Category: gender

A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street.
“But officer,” the man said, “I can explain.”

“Just be quiet!!!” snapped the officer. “…or I’m going to let you cool off in jail until the chief gets back.”

“But officer, I just wanted to say….”

“And I said KEEP QUIET! You’re going to jail!” A few hours later, the officer checked up on his prisoner and said, “Lucky for you that the chief’s at his daughter’s wedding. He’ll be in a good mood when he gets back.”

“Don’t count on it,” said the man in the cell. “I’m the groom!”

A bum asks a man for $2. The man asked, “Will you buy booze?” The bum said, “No.” The man asked, “Will you gamble it away?” The bum said, “No.” Then the man asked, “Will you come home with me so my wife can see what happens to a man who doesn’t drink or gamble?”

Patient: Doctor, Doctor I’ve got a terrible rash on my cock! What will I do??

Doc: Here, take this medicine and see me in the morning. (man takes medicine)

Patient: Doctor, it didn’t work!

Doc: Here try this cream and come back in the morning. (uses cream)

Patient: Doctor, it didn’t work, what will I do?

Doc: Here use this magic remover and see me in the morning. (uses remover)

Patient: Doctor! It worked! What the hell was it?

Doc: Lip stick remover!

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis

A few months ago, there was an opening with the CIA for an assassin. These highly classified positions are hard to fill, and there’s a lot of testing and background checks involved before you can even be considered for the position. After sending some applicants through the background checks, training and testing, they narrowed the possible choices down to two men and a woman, but only one position was available.The day came for the final test to see which person would get the extremely secretive job. The CIA men administering the test took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.”We must know that you will follow our instructions whatever the circumstances,” they explained.”Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her.”The man looked horrified and said, “You can’t be serious! I could never shoot my wife!” “Well,” said the CIA man, “you’re definitely not the right man for this job then.”So they brought the second man to the same door and handed him a gun.”We must know that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances,” they explained to the second man.”Inside you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her.”The second man looked a bit shocked, but nevertheless took the gun and went in the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes; then the door opened. The man came out of the room with tears in his eyes.”I tried to shoot her; I just couldn’t pull the trigger and shoot my wife. I guess I’m not the right man for the job.””No,” the CIA man replied, “You don’t have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.”Now they only had the woman left to test. They led her to the same door to the same room and handed her the same gun.”We must be sure that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances;this is your final test. Inside you will find your husband sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill him.”The woman took the gun and opened the door. Before the door even closed all the way, the CIA men heard the gun start firing, one shot after another for 13 shots. Then all hell broke loose in the room. They heard screaming, crashing,and banging on the walls. This went on for several minutes; then all went quiet. The door opened slowly, and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, “You guys didn’t tell me the gun was loaded with blanks. I had to beat the son of a bitch to death with the chair!”

Five reasons to believe computers are female:

1. No one but the Creator understands their internal logic.

2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.

3. The message “Bad command or file name” is about as informative as, “If you don’t know why I’m mad at you, then I’m certainly not going to tell you.”

4. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.

5. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

Here’s a chance for you men to find out how compassionate and sensitive you are to women. Do something she likes and you get points. Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted. You don’t get any points for doing something she expects. Sorry, that’s the way the game is played.

Simple Duties

You make the bed. (+1)
You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows. (0)
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets. (-1)
You leave the toilet seat up. (-5)
You replace the toilet-paper roll when it’s empty. (0)
When the toilet-paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex. (-1)
When the Kleenex runs out you shuffle slowly to the next bathroom. (-2)
You go out to buy her spring-fresh extra-light panty liners with wings. (+5)
But return with beer. (-5)
You check out a suspicious noise at night. (0)
You check out a suspicious noise and it’s nothing. (0)
You check out a suspicious noise and it’s something. (+5)
You pummel it with a six iron. (+10)
It’s her father. (-10)

Social Engagements

You stay by her side the entire party. (0)
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college drinking buddy. (-2)
Named Tiffany. (-4)
Tiffany is a dancer. (-6)
Tiffany has implants. (-8)

Her Birthday

You take her out to dinner. (0)
You take her out to dinner and it’s not a sports bar. (+1)
It is a sports bar. (-2)
And it’s all-you-can-eat night. (-3)
It’s a sports bar, it’s all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colors of your favorite team. (-10)

A Night Out With The Boys

And the pal is happily married. (-4)
Or frighteningly single. (-7)
And he drives a Mustang. (-10)
With a personalized license plate (GR8 N BED). (-15)

A Night Out

You take her to a movie. (+2)
You take her to a movie she likes. (+4)
You take her to a movie you hate. (+6)
You take her to a movie you like. (-2)
It’s called Death Cop 3. (-3)
Which features cyborgs having sex. (-9)
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans. (-15)

Your Physique

You develop a noticeable potbelly. (-15)
You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it. (+10)
You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to loose jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts. (-30)
You say “I don’t give a damn because you have one too.” (-800)

The Big Question

She asks, “Do I look fat?”. (-5)
You hesitate in responding. (-10)
You reply, “Where?” (-35)

Communication

When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression. (0)
When she wants to talk, you listen, for over 30 minutes. (+5)
You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV. (+10)
She realizes this is because you’ve fallen asleep. (-20)

Scoring

Start with 50 points and add your score to it. If you ended up with +15 then your score would be 65 for the 65th percentile. If you got -15 then your score would be 35 for the 35th percentile.

Why does a woman close her eyes when she’s having sex?

Because no woman ever wants to see a man enjoying himself!

How does an older woman keep her youth?

By giving him money!

Yes = No

No = Yes

Maybe = No

I’m sorry = You’ll be sorry

We need = I want

It’s your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now

Do what you want = You’ll pay for this later

We need to talk = I need to complain

Sure go ahead = I don’t want you to

I’m not upset = Of course I’m upset, you moron!

You’re so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot

You’re certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?

Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs

This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house

I want new curtains = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper

Hang the picture there = NO, I mean hang it there!

I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep

Do you love me? = I’m going to ask for something expensive

How much do you love me? = I did something today you’re really not going to like

I’ll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV

Is my butt fat? = Tell me I’m beautiful

You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me

Are you listening to me!? = Too late, you’re dead

Was that the baby? = Why don’t you get out of bed and walk him until he goes to sleep

I’m not yelling! = Yes I am yelling because I think this is important

The same old thing = Nothing Nothing = Everything Everything = My PMS is acting up

Nothing, really = It’s just that you’re such an asshole

A golfer walks into the clubhouse of the local country club. He tells the golf pro behind the counter that he wants to do 18 and he is going to need a caddy.

The golf pro informs him that the country club is running a promotion and if he tries out one of their experimental robot caddies, he can golf for free.

The golfer agrees and takes out the robot. While on the golf course the robot caddy tells the golfer the wind speed, distance, even how hard to hit which club. He has the best game of his life.

The next time the golfer goes to the country club, he tells the golf pro that he wants to do 18 holes and that he wants to get one of the robot caddies.

He informs the golfer that they don’t have the robot caddies anymore.

The golfer, all upset, tells him how great they were and asks him what happened.

The golf pro tells him that members were complaining that the sun would reflect of their metallic material and into their eyes.

The golfer asks him why they didn’t just paint the robots black?

The golf pro said that they did, but the next day, 3 of them didn’t show up and the other 3 robbed the pro shop.

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by calamjo

A man comes across a genies bottle on the beach and rubs it. A genie appears to grant the man 3 wishes. First the man asks for a million dollars. The genie grants his wish. The the man says that he has always wanted to be as smart as a rocket scientist and the genie grants his wish.
The man thinks long and hard about his third wish and then say,” I have always wanted to go to Hawaii, but I am afraid to fly and I am afraid of sailing. Could you build a bridge from here to Hawaii?”

The genie looks at the man, ” Are you crazy? Do you know how much material and time that will take?”

The man thinks again and says, ” Then my last wish is to understand how women think.”

“Would you like that bridge two lane or four?”

What’s the difference between a man and E.T.?

E.T. phoned home.