Category: gender

Q: What charges can you bring against a transvestite?
A: Male fraud.

Three little boys were sitting on the porch, when one little boy says, “My Daddy smokes, and he can blow smoke rings.”

The second little boy pipes up, “Well, my Dad smokes, too, and can blow smoke out of his ears.”

The third little boy, not to be outdone responds, “My Dad can blow smoke out of his butt.”

“Really, have you seen it?” ask the boys.

The third boy responds, “No, but I’ve seen the tobacco stains on his underwear.”

Q. Men will brag that there are women waiting by the phone at this very
moment for their call. Who are these women?
A. Women working at 900 numbers.

A typical macho man married a typical good-looking lady. After the wedding, he laid down the following rules:

“I’ll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want… and I don’t expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table, unless I tell you otherwise. I’ll go hunting, fishing, boozin’, and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don’t you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?”

His new bride said, “No, that’s fine with me. Just understand that there’ll be sex here at seven o’clock every night – whether you’re here or not.”

What do most men think Mutual Orgasm is?

An insurance company.

Q. Why do men die before their wives?
A. They want to.

40-ish. . . 48. Adventurous… has had more partners than you ever will. Athletic… flat-chested. Average looking… ugly. Beautiful… pathological liar. Contagious smile… bring your penicillin. Educated… college dropout. Emotionally secure… medicated. Feminist… fat ball-buster. Free spirit. . . substance user. Friendship first. . . trying to live down a reputation as a slut. Fun… annoying. Gentle… comatose. Good listener… borderline autistic. New-age… all body hair, all the time. Old-fashioned … lights out, missionary position only. Open-minded… desperate.Outgoing. . . loud. Passionate. . . loud. Poet… depressive schizophrenic. Redhead… shops in the Clairol section. Rubenesque… grossly fat. Romantic. . . looks better by candlelight. Voluptuous… very fat. Weight proportional to height… hugely fat. Wants soul mate… one step away from stalking. Widow… nagged first husband to death. Young at heart… toothless crone.

If Dear Abby Was A Man…

Q: My fiance still has feelings for his old girlfriends. I’m afraid he will not be faithful.

A: A man’s capacity to love is boundless. It has been proven to increase with the number of sexual partners.  Thus, by having a few other women, your partner is really increasing his love for you. Best thing to do is to buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal and don’t mention this aspect of his behavior.

Q: My husband has too many nights out with the boys.

A: This is perfectly natural behaviour – and it should be encouraged. The man is a hunter and he needs to prove his prowess with other men. Far from being pleasurable, a night out with the boys is a stressful affair, and to get back to you is a relief for your partner. Just look back at how emotional and happy the man is when he returns to his stable home. Best thing to do is to buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal and don’t mention this aspect of his behaviour.

Q: My husband wants to experience three-in-a-bed-sex with me and my sister.

A: Your husband is clearly devoted to you. He cannot get enough of you, so he goes for the next best thing – your sister. Far from being an issue, this will bring all of the family together. Why not get some cousins involved? If you are still apprehensive, then let him go with your relatives, buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal and on’t mention this aspect of his behaviour.

Q: My husband continually asks me to perform oral sex with him.

A: Do it. Sperm is not only great tasting, but has only 10 calories a spoonful. It is nutritious and helps you to keep your figure and gives a great glow to the skin. Interestingly, a man knows this. His offer to you to perform oral sex with him is totally selfless. Oral sex is extremely painful for a man. This shows he loves you. Best thing to do is to thank him, buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal.

Q: My husband doesn’t know where my clitoris is.

A: Your clitoris is of no concern to your husband. If you must mess with it, do it in your own time. To help with the family budget you may wish to video tape yourself while doing this, and to sell it at car-boot sales. To ease your selfish guilt, buy your man a nice expensive present, and cook him a delicious meal.

Q: My husband goes straight to sleep after making love – we have no time to talk.

A: Sex is an extremely difficult task for a man. Afterwards he needs rest. In fact, the more he loves you, the more hard work his love-making is, and the more rest he needs. Stop putting pressure on him. Buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal.

Q: My husband’s efforts at lovemaking only last 30 seconds.

A: Your husband loves you very much. He is so turned on by you that he cannot control himself. In fact, the shorter the ‘effort’ the more he loves you. Return this love by buying a nice, expensive present, and cooking him a nice meal.

Q: My husband is uninterested in foreplay.

A: Foreplay to a man is very hurtful. What it means is that you do not love your man as much as you should – he has to work a lot to get you in the mood. Abandon all wishes in this area, and make it up to him by buying a nice expensive present, and cooking a nice meal.

Q: My husband has never given me an orgasm.

A: The female orgasm is a myth. It is fostered by militant, man-hating feminists and is a danger to the family unit. Don’t mention it again to him and show your love to him by buying a nice expensive present ..and don’t forget to cook him a delicious meal.

god made guys first becuase theres always a rough draft before perfection

A student comes to a young professor`s office after hours.

She glances down the hall, closes his door, kneels pleadingly. “I would do anything to pass this exam.”

She leans closer to him, flips back her hair, gazes meaningfully into his eyes.

“I mean…” she whispers, “…I would do…anything!”

He returns her gaze. “Anything?”

“Yes, anything!”

His voice turns to a
whisper. “Would you…study?”

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis

Q. Why do women have periods?
A. Because they deserve them.

A group of girlfriends are on vacation when they see a five-story hotel with a sign that reads: “For Women Only.” Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in.

The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explain to them how it works. “We have five floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It’s easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what’s inside.”

So they start going up, and on the first floor the sign reads: “All the men on this floor are short and plain.” The friends laugh, and without hesitation move on to the next floor.

The sign on the second floor reads: “All the men here are short and handsome.” Still, this isn’t good enough, so the friends continue on up.

They reach the third floor and the sign reads: “All the men here are tall and plain.”

They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they kept going.

On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: “All the men here are tall and handsome.” The women get excited and are about to go in when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they are missing, they head up to the fifth floor.

There they find a sign that reads: “There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman.”