Q. Why does a bride smile when she walks up the aisle?
A. She knows she’s given her last blow job.
Category: gender
Frog wishes
Three women were out golfing one day and one of them hit her ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.The frog said to her, ‘If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes.’ The woman freed the frog and the frog said, ‘Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes. Whatever you wish for, your husband will get 10 times more or better.’The woman said, ‘That would be OK,’ and for her first wish she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.The frog warned her, ‘You do realize this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis, and that women will flock to him.’The woman replied, ‘That will be OK because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will only have eyes for me.’ So, poof – she’s the most beautiful woman in the world.For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.The frog said, ‘That will make your husband the richest man in the world and he will be 10 times richer than you.’The woman said, ‘That will be okay because what is mine is his and what is his is mine.’ So, poof – she’s the richest woman in the world.The frog then inquired about her third wish and she answered, ‘I’d like a mild heart attack.’
Question and answer
Q: Why do men like smart women?A: Opposites attract.
Smart Men and Talking Women
Why are men smart and women talk a lot?
Because men have two heads and woman have four lips!
True Gender of Object
Mirrors are female because none of their reflections are really their own.
Stamps are female because men like to lick them, stick them, and then send them away.
Windows are male because they’re a pane, and because you can see through them.
Shit is male because the older it gets, the easier it is to pick up.
Deer hunting
It was Saturday morning as Jake, an avid hunter, woke up raring to go bag the first deer of the season.
He walks down to the kitchen to get a cup of coffee, and to his surprise
he finds his wife, Alice, sitting there, fully dressed in camouflage.
Jake asks her, “What are you up to?”
Alice smiles, “I’m going hunting with you!”
Jake, though he had many reservations about this, reluctantly decides to take her along.
Three hours later they arrive at a game preserve just outside of San Marcos,Texas.
Jake sets his lovely wife safely up in the tree stand and tells her, “If you see a deer, take careful aim on it and I’ll come running back as soon as I hear the shot.”
Jake walks away with a smile on his face knowing that Alice couldn’t bag an elephant — much less a deer.
Not 10 minutes pass when he is startled as he hears an array of gunshots.
Quickly, Jake starts running back. As Jake gets closer to her stand, he hears Alice screaming, “Get away from my deer!”
Confused and frightened Jake races faster towards his screaming wife. And again he hears her yell, “Get away from my deer now!” followed by another volley of gunfire!
Now within sight of where he had left his wife, Jake is surprised to see a Texas cowboy, with his hands high in the air.
The cowboy, obviously distraught, says, “Okay, lady! You can
have your f#@ken deer! Just let me get my saddle off it!”
What Is Your Sex?
Two babies were sitting in their cribs, when one baby shouted to the
other, “Are you a little girl or a little boy?” “I don’t know,” replied
the other baby giggling. “What do you mean, you don’t know?” said the
first baby. “Well, I do,” said the first baby chuckling. “I’ll climb into
your crib and find out.” He carefully maneuvered himself into the other
baby’s crib, then quickly disappeared beneath the blankets. After a couple
of minutes, he resurfaced with a big grin on his face. “You’re a little
girl, and I’m a little boy” he said proudly. “You’re ever so clever,”
cooed the baby girl, “but how can you tell?’ “It’s quite easy really,”
replied the baby boy, “You’ve got pink booties and I’ve got blue ones.”
WHAT WERE YOU THINKING?!
Van and the Queen
Van der Merwe is invited to have lunch with the Queen. While sitting at her table he says to her:
“Jis you know Queen you have got such a nice house, and you know Queen your clothes are so nice and you know Queen your food is bakgat!”
The Queen gets pissed off with this Queen bit and says to Van. “Mr Van der Merwe, you should not be calling me Queen this and Queen that the correct title is “Your highness”.
Van says, ” ..jis that is unbelievable, my brother’s name is also Johannes and he is also a queen!”
Brace yourself
Two hunters went moose hunting every winter without success.
Finally, they came up with a foolproof plan.
They got a very authentic female moose costume and learned the mating call of a female moose.
The plan was to hide in the costume, lure the bull, then come out of the costume and shoot the bull.
They set themselves up on the edge of a clearing, donned their costume and began to give the moose love call.
Before long, their call was answered as a bull came crashing out of the forest and into the clearing.
When the bull was close enough, the guy in front said, “Okay, let’s get out and get him.”
After a moment that seemed like an eternity, the guy in the back shouted, “The zipper is stuck! What are we going to do?”
The guy in the front says, “Well, I’m going to start nibbling grass, but you’d better brace yourself.”
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Yisman
Who won the race?
Ok there are two gay guys and two lesbians. They are on a race to LA.
Which of the two will get there first?
The Lesbians, because the gay guys are still getting their shit packed!
Female Stages of Life
THE FEMALE STAGES OF LIFE
AGE DRINK 17 Wine Coolers 25 White wine 35 Red wine 48 Dom Perignon 66 Shot of Jack with an Ensure chaser
AGE EXCUSES FOR REFUSING DATES 17 Need to wash my hair 25 Need to wash and condition my hair 35 Need to color my hair 48 Need to have Francois color my hair 66 Need to have Francois color my wig
AGE FAVORITE SPORT 17 shopping 25 shopping 35 shopping 48 shopping 66 shopping
AGE DEFINITION OF A SUCCESSFUL DATE 17 “Burger King” 25 “Free meal” 35 “A diamond” 48 “A bigger diamond” 66 “Home Alone”
AGE FAVORITE FANTASY 17 tall, dark and handsome 25 tall, dark and handsome with money 35 tall, dark and handsome with money and a brain 48 a man with hair 66 a man
AGE WHAT’S THE IDEAL AGE TO GET MARRIED? 17 17 25 25 35 35 48 48 66 66
AGE IDEAL DATE 17 He offers to pay 25 He pays 35 He cooks breakfast the next morning 48 He cooks breakfast the next morning for the kids 66 He can chew breakfast
Chauvinist Pigs…Bulb?
How many male chauvinistic pigs does it take to change a light bulb?
None. Let the bitch do it by herself.
or
None. Let the bitch cook in the dark.