Category: gender

A woman was out golfing one day when she hit her ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap. The frog said to her, “If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes.” The woman freed the frog.

The frog said, “Thank you, but I failed to mention that there is a condition to your wishes — that whatever you wish for, your husband will get ten times more or better!”

The woman said, “That would be okay.”

For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world. The frog warned her, “You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, women will flock to him like bees to honey.”

The woman replied, “That will be okay because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will only have eyes for me. So, “KAZAM” — she’s the most beautiful woman in the world! For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.

The frog said, “That will make your husband the richest man in the world and

he will be ten times richer than you.”

The woman said, “That will be okay because what’s mine is his and what’s his is mine.” So, “KAZAM”-she’s the richest woman in the world!

The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, “I’d like a mild heart attack.”

Moral of the story: Women are clever bitches. Don’t mess with them.

A woman walks up to a wizard and says, “Excuse me could you
remove this curse I’ve been under for the last 30 years?” The
wizard says, “Sure, but you’ll need to tell me the exact words
that were used for the curse.” She replies, “Sure. It was, ‘I
now pronounce you man and wife.'”

There are 3 ladies on a flight. Suddenly the pilot informed them that there was a technical problem and the plane was going to crash into the sea.

A chinese lady quickly took her cosmetics set out and started to doll herself up.

A Malay lady beside her questioned her on her actions. The chinese lady replied that if she lookod beautiful, the guys coming to rescue survivors would usually save the pretty ladies first,On hearing this, the Malay lady started to put on all her jewellery.

An Indian woman sitting beside the Malay lady was curious and questioned her.

The Malay lady said that the rescuers would save her because she would easily be identified by the glitter of her jewels.

Then the Indian woman started taking her clothes off.

Both the Chinese and Malay ladies were shocked and questioned her.The Indian woman then replied that rescue teams do not usually look for survivors. They usually look for the “Black Box” first.

What’s the difference between a woman and a dog at your front door? The dog will stop barking once you let it in!

A guy walks into a store to buy brains. He asks the woman behind the counter how much each of the brains cost. They saleswoman tells him, “$5/gram for women’s brains, $20/gram for dog’s brains, and $100/gram for men’s brains.”

So the guy is surprised with the varying prices, and he asks the saleswoman, “How come men’s brain’s are so much more expensive than women’s brains or dog’s brains?”

And the saleswoman replies, “Are you kidding!?!?!?!? Do you know how many men it takes to get a gram of brains????”

WHATS THE GREATEST PHRASE TO SAY TO YOUR BRO
WHEN WALKING BY A BUSSTATIONSKANK ?

“BUTTER BITCHES”
EVERYTHING BUTTER FACE
LOOKS GOOD !!

Having a man in your life is like a deck of cards:

You need a heart to love them.

You need a diamond to marry them.

You need a club to beat them.

And you need a spade to bury the bastards.

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles…the salesgirl notices him and asks him if she can help him.

He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter. She says, confused, “Sir, I thought you were looking for tampons for your wife?”

He answers, “You see, it’s like this. Yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes and she came home with a tin of tobacco and some rolling paper. So, I figure that if I have to roll my own, SO DOES SHE!”

Three old men were sitting around complaining about how much their hands shook.

The first geezer said, “My hands shake so bad that when I shaved this morning I cut my face!”

The second old fogey one-upped him. “My hands shake so bad that when I trimmed my garden yesterday I sliced all my flowers!”

The third old man laughed and said, “That’s nothing. My hands shake so bad that when I took a piss yesterday, I came three times.”

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Glaci

Two Southern belles were having a picnic in a park. The first one says, “See my new diamond ring? My husband bought it for me.”The second one says, “Oh, that’s nice! That’s really, really nice!”The first one says, “And see that shiny new Jaguar parked over there? My husband bought it for me.”The second one says, “Oh, that’s nice! That’s really, really nice!”The first one says, “And you know that big white house at the top of the hill? My husband is gonna buy that for me.”The second one says, “Oh, that’s nice! That’s really, really nice!” The first one says, “Oh my stars, here I am, going on and on about myself! Tell me, what does your husband do for you?”The second one says, “Well, my husband sent me to charm school.”The first one says, “Charm school? Why on earth would he do that?”The second one says, “Because I used to say, ‘Who gives a fuck,’ but now I say, ‘Oh, that’s nice! That’s really, really nice!'”

Argument (ar*gyou*ment) n.
————————–
A discussion that occurs when you’re right, but he just hasn’t
realized it yet.

Airhead (er*hed) n.
——————-
What a woman intentionally becomes when pulled over by a
policeman.

Bar-be-que (bar*bi*q) n.
————————
You bought the groceries, washed the lettuce, chopped the
tomatoes, diced the onions, marinated the meat and cleaned
everything up, but, he, “made the dinner.”

Blonde jokes (blond joks) n.
—————————-
Jokes that are short so men can understand them.

Cantaloupe (kant*e*lope) n.
————————–
Gotta get married in a church.

Clothes dryer (kloze dri*yer) n.
——————————–
An appliance designed to eat socks.

Diet Soda (dy*it so*da) n.
————————–
A drink you buy at a convenience store to go with a half pound
bag of peanut M&Ms.

Eternity (e*ter*ni*tee) n.
————————–
The last two minutes of a football game.

Exercise (ex*er*siz) v.
———————–
To walk up and down a mall, occasionally resting to make a
purchase.

Grocery List (grow*ser*ee list) n.
———————————–
What you spend half an hour writing, then forget to take with
you to the store.

Hair Dresser (hare dres*er) n.
——————————
Someone who is able to create a style you will never be able to
duplicate again. See “Magician.”

Hardware Store (hard*war stor) n.
———————————
Similar to a black hole in space-if he goes in, he isn’t coming
out anytime soon.

Childbirth (child*brth) n.
————————–
You get to go through 36 hours of contractions; he gets to hold
your hand and say “focus,…breath…push…”

Lipstick (lip*stik) n.
———————-
On your lips, coloring to enhance the beauty of your mouth. On
his collar, coloring only a tramp would wear…!

Park (park) v./n.
—————–
Before children, a verb meaning, “to go somewhere and neck.”
After children, a noun meaning a place with a swing set and
slide.

Patience (pa*shens) n.
———————-
The most important ingredient for dating, marriage and children.
See also “tranquilizers.”

Waterproof Mascara (wah*tr*pruf mas*kar*ah) n.
———————————————-
Comes off if you cry, shower, or swim, but will not come off if
you try to remove it.

Valentine’s Day (val*en*tinez dae) n.
————————————-
A day when you have dreams of a candlelight dinner, diamonds,
and romance, but consider yourself lucky to get a card.

This guy had a perpetual erection. It was constantly hard, day and night.

He went to a drug store to see if he could get something for it.

The pharmacist was a lady and he was kind of ashamed to tell her.

She said, “Don’t be ashamed, I’m a professional, you can tell me anything.”

He told her, “I have this perpetual hard-on. What can you give me for it?”

She responded, “Wait a minute, I’ll have to talk to my partner I’ll be right back,” and she went into the back to talk to her sister who was her partner in the drugstore.

She came back shortly and told him, “The best we can do is give you $500 and part ownership in the drugstore.”

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Tantilazing