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A commuter from New Jersey drives through the Lincoln Tunnel and into Times Square.
At a red light, he is approached by a prostitute, who says, “Listen, honey, it’s been a slow night. I’ll do anything you want for a hundred dollars, as long as you can tell me in three words.”
“Okay,” he replies. “Paint my house.”
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Yisman
A man sees a beautiful Grand Father Clock in a store and, just has to have it. Unfortunately, it takes all of his cash to pay for it and he cannot afford the forty dollar delivery charge. He elects to take it home himself, in the back of his Station Wagon.
As he is struggling to carry it out of the front of the store to his auto, a staggering drunk stumbles into him and knocks the clock to the sidewalk, smashing it!
The man is furrious! He shouts, “WHY DON’T YOU LOOK WHERE YOU ARE GOING?!”
The drunk looks back at him in disgust, and replies, “Why can’t you carry a watch like everyone else?”
1. Silence, the final frontier: Where no woman has gone before.
2. The undiscovered side of Banking: How to make deposits.
3. Combating the Imelda Marcos Syndrome: You don t need new shoes everyday.
4. Learn how not to inflict your Diets on other people.
5. Nag Nag Nag – how to overcome your tendency to be a fish wife.
6. An invitation to a party does not mean that you have to have a new outfit.
7. Man Management: Discover how the garbage can wait until after the game.
8. Personal Space: Leaving at least enough space in the bathroom cupboard for your partners toothbrush.
9. Valuation: Just because it’s not important to you.
10. Communication Skills I: Tears as the last resort and not the first.
11. Communication Skills II: How to think before speaking.
12. What he really wants: Is buying the right razor blades so difficult.
13. Driving a car safely: A skill you can also acquire.
14. Real women drink their share at a party.
15. Telephones: How to hang up.
16. Parking: Beginners Course.
17. Parking (Advanced): Reversing into a parking space.
18. The Natural Habitat of the Towel: Why they prefer the floor.
19. Managing your weight: Its not water retention… its fat.
20. Learning to cook I: Bran is not food.
21. Learning to cook II: Bringing back bacon and eggs.
22. Compliments: How to accept them gracefully.
23. PMS: Your problem… not his.
Q: How do we know that God is a man?
A: Because if God was a woman, sperm would taste like chocolate.
A woman was feelin’ some pinchin’ pains in her “you know what.”
So she went to a doctor and said, “I have pains. What are they?”
The doctor said, “Honey, you’ve got crabs.”
The girl said, “How could that be? I’m a virgin.”
The doctor repeated, “Believe me, you’ve got crabs.”
She went to another doctor and he said the same thing.
However, the third doctor she went to had a different diagnosis.
He said, “Honey, you don’t have crabs! Your cherries are rotten!”
Submitted by Curtis
Edited dolly04
“I’m going fishing.”
Really means…”I’m going to drink myself dangerously stupid,
and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish
swim by in complete safety.”
“It’s a guy thing.”
Really means….”There is no rational thought pattern connected
with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical.”
“Can I help with dinner?”
Really means….”Why isn’t it already on the table?”
“Uh huh,” “Sure, honey,” or “Yes, dear.”
Really means….Absolutely nothing. It’s a conditioned response.
“It would take too long to explain.”
Really means…”I have no idea how it works.
“We’re going to be late.”
Really means….”Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a
maniac.”
“I was listening to you. It’s just that I have things on my
mind.”
Really means….”I was wondering if that red-head over there is
wearing a bra.”
“Take a break, honey, you’re working too hard.”
Really means….”I can’t hear the game over the vacuum cleaner.”
“That’s interesting, dear.”
Really means….”Are you still talking?”
“It’s a really good movie.”
Really means….”It’s got guns, knives, fast cars, and beautiful
women.”
“That’s women’s work.”
Really means….”It’s difficult, dirty, and thankless.”
“You know how bad my memory is.”
Really means…. “I remember the theme song to ‘F Troop’, the
address of the first girl I ever kissed and the Vehicle
Identification Numbers of every car I’ve ever owned, but I
forgot your birthday.”
“I was just thinking about you, and got you these roses.”
Really means…. “The girl selling them on the corner was a real
babe.”
“Oh, don’t fuss. I just cut myself, it’s no big deal.”
Really means…. “I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed
to death before I admit I’m hurt.”
“Hey, I’ve got my reasons for what I’m doing.”
Really means…. “And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon.”
“I can’t find it.”
Really means…. “It didn’t fall into my outstretched hands, so
I’m completely clueless.”
“What did I do this time?”
Really means…. “What did you catch me at?”
“I heard you.”
Really means…. “I haven’t the foggiest clue what you just
said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough
so that you don’t spend the next 3 days yelling at me.”
“You know I could never love anyone else.”
Really means…. “I am used to the way you yell at me, and
realize it could be worse.”
“You look terrific.”
Really means…. “Oh, God, please don’t try on one more outfit.
I’m starving.”
“I’m not lost. I know exactly where we are.”
Really means…. “No one will ever see us alive again.”
“We share the housework.”
Really means…. “I make the messes, she cleans them up.”
Seminars for Females (Prepared and presented by Males)
1. Elementary map reading
2. Crying and law enforcement
3. Advanced math seminar: Programming your VCR
4. You can go shopping for less than 4 hours
5. Gaining five pounds vs. the end of the world: A study in contrast.
6. PMS: It’s your problem, not mine (“It’s happened monthly since puberty-deal with it.”)
7. Driving I. Getting past automatic transmissions
8. Driving II. The meaning of blinking orange lights
9. Driving III. Approximating a constant speed
10. Driving IV. Makeup and Driving; it’s as simple as oil and water
11. Football: Not a game; a sacrament
12. Telephone Translations (Formerly titled, “Me too” equals “I love you”)
13. How to earn your own money
14. Gift giving fundamentals (Formerly titled, “Fabric bad, electronics good”)
15. Putting the seat down by yourself: Potential energy is on your side
16. Beyond “Clean and Dirty” – The nuances of wearable laundry
17. Yes, you can fill up at a self service station
18. Joys of the remote control; Reaping the benefits of 50 channels
19. What comes around, goes around: Why his credit card is not a toy
20. His best friend can be yours too
21. His poker games: Deal yourself out
22. Commitment Schmittment (Formerly titled, “Wedlock Schmedlock”)
23. To honor and obey: Remembering the small print above “I do”
24. Why your mother is unwelcome in the house
25. Your mate: selfish bastard, or victimized sensitive man?
Seminars For Males (Prepared and Presented by Females)
1. Combatting stupidity
2. You too can do housework
3. PMS: Learn when to keep your mouth shut
4. How to fill an ice tray
5. We do not want sleazy underthings for Christmas: give us money
6. Understanding the female response to your coming in drunk at 4am
7. Wonderful laundry techniques (formerly titled, “Don’t wash my silks”)
8. Parenting: It doesn’t end with conception
9. Get a life; learn to cook
10. How not to act like a jackass when you’re obviously wrong
11. Spelling: Even you can get it right
12. Understanding your financial incompetence
13. You: The weaker sex
14. Reasons to give flowers
15. How to stay awake in public
16. Why it is unacceptable to relieve yourself anywhere but the bathroom
17. Garbage: Getting it to the curb
18. You can fall asleep without it if you really try
19. The morning dilemma if IT is awake: Take a shower
20. I’ll wear it if I damn well please
21. How to put the toilet lid down (formerly titled “No, it’s not a bidet”)
22. “The weekend” and “sports” are not synonyms
23. Give me a break: Why we know your excuses are bull
24. How to go shopping with your mate and not get lost
25. The remote control: Overcoming your dependency
26. Romanticism: Ideas other than sex
27. Helpful postural hints for couch potatoes
28. Mothers-in-law: They are people too
29. Male bonding: Leaving your friends at home
30. You too can be a designated driver
31. Seeing the true you (formerly titled, “You don’t look like Mel Gibson when naked”)
32. Changing your underwear: It really works
33. The attainable goal: removing “tits” from your vocabulary
34. Fluffing the blankets after flatulating is not necessary
35. Techniques for calling home before you leave work
Q. What’s a wife?
A. An attachment you screw on the bed to get the
housework done.
A beggar walks up to a well-dressed woman who is shopping on Rodeo Drive and said, “I haven’t eaten anything in four days.”
She looked at him and said, “God, I wish I had your willpower.”
A man on a plane asked the stewardess if he could use the
restroom. She told him the men’s room was broken, so he had to
use the women’s room.
Then she said, ”But don’t push the W.W. button, or the P.B.
button, and DO NOT push the A.T.R. button.”
But of course he had to push the W.W. button, which he
discovered stood for warm water (sprayed on your butt). Then he
pushed the P.B. button, which stood for powder your butt. And
since those two things had been so pleasant, he pushed the
A.T.R. button.
He later woke up in a bright room and doctors were all around
him. When he asked why he was there, they asked him if he hit
the A.T.R. – automatic tampon remover – button.
The guy said, “Yes… what happened?”
The doctor said, “Your penis is on your pillow
What do a woman and a condom have in common?They both spend too much time in your wallet and not enough time on your dick.
“WOMEN SEEKING MEN” Classifieds translationsEducated means: College dropoutEmotionally Secure means: MedicatedEmployed means: Has part-time job stuffing envelopes at home