This guy runs home and bursts in yelling “Pack your bags honey, I just won the lottery!!”
She says “Oh wonderful, should I pack for the beach or for the mountains?”
He replies “I don’t care…Just get the heck out!!”
Yours Fun Portal !
This guy runs home and bursts in yelling “Pack your bags honey, I just won the lottery!!”
She says “Oh wonderful, should I pack for the beach or for the mountains?”
He replies “I don’t care…Just get the heck out!!”
The patient’s family gathered to hear what the specialists had to
say. “Things don’t look good.” The only chance is a brain transplant. This
is an experimental procedure. It might work, but the bad news is that brains
are very expensive, and you will have to pay the costs yourselves.”
“Well, how much does a brain cost?” asked the relatives.
“For a male brain, $500,000. For a female brain, $200,000.”
Some of the younger male relatives tried to look shocked, but all the
men nodded because they thought they understood. A few actually smirked. But
the patient’s daughter was unsatisfied and asked, “Why the difference in
price between male brains and female brains?”
“A standard pricing practice,” said the head of the team.
“Women’s brains have to be marked down because they have actually
been used.”
A young girl of 12 gets up in the middle of the night for a glass of water.
Hearing muffled noises coming from her parents room, she quietly peeks her
head in. She’s been very curious about sex, and thinks that that must be
what her parents are doing….
She soundlessly returns to bed and resolves to ask her mother about it in
the morning. At breakfast she asks her mother, “Mommy, what’s sex?”
“Sex happens when a man and woman get married,” her mother replies. “The
man puts his penis into the woman’s vagina and they make a baby.”
The little girl thinks for a minute and says, “Mommy, last night I saw you
with Daddy’s penis in your mouth! What do you get when you do that?”
Her mother smiles and says, “Jewelry!”
Q. Did you hear about the guy who finally figured out women?
A. He died laughing before he could tell anybody.
(NOTE: a score of “0” means it was expected of him)
Simple Duties
————
* You go out to buy her spring-fresh extra-light panty-liners
with wings: +5
* But return with beer: -5
* You check out a suspicious noise at night: 0
* You check out a suspicious noise and it’s nothing: 0
* You check out a suspicious noise and it’s something: +5
* You pummel it with a six iron: +10
* It’s her father: -10
Social Engagements
——————
* You stay by her side the entire party: 0
* You stay by her side for awhile, then leave to chat with a
college drinking buddy: -2
* Named Tiffany: -4
* Tiffany is a dancer: -6
* Tiffany has implants: -8
Saturday Afternoons
——————-
* You visit her parents: +1
* You visit her parents and actually make conversation: +3
* You visit her parents and stare vacantly at the television: -3
* And the television is off: -6
* You spend the day watching college football in your underwear:
-6
* And you didn’t even go to college: -10
* And it’s not really your underwear: -15
Her Birthday
————
* You take her out to dinner: 0
* You take her out to dinner and it’s not a sports bar: +1
* Okay, it’s a sports bar: -2
* And it’s all-you-can-eat night: -3
* It’s a sports bar, it’s all-you-can-eat night, and your face
is painted the colors of your favorite team: -10
* You give her a gift: 0
* You give her a gift, and it’s a small appliance: -10
* You give her a gift, and it’s not a small appliance: +1
* You give her a gift, and it isn’t chocolate: +2
* You give her a gift that you’ll be paying off for months: +30
* You wait until the last minute and buy her a gift that day: -10
* With her credit card: -30
* And whatever you bought is two sizes too small: -40
Thoughtfulness
———————-
* You forgot to pick her up at the bus station: -25
* Which is in Newark, New Jersey: -35
* And the pouring rain dissolves her leg cast: -50
A Night Out With Your Pals
—————————————-
* You have a few beers: -9
* For every beer after three: -2 again
* And miss curfew by an hour: -12
* You get home at 3 a.m.: -20
* You get home at 3 a.m. smelling of booze and cheap cigars: -30
* And not wearing any pants: -40
* Is that a tattoo? -200
A Night Out, Just the Two of You
————————————————-
* You go see a comic: +2
* He’s crude and sexist: -2
* You laugh: -5
* You laugh too much: -10
* She’s not laughing: -15
* You laugh harder: -25
Driving
———-
* You lose the directions on a trip: -4
* You lose the directions and end up getting lost: -10
* You end up getting lost in a bad part of town: -15
* You get lost in a bad part of town and meet the locals up
close & personal: -25
* She finds out you lied about having a black belt: -60
Communication
———————-
* When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen,
displaying what looks like a concerned expression: 0
* When she wants to talk, you listen, for over 30 minutes: +5
* You listen for more than 30 minutes, without looking at the
television or picking up a newspaper: +10
* She realizes this is because you’ve fallen asleep: -10
How are men and parking spots alike?
The good ones are always taken and the ones left are handicapped.
1) Is it just me or do women always have to own ten thousand
shoes that they never use?
2) Is is just me, or when you ask a women what’s wrong, and she
says something like “fine” or “nothing” it really means “I’m
pissed off at you and you have about twenty minutes to guess,
take responsibility say sorry ten times or your cut off for two
weeks.”
3) Why do women have to look at everything when they go
shopping? And then get mad at us when we don’t wanna go?
4) Why can’t we plain old quick hot monkey sex with a women,
instead of “making love”
5) Why can’t women accept the fact that lesbians are cool!
6) Why can’t women accept that when an attractive women walks by
with a low cut top and huge breasts we have no control over
staring at them!
7) Why can’t women get over the fact that when ever they ask
“how do I look”, and we say fine, we always have to say yes!
8) Sports are the ultimate escape for us guys who are no good at
them, let us watch them in peace or don’t expect us to go to a
ballet or opera.
9) If the toilet seat is up, do the logical thing and put it
down!
10) Don’t expect guys to like your dad or ex-boyfriend
11) Realize that guys are no too bright, so when we say we’re
fine we probably are. If you wanna know what is going on in a
guy’s mind it’s either the Smurfs theme music or some useless
sports stuff.
“WOMEN SEEKING MEN” Classifieds translationsLight drinker means: LushLooks younger means: If viewed from far away in bad lightLoves Travel means: If you’re paying
“WOMEN SEEKING MEN” Classifieds translationsSpiritual means: Involved with a cultStable means: BoringTall, thin means: Anorexic
Q. What’s the smartest thing ever to come out of a woman’s mouth????
A. Albert Einstein’s dick.
Why do men prefer women with big tits and tight pussies?
Because most men have big mouths and little dicks.
Observing the baby one night a wife found her husband standing over their baby’s crib.
Silently she watched him. As he stood looking down at the sleeping infant, she saw on his face a mixture of emotions: disbelief, doubt, delight, amazement, enchantment, skepticism.
Touched by this unusual display and the deep emotions it aroused, with eyes glistening she slipped her arm around her husband. “A penny for your thoughts,” she said.
“It’s amazing!” he replied. “I just can’t see how anybody can make a crib like that for only $46.50.”
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis