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Herman the hypochondriac began sobbing before a doctor. “I’m sure I’ve got a liver disease, and I’m gonna die from it.”
“Ridiculous,” said the doctor. “You’d never know if you had the disease or not. With that ailment there’s no discomfort of any kind.”
“Right,” said Herman. “Those are my exact symptoms.”
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Yisman
yo mama is so fat when she bends over everyone thinks the world is gona explode,
Q: Where would you find a committed man?
A: In a mental hospital.
For years and years they told me,
Be careful of your breasts.
Don’t ever squeeze or bruise them.
And give them monthly tests.
So I heeded all their warnings,
And protected them by law.
Guarded them very carefully,
And I always wore my bra.
After 30 years of astute care,
My gyno, Dr. Pruitt,
Said I should get a Mammogram.
“O.K,” I said, “let’s do it.”
“Stand up here real close” she said,
(She got my boob in line)
“And tell me when it hurts,” she said,
“Ah yes! Right there, that’s fine.”
She stepped upon a pedal,
I could not believe my eyes!
A plastic plate came slamming down,
My hooter’s in a vise!
My skin was stretched and mangled,
From underneath my chin.
My poor boob was being squashed,
To Swedish Pancake thin.
Excruciating pain I felt,
Within it’s vise-like grip.
A prisoner in this vicious thing,
My poor defenseless tit!
“Take a deep breath” she said to me,
Who does she think she’s kidding?!?
My chest is mashed in her machine,
And woozy I am getting.
“There, that’s good,” I heard her say,
(The room was slowly swaying.)
“Now, let’s have a go at the other one.”
Have mercy, I was praying.
It squeezed me from `oth up and down,
It squeezed me from both sides.
I’ll bet SHE’S never had this done,
To HER tender little hide.
Next time that they make me do this,
I will request a blindfold.
I have no wish to see again,
My knockers getting steamrolled.
If I had no problem when I came in,
I surely have one now.
If there had been a cyst in there,
It would have gone “ker-pow!”
This machine was created by a man,
Of this, I have no doubt.
I’d like to stick his balls in there,
And see how THEY come out.
how do you get a gay guy to have sex with a girl? shit in her pussy!
A man sitting in a bar was complaining to his friend that he was still
single. His friend asked him how this could happen. He answered, “Well,
I’m looking for the perfect woman, I’m not going to settle for the first
one that comes along.” After a couple of weeks they meet again in the same
bar, and the friend informes about his progress on his search. He said,
“I’ve found the perfect woman.” The friend replies, “So why are you
looking so unhappy?” He replied, “She was looking for the perfect man.”
What does a smart guy do in an M&M factory?
Proofread.
13. The male stripper you hired is moonlighting to supplement his full-time Sumo wrestling income.
12. Too much purging, not enough bingeing.
11. Obviously confused about your instructions, the dancer shows up wearing LEPER skin.
10. Someone spiked the punch with Summer’s Eve.
9. The traditional game of “Famous Politicians I’d Sleep With” just took a turn for the serious with the arrival Mr. Starr and his subpoenas.
8. All those bags of WOW potato chips and Diet Sodas have given new meaning to the term, “spotting.”
7. You knew that Daddy had taken a night job. You didn’t know that Daddy’s new job title was “Danny, the Firehose Dude.”
6. One of your friends shows up late with the excuse that she had to give a quickie to some guy getting married next week.
5. You really didn’t want your boss to “honor” you by volunteering to strip, but how can you say no to the President of the United States?
4. On your way to jail, you decide that ripping the pants off that “stripper” cop wasn’t such a good idea.
3. Misunderstanding at entertainment agency results in a special appearance by Chip and Dale.
2. Your water breaks.
1. That damn Martha Stewart forgets to bring the pubic topiary centerpiece.
Men are like ……. Laxatives …… They irritate the shit out of you.
Men are like …….. Bananas …… The older they get, the less firm they are.
Men are like …….. Vacations ….. They never seem to be long enough.
Men are like …….. Weather …… Nothing can be done to change them.
Men are like …….. Blenders …… You need One, but you’re not quite sure why.
Men are like …….. Chocolate Bars ….. Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips.
Men are like …….. Coffee …… The best ones are rich, warm, & can keep you up all night long.
Men are like …….. Commercials ….. You can’t believe a word they say.
Men are like …….. Department Stores …… Their clothes are always 1/2 off.
Men are like …….. Government Bonds …… They take soooooooo long to mature.
Men are like …….. Mascara …… They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
Men are like …….. Popcorn …… They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
Men are like …….. Snowstorms ….. You never know when they’re coming, how many inches you’ll get or how long it will last.
Men are like …….. Lava Lamps ….. Fun to look at, but not very bright.
Men are like …….. Parking Spots ….. All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped
A man enters a barbershop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks.
“I have just the thing,” says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. “Just place this between your cheek and gum.”
The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced.
After a few strokes, the client asks in garbled speech, “And what if I swallow it?”
“No problem,” says the barber. “Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does.”
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Glaci
When you go fishing and you catch something, that’s good. If you’re making love and you catch something, that’s bad.
Fish don’t compare you to other fishermen neither and don’t want to know how many other fish you caught.
In fishing you lie about the one that got away. In loving you lie about the one you caught.
You can catch and release a fish, you don’t have to lie and promise to still be friends after you let it go.
You don’t have to necessarily change your line to keep catching fish.
You can catch a fish on a 20 cent nightcrawler. If you want to catch a woman you’re talking dinner and a movie minimum.
Fish don’t mind if you fall asleep in the middle of fishing.
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Yisman
A truck driver goes into a brothel and says to the madam, “Here’s $500, give me a bolongna sandwich and the ugliest girl you have.”
The madam says, “But sir, for $500 you can have the finest meal and the most beautiful girl here.”
The trucker replies, “I’m not horny, I’m home sick.”
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis