A woman rushes into her house one morning and yells to her husband,
“Sam, pack up your stuff. I just won the lottery!”
“Shall I pack for warm weather or cold?”
“Whatever. Just so you’re out of the house by noon!”
Yours Fun Portal !
A woman rushes into her house one morning and yells to her husband,
“Sam, pack up your stuff. I just won the lottery!”
“Shall I pack for warm weather or cold?”
“Whatever. Just so you’re out of the house by noon!”
On a transatlantic flight, a plane passed through a severe storm. The turbulence was very strong and things went from bad to worse when one wing of the plane was struck by lightning.
One woman in particular lost it. Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane.
‘I’m too young to die,’ she wails.
Then she yells,
‘Well, if I’m going to die I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable. I’ve had plenty of sex in my life, but no one has ever made me really feel like a woman. Well, I’m fed up with it. Is there anyone on this plane who can make me feel like a woman?’
For a moment there is silence.
Everyone has forgotten their own peril. They all stare riveted at the desperate woman in the front of the plane. Then a man stands up in the rear of the plane.
‘I can make you feel like a woman,’ he says.
He’s gorgeous. Tall, well built, with flowing black hair and jet black eyes, he starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt one button at a time.
No one moves.
The woman is breathing heavily in anticipation.
The stranger approaches. He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his chest as he reaches her, he extends his arm holding the shirt to the trembling woman and says.
‘Iron this.’
Three women were out golfing one day and one of them hit her ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.
The frog said to her,
‘If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes.’
The woman freed the frog and the frog said,
‘Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes. Whatever you wish for, your husband will get 10 times more or better.’
The woman said,
‘That would be OK,’ and for her first wish she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.
The frog warned her,
‘You do realize this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis, and that women will flock to him.’
The woman replied,
‘That will be OK because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will only have eyes for me.’
So, poof – she’s the most beautiful woman in the world.
For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.
The frog said,
‘That will make your husband the richest man in the world and he will be 10 times richer than you.’
The woman said,
‘That will be okay because what is mine is his and what is his is mine.’
So, poof – she’s the richest woman in the world.
The frog then inquired about her third wish and she answered,
‘I’d like a mild heart attack.’
A single man in his 40’s often has a problem finding women at his level of maturity. That’s why he dates someone half his age.
An old woman came into her doctor’s office and confessed to an embarrassing problem.
“I fart all the time, Doctor Johnson, but they’re soundless, and they have no odor. In fact, since I’ve been here, I’ve farted no less than twenty times. What can I do?”
“Here’s a prescription, Mrs. Harris. Take these pills three times a day for seven days and come back and see me in a week.”
Next week an upset Mrs. Harris marched into Dr. Johnson’s office.
“Doctor, I don’t know what was in those pills, but the problem is worse! I’m farting just as much, but now they smell terrible! What do you have to say for yourself?”
“Calm down, Mrs. Harris,” said the doctor soothingly.
“Now that we’ve fixed your sinuses, we’ll work on your hearing!!!”
One day Adam was strolling along and god looked down to speak to
Adam, but he noticed eve was not there with confused he looks at
Adam and says where has Eve gone Adam looks up at him and says I
think she went in the ocean god looks down at him and says
dammit Adam how are we gonna get the smell of the fish
Three men are sitting naked in the sauna. Suddenly there is a
beeping sound. The first man presses his forearm and the beeping
stops. The others look at him curiously.
“That’s my pager,” he says. “I have a microchip under the skin of
my arm.”
A few minutes later a phone rings. The second man lifts his palm
to his ear. When he finishes he explains, “That’s my mobile phone.
I have a microchip in my hand.”
The third man, feeling decidedly low-tech, steps out of the sauna.
In a few minutes he returns with a piece of toilet paper extending
from his ass. The others raise their eyebrows.
“I’m getting a fax,” he explains.
* On car trips with the family, never ask for directions when you’re lost… Just keep driving aimlessly around, searching for the mysterious Lost Street of the Damned. Navigate by the seat of your pants like the great Lewis and Clark explorers of old.
* But it’s okay to stop for directions when driving with another guy: because he won’t sit patiently as you pass the same McDonald’s for the third time.
* Inch forward at stoplights to keep up with the guys in the cars on both sides.: It’s all about who’s out in front.
* Even if you don’t know a hub cap from a distributor cap, never admit you’re a stranger to the male domain of auto mechanics…. If your car won’t run and you’re at a loss for words, try “Could be a cracked ring. Have you checked the compression?”
* A real man doesn’t need the instruction sheet to figure out something as simple as programming his new VCR: but to cook something as simple as oatmeal, a guy will follow the recipe with the exactitude of a chemical engineer.
* Don’t confess that you know little, and could care less, about a particular sport, especially if it’s during the finals…. “Yeah, that Bo, he’s really something. WOW!, did you see that hook shot!.”
* Never admit you don’t understand a political issue….Opinions are like whiskers. You’re not an adult male without them.
* There’s no need to consult the TV Guide when there’s a remote control handy: Just divebomb through all 51 channels, evading commercials like flak, in the never-ending search for a suitable landing spot.
* If you spill something on the floor, clean it up with a bath towel.: It’s unmanly to get down on the floor, so just slop the towel around with your feet.
* Never pay one of your buddies a compliment. Instead say things like “Where’d you get your haircut, the school for the blind?” or “Who is that awesome blonde I saw you with, and what are you going to do for a date once she meets me?”…He’ll instinctively get the message that this means you value his friendship.
* A man should make as much as or more money than his girlfriend or wife. He should be as tall or taller, and at least as smart. Naturally, he should be able to outplay her in many activity, from Ping-Pong to chess: Having met these requirements, he should be liberated enough to be unconcerned about such things.
* When you’re in the men’s room alone you needn’t wash your hands when you’re finished: but if another guy is in there with you, scrub your hands as if you were preparing for brain surgery.
* Never openly display a broken heart or discuss it with other guys: That’s between you, your six-pack and your collection of Frank Sinatra records.
* Don’t tell another man your deepest hopes or fears.: That’ s like saying, “How do you like my suit of armor” It’s only got two weak spots in it — here and here.”
* Every guy should be hip about guns.: Hand an economics professor a Remington, and even if he’s never been with 100 light years of a gun before, he’ll work the action, sight down the barrel and generally act like a reincarnation of Daniel Boone or Rambo.
* When shopping with your mate, do not trail her into the women’s lingerie department .: Stand clear of those racks of silk-and-lace panties like a mechanic would avoid the Whirling Fanblades of Death.
A baby was born that was so advanced that he could talk. He looked around the delivery room and saw the doctor.
“Are you my doctor?” he asked.
“Yes, I am.”
The baby said “Thank you for taking such good care of me during birth.”
He looked at his mother and asked, “Are you my mother?”
“Yes, I am,” she said.
“Thank you for taking such good care of me before I was born” he said. He then looked at his father and asked “Are you my father?”
“Yes, I am,” his father answered.
The baby motioned him close, then poked him on the forehead with his index finger 5 times, saying “I want you to know that THAT HURTS!”
Q. Why are women like screen doors?
A. Once they get banged a few times they loosen up.
A man who died in a horrible fire is taken to the coroner.
He thinks it might be a guy named George he met once, but the body is so badly burned that he needs somebody to make a positive identification.
That task falls to George�s two best friends, Joe and Al.
Joe comes over to the body and says, “He�s burned pretty bad, all right. Roll him over.”
Joe looks at the dead man�s butt and says, “Nope, that ain�t George.”
Thinking the incident strange, the coroner says nothing, and then brings in Al to examine the corpse.
Al takes a look at the body and says, “Wow, he�s burned to a crisp. Roll him over.”
Again, the same reply, “Nope, that ain�t George.”
“How can you tell?” asks the coroner.
“Poor George had two assholes,” explains Joe.
“What? How could he have two assholes?”
“Everybody knew George had two assholes. Whenever the three of us would go into town, everyone always said,
�Here comes George with those two assholes!� “
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by calamjo
Why do men resist becoming fathers?
Because they aren’t through yet being children.