Category: gender

What do you call a virgin on a waterbed?

A cherry float.

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by calamjo

A man was sitting with a few beers watching T.V.
When his wife came home she opened the door to the house and said to her husband “Honey could please fix this door, it’s gonna fall off”. He replied “Do I look like I have Mitre10 on my head”

She said nothing. Later she asked him to fix the ladder so she could change the light bulb and he said “Do I look like I have HandyMan on my head?.

Then she asked if he could wash the car and he said to her “Do I look like I have Shell Service station on my head”?

He became so mad he said “I’m sick of you, get out of my way – I’m going to the pub”.

When he came home late that night he noticed the door, light and car had all been fixed.

“How did you do that”? he asked his wife.

She told him that when she had been sitting on the doorstep crying when he left and a nice man asked if he could help her. She told him what had happened and he said that all she had to do for payment was bake him a cake or have sex with him.

Her husband asked “What kind of cake did you make”

To which she replied “Do I look like I have BettyCrocker on my head”?

Q: What do you call a lesbian with a long tongue?
A: Well Hung!!

A survey has found that about 90% of all Hallmark greeting cards are purchased by women. In order to attract more males to buy and exchange greeting cards, the following are some greeting card suggestions created to attract more male buyers:

Cover picture: Dim, misty, moody picture of a vase of roses.
Cover caption: Condolances
Inside caption: …on the loss of your remote control.

Cover picture: Nostalgic picture of a young couple strolling through a field holding hands.
Cover caption: Darling, as we go into our 10th year together…
Inside caption: I swear I’ll leave my wife soon!

Cover picture: Gold-leafed picture of a vase of red roses.
Cover caption: Get well soon, darling!
Inside caption: This house doesn’t clean itself!

Cover picture: Two men standing on lush golf course, one of them ready to putt.
Cover caption: To my golf partner…
Inside caption: Just to let you know, I’m sleeping with my secretary.

Cover picture: Dark moody picture of a vase of roses.
Cover caption: In sympathy, I’m sorry to hear the news…
Inside caption: That you’ve been beaten senseless again in another bar fight.

Cover picture: Norman Rockwell-ish painting of a young girl picking daisies.
Cover caption: To the daughter that I love…
Inside caption: No daughter of mine is leaving this house dressed like a slut!

Cover picture: Misty photo of a couple embracing and kissing.
Cover caption: To my wonderful wife…I know we’ve had a little disagreement
Inside caption: But please don’t cut off my sex organ as I sleep tonight!

Cover picture: Photo of two men shaking hands.
Cover caption: Congratulations and the best of luck!
Inside caption: To the installation of your new hair plugs!

If men ruled the world:

Any fake phone number a girl gave you would automatically forward
your call to her real number.

Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed an acceptable
response to “I love you.”

Hallmark would make “Sorry, what was your name again?” cards.

When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game,
she’d appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a time-out.

Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack to the ass and a “Nice
hustle, you’ll get ’em next time” would pretty much do it.

Birth control would come in ale or lager.

You’d be expected to fill your resume with gag names of people you’d worked for, like “Heywood J’Blowme.”

Each year, your raise would be pegged to the fortunes of the NFL team of your choice.

The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO.

“Sorry I’m late, but I got really wasted last night” would be an
acceptable excuse for tardiness.

At the end of the workday, a whistle would blow and you’d jump out your window and slide down the tail of a brontosaurus and right into your car like Fred Flintstone.

It’d be considered harmless fun to gather 30 friends, put on horned helmets, and go pillage a nearby town.

Lifeguards could remove citizens from beaches for violating the “public ugliness” ordinance.

Tanks would be far easier to rent.

Garbage would take itself out.

Instead of beer belly, you’d get “beer biceps.”

Instead of an expensive engagement ring, you could present your wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that said, “You’re #1!”

Valentine’s Day would be moved to February 29th so it would only
occur in leap years.

On Groundhog Day, if you saw your shadow, you’d get the day off to go drinking. Mother’s Day, too.

St. Patrick’s Day, however, would remain exactly the same. But it would be celebrated every month.

COPS would be broadcast live, and you could phone in advice to the pursuing cops. Or to the crooks.

Two words: Ally McNaked.

Regis and Kathie Lee would be chained to a cement mixer and pushed off the Golden Gate Bridge for the most lucrative pay-per-view event in world history.

The victors in any athletic competition would get to kill and eat the losers.

The only show opposite Monday Night Football would be Monday Night
Football from a Different Camera Angle.

It would be perfectly legal to steal a sports car, as long as you
returned it the following day with a full tank of gas.

Every man would get four real Get Out of Jail Free cards per year.

When a cop gave you a ticket, every smart-aleck answer you responded with would actually reduce your fine. As in:
Cop: “You know how fast you were going?”
You: “All I know is, I was spilling my beer all over the place.”
Cop: “Nice one. That’s $10 off.”

Faucets would run “Hot,” “Cold,” and “100 proof.”

The Statue of Liberty would get a bright red, 40-foot thong.

Daisy Duke shorts would never again go out of style.

Telephones would automatically cut off after 30 seconds of conversation.

1. We got off the Titanic first. 2. We can scare male bosses with mysterious gynecological disorder excuses. 3. We never ejaculate prematurely. 4. We get to flirt with systems support men who always return our calls and are nice to us when we blow up our computers.5. When we buy a vibrator it’s glamorous. When men buy a blowup doll, it’s pathetic. 6. Our boyfriend’s clothes make us look elfin and gorgeous. Guys look like complete idiots in ours.7. We can be groupies. Male groupies are stalkers. 8. We can cry and get off speeding fines. 9. We’ve never lusted after a cartoon character or the central figure in a computer game. 10. Taxis stop for us. 11. Men die earlier, so we get to cash in on the life insurance. 12. We don’t look like a frog in a blender when dancing. 13. Free drinks, free dinners, free moving (you get the point?). 14. We can hug our friend without wondering if she thinks we’re gay. 15. We know the truth about whether size matters.16. New lipstick gives us a whole new lease on life. 17. If we have sex with someone and don’t call the next day, we’re not the devil. 18. Condoms make no significant difference in our enjoyment of sex. 19. We can sleep our way to the top. 20. Nothing crucial can be cut off with one clean sweep. 21. It’s possible to live our whole lives without ever taking a group shower.22. No fashion faux pas we make could rival Speedos. 23. We don’t have to fart to amuse ourselves. 24. If we cheat on our spouse, people assume it’s because we’re being emotionally neglected. 25. We never have to wonder if his orgasm was real. 26. If we forget to shave, no one has to know. 27. We can congratulate our teammate without ever touching her arse. 28. If we have a zit, we know how to conceal it. 29. We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our privates are still there. 30. If we’re dumb, some people will find it cute. 31. We have an excuse to be a total bitch at least once a month. 32. We can talk to people of the opposite sex without having to picture them naked. 33. If we marry someone 20 years younger, we’re aware that we look like an idiot. 34. Our friends won’t think we’re weird if we ask whether there’s spinach in our teeth. 35. There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems. 36. Gay waiters don’t make us uncomfortable. 37. We’ll never regret piercing our ears. 38. We can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes.

What did God say after he created man?

“I can do better than this” and he made woman.

But the disruptions created in Adam’s internals when God removed his rib were so great that it caused Adam’s brain to sink down into his testicles.

And so one of Eve’s first assignments was to explain to Adam the difference between his black and navy blue socks.

They came out with a new douche powder it’s made from Alum, Honey, and Chicken Fat.

The Alum makes it tighter for the peter,

the Honey makes it sweeter for the eater,

and the Chicken fat makes it finger licking good.

A group of girlfriends are on vacation when they see a 5- story
hotel with a sign that reads: “For Women Only.” Since they are
without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in.

The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it
works. “We have 5 floors. Go up floor-by-floor, and once you
find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It’s easy to
decide since each floor has a sign telling you what’s inside.”

So they start going up and on the first floor the sign reads:
“All the men on this floor are short and plain.” The friends
laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor.

The sign on the second floor reads: “All the men here are short
and handsome.” Still, this isn’t good enough, so the friends
continue on up.

They reach the third floor and the sign reads: “All the men here
are tall and plain.” They still want to do better, and so,
knowing there are still two floors left, they continued on up.

On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: “All the men here are
tall and handsome.” The women get all excited and are going in
when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering
what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor.

There they find a sign that reads: “There are no men here. This
floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a
woman.”

Why are penis so depressed?

Because they only have one eye,

No brains in their head,

Two nuts for friends,

and a asshole for a neighbor.

Submitted by Admin
Edited by Curtis

I’M GLAD I’M A WOMAN

I’m glad I’m a woman, yes I am, yes I am.
I don’t live off of Budweiser, Beer Nuts and Spam.
I don’t brag to my buddies about my erections.
I won’t drive to Hell before I ask for directions.
I don’t get wasted at parties, and act like a clown.
And I know how to put that damned toilet seat down!
I won’t grab your hooters, I won’t pinch your butt.
My belt buckle’s not hidden beneath my beer gut.
And I don’t go around “re-adjusting” my crotch,
or yell like Tarzan when my headboard gets a notch.
I don’t belch in public, I don’t scratch my behind.
I’m a woman you see-I’m just not that kind!
I’m glad I’m a woman, I’m so glad I could sing.
I don’t have body hair like shag carpeting.
It doesn’t grow from my ears or cover my back.
When I lean over you can’t see 3 inches of crack.
And what’s on my head doesn’t leave with my comb.
I’ll never buy a toupee to cover my dome.
Or have a few hairs pulled from over the side.
I’m a woman, you know-I’ve got far too much pride!
And I honestly think its a privilege for me,
to have these two boobs and squat when I pee.
I don’t live to play golf and shoot basketball.
I don’t swagger and spit like a Neanderthal.
I won’t tell you my wife just does not understand,
Or stick my hand in my pocket to hide that gold band.
Or tell you a story to make you sigh and weep,
Then screw you, roll over and fall sound asleep!
Yes, I’m so very glad I’m a woman, you see.
Forget all about that old penis envy.
I don’t long for male bonding, I don’t cruise for a chick.
Join the Hair Club For Men, or think with my dick.
I’m a woman by chance and I’m thankful, it’s true.
I’m so glad I’m a woman and not a man like you!

A little boy asked his father, “Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?”
And the father replied, “I don’t know son, I’m still paying!”
~~~
First guy (proudly): “My wife’s an angel!”
Second guy: “You’re lucky, mine’s still alive.”