Category: gender

How are men like UFOs?

You don’t know where they come from, what their mission is, or what time they’re going to take off.

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Yisman

yo dick so small its small

What does a stupid man do with 365 used rubbers??
Makes it a tire and calls it a Good Year.

The little brother of an Army radar operator asked, “Jim, tell me how does a radar work?”

“The radar transmitter emits brief impulses of electromagnetic waves which are reflected from the target and received by a special receiver.

Since the speed at which electromagnetic waves propagate is exactly known and the time they take to travel to the target and back can be determined with a great degree of accuracy it is possible to determine the range to the target as well as the direction to it.”

His brother pondered a moment, then said, “As long as you don’t know, Jim, why don’t you just say so?”

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Glaci

1. Maternity leave would last two years….with full pay.

2. There would be a cure for stretch marks.

3. Natural childbirth would become obsolete.

4. Morning sickness would rank as the nation’s #1 health problem.

5. All methods of birth control would be 100% effective.

6. Children would be kept in the hospital until toilet trained.

7. Men would be eager to talk about commitment.

8. They wouldn’t think twins were so cute.

9. Sons would have to be home from dates by 10:00 PM.

10. Briefcases would be used as diaper bags.

11. Paternity suits would be a fashion line of clothes.

12. They’d stay in bed during the entire pregnancy.

13. Restaurants would include ice cream and pickles as main entree’s.

14. Women would rule the world.

How is a man like the weather?

Nothing can be done to change either one of them.

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by yisman

A doctor had an affair with his nurse and a few months later,
she became pregnant. He told her to go to Germany and send a
postcard reading SAURKRAUT when she had the baby. One day, his
wife called and told him that he had received a very strange
postcard. He came home, read it and fell over dead. The wife
read it and it said:

SAURKRAUT, SAURKRAUT, SAURKRAUT, SAURKRAUT

2 WITH WEINERS, 2 WITHOUT

The perfect day according to HER:

8:45 Wake up to hugs and kisses
9:00 5 pounds lighter on the scale
9:30 Light breakfast
11:00 Sunbathe
12:30 Lunch with best friend at outdoor cafe
1:45 Shopping
2:30 Run into boyfriend’s/husband’s ex – notice she’s gained
30 lbs.
3:00 Facial, massage, nap
7:30 Candlelight dinner for two and dancing
10:00 Make love
11:30 Pillow talk in his big strong arms

The perfect day according to HIM:

10:00 Wake up
10:02 Oral sex
10:10 Big Breakfast
11:30 Drive up coast in Ferrari with gorgeous babe with big
hooters
2:15 Enormous lunch
3:15 Oral sex
3:25 Play sports with the guys
4:30 Drink beer with the guys
6:30 Meet Claudia Schiffer
6:40 Oral sex
6:50 Huge dinner, more beer
11:00 Full on, get down, gorilla sex
11:10 Sleep

A man is walking down the beach and comes across an old bottle.

He picks it up, pulls out the cork and out pops a genie.

The genie says, “Thank you for freeing me from the bottle. In return I will grant you three wishes.”

The man says “Great! I always dreamed of this and I know exactly what I want.

First, I want one billion dollars in a Swiss bank account.

Poof! There is a flash of light and a piece of paper with account numbers appears in his hand.

He continues, “Next, I want a brand new red Ferrari right here.”

Poof! There is a flash of light and a bright red brand-new Ferrari appears right next to him.

He continues, “Finally, I want to be irresistible to women.”

Poof! There is a flash of light and he turns into a box of chocolates.

Uh…top 10 things not to say to a naked man:

10: Awww…that’s cute
9. Well, at least you’re good at other things
8. Do you think it’ll fit my old Barbie� clothes?
7. My li’l brother has one like that.
6. Are you cold?
5. ::giggles::
4. Maybe we should just be friends
3. Can you make it dance?
2. Umm…maybe you should get dressed
1. Oh…look…its hiding!

Dave works hard at the plant, puts in a lot of overtime, and then spends most evenings bowling, playing basketball or working out at the gym.
His wife, Mary, thinks he is pushing himself too hard, so, for his birthday, she takes him to a local strip club.

The doorman at the club greets them and says, “Hey, Dave, how ya doing?”

Mary is puzzled and asks if he’s been to this club before.

“Oh no,” says Dave. “He works out at the gym with me.”

When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he’d like his usual Budweiser.

Mary is now becoming uncomfortable and says, “You must come here a lot for that woman to know you drink Budweiser.”

“No, honey, she’s in the Ladies Bowling League. We share lanes with them.”

A stripper comes over to their table and throws her arms around Dave. “Hi Davey,” she says, “Want your usual table dance?”

Mary, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

Dave follows and spots his wife getting into a cab.

Before Mary can slam the door, Dave jumps in beside her. Right away she starts screaming at him.

The cabby turns his head and says, “Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Dave.”

When Mom and the kids go off for a few days and leave Dad behind to struggle on his own, it can be a painful thing for him to deal with. With that in mind, we thought we’d offer some help…

10> Don’t use the guest towels to mop up after your 36-hour porn-a-thon.

9> It’s not worth the water conserved to shower with the dirty dishes.

8> Scrape frost from freezer for instant shaved-ice party drinks.

7> Don’t rebuild your transmission in the dining room; use the bathroom.

6> Maintain a healthy diet; make sure your hefeweizen has a lemon slice.

5> Socks first, *then* shoes.

4> Jim Crow still rules the laundry room: separate the whites from the coloreds.

3> Despite the efficiency potential, Dawn and Ragu cannot be combined to make “self-cleaning spaghetti.”

2> Never wash the youngest’s clothes, because there is no one to hand them down to after you shrink them.

1> Check your wife’s underwear drawer; if it’s empty, she’s not coming back.

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[ Copyright 2003 by Chris White ]