Yours Fun Portal !
How many legs does a chicken have?
A. Two. Right
Q. And how many wings does a chicken have?
A. Yes. Two. right again.
Q. Well how many beaks does a chicken have?
A. One. got it.
Q. How many bones does a cat have?
A. Typical man. Knows everything about cock and nothing about pussy.
Compliments: Accepting Them Gracefully. Dancing: Why Men Don’t Like To. Classic Clothing: Wearing Outfits You Already Have.
Men — are you sure you can trust something that bleeds for seven days and
still lives?
There were these 3 guys and they were out walking in the woods, and had no idea where they were. All of a sudden it started pouring with rain. They were stumped if they knew what to do, so they found a hotel and asked if they could have 3 rooms. The concierge said that they’ve got 1 room with 1 bed left, so they said OK.
The next morning they woke up and the guy on the left said “I dreamed someone was pulling my dick last night.” and the guy on the right said “Me too” and the guy in the middle said “I dunno, i dreamed i wasa skiing!”
Why is a laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can’t even afford a washing machine will never be able to support you.
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Did you hear they finally made a device that makes cars run 95% quieter?
Yeah, it fits right over her mouth.
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Why are hangovers better than women?
Hangovers will go away.
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Why do women have smaller feet than men ?
So they can stand closer to the sink
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How do you know when a women’s about to say something smart?
When she starts her sentence with “A man once told me….”
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How do you fix a woman’s watch?
You don’t…there’s a clock on the oven!
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I date this girl for two years — and then the nagging starts: “I wanna know your name…”
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Women are like guns, keep one around long enough and your going to want to shoot it.
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If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The Dog of course…at least he’ll shut up after you let him in!
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One golfer tells another: “Hey, guess what! I got a set of golf clubs for my wife!”
The other replies: “GREAT trade!”
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What are two reasons why women don’t mind their own business?
1.No mind.
2.No business.
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The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, “What’s on the TV?” and I said, “Dust!”
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Why do women like intelligent men?
Opposites attract.
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Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a women’s sex drive by 90 percent….
Wedding cake!!!
Why did God decide to create women?
Because unlike a man, God can admit he made a mistake, and promptly
correct the problem!
A woman was chatting with her next-door neighbor…
“I feel real good today. I started out this morning with an act of unselfish generosity. I gave a five dollar bill to a bum.”
“You mean you gave a bum five dollars? That’s a lot of money to give away like that. What did you husband say about it?”
“Oh, he thought it was the thing to do. He said, “Thanks.”
what did santa say to the striper?
ho-ho-ho
What does a man and a floor have in common?You lay them right the first time you can walk all over them forever!!
A woman walks into the doctor’s and says, “Doctor I can’t stop singing these two songs, is there anything wrong with me?”
The doctor says, “What songs are they?”
“‘Delilah’ and ‘The Green Green Grass Of Home,'” the woman says.
The Doctor says, “You have the Tom Jones Syndrome.”
“Is that rare?” asks the woman.
The Doctor replies, “It’s Not Unusual!”
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Yisman
A commuter from New Jersey drives through the Lincoln Tunnel and into Times Square.
At a red light, he is approached by a prostitute, who says, “Listen, honey, it’s been a slow night. I’ll do anything you want for a hundred dollars, as long as you can tell me in three words.”
“Okay,” he replies. “Paint my house.”
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Yisman
The Perfect Day According To…
HER
8:45 – Wake up to hugs and kisses
9:00 – 5 pounds lighter on the scale
9:30 – Light breakfast
11:00 – Sunbathe
12:30 – Lunch with best friend at outdoor cafe
1:45 – Shopping
2:30 – Run into husband’s ex – notice she’s gained 30lbs.
3:00 – Facial, massage, nap
7:30 – Candlelight dinner for two and dancing
10:00 – Make love
11:30 – Pillow talk in his big strong arms
HIM
10:00 – Wake up
10:02 – SEX
10:10 – Big Breakfast
11:30 – Drive up coast in Ferrari with gorgeous babe with big hooters
2:15 – Enormous lunch with BEER
3:15 – SEX
3:25 – Play sports with the guys
4:30 – Drink BEER with the guys
6:30 – Meet Claudia Schiffer
6:40 – SEX
6:50 – Huge dinner, more BEER
8:00 – Fall asleep with BEER watching TV while dreaming of having SEX with Claudia Shiffer
11:00 – Full on, get down, gorilla SEX, more BEER
11:10 – Sleep
2:30 – Fart