Category: gender

8:45 Wake up to hugs and kisses
9:00 5lbs lighter on the scale

9:30 Light Breakfast

11:00 Sunbathe

12:30 Lunch with best friend at outdoor cafe

1:45 Shopping

2:30 Run into boyfriend’s/husband’s ex – notice she’s gained 30 lbs

3:00 Facial, massage, nap

7:30 Candlelight dinner for two and dancing 10:00 Make love

11:30 Pillow talk in his big strong arms

1. Enter the stall. Shower for about 3 minutes, then scream really loudly, exclaiming, “I didn’t know I had one of THOSE!”

2. Enter the stall, fully clothed. Do not undress and make sure your clothes get all wet and soapy. Complain when leaving the bathroom that your shirt tends to bleed.

3. Ask Scottie to beam you up.

4. Enter the stall, undress and then re-dress up as Superman. Leap out of the stall, vengefully vow to stop Lex Luther’s evil plot, then run full force into the wall. Stand up, shake your head, and proceed to take your shower.

5. Bring a bottle of fake blood or ketchup into the shower with you. Exclaim “Ow! You know, it really hurts when you pop one of those.” Then let the blood/ketchup seep down the drain for all to see.

6. Bring in a rubber chicken. Get it all soapy, then toss in into the next stall. Demand that the person in that stall return it to you, or you will cast a voodoo curse on them. The next day, hang the chicken from the bathroom lighting fixtures by a noose and stick numerous pins and forks in it.

7. Have a seizure. Bang against the walls of the stall really hard. Try to knock them down. If anyone later asks if you are okay, just say that you had some Mexican Jumping Fava Beans and they were reacting negatively with your stomach.

8. Stand in the bathroom, waiting for would-be shower-goers. When they come in, tell them “not to do it” and ask them “not to give in to sin.” Wail mournfully when they step into the shower.

9. Initiate a war with the person in the stall next to you. Use the residual water on the floor as your battle medium, and float little battleships over to their side. If they kick them back or throw them over the edge, exclaim that you didn’t know they had the power of God and sheepishly mumble prayers for the duration of your shower.

10. Bring in a fake finger. Float it down the drainage “ditch.” Ask if someone would be so kind as to return it to you. If no one does, tell them that the finger has been sacrificed to Satan and that the shower stalls are now possessed. Hang Halloween decorations and crepe-paper ghosts from them the next day.

11. Bang your head against the stall wall, shouting “Redrum! Redrum!” in your best groggy voice.

12. Bring a Yoo-Hoo chocolate milk drink to the shower with you. Complain about a stomach ache, then moan “Ohhhh, um, uh-oh,” and squirt the Yoo-Hoo down the drain “ditch” for all to see.

13. Before you turn the shower on, make a noise like you are charging up a proton pack from Ghostbusters. Before you turn it off, ask Egon to set the trap up for you.

14. Bring a balloon into the shower. Make the balloon squeak for the duration of your bathing experience. Then pop it, and fall to the ground as if shot.

15. Bring dead fish into the shower with you. Let them float down the drainage “ditch”, complaining angrily about the quality of water these days.

16. Hang up the names of different farm animals in the stalls. Have everyone entering the stalls join you in a rendition of “Old McDonald Had A Farm,” making the sound of the animal in their stall.

17. Turn the stall into a shrine for a pagan god. Call him Weeshy. Insist that anyone who uses that stall must tithe to receive his benevolence and glory. If they don’t tithe, avoid them for the rest of your life.

18. Take your shower like normal, and then begin screaming that the Communists are taking over. Make battle sounds — including bombs, bazookas, and tanks. Towards the end, wearily declare victory. Leave wounded.

19. Blow bubbles. Exclaim that you are dissolving.

20. Bring in a bucket, fill it with water, and float a bar of soap in it. Charge a fee for people to see the Wicked Witch of the West bathing nude. Threaten anyone who laughs at you with flying monkeys.

21. Start singing Pavarotti really loud. In the middle, stop, stutter for a second, and then exclaim “Ohmigosh…do you know what these words REALLY mean?”

22. Suck on the faucet head until you fill up with water. Complain that the Seven Chinese Brothers get no respect, OR pretend to be a fountain.

23. Wet your head, and then sneak into a toilet stall. Flush the bowl and wait a minute. Walk out of the stall lurching, complaining about how dizzy you are.

24. Buy a bunch of those tiny animal-pills that expand into full, spongy shapes when they get wet. Bring them into the shower and spill them into the ditch. Ask somebody for your pills back, and when they hand you little animals, scream, slap them, and run away.

25. Make your best Psycho noise (reeEENT reeEENT…).

26. Try to get everyone in the other stalls to sing in four-part harmony with you. If this actually works, change your voice part every three measures.

27. Become a shower-pirate. Loot other stalls of soap, Oxy pads, and Q-Tips. Bury them under the tile floor. Fire cannons at people using toilet balls.

28. Bring scuba gear into the shower with you. Talk to Cousteau. Upon leaving, tell everyone that the Titanic was actually torpedoed by the Germans. Be cocky.

29. Hum for a couple of moments, stop, make an “Mmmm!” sound, and then announce to everyone that the mildew on the shower walls kind of tastes like head cheese.

30. Coat the floor in a fine layer of quick-drying cement.

31. Hang “Marisa Cevasco steals Homecoming Queen Crown” signs in all the stalls. If anyone asks who Marisa Cevasco is, call them ignorant and ignore them for the rest of your life.

32. Bring in Sesame Street bath books. Read them aloud. Giggle every time Bert walks in on Ernie bathing.

33. Stare at people’s feet as they bathe. If they do not wash their feet, tell them to. If this happens a second time, steal their shoes and tell them that they left on strike. If they DO wash their feet and fall down while doing it, laugh hysterically.

34. Stand outside the shower curtain, raise a harpoon, and shout “I’m coming for you, Moby!” Run in and do battle with the faucet-head. Walk out a peg leg.

35. Charge a toll for people wanting to use the shower. If they complain, light them on fire. THEN they’ll pay

New College Courses for Men as Prepared by Women:

1… Combating Stupidity
2… You, Too, Can Do Housework
3… PMS: Learn When to Keep Your Mouth Shut
4… How to Fill an Ice Tray
5… We Do Not Want Sleazy Underthings for Christmas: Give us Money
6… Understanding the Female Response to Your Coming in Drunk at 4:00am
7… Wonderful Laundry Techniques (formerly titled “Don’t Wash my Silks”)
8… Parenting: No, It Doesn’t End With Conception
9… Get a Life: Learn to Cook
10… How Not to Act Like an Asshole When You’re Obviously Wrong
11… Spelling: Even You Can Get it Right
12… Understanding Your Financial Incompetence
13… You: The Weaker Sex
14… Reasons to Give Flowers
15. How to Stay Awake After Sex
16… Why it is Unacceptable to Relieve Yourself Anywhere but the Bathroom
17… Garbage: Getting it to the Curb
18… You Can Fall Asleep Without IT if You Really Try
19… The Morning Dilemma if IT’s awake: Take a Shower
20… I’ll Wear it if I Damn Well Please
21… How to Put the Toilet Lid Down (formerly titled “No, It’s Not a Bidet”)
22… “The Weekend” and “Sports” are Not Synonyms
23… Give Me a Break: Why We Know Your Excuses are Bullshit
24… How to Go Shopping with Your Mate and Not Get Lost
25… The Remote Control: Overcoming Your Dependency
26… Romanticism: Ideas Other Than Sex
27… Helpful Postural Hints for Couch Potatoes
28… Mother-in-Laws: They are People Too
29… Male Bonding: Leaving Your Friends at Home
30… You, Too, Can Be a Designated Driver
31… Seeing the True You (formerly titled “No, You Don’t Look Like Brad Pitt When Naked”)
32… Changing Your Underwear: It Really Works
33… The Attainable Goal: Omitting TITS From Your Vocabulary
34… Fluffing the Blankets After Flatulating is Not Necessary
35… Techniques of Calling Home
36… Introductory Foreplay: The Drive Home Does Not Count.

A girl and a guy are in an elevator, and the girl takes off all her clothes and throws them on the ground and says, “Make me a woman.”

The man takes off all his clothes and throws them on the ground and says pick them up.

“Can you explain to me how this lipstick got on your collar ?”

the suspicious wife sneered.

“No, I can’t.” the husband replied. “I distinctly remember

taking my shirt off.”

The moon shown silver on the waters of the lake, and the waves that were beating on the shore were hardly equal in intensity to the waves of passion nearby. One ardent couple paused long enough for the young man to whisper, “Darling am I the first man to make love to you ?”Her tone upon answering was slightly more than irritable. “Of course you are!” she said. “And also the best too. I don’t know why you men always ask the same old ridiculous questions.”

A old lady went to the Doctor and said “I have a problem, can you help me out ?

The Dr. asked “What is the problem with you ?”

The old lady said “I have gas real bad I have passed gas at least 10 times out in the waiting room, but it has no smell or sound what could be the problem ?

The Dr. gave her something and sent her home.

The next day she came back and said “It didn’t help, and now smells really bad now.

The Dr said “Ok, we fixed your sinus problem, now let’s work on your hearing.”

Submitted by Admin
Edited by Curtis

A young lady entered the doctor’s office carrying an infant.

“Doctor,” she explained, “This baby seems to be ailing. Instead of gaining weight, he lost three ounces this week.”

The medic examined the child and then started to squeeze the girl’s breasts.

Next, he unbuttoned her blouse, removed her bra and began powerfully sucking on one of her nipples.

“Young lady,” he finally announced, “No wonder the baby is losing weight, you haven’t any milk!”

“Of course not!” she shrieked. “It’s not my child, it’s my sister’s!”

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by yisman

An old hearing impaired gentleman visited his doctor and he had been warned to be careful as he had a heart murmur.

The doctor was therefore most surprised to see the old fellow out on the town, whooping it up. He got his attention and took him aside. “Don’t you remember what I told you the other day?” he inquired.

“Oh, I surely do.” the old gent replied, “Best dang advice I ever had. I did just as you said. I got me a hot mama and I’m cheerful

WOMEN’S COMPACT INSTRUCTION BOOK Never do housework. No man ever made love to a woman because the house was spotless. Remember you are known by the idiot you accompany. Don’t imagine you can change a man – unless he’s in diapers.

“I’m going fishing.”
Really means… “I’m going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety.”
“Let’s take your car.”
Really means…. “Mine is full of beer cans, burger wrappers and completely out of gas.”

“Woman driver.”
Really means…. “Someone who doesn’t speed, tailgate, swear, make obscene gestures and has a better driving record than me.”

“I don’t care what color you paint the kitchen.”
Really means…. “As long as it’s not blue, green, pink, red, yellow, lavender, gray, mauve, black, turquoise or any other color besides white.”

“It’s a guy thing.”
Really means…. “There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical.”

“Can I help with dinner?”
Really means…. “Why isn’t it already on the table?”

“Uh huh,” “Sure, honey,” or “Yes, dear.”
Really mean…. Absolutely nothing. It’s a conditioned response like Pavlov’s dog drooling.

“Good idea.”
Really means…. “It’ll never work. And I’ll spend the rest of the day gloating.”

“Have you lost weight?”
Really means…. “I’ve just spent our last $30 on a cordless drill.”

“My wife doesn’t understand me.”
Really means…. “She’s heard all my stories before, and is tired of them.”

“It would take too long to explain.”
Really means…. “I have no idea how it works.”

“I’m getting more exercise lately.”
Really means…. “The batteries in the remote are dead.”

“I got a lot done.”
Really means…. “I found ‘Waldo’ in almost every picture.”

“We’re going to be late.”
Really means…. “Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac.”

“Hey, I’ve read all the classics.”
Really means…. “I’ve been subscribing to Playboy since 1972.”

“You cook just like my mother used to.”
Really means…. “She used the smoke detector as a meal timer, too.”

“I was listening to you. It’s just that I have things on my mind.”
Really means…. “I was wondering if that red-head over there is wearing a bra.”

“Take a break, honey, you’re working too hard.”
Really means…. “I can’t hear the game over the vacuum cleaner.”

“That’s interesting, dear.”
Really means…. “Are you still talking?”

“Honey, we don’t need material things to prove our love.”
Really means…. “I forgot our anniversary again.”

“You expect too much of me.”
Really means…. “You want me to stay awake.”

“It’s a really good movie.”
Really means…. “It’s got guns, knives, fast cars, and Heather Locklear.”

“That’s women’s work.”
Really means…. “It’s difficult, dirty, and thankless.”

“Will you marry me?”
Really means…. “Both my roommates have moved out, I can’t find the washer, and there is no more peanut butter.”

“You know how bad my memory is.”
Really means…. “I remember the theme song to ‘F Troop’, the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the Vehicle Identification Numbers of every car I’ve ever owned, but I forgot your birthday.”

“I was just thinking about you, and got you these roses.”
Really means…. “The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe.”

“Football is a man’s game.”
Really means…. “Women are generally too smart to play it.”

“Oh, don’t fuss. I just cut myself, it’s no big deal.”
Really means…. “I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I’m hurt.”

“I do help around the house.”
Really means…. “I once put a dirty towel in the laundry basket.”

“Hey, I’ve got my reasons for what I’m doing.”
Really means…. “And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon.”

“I can’t find it.”
Really means…. “It didn’t fall into my outstretched hands, so I’m completely clueless.”

“But I hate to go shopping.”
Really means…. “Because I always wind up outside the dressing room holding your purse.”

“I’m going to stop off for a quick one with the guys.”
Really means…. “I am planning on drinking myself into a vegetative stupor with my chest pounding, mouth breathing, pre-evolutionary companions.”

“I heard you.”
Really means…. “I haven’t the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don’t spend the next 3 days yelling at me.”

“You know I could never love anyone else.”
Really means…. “I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse.”

“You look terrific.”
Really means…. “Oh, God, please don’t try on one more outfit. I’m starving.”

“I brought you a present.”
Really means…. “It was free ice scraper night at the ball game.”

“I missed you.”
Really means…. “I can’t find my sock drawer, the kids are hungry and we are out of toilet paper.”

“I’m not lost. I know exactly where we are.”
Really means…. “No one will ever see us alive again.”

“We share the housework.”
Really means…. “I make the messes, she cleans them up.”

“This relationship is getting too serious.”
Really means…. “I like you more than my truck.”

“I recycle.”
Really means…. “We could pay the rent with the money from my empties.”

“Of course I like it, honey, you look beautiful.”
Really means…. “Oh, man, what have you done to yourself?”

“It sure snowed last night.”
Really means…. “I suppose you’re going to nag me about shoveling the walk now.”

“It’s good beer.”
Really means…. “It was on sale.”

“I don’t need to read the instructions.”
Really means….”I am perfectly capable of screwing it up without printed help.”

“I’ll fix the garbage disposal later.”
Really means….”If I wait long enough you’ll get frustrated and buy a new one.”

“I’ll take you to a fancy restaurant.”
Really means….”Someplace that doesn’t have a drive-thru window.”

“I broke up with her.”
Really means…. “She dumped me.”

HER SIDE OF THE STORY

He was in an odd mood when I got to the bar, I thought it might
have been my fault because I was a bit late but he didn’t say
anything much about it.

The conversation was quite slow going so I thought we should go
off somewhere more intimate so we could talk more privately. We
went to this restaurant and he was STILL acting a bit funny. I
tried to cheer him up and started to wonder whether it was me or
something else. I asked him, and he said no. But I wasn’t really
sure.

So anyway, in the cab on the way back to his house, I said that
I love him and he just put his arm around me. I didn’t know what
the hell that meant because you know he doesn’t say it back or
anything. We finally got back to his place and I was wondering
if he was going to dump me! So I tried to ask him about it but
he just switched on the TV. Reluctantly, I said I was going to
go to sleep. Then after about 10 minutes, he joined me and we
had sex.

But, he still seemed really distracted, so afterwards I just
wanted to leave but I just cried myself to sleep. I dunno, I
just don’t know what he thinks anymore. I mean, do you think
he’s met someone else???

HIS SIDE OF THE STORY

My team lost. Felt Kinda Tired. Got laid though.