Category: gender

1. Silence, the Final Frontier: Where No Woman Has Gone Before
2. The Undiscovered Side of Banking: Making Deposits

3. Combating the Imelda Marcos Syndrome: You Do Not Need New Shoes Everyday

4. Parties: Going Without New Outfits

5. Man Management: Discover How Minor Household Chores Can Wait Until After the Game

6. Bathroom Etiquette I: Men Need Space in the Bathroom Cabinet Too

7. Bathroom Etiquette II: His Razor Is His

8. Valuation: Just Because It’s Not Important to You . . .

9. Communication Skills I: Tears – The Last Resort, Not the First

10. Communication Skills II: Thinking Before Speaking

11. Communication Skills III: Getting What You Want, Without Nagging

12. Driving a Car Safely: A Skill You CAN Acquire

13. Party Etiquette: Drinking Your Fair Share

14. Telephone Skills: How to Hang Up

15. Introduction to Parking

16. Advanced Parking: Reversing Into A Space

17. Overcoming Anal Retentive Behavior: Leaving the Towels on the Floor

18. Water retention: Fact or Fat

19. Cooking I: Bringing Back Bacon, Eggs and Butter

20. Cooking II: Bran and Tofu are Not For Human Consumption

21. Cooking III: How Not to Inflict Your Diets on Other People

22. Compliments: Accepting Them Gracefully

23. PMS: Your Problem . . . Not His

24. Dancing: Why Men Don’t Like To

25. Sex – It’s For Married Couples Too

26. Classic Clothing: Wearing Outfits You Already Have

27. Household Dust: A Harmless Natural Occurrence Only Women Notice

28. Integrating Your Laundry: Washing It All Together

29. Ballet: For Women Only

30. Oil and Gas: Your Car Needs Both

31. Learning to Go in Public Rest rooms

32. Appreciating the Humor of the Three Stooges

33. “Do These Jeans Make My Butt Look Big?” – Why Men Lie

34. TV Remotes: For Men Only

I can let you have this top-of-the-line stereo for nine hundred dollars, minus six percent for cash,” the salesman said.

The customer, not able to figure the calculation, said he would think about the deal and return the next day.

That evening, the fellow asked his female friend, “If you were offered nine hundred dollars minus six percent, how much would you take off?”

“Everything but my earrings,” she purred.

What do men have difficulty retaining?

a) a job b) a budget c) a promise d) a secret e) a friendship f) a
marriage g) an anniversary date h) a 30-minute erection i) all of
the above

There was a perfect man who met a perfect woman. After a perfect
courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was,
of course, perfect.

One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving
their perfect car (a Grand Caravan) along a winding road, when
they noticed someone at the side of the road in distress. Being
the perfect couple, they stopped to help. There stood Santa
Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any
children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded
Santa and his toys into their vehicle.

Soon they were driving along delivering the toys. Unfortunately,
the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and
Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of them survived the
accident. Who was the survivor?

(Scroll down for the answer.)

The perfect woman. She’s the only one that really existed in the
first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is
no such thing as a perfect man…

(Women, end e-mail here.!!!! Men, keep scrolling.)

So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the perfect
woman must have been driving. This explains why there was a car
accident. (By the way if you are a woman, and you are reading
this…this brings up another point…women never listen
either….)

Q. What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
A. The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of
driving.

A woman’s three biggest lies…

1-You’re the Biggest. 2-You’re the Best. 3-It doesn’t always taste like that.

How do you confuse a woman?? Give her a choice!!

Q. Did you hear about the new all female delivery service?
A. It’s called UPMS – they deliver whenever the fuck they feel like it.

They are:
Her Doctor; he says, “Take your clothes off.”

Her Dentist; he says, “Open wide.”

Her Veterinarian; he says, “And how is your little pussy doing today?”

Her Gardener; he says, “Do you want me to mulch your bush?”

Her Hairdresser; he says, “Do you want it teased or blown?”

Her Interior Decorator; he says, “You’ll like it once it’s in.”

Her Hunter; he goes deep into the bush, shoots several times, and always eats what he shoots.

Her Remodeler; he says, “It fits tongue-in-groove with a little hammering.”

Her Milkman; he says, “Do you want it in front or in back?”

Her Banker; he says, “If you take it out too soon, you’ll lose interest.”

Two nuns were asked by the Mother Superior to decorate the inside of the monastery, but under no cicumstances were they to get even one drop of paint on their habits. After an hour of really slow going, one nun says “This is far too slow. Why don’t we take off our clothes, finish decorating, then re-dress again? No-one will know…” And that’s exactly what they did.

But before long there came a knock at the front door so, quite startled, the first nun calls “Who is it?”

“I’m the blind man” came the reply. So the nuns relax and the first goes off and opens the door.

“Wow, great body lady! Now where do you want these blinds…?”

Words From Famous Women …

“I’m not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I’m not dumb…and I also know that I’m not blonde.” – Dolly Parton

“I figure that if the children are alive when I get home, I’ve done my job.” – Roseanne

“My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can’t decide whether to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives.” – Rita Rudner

“He tricked me into marrying him. He told me he was pregnant” – Carol
Leifer

“I’ve been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog.” – Wendy Liebman

“I’m not going to vacuum ’til Sears makes one you can ride on.” – Roseanne

“I found out why cats drink out of the toilet. My mother told me it’s because it’s cold in there. And I’m like: How did my mother know THAT?” – Wendy Liebman

“I think-therefore I’m single” – Lizz Winstead

“Any girl can be glamorous. All you have to do is stand still and look stupid.” – Hedy Lamarr

“When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country.” – Elayne Boosler

“I base most of my fashion taste on what doesn’t itch.” – Gilda Radner

“Behind every successful man is a surprised woman.”- Maryon Pearson

“Our struggle today is not to have a female Einstein get appointed as an assistant professor. It is for a woman schlemiel to get as quickly promoted as a male schlemiel.” – Bella Abzug

“In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man; if you want anything done, ask a woman.” – Margaret Thatcher

“I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career.” – Gloria Steinem

“Some of us are becoming the men we wanted to marry.” – Gloria Steinem

“Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should live next door and just visit now and then.” – Katharine Hepburn

“I never married because there was no need. I have three pets at home which answer the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog which growls every morning, a parrot which swears all afternoon and a cat that comes home late at night.” – Marie Corelli

“If men can run the world, why can’t they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a little noose around your neck?” – Linda Ellerbee

“I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house.” – Zsa Zsa Gabor

WOMEN’S RIGHTS

The following took place at an international conference for women’s rights.

The first speaker, a lady from England stood and said, “During last year’s conference, we spoke about being more assertive with our
husbands. Well, after the conference, I went home and told my husband, Barrington, that I would no longer cook for him and that he would have to do it himself.
After the first day, I saw nothing. The second day, I saw nothing, but on the third day, I saw that he had cooked a wonderful roast lamb.”

(The crowd cheered).

The second speaker from Russia, stood up and said, “After last year’s conference, I went home and told my husband, Ivan, that I would no longer do his laundry and that he would have to do it himself.The first day, I saw nothing. After the second day, I saw nothing,
but on the third day, I saw that he had done not only his own washing, but mine as well.

(The crowd again cheered).

The third speaker, a Jamaican lady, stood up and said,” After lass year’s conference, I wen home and tole dat lazy husband of mines, Dingo Jack, dat I was froo pickin up his beer cans, cookin his tucker and washing his undaweah and dat he was goin to haf to do dem himself.
(The crowd went wild with cheering and clapping that lasted for five long minutes).

She continued………………………

“Afta da first day, I nevah see nuffing.

Afta da second day I nevah see nuffing,

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>but afta da fird day, I could see a little bit out of my leff eye.”