Category: gender

“Doctor,” the embarrassed man said, “I have a sexual problem. I can’t get it up for my wife anymore.”

“Mr. Thomas, bring her back with you tomorrow and let me see what I can do.”

So, the worried fellow returned with his wife the following day. The doctor greeted the couple and then said, “Please remove your clothes, Mrs. Thomas.”

The woman obliged and removed her clothing.

“Okay, now turn all the way around… Now, lie down please… Uh-huh, I see. Alright, you can put your clothes back on.”

While the woman was busy dressing herself again, the doctor took the husband aside. “You’re in perfect health,” he said to the man. “Your wife didn’t give me an erection either.”

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Yisman

A middle-aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she had a near death experience. Seeing God she asked, “Is my time up?” God said, “No you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live.” Upon hearing this, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face lift, liposuction and a tummy tuck. She even had someone change her hair color. Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it. She was released from the hospital but while crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by a car. Arriving in front of God, she demanded, “I thought you said I had another 43 years?! Why didn’t you pull me out of the path of that car?” God Replied, “Sorry, I didn’t recognize you!”

A man goes to the confessional. “Forgive me father, for I have sinned.”

“What is your sin, my child?” the priest asks back.

“Well,” the man starts, “I used some horrible language this week and I feel absolutely terrible.”

“When did you do use this awful language?” said the priest.

“I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like it was going to go over 250 yards, but it struck a phone line that was hanging over the fairway and fell straight down to the ground after going only about 100 yards.”

“Is that when you swore?”

“No, Father.” Said the man. “After that, a squirrel ran out of the bushes and grabbed my ball in his mouth and began to run away.”

“Is THAT when you swore?” asked the priest again.

“Well, no,” said the man, “You see, as the squirrel was running, an eagle came down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began to fly away!”

“Is THAT when you swore?” asked the amazed priest.

“No, not yet.” The man replied. “As the eagle carried the squirrel away in his claws, it flew towards the green. And as it passed over a bit of forest near the green, the squirrel dropped my ball.”

“Did you swear THEN?” asked the now impatient priest.

“No, because as the ball fell it struck a tree, bounced through some bushes, careened off a big rock, and rolled through a sand trap onto the green and stopped within six inches of the hole.”

“You missed the damn putt, didn’t you?” sighed the priest.

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by calamjo

Why don’t women have any brains?

Because they don’t have any testicles to put them in.

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Yisman

You’ve all heard that behind every great man is a woman, but you may not have heard that behind every great woman is some guy staring at her ass.

Q. What do old women have between their breasts that young
women don’t?
A. A bellybutton!

OBSERVATION:
If you kiss her, you are not a gentleman. If you don’t, you are not a man.

If you praise her, she thinks you are lying. If you don’t, you are good for nothing.

If you agree to all her likes, she is abusing. If you don’t, you are not understanding.

If you make romance, you are an ‘experienced man’. If you don’t you are half a man.

If you visit her too often, she thinks it is boring. If you don’t, she accuses you of double crossing.

If you are well dressed, she says you are a playboy. If you don’t, you are a dull boy.

If you are jealous, she says it’s bad. If you don’t , she thinks you do not love her.

If you attempt a romance, she says you didn’t respect her. If you don’t, she thinks you do not like her.

If you are a minute late, she complains it’s hard to wait. If she is late, she says that’s a girl’s way.

If you visit another, she accuses you of being a heel. If she is visited by another, ‘oh it’s natural, we are girls.

If you kiss her once in a while, she professes you are cold. If you kiss her too many, she yells that you are taking advantage.

If you fail to help her in crossing the street, you lack ethics. If you do, she thinks it’s just one of the man’s tactics.

If you stare at other, she accuses you of flirting. If she is stared by others, she says that they are just admiring.

If you talk, she wants you to listen. If you listen, she wants you to talk.

ANALYSIS:

These creatures So simple, So weak, So confusing

CONCLUSION:

It is a wonder that these “WOMEN” are able to survive in the world. All test results have indicated that “WOMEN” are irrational. Precaution is advised when handling them.

THINGY (thing-ee) n.
female: Any part under a car’s hood.
male: The strap fastener on a woman’s bra.

VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
female: Fully opening up one’s self emotionally to another.
male: Playing football without a helmet.

COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
female: The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one’s
partner.
male: Scratching out a note before suddenly taking off for a
weekend with the boys.

BUTT (but) n
female: The body part that every item of clothing manufactured
makes “look bigger.”
male: What you slap when someone’s scored a touchdown, home run,
or goal.
Also good for mooning.

COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n
female: A desire to get married and raise a family.
male: Not trying to pick up other women while out with one’s
girlfriend.

ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
female: A good movie, concert, play or book.
male: Anything that can be done while drinking

FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
female: An embarrassing by-product of digestion.
male: An endless source of entertainment, self-expression and
male bonding.

REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n
female: A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
male: A device for scanning through all 75 channels every 2 1/2
minutes.

I know I’m not going to understand women. I’ll never understand
how they can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your upper thigh, rip
the hair out by the root, and still be afraid of a spider.

1. In the company of feminists, coitus should be referred to as:
a) Lovemaking
b) Screwing
c) The pigskin bus pulling into tuna town

2. You should make love to a woman for the first time only after you’ve
both shared:
a) Your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship
b) Your blood-test results
c) Five tequila slammers

3. You time your orgasm so that:
a) Your partner climaxes first
b) You both climax simultaneously
c) You don’t miss Sports Update

4. Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is:
a) Healthy, creative love-play
b) Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend would ever agree to
c) Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend need ever find out about

5. Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you’ve just had sex with is:
a) The best part of the experience
c) The second best part of the experience
c) $100 extra

6. Your girlfriend says she’s gained five pounds in weight in the last
month. You tell here that it is:
a) No concern of yours
b) Not a problem – she can join your gym
c) A conservative estimate

7. Your think today’s sensitive, caring man is:
a) A myth
b) An oxymoron
c) A moron

8. foreplay is to sex as:
a) Appetizer is to entree
b) Priming is to painting
c) A queue is to an amusement park ride

9. Which of the following are you most likely find yourself saying
at the end of a relationship?
a) “I hope we can still be friends.”
b) “I’m not in right now. Please leave a message after the tone…”
c) “Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: You.”

10. A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate:
a) Probably needs a little more time before she can cope with that sort
of intimacy
b) Is uptight and a waste of time
c) Shouldn’t have sat next to you on the bus in the first place

If you answered ‘A’ more than 7 times, check your pants to make sure
you really are a man.

If you answered ‘B’ more than 7 times, check into therapy, you’re still
a little confused.

If you answered ‘C’ more than 7 times, call me up. Let’s go drinking.

A man is sitting quietly reading his paper one morning, peacefully enjoying himself, when his wife sneaks up behind him and whacks him on the back of his head with a huge frying pan. Man: ‘What was that for?’ Wife: ‘What was that piece of paper in your pants’ pocket with the name Marylou written on it?’ Man: ‘Oh honey, remember two weeks ago when I went to the horse races? Marylou was the name of one of the horses I bet on. ‘ The wife looked all satisfied, apologizes and goes off to work around the house. Three days later the man is once again sitting in his chair reading and she repeats the frying pan swatting. Man: ‘What the hell was that for this time?’ Wife: ‘Your horse called.’

A man goes to the doctor and says: “Doctor, there’s a piece of lettuce sticking out of my bottom.”

The doctor asks him to drop his trousers and examines him.

The man asks, “Is it serious, doctor?”

The doctor replies, “I’m sorry to tell you but this is just the tip of the iceberg.

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis