Category: gender

What is the only time a man thinks about a candlelight dinner?

When the power goes off.

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Yisman

Q. How can you tell a woman has a huge ass?
A. You have to take a mule to get to the bottom of her crack.

If you can’t go down on them, you’re not a good partner.

If you can go down on them, they are jeolous that someone taught you how.

If they pay for dinner, you are using them.

If you pay for dinner, you are trying to embarrass them.

If you make less money than them, you have to do all of the housework.

If you make more money than them, you are a ball-breaker and still have to do all of the housework.

If they want sex, they won’t let you sleep.

If you want sex, they won’t wake up.

If you choose an article of clothing that they don’t like, you don’t care about their taste.

If you ask them for help in choosing an article of clothing they do like, they tell you to dress however you want.

If you are polite and friendly to their friends, they want to know why you are coming on to their friends.

If you are distant and reserved to their friends, they want to know why you don’t like their friends.

One day three men were walking along and came upon a raging, violent river. They needed to get to the other side, but couldn’t figure out how to cross it. The first man prayed to God saying, �Please God, give me the strength, courage and ability to cross this river.� Poof! God gave him big arms and strong legs, and he was able to swim across the river in about two hours. Seeing this, the second man prayed to God saying, �Please God, give me the strength, courage, and ability to cross this river.� Poof! God gave him the skill to chop down a tree and fashion it into a rowboat; he was able to row across the river in about three hours. The third man had seen how this worked out for the other two, so he also prayed to God saying, �Please God, give me the strength, courage and ability to cross this river.� Poof! God turned him into a woman, and he walked across the bridge.

How many men does it take to open a bottle of beer?

None – it should be open when she brings it to you!

ZIPLOC BAGS – male, because they hold everything in, but you can always see right through them.

SHOE – male, because it is usually unpolished, with its tongue hanging out.

COPIER – female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm up.

TIRE – male, because it goes bald and often is over inflated.

HOT AIR BALLOON – male, because to get it to go anywhere you have to light a fire under it … and, of course, there’s the hot air part.

SPONGES – female, because they are soft and squeezable and retain water.

SUBWAY – male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.

HOURGLASS – female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.

HAMMER – male, because it hasn’t evolved much over the last 5,000 years, but it’s handy to have around.

REMOTE CONTROL – female ! …. Ha! You thought I’d say male. But consider, it gives men pleasure, he’d be lost without it, and while he doesn’t always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying.

If you are not familiar with golf, you probably won’t get these. Ask your closest golf player.

1. Never try to keep more than 300 separate thoughts in your mind during your swing.

2. When your shot has to carry over a water hazard, you can either hit one more club or two more balls.

3. If you are afraid a full shot might reach the green while the group ahead are still putting, you have two options: you can immediately shank a lay-up, or you can wait until the green is clear and top a ball halfway there.

4. The less skilled the player, the more likely he is to share his ideas about the golf swing.

5. If it isn’t broke, try changing your grip.

6. Golfers who claim they don’t cheat also lie.

7. Everyone replaces his divot after a perfect approach shot.

8. A golf match is a test of your skill against your opponent’s luck.

9. It’s surprisingly easy to sink a 50 foot putt when you lie.

10. Counting on your opponent to inform you when he breaks a rule is like expecting him to make fun of his own haircut.

11. Nonchalant putts count the same as chalant putts.

12. It’s not a gimme putt if you’re still away.

13. The shortest distance between any two points on a golf course is a straight line that passes directly through the large tree.

14. There are two kinds of bounces: unfair bounces and bounces just the way you intended to play it.

15. You can hit a two-acre fairway 10% of the time and a 2-inch branch on a tree 90% of the time.

16. Every time a golfer makes a birdie he must subsequently make three triple bogeys to restore the fundamental equilibrium of the universe.

17. If you want to hit a 7-iron as far as Tiger Woods try to hit just short of a water hazard.

18. To calculate the speed of a player’s downswing, multiply the speed of his backswing by his handicap. Example, backswing 20 miles per hour, handicap, 15, downswing 300
m.p.h.

19. There are two things you can learn by stopping your backswing at the top and checking the position of your hands: how many hands you have, and which hand is wearing
the golf glove.

20. Hazards attract; Fairways repel.

21. You can put “draw” on the ball, you can put “fade” on the ball, but no golfer can put “straight” on the ball.

22. A ball you can see in the rough from 50 yards away is not yours.

23. If there is a ball in the fringe and a ball in the bunker, your ball is in the bunker.

24. If both balls are in the sand, yours is in the footprint.

25. Don’t buy a putter until you have had a chance to throw it.

26. The inevitable result of any golf lesson is the instant elimination of the one critical unconscious motion that allowed you to compensate for all your errors.

Subject: a day at the gym

Dear Diary,

For my forty fifth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me.

Although I am still in great shape since playing on my college football team 20 yrs ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.

I called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 yr old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swimwear.

My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.

MONDAY:

Started my day at 6:00am.

Tough to get out of bed, but it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for me. She was something of a Greek goddess – with blonde hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!!!!

Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the machines. She took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed that my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her in her Lycra aerobics outfit.

I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring, Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, l though my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around.

This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!

TUESDAY:

I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air, and then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda’s rewarding smile made it all worthwhile.

I feel GREAT!! It ‘s a whole new life for me.

WEDNESDAY:

The only way I can brush my teeth is by lying on the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn�t try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot.

Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying.

My chest hurts when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators?

Belinda told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other shit too.

THURSDAY:

Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn’t help being a half an hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes.

Belinda took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid in the men’s room. She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing machine – which I sank.

FRIDAY:

I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic little cheerleader.

If there were a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I
don’t have any triceps! And if you don’t want dents in the floor, don’t hand me the *&%#(#&**!!@*@. Barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich. (Which I am sure you learned in the sadistic school you attended
and graduated magna cumlaude from.)

The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn�t it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?

SATURDAY:

Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the strength to even
use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.

SUNDAY:

I’m having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year, my wife (the bitch), will choose a gift for me that is fun – like a root canal or a vasectomy.

Submitted by NJGin
Edited by BreeBrown

1. Women love to shop. It is the one area of the world where they feel like they’re actually in control.

2. Women especially love a bargain. The question of “need” is irrelevant, so don’t bother pointing it out. Anything on sale is fair game.

3. Women never have anything to wear. Don’t question the racks of clothes in the closet; you “just don’t understand”.

4. Women need to cry. And they won’t do it alone unless they know you can hear them.

5. Women will always ask questions that have no right answer, in an effort to trap you into feeling guilty.

6. Women love to talk. Silence intimidates them and they feel a need to fill it, even if they have nothing to say.

7. Women need to feel like there are people worse off than they are. That’s why soap operas and Oprah Winfrey-type shows are so successful.

9. Women hate bugs. Even the strong-willed ones need a man around when
there’s a spider or a wasp involved.

10. Women can’t keep secrets. They eat away at them from the inside. And they don’t view it as being untrustworthy, providing they only tell two or three people.

11. Women always go to public restrooms in groups. It gives them a chance to gossip.

12. Women can’t refuse to answer a ringing phone, no matter what she’s doing. It might be the lottery calling.

13. Women never understand why men love toys. Men understand that they wouldn’t need toys if women had an “on/off” switch.

14. Women think all beer is the same.

15. Women keep three different shampoos and two different conditioners in the shower.

16. After a woman showers, the bathroom will smell like a tropical rain forest.

17. Women don’t understand the appeal of sports. Men seek entertainment that allows them to escape reality. Women seek entertainment that reminds them of how horrible things *could* be.

18. If a man goes on a seven-day trip, he’ll pack five days worth of clothes and will wear some things twice; if a woman goes on a seven-day trip she’ll pack 21 outfits because she doesn’t know what she’ll feel like wearing each day.

19. Women brush their hair *before* bed.

21. Women are paid less than men, except for Modeling.

22. Women are *never* wrong. Apologizing is the mans responsibility, “It’s there in the bible”. hmmm who was it that gave Adam the apple?

23. Women do *not* know anything about cars. “Oil-stick, oil doesn’t stick?”

24. Women have better rest rooms. They get the nice chairs and red carpet.

25. The average number of items in a typical woman’s bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

26. Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren’t looking, men kick cats.

27. Women love to talk on the phone. A woman can visit her girlfriend for two weeks, and upon returning home, she will callthe same friend and they will talk for three hours.

28. A woman will dress up to go shopping, to water the plants, to empty the garbage, to answer the phone, to read a book, or to get the mail.

30. Women will drive miles out of their way to avoid the possibility of getting lost using a shortcut.

31. Women do NOT want an honest answer to the question, ‘How do I look?’

32. PMS stands for: Permissible Man-Slaughter. (Or at least men think it means that. PMS also stands for Punish My Spouse.)

33. The first naked man that woman see is “Ken”.

36. Women will make three right-hand turns to avoid making one left-hand turn.

37. “Oh, nothing,” has an entirely different meaning in woman-language than it does in man-language.

38. Lewis Carroll’s Caterpillar had nothing on women.

39. Women cannot use a map without turning the map to correspond to the direction that they are heading.

40a All women are overweight by definition, don’t argue with them about it.

40b All women are overweight by definition, don’t agree with them about it.

41. If it is not Valentines day, and you see a man in a flower shop, you can probably start up a conversation by asking, “What did you do?”

42. Women want equal rights, but you rarely hear them clamoring to be let into the draft to cover the responsibilities that go with those rights.

43. Only women understand the reason for “guest towels” and the “good china”.

46. Women can get out of speeding tickets by pouting. This will get men arrested.

47. Women don’t really care about a sense of humor in a guy despite claims to the contrary. You don’t see women trampling over Tom Cruise to get to Gilbert Gottfried do you?

Always remember these five important rules when asking a man to do something:

1. Make sure the man is conscious.
1a. Then give him a Blow Job
2. Crash the hard drive on his computer and line the bird cage with the
sports section.
3. Be brief! Limit your nagging harangue to two, three, or four hours, max.

3b. Then … give him a Blow Job
4. Reward him for cooperative behavior. A blow job will usually do just fine.
Or, offer to cook him something that doesn’t have a peel-back cover.
5. Punish him when he refuses to cooperate. Microwave his remote on high
power for 55 minutes. Rotate 1/4 turn, and microwave again for another 35
minutes. Or, threaten to not give him a blow job.
6. Use would you or will you instead of you’d better or do as I say and no
one will get hurt.
7. When all else fails … Blow Job.
OK, seven rules.

Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him, but was moved by Arthur’s youthful happiness. So he offered him freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer; if, after a year, he still had no answer, he would be killed.

The Question: What do women really want?

Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and, to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query.

Well, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch’s proposition to have an answer by year’s end. He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everybody: the princess, the prostitutes, the priests, the wise men, the court jester. In all, he spoke with everyone but no one could give him a satisfactory answer. What most people did tell him was to consult the old witch, as only she would know the answer. The price would be high, since the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.

The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no alternative but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer his question, but he’d have to accept her price first: The old witch wanted to marry Gawain, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur’s closest friend! Young Arthur as horrified: she was hunchbacked and awfully hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage water and often made obscene noises. He had never run across such a repugnant creature. He refused to force his friend to marry her and have to endure such a burden.

Gawain, upon learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur. He told him that nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur’s life and the preservation of the Round Table.

Hence, their wedding was proclaimed, and the witch answered Arthur’s question:

What a woman really wants is to be able to be in charge of her own life.

Everyone instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur’s life would be spared. And so it went. The neighboring monarch spared Arthur’s life and granted him total freedom.

What a wedding Gawain and the witch had! Arthur was torn between relief and anguish.

Gawain was proper as always, gentle and courteous. The old witch put her worst manners on display. She ate with her hands, belched and farted, and made everyone uncomfortable. The wedding night approached.

Gawain, steeling himself for a horrific night, entered the bedroom. What a sight awaited! The most beautiful woman he had ever seen lay before him! Gawain was astounded and asked what had happened.

The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her (when she’d been a witch), half the time she would be her horrible, deformed self, and the other half, she would be her beautiful maiden self. Which would he want her to be during the day and which during the night?

What a cruel question! Gawain began to think of his predicament:

During the day a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his home, an old spooky witch? Or would he prefer having by day a hideous witch, but by night a beautiful woman to enjoy many intimate moments?

What would you do?

What Gawain chose follows below, but don’t read until you’ve made your own choice.

………………….

…………………

………………..

Noble Gawain replied that he would let her choose for herself!

Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time, because he had respected her and had let her be in charge of her own life.

Isn’t that beautiful?

But really now, what is the moral of this story?

If you don’t respect women, things are gonna get ugly!

Any fake phone number a girl gave you would automatically forward your call
to her real number.

Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed an acceptable response to
“I love you.”

Hallmark would make “Sorry, what was your name again?” cards.

When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she’d
appear in a little box in the corner of the screen
during a time-out.

Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack to the ass and a “Nice hustle,
you’ll get ’em next time” would pretty much do it.

Birth control would come in ale or lager.

You’d be expected to fill your resume with gag names of people you’d worked
for, like “Heywood J’Blowme.”

Each year, your raise would be pegged to the fortunes of the NFL team of
your choice.

The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO.

“Sorry I’m late, but I got really wasted last night” would be an acceptable
excuse for tardiness.

At the end of the workday, a whistle would blow and you’d jump out
your window and slide down the tail of a brontosaurus and right into your
car like Fred Flintstone.

It’d be considered harmless fun to gather 30 friends, put on horned helmets,
and go pillage a nearby town.

Lifeguards could remove citizens from beaches for violating the “public
ugliness” ordinance.

Tanks would be far easier to rent.

Garbage would take itself out.

Instead of beer belly, you’d get “beer biceps.”

Instead of an expensive engagement ring, you could present your wife-to-be
with a giant foam hand that said, “You’re #1!”

Valentine’s Day would be moved to February 29th so it would only
occur in leap years.

On Groundhog Day, if you saw your shadow, you’d get the day off to
go drinking. Mother’s Day, too. St. Patrick’s Day, however, would
remain exactly the same. But it would be celebrated every month.

COPS would be broadcast live, and you could phone in advice to the
pursuing cops.

Two words: Ally McNaked.

Regis and Kathie Lee would be chained to a cement mixer and pushed
off the Golden Gate Bridge for the most lucrative pay-per-view event
in world history.

The victors in any athletic competition would get to kill and eat
the losers.

The only show opposite Monday Night Football would be Monday Night
Football from a Different Camera Angle.

It would be perfectly legal to steal a sports car, as
long as you returned it the following day with a full tank of gas.

Every man would get four real Get Out of Jail Free cards per year.

When a cop gave you a ticket, every smart-aleck answer you responded
with would actually reduce your fine. As in:
Cop: “You know how fast you were going?”
You: “All I know is, I was spilling my beer all over the place.”
Cop: “Nice one. That’s $10 off.”

Faucets would run “Hot,” “Cold,” and “100 proof.”

The Statue of Liberty would get a bright red, 40-foot thong.

People would never talk about how fresh they felt.

Daisy Duke shorts would never again go out of style.

Telephones would automatically cut off after 30 seconds of conversation.