Category: gender

What is that insensitive bit at the base of the penis called?

– The man.

Why is psychoanalysis quicker for men than for women?

– When it’s time to go back to childhood, he’s already there.

What do you call a handcuffed man?

– Trustworthy.

Why are men like commercials?

– You can’t believe a word they say.

Why are men like popcorn?

– They satisfy you, but only for a little while.

Why are men like blenders?

– You need one, but you’re not quite sure why.

Why do so many women fake orgasm?

– Because so many men fake foreplay.

Why are women so bad at mathematics?

– Because men keep telling them that this (make gap with thumb and forefinger) is 9 inches.

What’s the difference between a bar and a clitoris?

– Most men have no trouble finding a bar.

What’s a man’s definition of a romantic evening?

– Sex.

What is the only time a man thinks about a candlelight dinner?

– When the power goes off.

What do men and women have in common?

– They both distrust men.

How can you tell the difference between men’s real gifts and their guilt gifts?

– Guilt gifts are nicer.

What do you instantly know about a well-dressed man?

– His wife is good at picking out clothes.

How is a man like the weather?

– Nothing can be done to change either one of them.

What is the difference between a man and childbirth?

– One can be terribly painful and sometimes almost unbearable while the other is just having a baby.

Women dream of world peace, a safe environment, and eliminating hunger.

– What do men dream of? Being stuck in an elevator with the Doublemint twins.

What do you call a man who expects to have sex on the second date?

– Slow.

What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common?

– They’re married.

What do most men think Mutual Orgasm is?

– An insurance company.

Why don’t men often show their true feelings?

– Because they don’t have any.

Why do men have a hole in their penis?

– So oxygen can get to their brains.

What’s easier to make: a snowman or a snowwoman?

– A snowwoman is easier to make, ’cause with a snowman you have to hollow out the head and use all that extra snow to make its testicles.

What do you call a man with 99% of his brain missing?

– Castrated.

What’s the difference between government bonds and men?

– Bonds mature.

What’s the difference between a man and E.T.?

– E.T. phoned home.

A women has a doctor’s appt. and when she gets home she sees her husband of 20 years sitting on the couch. He notices a big smile on her face and asks her why she is so happy. She says “Well Honey I had a Doctor’s appt. today and he said I had the breasts of a 20 year old…….So that’s why I am so Happy!” The husband replies “What did he say about your 50 year old ass?” The wife quickly respondes “Actually Honey he never mentioned your name at all!”

Q: What’s the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
A: 45 lbs.
Q: What’s the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
A: 45 min.

Q: What is it when a man talks nasty to a woman?
A: Sexual Harassment

Q: What is it when a woman talks nasty to a man?
A: $3.99 a minute.

Q: How can you tell if your wife is dead?
A: The sex is the same, but the dishes pile up.

Q: How can you tell if your husband is dead?
A: The sex is the same, but you get the remote.

Q: What’s it called when a woman is paralyzed from the waist
down?
A: Marriage

Q: How many men does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, they just sit there in the dark and complain.

Q: What’s the fastest way to a man’s heart?
A: Through his chest with a sharp knife.

Q: What have men and floor tiles got in common?
A: If you lay them properly the first time, you can walk all
over them for life.

Q: Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive,
caring and good-looking?
A: Because those men already have boyfriends.

Q: Why are men like public toilets?
A: Because all the good ones are engaged and the only ones left
are full of crap.

Q: What is a man’s view of safe sex?
A: A padded headboard.

Q: How do men sort their laundry?
A: “Filthy” and “Filthy but wearable”

Q: What’s the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
A: After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

Q: What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
A: The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no
intention of driving.

Q: What do you call a smart blonde?
A: A golden retriever.

Q: Why do men want to marry virgins?
A: They can’t stand criticism.

Q: Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony?
A: The guy who can have a cup of coffee in each hand and still
carry a dozen donuts.

Q: Who is the most popular woman at the nudist colony?
A: The woman who ate the last donut.

Q: What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A: A battery has a positive side.

Q: Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive,
caring, and good-looking?
A: Because those men already have boyfriends.

Q: A brunette, a blonde and a redhead are all in third grade.
Who has the biggest breasts?
A: The blonde, because she’s 18.

Q: Do you know why they call it the Wonder Bra?
A: When you take it off you wonder where the breasts went.

Q: Do you know the punishment for bigamy?
A: Two mothers-in-law.

Q: Did you hear about the guy who finally figured out women?
A: He died laughing before he could tell anybody

I’ve finally decided to accept my weakness as a golfer.

From now on, I’m taking a picnic lunch and a blanket, and when I get in a sand trap I’m going to enjoy it!

There was a young couple living in a Nudist Colony when one day, their five year old son comes running up to his Mother.
“Hey Mommmy!”, said her son, “Those things that Women have on their chests..how come some are bigger and some are smaller?”

Thinking a moment his mother said, “Well son, the bigger they are the dumber the woman is.”

“oh”, said her son,”Well, what about those things men have between their legs? How come some of THEM are bigger and some are smaller?”

“Well son”, said the mother, “It’s just the opposite. The bigger they are the smarter the man is.”

Puzzled, the mother asked, “Why do you ask son?”

“Oh..well I just saw Daddy out back talkin’ to this REALLY dumb woman and he’s gettin smarter and smarter!”

15> She opened up a can of industrial strength whoop-heart. 14> She keyed the hood on my Corvette of love. 13> She roadkilled my heart on the grille-work of disdain. 12> Even my dual-range Sawzall 6527-21 couldn’t cut through her carbon-steel heart. 11> When her personality had its last tune-up, whoever did it set her carburetor’s bitch mixture waaaaay too rich. 10> I gave her three sets of 10 reps of affection curls. She gave me squat. 9> I tapped her love keg and just got foam. 8> Allegations that we were together for life were apparently sexed up by the British Defense Secretary. 7> The rust of rejection finally overcame the duct tape of desire. 6> She fried up a sizzlin’ slab o’ see ya later. 5> I thought I’d retained possession of her love, but upon further review that call was overturned. 4> I’ve relocated from Hummerville to Bummertown. 3> She got me a front-row ticket to WWF Dumpamania: Emotional Smackdown. 2> Our love car Earnhardted. 1> She called me off the mound and brought in the battery-powered reliever. [ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 2003 by Chris White ]

I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female driver cut right in front of a pickup truck, causing him to have to drive on the shoulder. This evidently pissed the driver off enough that he hung out his window and flipped the woman off. “Man, that guy is stupid” I thought to myself. I ALWAYS smile nicely and wave in a sheepish manner whenever a female does anything to me in traffic and here’s why. I drive 38 miles each way, every day, to work. That’s 76 miles, of these, 16 each way is bumper-to-bumper. Most of the bumper-to-bumper is on an 8 lane highway. So, if you just look at the 7 lanes I am not in, that means I pass something like a new car every 40 feet per lane. That’s 7 cars every 40 feet for 32 miles. That works out to be 982 cars every mile, or 31,424 cars. Even though the rest of the 34 miles is not bumper-to-bumper. I figure I pass at least another 4000 cars. That brings the number to something like 36,000 cars I pass every day. Statistically half of these are driven by females, that’s 18,000. In any given group of females, 1 in 28 are having the worst day of their period. That is 642. According to Cosmopolitan, 70% describe their love life as dissatisfying or unrewarding, that’s 449. According to the National Institutes of Health, 22% of all females have seriously considered suicide or homicide, that’s 98. And, 34% describe men as their biggest problem, that’s 33. According to the National Rifle Association, 5% of all females carry weapons, and the number is increasing. That means, that EVERY SINGLE DAY, I drive past at least one female that has a lousy love life, thinks men are her biggest problem, has seriously considered suicide or homicide, is having the worst day of her period, and is armed. No matter what she does in traffic, I wouldn’t DREAM of flipping her off.

What do a woman and a condom have in common?

They both spend too much time in your wallet and not enough time on your dick.

Q. Why do women close their eyes during sex?
A. They can’t stand to see a man having a good time.

THE DOCTOR, because he says “take your clothes off”

THE DENTIST, because he says, “open wide”

THE BANKER, because he says, “if you take it out too soon, you will lose interest”

THE MILKMAN, because he says, “do you want it in the front or in the back”

THE INTERIOR DECORATOR, because he says, “once its in you will love it”

THE HAIRDRESSER, because he says, “do you want it teased or blown”

A Woman’s Rule of Thumb:

If it has tires or testicles,
you’re going to have trouble with it.

Q. How is a man like a used car?
A. Both are easy to get, cheap and unreliable.