Category: gender

Buying gifts for men is not nearly as complicated as it is for women. Follow these rules and you should have no problems.
Rule #1: When in doubt – buy him a cordless drill. It does not matter if he already has one. I have a friend who owns 17 and he has yet to complain. As a man, you can never have too many cordless drills. No one knows why.

Rule #2: If you cannot afford a cordless drill, buy him anything with the word ratchet or socket in it. Men love saying those two words. “Hey George, can I borrow your ratchet?” “OK. Bye-the-way, are you through with my 3/8-inch socket yet?” Again, no one knows why.

Rule #3: If you are really, really broke, buy him anything for his car. A 99-cent ice scraper, a small bottle of deicer or something to hang from his rear view mirror. Men love gifts for their cars. No one knows why.

Rule #4: Do not buy men socks. Do not buy men ties. And never buy men bathrobes. I was told that if God had wanted men to wear bathrobes, he wouldn’t have invented Jockey shorts.

Rule #5: You can buy men new remote controls to replace the ones they have worn out. If you have a lot of money buy your man a big-screen TV with the little picture in the corner. Watch him go wild as he flips, and flips, and flips.

Rule #6: Do not buy a man any of those fancy liqueurs. If you do, it will sit in a cupboard for 23 years. Real men drink whiskey or beer.

Rule #7: Do not buy any man industrial-sized canisters of after shave or deodorant. I’m told they do not stink – they are earthy.

Rule #8: Buy men label makers. Almost as good as cordless drills. Within a couple of weeks there will be labels absolutely everywhere. “Socks. Shorts. Cups. Saucers. Door. Lock. Sink.” You get the idea. No one knows why.

Rule #9: Never buy a man anything that says “some assembly required” on the box. It will ruin his Special Day and he will always have parts left over.

Rule #10: Good places to shop for men include Northwest Iron Works, Parr Lumber, Home Depot, John Deere, Valley RV Center, and Les Schwab Tire. NAPA Auto Parts and Sear’s Clearance Centers are also excellent men’s stores. It doesn’t matter if he doesn’t know what it is. “From NAPA Auto, eh? Must be something I need. Hey! Isn’t this a starter for a ’68 Ford Fairlane? Wow! Thanks.”)

Rule #11: Men enjoy danger. That’s why they never cook – but they will barbecue. Get him a monster barbecue with a 100-pound propane tank. Tell him the gas line leaks. “Oh the thrill! The challenge! Who wants a hamburger?”

Rule #12: Tickets to a Red Wing/Lions/Pistons/Tigers game are a smart gift. However, he will not appreciate tickets to “A Retrospective of 19th Century Quilts.” Everyone knows why.

Rule #13: Men love chain saws. Never, ever, buy a man you love a chain saw. If you don’t know why – please refer to Rule #8 and what happens when he gets a label maker.

Rule #14: It’s hard to beat a really good wheelbarrow or an aluminum extension ladder. Never buy a real man a step ladder. It must be an extension ladder. No one knows why.

Rule #15: Rope. Men love rope. It takes us back to our cowboy origins, or at least The Boy Scouts. Nothing says love like a hundred feet of 3/8″ manilla rope. No one knows why.

Which of the following lines will do a better job of frightening a man away?

1) Get away or I’ll call the police!!!

2) I love you and want to marry you and have your children.

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Yisman

1. Men aren’t pigs. Pigs are intelligent, sensitive, caring
animals.

2. I’m not drunk you shilly sit

3. Time is the best teacher, unfortunately it kills all it’s
students

4. Procrastinators Unite….Tomorrow

5. Caution, Blonde thinking

6. Beauty is in the eye of the Beerholder

7. Sex is like air, it’s not important unless you aren’t getting
any

8. I’d kiss you, but I have a strong gag reflex

9. Queen of the bad girls

10. It looks like the ugly fairy kissed you on both cheeks

11. Men are like outhouses, always taking and full of crap

12. Instant Human, just add coffee

13. Dog and Husband missing, 100$ reward for return of dog

14. Face it…sometimes you’re the dog…and sometimes you’re
the fire hydrant

15. Money isn’t everything…but it keeps the kids in touch

16. Beer…4 out of 5 people prefer it to Prozac

17. I smile because you’ve all finally driven me INSANE

18. I feel better now that I’ve lost all hope

19. Lost in thought…a deep, dark, unfamiliar place

20. Let me show you how we do it in the trailer park

21. If you want sunshine, go to the beach

22. Looking for a 10…will settle for a 5

A woman that was on her death-bed turned to her husband telling him he should get married soon after she’ll die, to which the man said-OK.

Then she told him that he may bring the new wife to her home -Ok said the man, and you may give her my silver-OK said he, you will also give her my jewelry-OK, said the man, and you will also give her my dresses, said the woman –

“This will not be possible”, answered the man -“you see, you are size 8 and she is size 10”.

A woman is speeding to work because she is late.
A trooper pulls her over for speeding,and says where are you off to in such a hurry?
She says im late for work.
The officer replys what do you do?
She says im an ass stretcher.
He says whats that?
Im an ass stretcher.
Again he says whats that?
She says im an ass stretcher.
Oh what do you do he replied,she says i stretch assholes, i take an asshole and i stretch it for a while and then i work it out to about 6 feet tall, the cop replied what would u do with a 6 foot asshole, says give him a gun and a night stick.

It has been reported Osama Bin Laden has called for all muslim women to shave their pubic hair!

But experts say he is taking his anti-Bush campaign too far!

Submitted by calamjo
Edited by Curtis

A young man called his mother and announced excitedly that he had just met the woman of his dreams. Now what should he do?

His mother had an idea: “Why don’t you send her flowers, and on the card, invite her to your apartment for a home cooked meal?”

He thought this was a great strategy and arranged a date for a week later.

His mother called the day after the big date to see how things had gone.

“The evening was a disaster,” he moaned.

“Why, didn’t she come over?” asked his mother.

“Oh, she came over, but she refused to cook …”

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis

A lady said, “I’d give a thousand dollars to the man who would worry for me!” The man said, “You�re on!. Now where is my thousand dollars?” The lady said, “That is your first worry!”

A doctor was waiting for his next patient and when they arrived, it was a georgeous blonde. The doctor almost lost his control because he was so attracted. He let all professionalism go out the window and walked over to her. “What is your name miss?” he asked. “Allie” she replied. He began to feel her breasts because he was so wild with desire, and he said: “do you know what I am doing Allie?” she said “yes, you are checking lumbs in my breasts.” “yes, that’s right” he replied. He then began to rub his hands up and down her body. he said to her “allie, do you know what I am doing now?” “yes,” she said, “you are checking me for any skin imperfections.” “thats right” he said. He finally lost all control and began to have intercourse with the woman. “Now do you know what I am doing Allie?” he asked, absolutely having the time of his life. “yes,” she said, “getting herpes which is why I came to see you.”

What does a 40 year old woman have between her breasts that an 18 year old doesn’t?Her navel!

Two Southern belles were having a picnic in a park. The first one says, “See my new diamond ring? My husband bought it for me.”

The second one says, “Oh, that’s nice! That’s really, really nice!”

The first one says, “And see that shiny new Jaguar parked over there? My husband bought it for me.”

The second one says, “Oh, that’s nice! That’s really, really nice!”

The first one says, “And you know that big white house at the top of the hill? My husband is gonna buy that for me.”

The second one says, “Oh, that’s nice! That’s really, really nice!”

The first one says, “Oh my stars, here I am, going on and on about myself! Tell me, what does your husband do for you?”

The second one says, “Well, my husband sent me to charm school.”

The first one says, “Charm school? Why on earth would he do that?”

The second one says, “Because I used to say, ‘Who gives a fuck,’ but now I say, ‘Oh, that’s nice! That’s really, really nice!'”

A drunk man was casually taking a piss into a drinking fountain in the park.

A police officer comes up to him and yells frantically, “What the hell do you think you’re doing? There’s a public toilet 20 feet from here!”

The man, amazed, yells back, “What do you think I have, a hose??!”

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Tantilazing