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A man goes to the doctor and says: “Doctor, there’s a piece of lettuce sticking out of my bottom.”
The doctor asks him to drop his trousers and examines him.
The man asks, “Is it serious, doctor?”
The doctor replies, “I’m sorry to tell you but this is just the tip of the iceberg.
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Q. What do you say to a woman who can suck an orange through a water hose?
A. Darling.
What do you call a cheap circumsision?
A rip off.
Grandpa is running around in the nursing home with his privates hanging out of his pants screaming, “My penis just died, my penis just died!”
The nurses calm him down, and he goes back to his room.
The next day, grandpa is running around again with his privates hanging out, so the nurse asks him, “I thought you said yesterday that your penis died. What happened?”
Grandpa replies, “Yes, it did… but today is the viewing!”
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
HONK, if you love Brittany Spears… Then drive your car into a tree!
Women’s English:
Yes = No
No = Yes
Maybe = No
I’m sorry = You’ll be sorry
We need = I want
It’s your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by
now.
Do what you want = You’ll pay for this later.
We need to talk = I need to complain.
Sure go ahead = I don’t want you to.
I’m not upset = Of course I’m upset, you moron!
You’re so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot.
You’re certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think
about?
Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs.
This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house.
I want new curtains = and carpeting, and furniture, and
wallpaper…..
Hang the picture there = NO, I mean hang it there!
I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep.
Do you love me? = I’m going to ask for something expensive.
How much do you love me? = I did something today you’re really
not going to like.
I’ll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good
game on TV.
Is my butt fat? = Tell me I’m beautiful.
You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me.
Are you listening to me!? = [Too late, you’re dead.]
Was that the baby? = Why don’t you get out of bed and walk him
until he falls asleep.
I’m not yelling! = Yes, I am yelling because I think this is
Important.
The same old thing = Nothing
Nothing = Everything
Everything = My PMS is acting up.
Nothing, really = It’s just that you’re such an asshole.
**********
Men’s English:
“I’m hungry” = I’m hungry.
“I’m sleepy” = I’m sleepy.
“I’m tired” = I’m tired.
“Do you want to go to a movie?” = I’d eventually like to have
sex with you.
“Can I take you out to dinner?” = I’d eventually like to have
sex with you.
“Can I call you sometime?” = I’d eventually like to have sex
with you.
“May I have this dance?” = I’d eventually like to have sex with
you.
“Nice dress!” = Nice cleavage!
“You look tense, let me give you a massage.” = I want to fondle
you.
“What’s wrong?” = I don’t see why your making such a big deal
about this.
“What’s wrong?” = What meaningless self-inflicted psychological
trauma are you going through now?
“What’s wrong?” = I guess sex tonight is out of the question.
“I’m bored.” = Do you want to have sex?
“I love you.” = Let’s have sex now.
“I love you, too.” = Okay, I said it… we’d better have sex now!
“Yes, I like the way you cut your hair.” = I liked it better
before.
“Yes, I like the way you cut your hair.” = $50 and it doesn’t
look that much different!
“Let’s talk.” = I am trying to impress you by showing you that I
am a deep person and maybe then you’d like to have sex with me.
“Will you marry me?” = I want to make it illegal for you to have
sex with other guys.
(while shopping) “I like that one better.” = Pick any freakin’
dress and let’s go home!
“I don’t think that blouse and that skirt go well together.” = I
am gay.
A woman and a man were involved in a car accident — it was a bad one. Both of their cars were totally demolished, but amazingly, neither of them were hurt.
After they crawled out of their cars, the woman said, “So, you’re a man — that’s interesting. I’m a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There’s nothing left, but fortunately we are both unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends, and live together in peace for the rest of our days.”
The man thoughtfully replied, “I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God!”
The woman continued, “And look at this, here’s another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn’t break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune.”
Then she handed the bottle to the man. The man nodded his head in agreement, opened it, and drank half the bottle. He then handed it back to the woman. The woman took the bottle, and immediately put the cork back in, and handed it back to the man.
In surprise, he asked, “Aren’t you having any?”
“No,” the woman replied, “I think I’ll just wait for the police…”
SELFISH GIRL:
Enters alone and locks the door, saying to the girls following that she
will be out in a minute. Leisurely pees. Remarks, adjusts clothes and
poses before mirror, keeping others squirming outside for an hour.
TIMID GIRL:
Turns on faucet full force. Backs up to toilet, raises dress and squats
quickly. Listens intently to learn if sound other than faucet can be heard.
CONCEITED GIRL:
Approaches toilet with undulating movements. Raises dress by finger tips.
Expression while peeing indicates such a lovely creature should not be
compelled to attend to such lowly duties. Farts silently and disdainfully.
HARDY GIRL:
Raises dress with a whoop. Scuttles across the floor beating other
occupant to toilet. Squats with great force, rattling windows and causing
breasts to bob up and down, hums lively tune, peeing in squirts to keep
time, farts loudly and with great glee.
DRUNKEN GIRL:
Wobbles to toilet. After several attempts manages to raise dress. Squats
on toilet with shrieks of laughter. Pees for a while, singing happy songs,
suddenly starts to sob broken heartedly as she realizes that she forgot to
pull down her pants. Continues peeing and sobbing.
SLOPPY GIRL:
Slip drops into toilet while squatting, never uses toilet paper. Drags her
business across the seat, getting seat wet. Never flushes toilet. Emerges
with back of skirt caught in her pants.
WORRIED GIRL:
Squats thoughtfully, counting days overdue on fingers. Uses toilet paper
and examines it carefully and hopefully. Peers into toilet before
flushing, resolving never to go to bed tight again.
THE “I DON’T CARE” GIRL:
Just squats and fires away.
STUBBORN GIRL:
Believes all public places are contaminated. Stands three feet in front of
toilet, backs up, takes careful aim and fires away, always misses, but
will try again.
Good girls blush during love scenes in a movie. Bad girls know
they could do it better.
Good girls loosen a few buttons when it’s hot. Bad girls make it
hot by loosening a few buttons.
Good girls only own one credit card and rarely use it. Bad girls
only own one bra and rarely use it.
Good girls pack their toothbrush. Bad girls pack their
diaphragms.
Good girls prefer the missionary position. Bad girls do too, but
only for starters.
Good girls say, “No.” Bad girls say, “When?”
Good girls think they’re not fully dressed without a strand of
pearls. Bad girls think they’re fully dressed with just a strand
of pearls.
Good girls wax their floors. Bad girls wax their bikini lines.
Good girls wear high heels to work. Bad girls wear high heels to
bed.
Q.
Why are men and spray paint alike?
A. One squeeze and they’re all over you.
Men are like…..Dry cleaners.
Most work fast and leave no ring.
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Glaci
Man is like an automobile. As it gets older, the differential starts slipping, and the U-joints get worn, causing the drive shaft to go bad. The transmission won’t go into high gear and sometimes has difficulty getting out of low. The cylinders get worn and lose compression, making it hard to climb the slightest incline.
When it is climbing, the tappets clatter and ping to the point where one wonders if the old bus will make it to the top. The carburetor gets fouled with pollutants and other matter, making it hard to get started in the morning.
It is hard to keep the radiator filled because of the leaking hose. The thermostat goes out, making it difficult to reach operating temperature. The headlights grow dim, and the battery need constant recharging.
But if the body looks good, we can keep it washed and polished, giving the impression it can compete with newer models and make one more trip down the primrose lane before the head gasket blows. Gentlemen, start your engines.