Category: gender

Once upon a time, in a land far away, a beautiful, independent, self assured princess happened upon a frog as she sat contemplating ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her castle.

The frog hopped into the princess lap and said: Elegant Lady, I was once a handsome prince, until an evil witch cast a spell upon me. One kiss from you, however, and I will turn back into the dapper, young prince that I am and then, my sweet, we can marry and setup housekeeping in yon castle with my mother, where you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children, and forever feel grateful and happy doing so.

That night, as the princess dined sumptuously on a repast of lightly sauteed frog legs seasoned in a white wine and onion cream sauce, she chuckled to herself and thought:
I don’t freakin’ think so!

I can let you have this top-of-the-line stereo for nine hundred dollars, minus six percent for cash,” the salesman said.The customer, not able to figure the calculation, said he would think about the deal and return the next day.That evening, the fellow asked his female friend, “If you were offered nine hundred dollars minus six percent, how much would you take off?””Everything but my earrings,” she purred.

Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night. A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn’t. A man marries a woman expecting that she won’t change & she does. A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument. There are 2 times when a man doesn’t understand a woman: before marriage & after.

1 Cool, I’ve never been to the Grand Canyon.

2 How many storage boxes can you fit in there?!?

3 You must be very experienced.

4 Remember, you said this was a freebie…right?

5 Wait, let me get a board and rope so I don’t fall in.

6 I gotta take off my watch, wouldn’t wanna lose it.

7 Why do you wear a bra when you’ve already got a belt.

8 Would you mind rolling around in this flour.

9 I heard carpenters dream about you.

10 So this is why you’re supposed to judge people on personality.

11 Look.. I can get my whole arm in.

12 It’s a good thing you have so many other talents.

13 Is that an optical illusion?

14 If I look right at it I feel like I’m falling in.

15 Would you mind wearing a paper sack on your head?

16 Do you mind if I wear one too…in case yours falls off?

17 Jeez…What ya got up there, dead fish?

18 I heard you could suck the chrome off a trailer hitch.

19 Have you ever thought of working in a sideshow?

20 I’ve been wondering all night what that smell was.

21 Maybe if I get really wasted I wont mind your body.

22 You know they have surgery to fix that.

23 Everybody down at the bar said you were good.

24 Oh, that’s why they call it a Wonderbra, it makes those lines go away

25 Huh? They told me your name was Jezebel.

26 I expect a good time, at least, the bathroom wall said so.

27 You’re not as ugly as people claim, not quite anyway.

28 You’re not ‘that’ fat.

29 I see why everyone said, with you, it’s better with the lights out.

30 Wow, you like it the same way your little sister does.

A lady with a prize-winning schnauzer figured that he was going deaf. He wouldn’t come when she called. When she took him out for a walk he wouldn’t heel like he had been taught to do. As a matter of fact, when the dog wasn’t looking and she called him, he acted like he didn’t hear her at all. So she took him to the vet.

The vet looked the dog over and gave him a complete physical.

He told the lady, “There’s nothing wrong with your dog at all. Look here. He has excessive hair growing in his ears, which led you to believe that he is deaf. He can’t hear you, but he isn’t deaf. You can treat this with a depilatory. I haven’t got any in stock, but you can get some ‘Neet’ or ‘Nair’ at your local pharmacy. This will work just as well as the doggy brand will.”

So the lady went to the nearest store and picked up a small bottle of Nair and looked over the instructions. There was nothing on the carton that related to her dog so she took it to the druggist and asked his advice.

“How do I apply this product,” she asked. “Do I put it on right out of the bottle or do I dilute it or what?”

The druggist said, “For you legs, put it on straight. Right out of the bottle. For your underarms, I recommend that you dilute it 50-50 with water.”

She said, “I don’t think that you understand. It’s for my schnauzer.”

“Oh,” said the druggist. “In that case, I suggest that you dilute it 3 to 1 with water. And by the way, I wouldn’t ride a bicycle for a few days.”

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis

A new two-year degree is being offered at the University that many of you should be interested in: Becoming A Real Man. That’s right, in just six trimesters, you, too, can be a real man-as well as earn an MA Degree (Male Arts). Please take a moment to look over the program outline.

FIRST YEAR Autumn Schedule: MEN 101–Combating Stupidity MEN 102–You, Too, Can Do Housework MEN 103–PMS-Learn When to Keep Your Mouth Shut MEN 104–We Do Not Want Sleazy Under things for Christmas

Winter Schedule: MEN 110–Wonderful Laundry Techniques MEN 111–Understanding the Female Response to Getting in at 4 am MEN 112–Parenting: It Doesn’t End with Conception EAT 100–Get a Life, Learn to Cook EAT 101–Get a Life, Learn to Cook II ECON 001A–What’s Hers is Hers

Spring Schedule: MEN 120–How NOT to Act Like a Butt face When You’re Wrong MEN 121–Understanding Your Incompetence MEN 122–YOU, the Weaker Sex MEN 123–Reasons to Give Flowers ECON 001C–What Was Yours is Hers

SECOND YEAR Autumn Schedule: SEX 101–You CAN Fall Asleep without It SEX 102–Morning Dilemma: If It’s Awake, Take a Shower SEX 103–How to Stay Awake After Sex MEN 201–How to Put the Toilet Seat Down Elective–See Electives Below)

Winter Schedule: MEN 210–The Remote Control: Overcoming Your Dependency MEN 211–How to Not Act Younger than Your Children MEN 212–You, Too, Can Be a Designated Driver MEN 213–Believe Me, You Don’t Look Like Tom Cruise MEN 230A–Her Birthdays and Anniversaries Are Important 1

Spring Schedule: MEN 220–Omitting %&*! from Your Vocabulary (Pass/Fail Only) MEN 221–Her Birthdays and Anniversaries Are Important 2 MEN 222–Real Men Ask for Directions MEN 223–Thirty Minutes of Begging is NOT Considered Foreplay

Course Electives: EAT 101–Cooking with Tofu EAT 102–Utilization of Eating Utensils EAT 103–Burping and Belching Discreetly MEN 231–Mothers-in-law MEN 232–Appear to Be Listening MEN 233–Just Say “Yes, Dear” ECON 001C–Cheaper to Keep Her

1. WHY ARE MEN SUCH JERKS?
It’s a testosterone thing. Much similar to your PMT thing, we men suffer from testosterone poisoning. Why do you think the average life span of a male is typically 10 years shorter (and it’s not just from all the bitching and nagging we have to endure)? Hormone modifies behaviour. We’re just misunderstood.

2. WHY DO MEN ALWAYS HAVE TO OGLE AT OTHER WOMEN?
Again, this is a testosterone thing. Do you honestly think that all the testosterone just fell out of our bodies the moment we met you? Besides, women do it as well. Women are just much better at not getting caught. I’m fairly certain it’s some sort of photographic memory deal. Women take One quick look and memorize it for later reference. Since men lack this ability, we try to burn it into our memory by staring as much as we can.

3. WHY DO MEN ALWAYS TOUCH THEMSELVES, ESPECIALLY IN PUBLIC?
We occasionally need to adjust our little friend and make him happy. It’s much like adjusting your bra. Being in public is just an added bonus.

4. WHY DO MEN ALWAYS SAY SUCH STUPID THINGS?
We like to. It’s actually a whole lot of fun to see our partner Frustrated by a few simple (and well chosen) words.

5. WHY ARE MEN SO UNCOMMUNICATIVE?
You’d learn to keep your big mouth shut too if every time you open it you get into trouble with your partner.

6. WHY DO MEN HAVE TO ACT LIKE SUCH RETARDS?
Well, we don’t actually have to; we do it because we enjoy it. It’s the Old fashioned pride in a job well done that’s missing in so much of the world nowadays.

7. WHY CAN’T MEN JUST SHARE THEIR FEELINGS?
Do we look like women to you? Why is it so hard to understand that men And women are different? How are we supposed to share how we feel when we have no idea how we feel? Unless we’re experiencing some extreme emotion like rage, hatred, disgust, or a brick on our foot, we have no idea how we feel. Personally, I get a headache whenever I try to figure out how I feel.

8. WHY CAN’T MEN CUDDLE MORE (I.E. LIE DOWN AND HUG)?
Please… How many hours do you think there is in a day? We oblige you as much as we can, but who the hell (besides women) can stand lying around for hours on end? We men… Men hunters… Need go roam… Starve in cave…Must go find wildebeest… Now sitting on our arses for hours on end on the other hand is a whole other story.

9. HOW CAN MEN SIT ON THEIR ARSES ALL DAY WITHOUT MOVING?
Men have very powerful sets of sitting muscles developed by evolution that enable us to sit for extended periods of time without getting tired. In prehistoric times, it was often necessary to sit in one spot for extended periods of time while hunting for prey. The more successful hunters were able to sit very still for very extended periods of time there by passing on this ability to their progeny. The fidgety types were all gobbled up by Saber toothed tigers etc. The end result is that almost all modern men are born with this innate ability.

10. WHY CAN’T MEN JUST SAY “I LOVE YOU?”
Men are taught from a tender young age to be self-sufficient. To say that we love you is equivalent to saying that we need you. Most men consider that a character fault. It’s not easy to admit to one’s own character faults.

11. WHY DO MEN SAY “I LOVE YOU” WHEN THEY HARDLY KNOW ME?
Ho, Ho, Ho… Aren’t you special? Well, some men think it’s a sure fire way to get into your pants. Surprisingly, it actually still works quite well.

12. WHY DOESN’T MY PARTNER EVER ANSWER ME?
We just simply don’t have the energy to answer every single one of your questions. If we think we do not have the answer, or that you will not like the answer, we simply remain quiet and save the energy for other things.

13. WHY WON’T MEN EVER PICK UP AFTER THEMSELVES?
Why should we? It doesn’t really bother us that much. Besides, we know damn well you’ll pick it up.

14. WHAT’S WITH ALL THE BELCHING AND FARTING?
This usually only occurs after months of courting. It’s our way to let youknow that we’re comfortable with you. Believe it or not, it’s actually asign of affection. Besides, holding it for extended periods of time gives us stomach cramps.

15. WHY DO MEN HATE SHOPPING?
It’s an evolutionary thing. Men hunt. Women gather. We just want to go out, kill it, and bring it back. Who wants to spend hours and hours to look at things we have no intention of killing? Err… buying? Squiffy’s House of Fun

Ms. Nice Guy – “Tickets to the boxing match? Oh Darling, you shouldn’t have”
Also known as: What a gal, precious, one of the boys, my main squeeze,
doormat
Advantages: Cheerful, agreeable, kindly
Disadvantages: May wise up someday

Old Yeller – “You G-D spineless good-for-nothing drag-ass no-talent son of a
bitch! Can’t you see you’re making me miserable??”
Also known as: She-Devil, Sourpuss, the Nag, My Old Lady, Warthog from Hell
Advantages: Pays attention to you
Disadvantages: Screeches, throws frying pans

Sickly – “Oh, my head. My head. My feet. My cramps. My cellulite”
Also known as: Whiner, Mewler, Glumpy
Advantages: Predictable
Disadvantages: Contagious

The Bosser – “Stand up straight. Put on a different tie. Get a haircut.
Change your job. Make some money. Don’t give me that look.”
Also known as: Whipcracker, The Sarge, Ms. Know-it-all, Ball and Chain, yes,
Mom
Advantages: Often right
Disadvantages: Often right, but so what?

Ms. Vaguely Dissatisfied – “I just can’t decide. Should I switch my career,
goals, home, and hair color?”
Also known as: The Fretter, Worrywart, Typical, Aw c’mon Honey
Advantages: Easily soothed
Disadvantages: Even more easily perturbed

Wild Woman out of Control – “I’ve got an idea. Lez get drunk an’ make love
onna front lawn. I done it before. S’fun.”
Also known as: Fast girl, freewheeler, goodtime charleena, passed out
Advantages: More fun than a barrel of monkeys
Disadvantages: Unreliable; drives off cliffs

Huffy – “I see nothing humorous in those silly cartoons you keep snickering
at”
Also known as: No fun, humorless prig, Cold fish, Chilly proposition,
iceberg, Snarly
Advantages: Your friends will feel sorry for you
Disadvantages: You will have no friends

Woman from Mars – “I believe this interpretive dance will explain how I feel
about our relationship”
Also known as: The Babbler, Spooky Girl, Screwball, Loony, Bad News,
Artistic
Advantages: Entertaining, unfathomable
Disadvantages: Will read her poetry aloud

Ms. Dreamgirl – “I am utterly content with you just the way you are, my
handsome genius of a boyfriend. I think we must make love
like crazed weasels now”
Also known as: Ms. Right, Goddess, Knockout, Perfection, Gorgeous
Advantages: Funny, intelligent uninhibited
Disadvantages: Will have nothing to do with you

A man is driving up a steep narrow mountain road. A woman is driving down the same steep narrow mountain road.
As they pass each other, the woman leans out of the window and yells, “PIG!!”

The man immediately leans out of his window and replies, �BITCH!!�

They each continue on their way, and as the man rounds the next corner, he runs into a pig in the middle of the road.

If only men would listen……………..

Did you hear about the call girl who accidentally made two appointments at the same time?

She managed to squeeze them both in.

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo

For women, penises are a hobby … kinda like fishing …

The small ones you throw back. The good-sized ones you take home for dinner, and The big ones you mount.”

1. They can give milk from their boobs.

2. They can bleed for five days straight without dying.

3. They can bury a 9 inch bone without even getting their nose dirty.