Category: gender

What do most men consider a gourmet restaurant?

Any place without a drive-up window.

Q. Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?
A. They don’t have balls to scratch.

THE FEMALE STRESS DIET
This is a specially formulated diet designed to help you cope with the stress that builds up during the day:

Breakfast – I grapefruit, I slice whole-wheat toast, I cup of skim milk.

Lunch – Small portion of lean, steamed chicken with a cup of spinach, 1 cup of herbal tea, I Tim Tam.

Afternoon Tea – The rest of the packet of Tim Tams, I tub of Tip Top ice cream with chocolate topping, I jar of Nutella.

Dinner – 4 bottles of red wine, 2 loaves of garlic bread, I family size supreme pizza, 3 Snickers bars.

Late Night Snack – Whole frozen Sarah Lee cheesecake eaten directly from the freezer.

Diet Rules
1. If no one sees you eat something, it has no calories.

2. When drinking a diet Coke with a chocolate bar, the fat in the chocolate is cancelled out by the diet Coke.

3. When you eat with someone else, calories don’t count if you do not eat more than they do.

4. Food used for medicinal purposes does NOT count. (For example: hot chocolate, toast, cheesecake, vodka…)

5. If you fatten up the people around you, you will look thinner.

6. Cinema-related foods have a zero calorie count as they are part of the entertainment package and not counted as food intake. This includes popcorn, Minties, Maltesers, Jaffas and frozen Cokes.

7. Biscuit pieces have no calories because breaking the biscuits up causes calorie leakage.

8. Food licked from knives and spoons has no fat if you are in the process of cooking something.

9. Foods that are the same color have the same amount of fat. Examples are: spinach and peppermint ice cream, apples and red jelly snakes.

10. Chocolate is like a food-color wildcard and may be substituted for any other color.

11. Anything eaten while standing has no calories due to gravity and the density of the calorie mass.

12. Food consumed from someone else’s plate has no fat as it rightfully belongs to the other person and will cling to his/her plate. (Oh, how fat likes to cling!)

And remember: ‘STRESSED’ SPELT BACKWARDS IS ‘DESSERTS’!

Hammer – In ancient times a hammer was used to inflict pain on one’s enemies. Modern hammers are used to inflict pain on oneself.

Screwdriver – The drink ordered at the local bar after you call in a professional repairman to undo the $500 in damage you did while trying to change out a light socket with your handy screwdriver.

Phillips Screwdriver – The bar drink that you order when the damage estimate is over $1,000. Contains twice the vodka.

Pliers – A device used to extend your reach the necessary few inches when you drop a one-of-a-kind screw down behind the new wall it took you two weeks to install.

Multi-Pliers – Contain a handy assortment of sharp and dangerous tools. Best left in it’s leather sheath and worn on a homeowner’s belt to increase testosterone levels.

Electronic Stud Finder – An annoying device that never goes off when you point it at yourself.

Halogen Light – A work light that lights up your backyard with the incandescence of a football stadium, causing you to cast a heavy shadow over the area you’re working on so that you need to use a flashlight anyway.

Cordless Drill – A device that lessens your chance of electrocution 90% over a standard plug-in tool.

Cordless Telephone – The handyman’s 911.

Air Compressor – A mechanical device similar in principal to harnessing the power of your mother-in-law’s nagging complaints and using the resulting airflow to blast old paint off the side of the house.

Chainsaw – Allows you to cut your way out of the shed that you accidentally built completely around yourself.

A man called his boss one morning and said, “I can’t make it to work today. I am sick.”

The boss asked, “What’s wrong?”

The employee replied, “I have anal glaucoma.”

The boss said, “What the hell is that?”

The man replied, “Well, I just can’t see my ass coming in to work.”

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by BreeBrown

Mr. Baldwin, the biology teacher called on Mary, “Can you tell me the part of the body that, under the right conditions, expands to six times it’s normal size, and state the conditions.”

Mary gasped and said in a huff, “Why, Mr. Baldwin! That is an inappropriate question and my parents are going to hear of it when I get home!” She sat down, red-faced.

“Susan, can you tell me the answer?” asked Mr. Baldwin.

“The pupil of the eye, under dark conditions,” said Susan.

“Correct. Now Mary, I have three things to say to you.

First, you have not studied your lesson.

Second, you have a dirty mind.

And third, boy are you going to be disappointed someday!”

Tupperware: Its Social And Environmental Drawbacks Where To Look When Your Auto Is In Reverse Learning When Not To Talk, And Then Not Talking

The Chief and Deputy were sitting down to their usual cup of morning coffee listening to the weather report coming over the radio. “There will be 3 to 5 inches of snow today and a snow emergency has been declared. You must park your cars on the odd numbered side of the streets. Chief gets up from his coffee and says, “Jeez, okay.”

Two days later, again they both are sitting down with their cups of morning coffee and the weather forecast is, “There will be 2 to 4 inches of snow today and a snow emergency has been declared. You must park your cars on the even numbered side of the streets.” Chief gets up from his coffee and says, “Jeez, okay.”

Three days later, again they both are sitting down with their cups of coffee and the weather forecast is, “There will be 6 to 8 inches of snow today and a snow emergency has been declared. You must park your cars on the…” and then the power went out and Chief didn’t get the rest of the instructions. He says to the Deputy, “Jeez, what am I going to do now?”

The Deputy replies, “Aw Chief, just leave the car in the garage.”

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis

Q. When do you care for a man’s company?
A. When he owns it.

Here are some things better left unsaid when you are arguing
with your wife/girlfriend.

Don’t you have some laundry to do or something?

Oh, you are so cute when you get all pissed off.

You’re just upset because your butt is beginning to spread.

Wait a minute – I get it. What time of the month is it?

Shouldn’t you consult the great Oprah on this one?

Sorry. I was just picturing you naked.

Whoa, time out. Football is on.

Looks like someone had an extra bowl of B#%$@! flakes this
morning!

Is there any way we can do this via e-mail?

Who are you kidding? We both know that thing ain’t loaded.

When it comes to human sexuality, men are like microwave ovens and women are crockpots.

Why do women pay so much attention to their appearance rather than to
improving their minds?

Because most men are stupid, but few are blind.