Category: gender

Q. How can you tell if a woman’s cooking is really lousy?
A. Natives from the Amazon come to dip their arrows in it.

Q. What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?
A. Slow down. And possibly use a lubricant.

1. Introduction to Common Household Objects I: The Mop

2. Introduction to Common Household Objects II: The Sponge

3. Dressing Up: Beyond the Funeral and the Wedding

4. Refrigerator Forensics: Identifying and Removing the Dead

5. Design Pattern or Splatter Stain on the Linoleum?: You CAN
Tell the Difference!

6. If It’s Empty, You Can Throw It Away: Accepting Loss I

7. If the Milk Expired Three Weeks Ago, Keeping It In the
Refrigerator Won’t Bring It Back: Accepting Loss II

8. Going to the Supermarket: It’s Not Just for Women Anymore!

9. Recycling Skills I: Boxes that the Electronics Came In

10. Recycling Skills II: Styrofoam that Came in the Boxes that
the Electronics Came In

11. Bathroom Etiquette I: How to Remove Beard Clippings from the
Sink

12. Bathroom Etiquette II: Let’s Wash Those Towels!

13. Bathroom Etiquette III: Five Easy Ways to Tell When You’re
About to Run Out of Toilet Paper!

14. Giving Back to the Community: How to Donate 15-Year-Old
Levis to the Goodwill

15. Retro? Or Just Hideous?: Re-examining Your 1970s Polyester
Shirts

16. No, The Dishes Won’t Wash Themselves: Knowing the 4
Limitations of Your Kitchenware

17. Romance: More Than a Cable Channel!

18. Strange But True!: She Really May NOT Care What “Fourth Down
and Ten” Means

19. Going Out to Dinner: Beyond the Pizza Hut

20. Expand Your Entertainment Options: Renting Movies That Don’t
Fall Under the “Action/Adventure” Category or Selecting movies
that don’t star John Wayne on television

21. Yours, Mine, and Ours: Sharing the Remote

22. “I Could Have Played a Better Game Than That!”: Why Women
Laugh

23. Adventures in Housekeeping I: Let’s Clean the Closet

24. Adventures in Housekeeping II: Let’s Clean Under the Bed

25. “I Don’t Know”: Be the First Man to Say It!

26. The Gas Gauge in Your Car: Sometimes Empty MEANS Empty

27. Directions: It’s Okay to Ask for Them

28. Listening: It’s Not Just Something You Do During Halftime

29. Accepting Your Limitations: Just Because You Have Power
Tools Doesn’t Mean You Can Fix It

New Summer Seminars for WomenThe Auto Hood Release, What Is It And Why Is It There Life Beyond Shoes

The 5 questions most feared by men are:
1…What are you thinking about?
2…Do you love me?
3…Do I look fat?
4…Do you think she is prettier than me?
5…What would you do if I died?

What makes these questions so difficult is that every one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument if the man answers incorrectly(i.e., tells the truth).

As a public service, each question is analyzed below, along with possible Responses.

Question # 1: What are you thinking about?

The proper answer to this, of course, is: “I’m sorry if I’ve been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, thoughtful, caring, intelligent woman you are, and how lucky I am to have met you.”
This response obviously bears no resemblance to the true answer,which most likely is one of the following:
a…Baseball.
b…Football.
c…How fat you are.
d…How much prettier she is than you.
e…How I would spend the insurance money if you died.

Perhaps the best response to this question was offered by Al Bundy, who once told Peg, “If I wanted you to know what I was thinking, I would be talking to you!”

Question # 2: Do you love me?

The proper response is: “YES!” or, if you feel a more detailed answer is in order, “Yes, dear.” Inappropriate responses include:
a…Oh Yeah, crap loads.
b…Would it make you feel better if I said yes?
c…That depends on what you mean by love.
d…Does it matter?
e…Who, me?

Question # 3: Do I look fat?

The correct answer is an emphatic: “Of course not!”
Among the incorrect answers are:
a…Compared to what?
b…I wouldn’t call you fat, but you’re not exactly thin.
c…A little extra weight looks good on you.
d…I’ve seen fatter.
e…Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.

Question # 4: Do you think she’s prettier than me?

Once again, the proper response is an emphatic: “Of course not!”
Incorrect responses include:

a…Yes, but you have a better personality.
b…Not prettier, but definitely thinner.
c…Not as pretty as you when you were her age.
d…Define pretty.
e…Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.

Question # 5: What would you do if I died?

A definite no-win question.(The real answer, of course, is “Buy a Corvette and a Boat”).
WARNING: No matter how you answer this, be prepared for at least an hour of follow-up questions, usually along the these lines:

WOMAN: Would you get married again?
MAN: Definitely not!
WOMAN: Why not-don’t you like being married?
MAN: Of course I do.
WOMAN: Then why wouldn’t you remarry?
MAN: Okay, I’d get married again.
WOMAN: You would? (with a hurtful look on her face)
WOMAN: Would you sleep with her in our bed?
MAN: Where else would we sleep?
WOMAN: Would you put away my pictures, and replace them with pictures of her?
MAN: That would seem like the proper thing to do.
WOMAN: And would you let her use my golf clubs?
MAN: She can’t use them; she’s left-handed
WOMAN: – – – silence – – –
MAN: Oh ( expletive deleted).

At a dinner party, several of the guests were arguing whether men or women were more trustworthy. “No woman,” said one man, scornfully, “can keep a secret.”

“I don’t know about that,” huffily answered a woman guest. “I have kept my age a secret since I was twenty-one.”

“You’ll let it out some day,” the man insisted.

“I hardly think so!” responded the lady. “When a woman has kept a secret
for twenty-seven years, she can keep it forever.”

Submitted by Tantilazing
Edited by Yisman

1. What is the thinnest book in the world?

What Men Know About Women.

2. How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?

One. . . . . men will screw anything.

3. How does a man take a bubble bath?

He eats beans for dinner.

4. Why do women rub their eyes when they wake up in the morning?

Because they don’t have balls to scratch.

5. What is a man’s idea of foreplay?

A half hour of begging.

6. How can you tell if a man is sexually excited?

He’s breathing.

7. What is the difference between men and government bonds?

Bonds mature.

8. What do men and beer bottles have in common?

They are both empty from the the neck up.

9. How can you tell if a man is happy?

Who cares?

10. How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?

No one knows . . . . . . It’s never been done.

11. How are men and parking spaces alike?

The good ones are already taken and the ones left are handicapped.

12. What is a man’s idea of helping you with housework?

Lifting his legs so you can vacuum.

13. What is the difference between men and E.T.?

E.T. called home.

14. What does a man consider a seven course meal?

A hot dog and a six-pack of beer.

15. Do you know why there’s a hole in a man’s penis?

So he can get air to his brain.

16. How do you save a man from drowning?

Take your foot off his head.

17. How is a man like linoleum?

If you lay him right the first time, you can walk all over him for the next twenty years.

What do you call a man who expects to have sex on the second date?

Slow.

What do you call a man with 99% of his brain missing?

Castrated.

A fresh-faced lad on the eve of his wedding night goes to his mother with the following question:
“Mom, why are wedding dresses white?”

The mother looks at her son and replies, “Son, this shows the town that your bride is pure.”

The son thanks his mom and goes off to double-check this with his father.
“Dad why are wedding dresses white?”

The father looks at his son in surprise and says…
“Son, all household appliances come in white!”

A man was walking along a California beach and stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie. The genie said,’OK. You released me from the lamp, blah, blah, blah. This is the fourth time this month and I’m getting a little sick of these wishes, so you can forget about three. You only get one wish.’The man sat and thought about it for a while and said, ‘I’ve always wanted to go to Hawaii but I’m scared to fly and I get very seasick. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to visit?’The genie laughed and said, ‘That’s impossible. Think of the logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete… how much steel! No, think of another wish.’The man said OK and tried to think of a really good wish. Finally, he said, ‘I’ve been married and divorced four times. My wives always said that I don’t care and that I’m insensitive. So, I wish that I could understand women… know how they feel inside and what they’re thinking when they give me the silent treatment… know why they’re crying, know what they really want when they say “nothing”… know how to make them truly happy. .’The genie said, ‘You want that bridge two lanes or four?’

Top 10 Rejection Lines Given By Men (and what they actually mean…

10. I think of you as a sister. (You’re ugly.)

9. There’s a slight difference in our ages. (You’re ugly.)

8. I’m not attracted to you in ‘that’ way. (You’re ugly.)

7. My life is too complicated right now. (You’re ugly.)

6. I’ve got a girlfriend. (You’re ugly.)

5. I don’t date women where I work. (You’re ugly.)

4. It’s not you, it’s me. (You’re ugly.)

3. I’m concentrating on my career. (You’re ugly.)

2. I’m celibate. (You’re ugly.)

and the number 1 rejection line given by men (and what it actually means)

1. Let’s be friends. (You’re sinfully ugly.)