Q.
Why do so many women fake orgasm?
A. Because so many men fake foreplay.
Category: gender
The Deaf Mute Golfer
A man was about to tee off on the golf course when he felt a tap on his shoulder and a man handed him a card that read, “I am a deaf mute. May I play through, please?”
The first man angrily gave the card back, and communicated, “No, he may not play through, and his handicap does not give him such a right.”
The first man whacked the ball onto the green and left to finish the hole.
Just as he was about to put the ball into the hole he was hit in the head with a golf ball, laying him out cold.
When he came to a few minutes later, he looked around and saw the deaf mute sternly looking at him, one hand on his hip, the other holding up 4 fingers.
Submitted by calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Appliances
Q. How do you turn a dish washer into a snowplow?
A. Give the bitch a shovel.
Q. What’s love?…
Q. What’s love?
A. The delusion that one woman is different from another.
Stages of Life
THE MALE STAGES OF LIFE
AGE DRINK
17 beer
25 vodka
35 scotch
48 double scotch
66 Mylanta
AGE SEDUCTION LINE
17 My parents are away for the weekend.
25 My girlfriend is away for the weekend.
35 My fiancee is away for the weekend.
48 My wife is away for the weekend.
66 My wife is dead.
AGE FAVORITE SPORT
17 sex
25 sex
35 sex
48 channel surfing
66 napping
AGE DEFINITION OF A SUCCESSFUL DATE
17 “tongue”
25 “breakfast”
35 “She didn’t set back my therapy.”
48 “I didn’t have to meet her kids.”
66 “Got home alive.”
AGE FAVOURITE FANTASY
17 a winning goal after the siren
25 sex in an aeroplane
35 menage a trois
48 taking over the company
66 Swiss maid/Nazi love slave
AGE WHAT’S THE IDEAL AGE TO GET MARRIED?
17 25
25 35
35 48
48 66
66 17
AGE IDEAL DATE
17 Triple Stephen King feature at a drive-in
25 “Split the cheque before we go back to my place.”
35 “Just come over.”
48 “Just come over and cook.”
66 Sex in the company jet on the way to Las Vegas.
THE FEMALE STAGES OF LIFE
AGE DRINK
17 Wine Coolers
25 White wine
35 Red wine
48 Dom Perignon
66 Shot of Jack Daniel’s with a Napkin chaser
AGE EXCUSES FOR REFUSING DATES
17 Need to wash my hair
25 Need to wash and condition my hair
35 Need to color my hair
48 Need to have Stefan colour my hair
66 Need to have Stefan colour my wig
AGE FAVOURITE SPORT
17 shopping
25 shopping
35 shopping
48 shopping
66 shopping
AGE DEFINITION OF A SUCCESSFUL DATE
17 “McDonalds”
25 “Free meal”
35 “A diamond”
48 “A bigger diamond”
66 “Home Alone”
AGE FAVOURITE FANTASY
17 tall, dark and handsome
25 tall, dark and handsome with money
35 tall, dark and handsome with money and a brain
48 a man with hair
66 a man
AGE WHAT’S THE IDEAL AGE TO GET MARRIED
17 17
25 25
35 35
48 48
66 66
AGE IDEAL DATE
17 He offers to pay
25 He pays
35 He cooks breakfast the next morning
48 He cooks breakfast the next morning for the kids
66 He can chew breakfast
Penis problem
A guy goes to see the doctor, because he’s a little too well-endowed. In fact, it’s 25 inches long and he can’t get any women to have sex with him.
Anyway, the doctor says there’s nothing he can do medically, but recommends a witch doctor that he thinks might be able to help.
The witch doctor takes a look at the problem and tells him to go to a particular pond, deep in the forest, and talk to a frog that lives there. “Ask the frog to marry you and each time the frog says no, you’ll be 5 inches shorter.”
Worth a try, he thinks, and off he dashes into the forest. He finds the pond and sees the frog on the other side, sitting on a log. “Frog, will you marry me?”
The frog looks at him, disinterested at best, and calls back, “No.”
The guy looks down and sure enough, he’s 5 inches shorter. Hey, this is great he thinks, let’s try that again. “Will you marry me?”
The frog rolls his eyes, and shouts back again, “No!”
Zappo! The guy’s down to 15 inches.
Well, that’s still a bit excessive, he thinks. Down another 5 would be perfect. So he calls across again, “Frog, will you marry me?”
The irritated frog yells back, “Look, how many times do I have to tell you? No, No, NO!”
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by BreeBroewn
Drive Em Wild
Q. What’s six inches long, two inches wide, and drives women wild?
A. Money
If Men Got Pregnant
Maternity leave would last two years….with full pay.
There would be a cure for stretch marks.
Natural childbirth would become obsolete.
Morning sickness would rank as the nation’s #1 health problem.
All methods of birth control would be 100% effective.
Children would be kept in the hospital until toilet trained.
Men would be eager to talk about commitment.
They wouldn’t think twins were so cute.
Sons would have to be home from dates by 10:00 PM.
Briefcases would be used as diaper bags.
Paternity suits would be a fashion line of clothes.
They’d stay in bed during the entire pregnancy.
Restaurants would include ice cream and pickles as main entree’s.
Women would rule the world.
Women seeking men
“WOMEN SEEKING MEN” Classifieds translationsFun means: AnnoyingGentle means: ComatoseGood Listener means: Hard to pull a word from her
Perfect People
It seems that this perfect man met this perfect woman and they got married. One day on December 24 they were driving down the road and they noticed a man stranded on the side of the road. This was no ordinary man, but it was Santa Claus. Being the perfect people that they were they offered Santa a ride because he was in a hurry to get his toys delivered. So the perfect man and perfect woman sped up to deliver Santa to his destination on time. Alas, the roads were slippery and the car got into an accident and 2 of the 3 people were killed. Can you guess who survived? Answer below . . .
——————————————————————————–
Since Santa Claus and a Perfect Man are both myths…the perfect woman had to survive.
Pretty ugly
MARY : John says I’m pretty. Andy says I’m ugly. What do you think, Peter?
PETER : A bit of both. I think you’re pretty ugly.
Submitted by sai1ram
Edited by Curtis
What Men Know
Top Ten Things Men Know “About Women”
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