Category: gender

Just after I got married, I was invited out for a night with the boys. I told the missus that I would be home by midnight. . . I promise! Well, the yarns were being spun and the grog was going down easy and at around 3 am, full as a boot, I went home.Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock started and cuckooed three times. Quickly I realized she’d probably wake up, so I cuckooed another nine times and was really proud of myself for having the quick-wittedness, even when pissed, to escape a possible conflict.Next morning the missus asked me what time I got in and I told her midnight. Whew, got away with that one! She then told me that we needed a new cuckoo clock. When I asked her why, she said, ‘Well, at 3 am this morning, it cuckooed three times, paused, said bollocks, Cuckooed another four times, farted, cuckooed another three times, paused, cleared its throat and cuckooed twice, then giggled for over three minutes.”I think it’s stuffed, don’t you?’

A husband is at home watching a football game when his wife interrupts,
“Honey, could you fix the light in the hallway? It’s been flickering for
weeks now.”

He looks at her and says angrily, “Fix the light? Now? Does it look like I
have a G.E. logo printed on my forehead? I don’t think so.”

“Well then, could you fix the fridge door? It won’t close right.”

To which he replied, “Fix the fridge door? Does it look like I have
Westinghouse written on my forehead? I don’t think so.”

“Fine,” she says, “then could you at least fix the steps to the front door?
They’re about to break.”

“I’m not a damn carpenter and I don’t want to fix the steps,” he says. “Does
it look like I have Ace Hardware written on my forehead? I don’t think so.
I’ve had enough of you. I’m going to the bar!!!”

So he goes to the bar and drinks for a couple hours.

He starts to feel guilty about how he treated his wife, and decides to go
home and help out. As he walks into the house, he notices the steps are
already fixed. As he enters the house, he sees the hall light is working. As
he goes to get a beer, he notices the fridge door is fixed. “Honey, how’d
this all get fixed?”

She said, “Well, when you left, I sat outside and cried. Just then a nice
young man asked me what was wrong, and I told him. He offered to do all the
repairs, and all I had to do was either screw him or bake him a cake.”

He said, “So, what kind of cake did you bake him?”

She replied, “Hellooooo… Do you see Betty Crocker written on my forehead?”

Rules for Women to live by(as given by men).

1. Return calls.
2. Don’t lie, either. We have call waiting.
3. Use handcuffs in place of tape (doesn’t stick to hair).
4. If girls night out involves exotic dancers, remember, he’s stuffed his speedos.
5. If girls night out is going to be fun, remember…….guys like to watch.
6. The correct response is never, ever, “not tonight, I have a headache.”
7. Ditto for “would you like to give me oral pleasures.”
8. Victoria’s Secret is good. Frederick’s of Hollywood is VERY GOOD!
9. “Nag”, “Lardass”, and “Bitch” are compliments in some cultures.
10. Talking is uncommon, Shouting is ineffective, Slapping generally gets the point across.
11. Ex-girlfriends are nothing more than EX-GIRLFRIENDS. (so get over it)
12. Buying her dinner does equal foreplay if, you use your toes correctly under the table.
13. Two words: clean house!
14. Stop nagging.
15. Never wrong just accept it.
16. You are more attractive when we’re drunk.
17. Don’t assume PMS is an acceptable response.
18. No means maybe, Yes means I thought you’ would never ask.
19. You can’t convince us that spending $300 on SALE items saved me anything!
20. Chivalry and Feminism can’t peacefully co-exist.
21. 3,000 miles = oil change. Figure it out.
22. If you want to break up with him, don’t ask if you can “still be friends” He’s got enough friends and you’ve been complaining about them and that’s why you’re breaking up in the first place!
23. Don’t force him to tell you he loves you in front of other people and if he does, you better hang on to that man for life, honey!
24. Always, always suck up to his mother.
25. Think naked.
26. Even during the daytime.
27. If you ask…”Is she pretty?” be prepared for the truth!
28. Ditto for “Would you sleep with her?”
29. Does not apply to “Do you like my cooking?”
30. Superbowl Sunday IS a religious holiday.
31. On time means ON TIME not “Well I was only 14 minutes late this time.”
32. Buns of steel works…try it.
33. My ex-girlfriend did …refer to # 11
34. Admit you too like to order the playboy channel.
35. The rules ARE never fair. He would have been playing golf if it weren’t for the birth of your first child. But he couldn’t get a tee time anyway and besides, it’ll make him look good in front of the in-laws. You’re right about ONE thing, it does all balance out.

These rules are original and cannot be duplicated without the expressed
consent of the authors or the nearest male (whichever is closer)

There are more jokes like this at http://www.jokedepot.com

A woman rushed into the supermarket to pick up a few items.

She headed for the express line where the clerk was talking on the phone with his back turned to her.

“Excuse me,” she said, “I’m in a hurry. Could you check me out, please?”

The clerk turned, stared at her for a second, looked her up and down, smiled and said, “Not bad.”

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Tantilazing

Party Etiquette: Drinking Your Fair Share. Telephone Skills: How to Hang Up. Introduction to Parking.

Two old men are sitting outside the town hall, where a flower show is in progress.

One complains, “Cripes, life is boring. We never have any fun! For $5, I’ll streak naked through the flower show!”

“You’re on!” the other geriatric says.

The first old man fumbles out of his clothes and streaks through the hall.

Waiting outside, his friend hears a commotion inside, followed by applause.

Then the naked old man bursts through the door, surrounded by a cheering crowd. “How did it go?” asks the friend.

“Great!” says the wrinkled streaker. “I won first prize for dried arrangement!”

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo

AGE DRINK
17 Wine Coolers
25 White wine
35 Red wine
48 Dom Perignon
66 Shot of Jack with an Ensure chaser

EXCUSES FOR REFUSING DATES
17 Need to wash my hair
25 Need to wash and condition my hair
35 Need to color my hair
48 Need to have Francois color my hair
66 Need to have Francois color my wig

FAVORITE SPORT
17 shopping
25 shopping
35 shopping
48 shopping
66 shopping

DEFINITION OF A SUCCESSFUL DATE
17 “Burger King”
25 “Free meal”
35 “A diamond”
48 “A bigger diamond”
66 “Home Alone”

FAVORITE FANTASY
17 tall, dark and handsome
25 tall, dark and handsome with money
35 tall, dark and handsome with money and a brain
48 a man with hair
66 a man

HOUSE PET
17 Muffy the cat
25 Unemployed boyfriend and Muffy the Cat
35 Irish setter and Muffy the Cat
48 Children from his first marriage and Muffy the Cat
66 Retired husband dabbles in taxidermy, stuffs
Muffy the Cat

WHAT’S THE IDEAL AGE TO GET MARRIED?
17 17
25 25
35 35
48 48
66 66

IDEAL DATE
17 He offers to pay
25 He pays
35 He cooks breakfast the next morning
48 He cooks breakfast the next morning for the kids
66 He can chew breakfast

Q.
What do men and sperm have in common?
A. They both have a one-in-a-million chance of becoming a human being.

What’s the most important question to ask when you want to have safe sex?

What time will your husband get home?

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by BreeBrown

The following comments are those of Bill Hall who is a syndicated humor columnist for the Lewiston Morning Tribune in Lewiston, Idaho.

Consider bathing, for instance. As a general rule, middle-aged women take baths at night. The men shower each morning. The men like to go to bed dirty and go to work clean. Women prefer to go to bed clean and to work dirty. That’s why men usually take their coffee breaks with other men.

Women read more boring magazines than men. They read silly, pedestrian magazines filled with articles on making quilts, turning bleach bottles into stunning centerpieces, the use of orange eyeshadow and how to get men to shower before going to bed instead of before going to work.

Men read sensible, intellectual journals on how to catch fish and kill little animals.

When a man cooks, he keeps his knives sharp. Most female cooks don’t. Indeed, most female cooks don’t even own a decent kitchen knife, let alone a sharp one.

Female cooks offer the excuse that they would cut themselves if they had a sharp knife. And anyone with knives that lousy probably would.

There is another difference between male and female cooks. Female cooks generally cook better with dull knives than male cooks do with sharp knives. That’s how infuriating female cooks can be.

Most women in my age group wear dresses occasionally. Only a few of my male friends do and then only in the privacy of their own homes.

The women hobble around on high-heeled shoes. Most men would never do anything that silly. In fact, there is a name for the kind of men who wear high heels. They are called cowboys.

Women laugh at men for wearing neckties and coats on 100-degree summer days. They snicker at men for wearing more clothes than necessary in hot weather. However, the women who do that are sweating in their pantyhose.

Most women in my age group wear make-up. Very few of the men do. There is a name for men who wear make-up. They are called weird cowboys.

Women are far more likely to be lousy tippers in restaurants, and to complain thereafter that men always get better service than they do.

Women fold their underwear. Most men merely stuff their underwear into the drawer. Men use the time they save to catch fish and kill little animals.

Most women, when lost, will stop and ask directions. Most men in my age group believe admitting you’re lost will cast doubt on your manhood. That’s why so many macho men are lost. Smarter men prove their manhood by stopping and asking women for directions, even when they aren’t lost.

There is another big difference between men and women in my age group. A competent man tends to rise through the ranks so easily that he eventually reaches a level where he is incompetent. Dr. Laurence J. Peter has dubbed this process the Peter Principle.

Women in my age group tend to be held below the level of their competence, making them embarrassing to work with because they tend to outshine male colleagues at the same level.

This is known as the Pain-in-the-Neck Principle. Incompetent men who have been subjected to that humiliation retaliate by refusing to promote women. And rightly so. You don’t want people in the board room who don’t shower each morning.

WOMEN’S COMPACT INSTRUCTION BOOK Tell him you’re not his type – you have a pulse. Never let your man’s mind wander – its too little to be left out alone. Go for younger men. You might as well – they never mature anyway.

What’s easier to make: a snowman or a snowwoman?

A snowman is easier to make, ’cause with a snowwoman you have to hollow out the head and pack all that extra snow into balls to make her breasts!