Category: gender

What is the difference between movie theatre refreshments and movies at a police stag party?

One is pop corn, the other is cop porn.

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis

A woman needs only 4 things in life. A mink on her back. A Jaguar in her
garage. A tiger in her bed. And a jackass to pay for it all.

Scientists have determined that the average time of intercourse lasts 4 minutes. The average number of strokes is 9 per minute, making the average intercourse 36 strokes long. Since the average length of a penis is about 6 inches, the average girl receives 216 inches of penis or 18 feet of penis per intercourse.If the average girl does it 3 times a week, (that makes 156 times annually) 156 x 18 feet of penis makes 2808 feet, or just over a half mile of penis per year.If a girl starts having sex at 16, and since the average life span of a woman is 75, you could say that you could be getting 2808 feet of penis x 59 years of sex makes 165,672 feet, or 55,224 yards, or a little over 31 miles of penis in your lifetime.Anyone whose getting more than that, well, yer just a big ol slut.

How do you know when you’ve satisfied a redhead?She unties you.

Rule # 1 – Anything we said six or eight months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after seven days.

Rule # 2 – If you don’t want to dress like Victoria’s Secret girls, don’t expect us to act like soap opera guys.

Rule # 3 – If we say something that can be interpreted in two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other way.

Rule # 4 – It is in neither your best interest or ours to make us take those stupid Cosmo quizzes together.

Rule # 5 – Let us ogle. If we don’t look at other women how can we know how pretty you are?

Rule # 6 – Don’t rub the lamp if you don’t want the genie to come out.

Rule # 7 – You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done – not both.

Rule # 8 – Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

Rule # 9 – Christopher Columbus didn’t need directions and neither do we.

Rule # 10 – Women who wear Wonder bras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at.

Rule # 11 – When we’re turning the wheel and the car is nosing onto the off ramp, you saying “This is our exit” is not necessary.

Rule # 12 – Don’t fake it. We’d rather be ineffective than deceived.

Q: whats the difference between a fag and a fridge?

A: when you pull the meat out of the fridge it dont fart!!

Two men were having an awfully slow round of golf because the two ladies in front of them managed to get into every sand trap, lake, and rough on the course. They didn’t bother to wave the men on through (which is proper golf etiquette).

After two hours of waiting and waiting, one man said, “I think I’ll walk up there and ask those gals to let us play through.”

He walked out the fairway, got halfway to the ladies, stopped, turned around, and came back, explaining, “I can’t do it. One of those women is my wife and the other is my mistress. Maybe you’d better go talk to them.”

The second man walked toward the ladies, got halfway there and, just as his partner had done, stopped, turned around and walked back. He smiled sheepishly and said, “Small world.”

if i had a dog as ugly as you i would shave its butt and tell it to walk backwards

Why do women have arms?

Have you any idea how long it would take to LICK a bathroom clean?

1. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.

2. Movie nudity is virtually always female.

3. You know stuff about tanks.

4. A five day vacation requires only one suitcase.

5. Monday Night Football.

6. You don’t have to monitor your friends’ sex lives.

7. Your bathroom lines are 80% shorter.

8. You can open all your own jars.

9. Friends don’t give you crap if you’ve lost or gained weight.

10. Dry cleaners and haircutters don’t rob you blind.

11. When clicking through the channel, you don’t have to stop on every shot of someone crying.

12. Your ass is never a factor in a job interview.

13. All your orgasms are real.

14. A beer gut does not make you invisible to the opposite sex.

15. Guys in hockey masks don’t attack you.

16. You don’t have to lug a bag of useful stuff around everywhere you go.

17. You understand why ‘Stripes’ is funny.

18. You can go to the bathroom without a support group.

19. Your last name stays put.

20. You can leave a hotel bed unmade.

21. When your work is criticized, you don’t panic that everyone secretly hates you.

22. You can kill your own food.

23. The garage is all yours.

24. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

25. You see the humor in “Terms of Endearment”.

26. Nobody secretly wonders if you swallow.

27. You never have to clean the toilet.

28. You can be showered and ready in 10 minutes.

29. Sex means never worrying about your reputation.

30. Wedding plans take care of themselves.

31. If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend. 32. Your underwear is $10 for a three pack.

33. The National College Cheerleading Championship.

34. None of your co-workers have the power to make you cry.

35. You don’t have to shave below your neck.

36. You don’t have to curl up next to a hairy ass every night.

37. You can be 34 and single, and nobody notices.

38. You can write your name in the snow.

39. You can get into a nontrivial pissing contest.

40. Everything on your face stays its original color.

41. Chocolate is just another snack.

42. You can be president.

43. You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger seat.

44. Flowers fix everything.

45. You never have to worry about other peoples’ feelings.

46. You get to think about sex 90% of your waking hours.

47. You can wear a white shirt to a water park.

48. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.

49. You can eat a banana in a hardware store.

50. You can say anything and not worry about what people think.

51. Foreplay is optional.

52. Michael Bolton doesn’t live in your universe.

53. Nobody stops telling a good dirty joke when you walk into the room.

54. You can whip your shirt off on a hot day.

55. You don’t have to clean your apartment if the meter reader is coming by.

56. You never feel compelled to stop a pal from getting laid.

57. Car mechanics tell you the truth.

58. You don’t give a rat’s ass if someone notices your new haircut or not.

59. You can watch a game in silence with your buddy for hours without even thinking, “He must be mad at me.”

60. The world is your urinal.

61. You never misconstrue innocuous statements to mean your lover is about to leave you.

62. You get to jump up and slap stuff.

63. Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.

64. One mood, all the time.

65. You can admire Clint Eastwood without starving yourself to look like him.

66. You never have to drive to another gas station because this one’s just too scuzzy. 67. You know at least 20 ways to open a beer bottle.

68. You can sit with your knees apart no matter what you’re wearing.

69. Same work….more pay.

70. Gray hair and wrinkles add desirability to your appearance.

71. You don’t have to leave the room to make an emergency crotch adjustment.

72. Wedding dress $2000; tux rental $100.

73. You don’t care if someone is talking about you behind your back.

74. With 400 million spermatozoa per shot, you could double the Earth’s population in 15 tries, at least in theory.

75. You don’t mooch off others’ desserts.

76. If you retain water, it’s in a canteen.

77. The remote is yours and yours alone.

78. Nobody looks at your chest when you’re talking to them.

79. ESPN’s sports center.

80. You can drop by to see a friend without bringing a little gift.

81. Bachelor parties whoop ass over bridal showers.

82. You can have a normal and healthy relationship with your mother.

83. You can buy condoms without the shopkeeper imagining you naked.

84. You don’t need to pretend you’re “freshening up” to go to the bathroom.

85. If you don’t call your buddy when you say you will, he won’t tell your friends you’ve changed.

86. Someday you’ll be a dirty old man.

87. You can rationalize any behavior with the handy phrase, “f*#k it, just f*#k it!”

88. If another guy shows up at a party wearing the same outfit, you might become lifelong buddies.

89. You never have to read the instruction manual.

90. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.

91. You never have to miss a sexual opportunity because you’re not in the mood.

92. You think the idea of punting a small dog is funny.

93. If something mechanical doesn’t work, you can bash it with a hammer and throw it across the room.

94. New shoes don’t cut, blister, or mangle your feet.

95. Porn movies are designed with your mind in mind.

96. You don’t have to remember everyone’s birthdays and anniversaries.

97. Not liking a person does not preclude having great sex with them.

98. Your buddies can be trusted never to trap you with: “So…notice anything different about me?”

99. Baywatch

100. There is always a game on somewhere.

Two ladies are in a bar and the first lady says, “Why are men the same as parking lots”.

So the second lady says “I don’t know?�

So the first lady says, ” all the good ones are taken and the ones that are left are handicap!”

What is the only time a man thinks about a candlelight dinner?

When the power goes off.

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Yisman