Category: gender

Three women are in a gym locker room dressing up to play racquetball when suddenly a guy runs through the room wearing nothing but a bag over his head.He passes the first woman, who looks down at his penis. “He’s not my husband,” she says.He passes by the second woman, who also looks down at his penis. “He’s not my husband either.”He passes by the third woman, who also looks down as he runs by her.”Wait a minute,” she says. “He’s not even a member of this club.”

I’m hungry = I’m hungry

I’m sleepy = I’m sleepy

I’m tired = I’m tired

Do you want to go to a movie? = I’d like to have sex with you

Can I take you out to dinner? = I’d like to have sex with you

Can I call you sometime? = I’d like to have sex with you

May I have this dance? = I’d like to have sex with you

Nice dress! = Nice cleavage!

You look tense, let me give you a massage = I want to fondle you

What’s wrong? = I don’t see why you are making such a big deal out of this

What’s wrong? = What meaningless self-inflicted psychological trauma are you going through now?

What’s wrong? = I guess sex tonight is out of the question

I’m bored = Do you want to have sex?

I love you = Let’s have sex now

I love you, too = Okay, I said it, we’d better have sex now!

Yes, I like the way you cut your hair = I liked it better before

Yes, I like the way you cut your hair = $50 and it doesn’t look that much different!

Let’s talk = I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep person and maybe then you’d like to have sex with me

Will you marry me? = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other guys

(while shopping) I like that one better = Pick any freakin’ dress and let’s go home!

I don’t think that blouse and that skirt go well together = I am gay.

What women say… …What they mean…
——————————————————————-

Can’t we just be friends? There is no way in hell I am going
to let any part of your body touch
any part of mine, again.

I just need some space …without you in it

Can you help me with my homework? If I keep whining, the fool will do
it for me.

Do I look fat in this dress? We haven’t had a fight in a while

No, pizza’s fine Cheap bastard

I just do not want a boyfriend now I just do not want (you as a) boy-
friend now

I don’t know; what do you want to I can’t believe that you have
do? nothing planned

Come here My puppy does this too

I like you but… I don’t like you

You never listen You never listen

We’re moving too quickly I am not going to sleep with you
until I find out if this guy in Bio
has a girlfriend

I’ll be ready in a minute I AM ready, but I am going to make
you wait because I know you will.

Oh, no, I will pay for myself I am just being nice; there is no
way I am going dutch

Oh Yes! Right there Well, near there; I just want to get
this over with

I’m just going out with the girls We are gonna get sloppy and make
fun of you and your freinds

There’s no one else I am doing your brother

Size doesn’t count… unless I want an orgasm

Q. How do you know a woman is to fat?
A. Young lovers try to carve their initials into her leg.

A bear was chasing a rabbit in the woods when they came across a magic lamp. The geni came out and said ” O.K. which one of you found me?” They argue about it for a while and the geni finally says “Fine. I will give you both three wishes.” The bear goes first and says ” I wish that all of the bears in this forest, except me, were girls.” Then the rabbit says ” I wish I had a motorcycle.”
The bear goes again and says ” I wish all of the bears in the country, except me, were girls.” and the rabbit says ” I wish I had a helmet.” then the bear says ” I wish all of the bears in the world, except me, were girls.” and the rabbit says ” I wish the bear was gay.”

A construction worker on the third floor of a building needs a handsaw. He sees one of the laborers on the first floor and yells down to him, but the man indicates that he can’t hear. So, the guy on the third floor tries to use signs. He points to his eye, meaning, “I”, then at his knee, meaning, “need”, then he moves his hand back and forth, meaning, “handsaw”. The man on the first floor nods, then drops his pants and begins to masturbate.

The man on the third floor freaks out and runs down to the first floor yelling, ”What the hell is wrong with you!?! Are you stupid or something? I was saying that I needed a handsaw!”

The laborer looks at the carpenter and says, ”I knew that. I was just trying to tell you that I was coming.”

If men ruled the world would be different- Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed an acceptable response to ‘I love you.’- Hallmark would make ‘Sorry, what was your name again?’ cards.- When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she would appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during half-time.- Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack on the bum would pretty much do it.- Birth control could come in ale or lager.- The funniest guy in the office would get to be the big boss.- ‘Sorry I’m late, I got hammered last night,’ would be an acceptable excuse for tardiness.- It’d be considered harmless fun to gather 30 friends, put on horned helmets, and go pillage a nearby town.- Lifeguards could remove citizens from beaches for violating the ‘public ugliness’ ordinance.- Tanks would be far easier to rent.- Instead of beer belly, you’d get ‘beer biceps’.- Instead of an expensive engagement ring, you could present your wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that said, ‘You’re No. 1.’- Valentine’s Day would be moved to February 29.- Cops would be broadcast live and you could phone in advice to the pursuing cops. Or to the crooks.- The victors in any athletic competition would get to kill and eat the losers.- The only show opposite Friday Night Football would be Friday Night Football from a Different Camera Angle.- It would be perfectly legal to steal a sports car, as long as you returned it the following day with a full tank of petrol.- Every man would get four real ‘Get Out of Jail Free’ cards per year.- When a cop gave you a ticket, every smart-alec answer you responded with would actually reduce your fine, as in: Cop: `You know how fast you were going?’ You: ‘All I know is that I was spilling my beer all over the place.’ Cop: ‘Nice one. That’s $10 off.’

Q: What’s the difference between men and a bag full of shit?

A: The bag.

Q. What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her intelligence?
A. Divorced.

What is the quickest way to clear out a men’s restroom?

Say, “Nice Dick.”

Why are women and condoms so similar?

Because they’re either on your dick or in your wallet.

This 65 year old woman is naked, jumping up and down on her bed laughing and singing.

Her husband walks into the bedroom and sees her.

He watches her a while then says, “You look ridiculous, what on earth are you doing?”

She says, “I just got my check-up and my doctor says I have the breasts of an eighteen-year-old.” She starts laughing and jumping again.

He says, “Yeah, right. And what did he say about your 65 year-old ass?”

She says, “Well, your name never came up.”