Category: gender

Q. How can you tell if a woman’s cooking is really lousy?
A. Natives from the Amazon come to dip their arrows in it.

Q. What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?
A. Slow down. And possibly use a lubricant.

1. Introduction to Common Household Objects I: The Mop

2. Introduction to Common Household Objects II: The Sponge

3. Dressing Up: Beyond the Funeral and the Wedding

4. Refrigerator Forensics: Identifying and Removing the Dead

5. Design Pattern or Splatter Stain on the Linoleum?: You CAN
Tell the Difference!

6. If It’s Empty, You Can Throw It Away: Accepting Loss I

7. If the Milk Expired Three Weeks Ago, Keeping It In the
Refrigerator Won’t Bring It Back: Accepting Loss II

8. Going to the Supermarket: It’s Not Just for Women Anymore!

9. Recycling Skills I: Boxes that the Electronics Came In

10. Recycling Skills II: Styrofoam that Came in the Boxes that
the Electronics Came In

11. Bathroom Etiquette I: How to Remove Beard Clippings from the
Sink

12. Bathroom Etiquette II: Let’s Wash Those Towels!

13. Bathroom Etiquette III: Five Easy Ways to Tell When You’re
About to Run Out of Toilet Paper!

14. Giving Back to the Community: How to Donate 15-Year-Old
Levis to the Goodwill

15. Retro? Or Just Hideous?: Re-examining Your 1970s Polyester
Shirts

16. No, The Dishes Won’t Wash Themselves: Knowing the 4
Limitations of Your Kitchenware

17. Romance: More Than a Cable Channel!

18. Strange But True!: She Really May NOT Care What “Fourth Down
and Ten” Means

19. Going Out to Dinner: Beyond the Pizza Hut

20. Expand Your Entertainment Options: Renting Movies That Don’t
Fall Under the “Action/Adventure” Category or Selecting movies
that don’t star John Wayne on television

21. Yours, Mine, and Ours: Sharing the Remote

22. “I Could Have Played a Better Game Than That!”: Why Women
Laugh

23. Adventures in Housekeeping I: Let’s Clean the Closet

24. Adventures in Housekeeping II: Let’s Clean Under the Bed

25. “I Don’t Know”: Be the First Man to Say It!

26. The Gas Gauge in Your Car: Sometimes Empty MEANS Empty

27. Directions: It’s Okay to Ask for Them

28. Listening: It’s Not Just Something You Do During Halftime

29. Accepting Your Limitations: Just Because You Have Power
Tools Doesn’t Mean You Can Fix It

New Summer Seminars for WomenThe Auto Hood Release, What Is It And Why Is It There Life Beyond Shoes

The 5 questions most feared by men are:
1…What are you thinking about?
2…Do you love me?
3…Do I look fat?
4…Do you think she is prettier than me?
5…What would you do if I died?

What makes these questions so difficult is that every one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument if the man answers incorrectly(i.e., tells the truth).

As a public service, each question is analyzed below, along with possible Responses.

Question # 1: What are you thinking about?

The proper answer to this, of course, is: “I’m sorry if I’ve been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, thoughtful, caring, intelligent woman you are, and how lucky I am to have met you.”
This response obviously bears no resemblance to the true answer,which most likely is one of the following:
a…Baseball.
b…Football.
c…How fat you are.
d…How much prettier she is than you.
e…How I would spend the insurance money if you died.

Perhaps the best response to this question was offered by Al Bundy, who once told Peg, “If I wanted you to know what I was thinking, I would be talking to you!”

Question # 2: Do you love me?

The proper response is: “YES!” or, if you feel a more detailed answer is in order, “Yes, dear.” Inappropriate responses include:
a…Oh Yeah, crap loads.
b…Would it make you feel better if I said yes?
c…That depends on what you mean by love.
d…Does it matter?
e…Who, me?

Question # 3: Do I look fat?

The correct answer is an emphatic: “Of course not!”
Among the incorrect answers are:
a…Compared to what?
b…I wouldn’t call you fat, but you’re not exactly thin.
c…A little extra weight looks good on you.
d…I’ve seen fatter.
e…Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.

Question # 4: Do you think she’s prettier than me?

Once again, the proper response is an emphatic: “Of course not!”
Incorrect responses include:

a…Yes, but you have a better personality.
b…Not prettier, but definitely thinner.
c…Not as pretty as you when you were her age.
d…Define pretty.
e…Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.

Question # 5: What would you do if I died?

A definite no-win question.(The real answer, of course, is “Buy a Corvette and a Boat”).
WARNING: No matter how you answer this, be prepared for at least an hour of follow-up questions, usually along the these lines:

WOMAN: Would you get married again?
MAN: Definitely not!
WOMAN: Why not-don’t you like being married?
MAN: Of course I do.
WOMAN: Then why wouldn’t you remarry?
MAN: Okay, I’d get married again.
WOMAN: You would? (with a hurtful look on her face)
WOMAN: Would you sleep with her in our bed?
MAN: Where else would we sleep?
WOMAN: Would you put away my pictures, and replace them with pictures of her?
MAN: That would seem like the proper thing to do.
WOMAN: And would you let her use my golf clubs?
MAN: She can’t use them; she’s left-handed
WOMAN: – – – silence – – –
MAN: Oh ( expletive deleted).