Category: gender

41 Rules Men Wish Women Knew1. If you think you’re fat, you probably are. Don’t ask us. 2. Learn to work the toilet seat: if it’s up put it down. 3 . Don’t cut your hair. Ever. 4. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if he can find the perfect present, again! 5. If you ask a question you don’t want an answer to, expect an answer you don’t want to hear. 6. Sometimes, he’s not thinking about you. Live with it. 7. Don’t ask him what he’s thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lent, the shotgun formation and monster trucks. 8. Get rid of your cat. And no, it’s not different, it’s just like every other cat. 9. Dogs are better than ANY cats. Period. 10. Sunday = Sports. It’s like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be. 11. Shopping is not sport. 12. Anything you wear is fine. Really. 13. You have enough clothes. 14. You have too many shoes. 15. Crying is blackmail. Use it if you must, but don’t expect us to like it. 16. Your brother is an idiot, your ex-boyfriend is an idiot and your Dad probably is too. 17. Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don’t work. 18. No, he doesn’t know what day it is. He never will. Mark anniversaries on a calendar. 19. Yes, pissing standing up is more difficult than peeing from point blank range. We’re bound to miss sometimes. 20. Most guys own two to three pairs of shoes-what makes you think we’d be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress? 21. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers. 22. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor. 23. Your Mom doesn’t have to be our best friend. 24. Foreign films are best left to foreigners. 25. Check your oil. 26. Don’t give us 50 rules when 25 will do. 27. Don’t fake it. We’d rather be ineffective than deceived. 28. It is neither in your best interest nor ours to take the quiz together. 29. Anything we said 6 or 8 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after 7 days. 30. If you don’t dress like the Victoria’s Secret girls, don’t expect us to act like soap opera guys. 31. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad and angry, we meant the other one. 32. Let us ogle. If we don’t look at other women, how can we know how pretty you are? 33. Don’t rub the lamp if you don’t want the genie to come out. 34. You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done not both. 35. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials. 36. Christopher Columbus didn’t need directions, and neither do we. 37. Women wearing Wonderbras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at. 38. Consider Golf a mini-vacation from you. We need it, just like you do. 39. Telling us that the models in the men’s magazines are airbrushed makes you look jealous and petty and it’s certainly not going to deter us from reading the magazines. 40. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out. 41. Anyone can buy condoms.

A man went out drinking with his friends and came home the next morning to find his wife waiting for him. He apologized for worrying her but proceeded to tell her that he had been in the most elegant bar in the world! “Everything was gold.. the carpets, the glasses, the cutlery, the curtains and even the urinal. Here… I have a book of matches in my pocket. Phone if you don’t believe me.”

The incredulous wife did just that and asked the manager, “Is everything in your establishment really gold?”

“Yes,” he replied, “everything is gold colored.”

“Even the urinal?” she queried.

The manager put his hand over the phone and said to his bartender, “This is the wife of that guy who relieved himself in the tuba last night.”

Two buddies are bull-shiting over a few beers when one of them says something that would be considered a Freudian slip. He also recalls his the last slip he had where he asked the gorgeous big breasted travel agent for two “Pickets to Titsburgh”.His buddy says, yeah I know what you mean, last week while at breakfast with my wife, I meant to say, “honey please pass the milk”. But what came out of my mouth was, “You Fucking Bitch, you ruined my Life”.

Two new chemical elements have recently been discovered.
Here for the first time is a description of their properties.

Element Name: WOMAN
Symbol: WO
Atomic Weight: (don’t even go there!)

Physical Properties: Generally round in form. Boils at nothing and may freeze any time. Melts whenever treated properly. Very bitter if not used well.

Chemical properties: Very active. Highly unstable. Possesses Strong affinity to gold, silver, platinum, and precious stones. Violent when left alone. Able to absorb great amounts of exotic food. Turns slightly green when placed next to a better specimen.

Usage: Highly ornamental. An extremely good catalyst for dispersion of wealth. Probably the most powerful income reducing agent known.

Caution: Highly explosive in inexperienced hands.
——————————-

Element Name: MAN
Symbol: XY
Atomic Weight: (180 +/- 50)

Physical properties: Solid at room temperature, but gets bent out of shape easily. Fairly dense and sometimes flaky. Difficult to find a pure sample. Due to rust, aging samples are unable to conduct electricity as easily as young samples.

Chemical properties: Attempts to bond with WO any chance it can get. Also tends to form strong bonds with itself. Becomes explosive when mixed with Kd (Element: Child) for prolonged period of time. Neutralize by saturating with alcohol.

Usage: None known. Possibly good methane source. Good samples are able to produce large quantities on command.

Caution: In the absence of WO, this element rapidly decomposes and begins to smell.

What has eight arms and an I.Q. of 60?

Four guys watching a football game.

There once was a young person named Little Red Riding Hood who lived on the edge of a large forest full of endangered owls and rare plants that would probably provide a cure for cancer if only someone took the time to study them.

Red Riding Hood lived with a nurture giver whom she sometimes referred to as “mother”, although she didn’t mean to imply by this term that she would have thought less of the person if a close biological link did not in fact exist.

Nor did she intend to denigrate the equal value of nontraditional households, although she was sorry if this was the impression conveyed.

One day her mother asked her to take a basket of organically grown fruit and mineral water to her grandmother’s house.

“But mother, won’t this be stealing work from the unionized people who have struggled for years to earn the right to carry all packages between various people in the woods?”

Red Riding Hood’s mother assured her that she had called the union boss and gotten a special compassionate mission exemption form.

“But mother, aren’t you oppressing me by ordering me to do this?”

Red Riding Hood’s mother pointed out that it was impossible for women to oppress each other, since all women were equally oppressed until all women were free.

“But mother, then shouldn’t you have my brother carry the basket, since he’s an oppressor, and should learn what it’s like to be oppressed?”

And Red Riding Hood’s mother explained that her brother was attending a special rally for animal rights of community.

“But won’t I be oppressing Grandma, by implying that she’s sick and hence unable to independently further her own selfhood?”

But Red Riding Hood’s mother explained that her grandmother wasn’t actually sick or incapacitated or mentally handicapped in any way, although that was not to imply that any of these conditions were inferior to what some people called “health”.

Thus Red Riding Hood felt that she could get behind the idea of delivering the basket to her grandmother, and so she set off.

Many people believed that the forest was a foreboding and dangerous place, but Red Riding Hood knew that this was an irrational fear based on cultural paradigms instilled by a patriarchal society that regarded the natural world as an exploitable resource, and hence believed that natural predators were in fact intolerable competitors.

Other people avoided the woods for fear of thieves and deviants, but Red Riding Hood felt that in a truly classless society all marginalized peoples would be able to “come out” of the woods and be accepted as valid lifestyle role models.

On her way to Grandma’s house, Red Riding Hood passed a woodchopper, and wandered off the path, in order to examine some flowers.

She was startled to find herself standing before a Wolf, who asked her what was in her basket.

Red Riding Hood’s teacher had warned her never to talk to strangers, but she was confident in taking control of her own budding sexuality, and chose to dialogue with the Wolf.

She replied, “I am taking my Grandmother some healthful snacks in a gesture of solidarity.”

The Wolf said, “You know, my dear, it isn’t safe for a little girl to walk through these woods alone.”

Red Riding Hood said, “I find your sexist remark offensive in the extreme, but I will ignore it because of your traditional status as an outcast from society, the stress of which has caused you to develop an alternative and yet entirely valid worldview. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I would prefer to be on my way.”

Red Riding Hood returned to the main path, and proceeded towards her Grandmother’s house.

But because his status outside society had freed him from slavish adherence to linear, Western-style thought, the Wolf knew of a quicker route to Grandma’s house.

He burst into the house and ate Grandma, a course of action affirmative of his nature as a predator.

Then, unhampered by rigid, traditionalist gender role notions, he put on Grandma’s nightclothes, crawled under the bedclothes, and awaited developments.

Red Riding Hood entered the cottage and said, “Grandma, I have brought you some cruelty free snacks to salute you in your role of wise and nurturing matriarch.”

The Wolf said softly “Come closer, child, so that I might see you.”

Red Riding Hood said, “Goodness! Grandma, what big eyes you have!”

“You forget that I am optically challenged.”

The Wolf could not take any more of these specist slurs, and, in a reaction appropriate for his accustomed milieu, he leaped out of bed, grabbed Little Red Riding Hood, and opened his jaws so wide that she could see her poor Grandmother cowering in his belly.

“Aren’t you forgetting something?” Red Riding Hood bravely shouted. “You must request my permission before proceeding to a new level of intimacy!”

The Wolf was so startled by this statement that he loosened his grasp on her.

At the same time, the woodchopper burst into the cottage, brandishing an ax.

“Hands off!” cried the woodchopper.

“And what do you think you’re doing?” cried Little Red Riding Hood. “If I let you help me now, I would be expressing a lack of confidence in my own abilities, which would lead to poor self esteem and lower achievement scores on college entrance exams.”

“Last chance, sister! Get your hands off that endangered species! This is an FBI sting!” screamed the woodchopper, and when Little Red Riding Hood nonetheless made a sudden motion, he sliced off her head.

“Thank goodness you got here in time,” said the Wolf. “The brat and her grandmother lured me in here. I thought I was a goner.”

“No, I think I’m the real victim, here,” said the woodchopper. “I’ve been dealing with my anger ever since I saw her picking those protected flowers earlier. And now I’m going to have such a trauma. Do you have any aspirin?”

“Sure,” said the Wolf.

“Thanks.”

“I feel your pain,” said the Wolf, and he patted the woodchopper on his firm, well padded back, gave a little belch, and said “Do you have any Maalox?”

Why do they name cyclones after women?

Because they start off as little blow jobs and end up taking the whole house!

a woman telephones 999 and asks the operator for an ambulance,the operator asks what the problem is and the woman replies that she is nine months pregnant and her waters have just broken.the operator asks where are you ringing from, from the waist down answers the woman

Here’s one for you…what do men and linoleum have in common?

If you lay them right the first time, you can walk all over them the rest of your life!

“WOMEN SEEKING MEN” Classifieds translationsLoves Animals means: Cat ladyNon-traditional means: Ex-husband lives in the basementOpen-minded means: Desperate

He does not have a beer gut, He has developed a Liquid Grain Storage Facility.

He is not quiet, He is a Conversational Minimalist.

He is not stupid, He suffers from Minimal Cranial Development.

He does not get lost all the time, He discovers Alternative Destinations.

He is not balding, He is in Follicle Regression.

He is not a cradle robber, He prefers Generationally Differential Relationships.

He does not get falling-down drunk, He becomes Accidentally Horizontal.

He does not have his head up his ass, He suffers from Rectal-Cranial Inversion.

He is not short, He is Anatomically Compact.

He does not have a rich daddy, He is a Recipient of Parental Asset Infusion.

He does not constantly talk about cars, He has a Vehicular Addiction.

He does not have a hot body, He is Physically Combustible.

He is not unsophisticated, He is Socially Challenged.

He does not eat like a pig, He suffers from Reverse Bulimia.

He is not a bad dancer, He is Overly Caucasian.

He is not a sex machine, He is Romantically Automated.

He does not hog the blankets, He is Thermally Unappreciative.

He is not a male chauvinist pig, He has Swine Empathy.

He does not undress you with his eyes, He has an Introspective Pornographic Moment.

He is not afraid of commitment, He is Monogamously Challenged.

Q: How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One… Men will screw anything.