Category: gender

Q. How many male chauvinists does it take to change a light bulb?
A. None. They let the bitch do it after she finishes the dishes.

One day this guy went to the doctor and said, “Doc I really feel bad, can you do some tests?”

The doctor did some tests and said, “I’ll call you when they’re done and we can talk over the phone. OK?”

The guy said, “OK,” and went home and did his daily routine.

One morning he woke up and the phone rang. He picked it up and it was the doctor.

The doc said, “I’ve got some good news and some bad news.”

The guy said, “Well, what is the good news?”

The doc said, “You have 24 hours to live.”

The guy said, “Well, what’s the bad news?”

The doc said, “I forgot to call you yesterday.”

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo

Q:How do you know when a man is going to say something smart?

A:When he starts it off with: a woman once told me…

How many women does it take to change a light bulb?

None, they just sit there in the dark and bitch.

Why Girls Rule!

Everyday I give thanks to the Goddess
I have two mounds upon my bodice
I shave my legs, I sit down to pee
I can justify any shopping spree
Not to a barber, but a beauty salon
Can get a massage without a hard on

Can balance the checkbook, pump my own gas
Can talk to my friends about the size of my ass
I always save money by using coupons
Can admit to others when I am wrong

Don’t drive in circles at any cost
So I don’t have to admit when I am lost
Don’t act like I’m in a timed marathon
Every time I go to the john

Let me tell you men
Listen up boys
Those things in your pants
That you treat as toys
You love them more than we ever will
We would rather suck on a cold pickled dill

I spend two hours preparing for a date
Only to find you’re two hours late
I don’t watch movies with lots of gore
Don’t need instant replay to remember the score

I won’t loose my hair
I don’t get jock itch
And just cause I’m sensitive
Don’t call me a bitch

I dont’ wear the same underwear everyday
The food in my fridge has no sign of decay
I don’t go to Sears
To look at the tools
I don’t cheat at poker
I follow the rules

I don’t read magazines about cars
Don’t pay for drinks at bars
I don’t punch my friends just to say “Hi”
And it’s o.k. for me to cry

I know all you men
Think you’re “IT”
But compared to a woman
You just ain’t SHIT!

1. BEING PASSIVE.
Don’t let him undress you and himself. Just help him a little
bit: like making the first step. Just because we are men it
doesn’t mean that we must do all the job.

2. WEARING JEANS OR TIGHT PANTS.
It takes time to take off these kind of clothes. Every second
counts. Remember one thing: the more time you got, the more
rounds you got, and the more rounds you got the more satisfied
you get.

3. GOING DOWN HALFWAY.
Once you start going down, don’t stop at the belly button, keep
going or just don’t go past the neck at all.

4. CHOCKING HIS CHICKEN.
Men feel pain, we are not as tough as you think. No man has a
leather dick. You got to be smooth with the dick. Pulling it too
hard doesn’t make us feel horny, it hurts even though we don’t
tell you.

5. LICKING HIS EAR TOO MUCH.
It’s just the same as a dog licking a bitches ass.

6. MOANING LIKE A RUNNER THAT NEEDS AIR.
Better moan with style girls cause men love to make fun of girls
who can’t moan like movie stars. Try not too make much noise
when you exhale.

7. SCRATCHING HIS BACK.
We don’t need no autographs, girls. It does not feel good at
all. Depend on the length of nail and how deep you dig them in
our backs so keep your nails in you pockets please. If you feel
the need to scratch a boys back, either grip the hell out of the
sheets or the headboard.

8. LETTING YOUR HAIR FALL IN HIS FACE.
Men need air, they breath.

9. JUMPING ON HIPS TO HARD.
A man is not a horse so please take it easy unless you got a big
booty to take care of the landing.

10. SCREAMING TOO LOUD WHEN YOU CUM.
Are you crazy? Do you want us to get caught by your parents? Or
do you just love seeing me jump through the window butt naked…

11. KEEP YORSELF CLEAN!
Everyone knows that fish is the smell. But we don’t have to be
smelling it when you take your panties off. Please warn us if
you haven’t freshened up. And nobody wants to suck on salty
dirty titties. Men aren’t the only ones who sweat. And we sure
don’t want you smelling like you work at a fish market either.
Make sure your ass is clean!!! No man wants to eat off a dirty
plate.

12. MAKE SURE YOUR FEET ARE IN CHECK.
Every man has a certain turn on, everything on a woman must be
perfect, that’s how we like it. Do not, I repeat do not get in
bed with us with your feet looking like you were walking bare
foot on toxic waste. You know what I am talking about, nail
polish coming off halfway, smelly as hell, uneven toenails,
soles feeling like sandpaper. Its hard to perform good foreplay
with that. And don’t even think about asking us to suck your
toes when they look like they have been beaten with a sledge
hammer (ugly) and we are not to fond of unpolished toes either.
We like them soft, pretty, and tasty looking.

13. GIVING HEAD.
Don’t use your teeth! It hurts, really!

14. AFTER SEX BROADCASTING.
Don’t go bragging to your friends saying that you have us so
called “whipped” its not cool at all, especially when his
friends are around. If a man is “whipped” he won’t admit it.

15. KEEP IT REAL.
When you’re at the point of breaking up, don’t wait until then
to tell us we didn’t knock it right. You know damn well we had
you climbing the walls and walking on air.

15> Actually, more wall boogers.

14> Nearly impossible to see the genitalia of the woman peeing next to you.

13> *Their* hand dryers run for exactly the right amount of time.

12> Special mist agent in ventilation reinforces immunity to fart jokes and keeps them believing that things like scrapbooks, fashion magazines and foreplay are great ideas.

11> Those built in electronic appliances only *look* like hair dryers.

10> They have closed circuit TV and live action commentary from the camera poised over the urinals in the men’s room.

9> Domestic beers and rail drinks are 2-for-1, all the time.

8> Women receive bonus miles with each purchase from the tampon dispenser.

7> Hot and cold running boy toys — why do you *think* we take so long?

6> Spontaneous lesbian orgies break out only about half as much as guys tend to think.

5> The towel boys attired as gladiators, not Egyptian slave boys.

4> They have sculpted Italian marble commodes, 24-karat gold fixtures and ultra-premium, ultra-soft toilet paper. Either that or less urine on the floor.

3> Women’s restrooms remain virtually odor free because any unpleasant odors are piped directly into the men’s room next door.

2> We get naked, wrestle playfully in the mud bath, play keep-away with the soap in the shower, towel-dry each other, reapply makeup and discuss the size of your penis. Getting back into our damned pantyhose is what takes so long, though.

1> Restrooms?!? Men don’t know anything about WOMEN!!

[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 2001 by Chris White ]

What is a cat?

1) Cats do what they want.
2) They rarely listen to you.
3) They’re totally unpredictable.
4) They whine when they are not happy.
5) When you want to play, they want to be alone.
6) When you want to be alone, they want to play.
7) They expect you to cater to their every whim.
8) They’re moody.
9) They leave hair everywhere.
10) They drive you nuts and cost an arm and a leg.

Conclusion: They’re tiny little women in cheap fur coats.

Q. Why is the book “Women Who Love Too Much” a disappointment for many
men?
A. No phone numbers.

Q. Why are married women heavier than single women?

A. Single women come home, see what’s in the fridge and go to bed. Married
women come home, see what’s in bed and go to the fridge.

What is a macho man?

After getting a blow job, he asks the woman, ‘Was it as good for you, as it was for me?’

One man explaining to another why he fired his secretary:

“Two weeks ago,” I said, “was my forty-fifth birthday and I wasn’t feeling too hot that morning anyway. I went into the kitchen for breakfast knowing that my wife would be pleasant and say ‘Happy Birthday’ and probably have a present for me. She didn’t even say ‘Good Morning’ let alone say ‘Happy Birthday’.

“I said to myself Well that’s wives for you. The children will remember.’ But the children came into breakfast and didn’t say a word. And when I started to the office, I was feeling pretty low and despondent.

As I walked into my office, Janet said ‘Good Morning, Boss-Happy Birthday’ and I felt a little bit better that someone had remembered. I worked until noon. About noon, Janet knocked on my door and said, You know it’s such a beautiful day outside and it is your birthday, so let’s go to lunch, just you and I.’ I said, ‘By George, that is the greatest thing I have heard all day. Let’s go.’

“We went to lunch. We didn’t go where we normally go, we went out into the country to a private place. We had two Martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously.

“On the way back to the office, she said, ‘You know, it’s such a beautiful day we don’t need to go back to the office, do we?’ I said, ‘No, I guess not.’

“She said, ‘Let’s go by my apartment, and I’ll fix you another Martini.’

“We went to her apartment. We enjoyed another Martini and smoked a cigarette and she said, ‘Boss, if you don’t mind, I think I’ll go into the bedroom and slip into something more comfortable’ and I allowed her as I didn’t mind at all.

“She went into the bedroom and in about six minutes she came out of the bedroom carrying a big birthday cake followed by my wife and children. All were singing ‘Happy Birthday’ and there I sat with nothing on but my socks.”