Category: gender

A woman walked out of a coffee shop just in time to see a very strange sight.
Moving slowly down the street was a funeral procession which consisted of a hearse followed by another hearse, followed by a woman walking a dog,followed by 200 women in a long line.

The procession was moving slowly and her curiosity got the best of her.So she walked up to the woman with the dog.

I hope you don’t mind me asking, who is in the first hearse?

That’s my husband. He was attacked by our dog and killed.

Well, who is in the second hearse?

That’s my mother in law. She tried to save him and was killed by the dog too.

Is this the dog, she asked?

“Yes” said the widow.

The first woman thought about it for a minute and then asked. “Can I borrow your dog?”

Sure, said the widow,”get in the line”.

Q. How are clams like women?
A. When the red tide comes you don’t eat them.

Element Name: WOMAN Symbol: WO Atomic Weight: (don’t even go there!) Physical properties: Generally round in form. Boils at nothing and may freeze any time. Melts whenever treated properly. Very bitter if not used well. Chemical properties: Very active. Highly unstable. Possesses strong affinity to gold, silver, platinum, and precious stones. Violent when left alone. Able to absorb great amounts of exotic food. Turns slightly green when placed next to a better specimen. Usage: Highly ornamental. An extremely good catalyst for dispersion of wealth.Probably the most powerful income reducing agent known. Caution: Highly explosive in inexperienced hands.

“Boss, I’ve got to have a raise,” the salesman said to his sales manager. “There are three other companies after me.”

“Is that a fact?” the manager asked. “What other companies are after you?”

“The electric company, the phone company, and the gas company.”

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Tantilazing

Two guys were picked up by the cops for smoking dope and appeared in court before the judge.

The judge said, “You seem like nice young men, and I’d like to give you a second chance rather than jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use and pursuade them to give up drugs forever. I’ll see you back in court Monday.”

Monday, the two guys were in court, and the judge said to the first one, “How did you do over the weekend?”

“Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever.” “17 people? That’s wonderful. What did you tell them?”

“I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this: O o
and told them this (the big circle) is your brain before drugs and this (small circle) is your brain after drugs.”

“That’s admirable,” said the judge. “And you, how did you do?” (to the 2nd guy)

“Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever.”

“156 people! That’s amazing! How did you manage to do that!”

“Well, I used the same two circles. I pointed to the small circle and told them, ‘This is your asshole before prison….”

How can you tell if a man you’re dating is lazy?

He throws his kisses.

Women:
1. Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 since the last oil change.

2. Drink a cup of coffee.

3. 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.

Money Spent: $20.00 Oil Change $1.00 Coffee —————- $21.00 Total

Men:

1. Go to auto parts store and write a check for $50 dollars for oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and scented tree.

2. Discover that the used oil container is full. Instead of taking it back to recycle, dump in hole in back yard.

3. Open a beer and drink it.

4. Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.

5. Find jack stands under kid’s pedal car.

6. In frustration, open another beer and drink it.

7. Place drain pan under engine.

8. Look for 9/16 box end wrench.

9. Give up and use crescent wrench.

10. Unscrew drain plug.

11. Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil; get hot oil on you in process.

12. Clean up.

13. Have another beer while oil is draining.

14. Look for oil filter wrench.

15. Give up; poke oil filter with screwdriver and twist it off.

16. Beer.

17. Buddy shows up; finish case with him. Finish oil change tomorrow.

18. Next day, drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car.

19. Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.

20. Beer. No, drank it all yesterday.

21. Walk to 7-11; buy beer.

22. Install new oil filter making sure to apply thin coat of clean oil to gasket first.

23. Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.

24. Remember drain plug from step 11.

25. Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.

26. Hurry to replace drain plug before the whole quart of fresh oil drains onto floor.

27. Slip with wrench and bang knuckles on frame.

28. Bang head on floor board in reaction.

29. Begin cussing fit.

30. Throw wrench.

31. Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit Miss December (1992) in the left breast.

32. Clean up. Apply Band-Aid to knuckle.

33. Beer.

34. Beer.

35. Dump in additional 4 quarts of oil.

36. Beer.

37. Lower car from jack stands

38. Accidentally crush one of the jack stands

39. Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during step 23.

40. Test drive car

41. Get pulled over; arrested for driving under the influence.

42. Car gets impounded.

43. Make bail. Get car from impound yard.

Money Spent: $50 parts $12 beer $75 replacement set of jack stands; hey the colors have to match! $1000 Bail $200 Impound and towing fee ————————— $1337 Total

There’s a woman in a supermarket. She gets the basic things
like milk, eggs, and bread. She goes up to the counter and
there’s a drunk guy standing there. She puts the stuff on the
counter and the guy says, “Ma’am, you must be single.”

Puzzled, the woman replies with, “How could you tell that by
what I put on the counter?”

The drunk guy says, “Cause you’re uglier than shit.”

The Game Warden stopped a deer hunter and asked to see his hunting license.

“This is last year’s license,” the warden informed him.

“I know,” said the hunter, “but I shouldn’t need a new license, I am only shooting at the deer I missed last year.”

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Tantilazing

If you kiss her, you are not a gentleman.
If you don’t, you are not a man.

If you praise her, she thinks you are lying.
If you don’t, you are good for nothing.

If you agree to all her likes, she is abused.
If you don’t, you are not understanding.

If you make romance, you are an ‘experienced man’.
If you don’t, you are half a man.

If you visit her too often, she thinks it is boring.
If you don’t, she accuses you of double crossing.

If you are well-dressed, she says you are a playboy.
If you aren’t, you are a dull boy.

If you are jealous, she says it’s bad.
If you aren’t, she thinks you do not love her.

If you attempt a romance, she says you didn’t respect her.
If you don’t, she thinks you do not like her.

If you are a minute late, she complains it is hard to wait.
If she is late, she says that’s a girl’s way.

If you visit another, she accuses you of being a heel.
If she is visited by another, ‘oh it’s natural, we are girls’.

If you kiss her once in a while, she professes you are cold.
If you kiss her too many, she yells that you are taking advantage.

If you fail to help her in crossing the street, you lack ethics.
If you do, she thinks it’s just one of the man’s tactics.

If you stare at others, she accuses you of flirting.
If she is stared by others, she says that they are just admiring.

If you talk, she wants you to listen.
If you listen, she wants you to talk.

Q:Why do men stand in front of the mirror naked?

A:Because objects appear larger than they really are.

The only thing that the IRS has not yet taxed is the male penis. This is due to the fact that 40% of the time it is hanging around unemlpoyed, 30% of the time it is hard up, 20% of the time it is pissed off and 10% of the time it is in the hole. On top of that, it has two dependents and they are both nuts.

Effective January 1st, 2004 your penis will be taxed according to size. The brackets are as follows:

10″- 12″ Luxury Tax……….$30.00
8″- 10″ Pole Tax………….$25.00
5″- 8″ Privilege Tax………$15.00
4″- 5″ Nuisance Tax……….$3.00

Males exceeding 12″ must file under capital gains. Anyone under 4″ is eligible for a refund. PLEASE DO NOT ASK FOR AN EXTENSION!!!

Sincerely, Pecker Checker IRS

*****NOTE*****

We are still waiting for answers for the following questions:

– Are there penalties for early withdrawals? – What if one’s penis is self employed? – Do multiple partners count as a corporation? – Are condoms a deductible expense as work clothes? – Is there an additional tax if you are not circumcised?

Submitted by Calamjo
Eedited by Curtis