Yours Fun Portal !
A man was wandering around a fairground and he happened to see a fortune teller’s tent. Thinking it would be good for a laugh, he went inside and sat down.
“Ah…” said the woman, as she gazed into her crystal ball. “I see you are the father of two children.”
“That’s what you think,” said the man scornfully. “I’m the father of Three children.”
The woman grinned and said, “That’s what you think.”
40-ish. . . 48.
Adventurous… has had more partners than you ever will.
Athletic… flat-chested.
Average looking… ugly.
Beautiful… pathological liar.
Contagious smile… bring your penicillin.
Educated… college dropout.
Emotionally secure… medicated.
Feminist… fat ball-buster.
Free spirit. . . substance user.
Friendship first. . . trying to live down a reputation as a slut.
Fun… annoying.
Gentle… comatose.
Good listener… borderline autistic.
New-age… all body hair, all the time.
Old-fashioned … lights out, missionary position only.
Open-minded… desperate.
Outgoing. . . loud.
Passionate. . . loud.
Poet… depressive schizophrenic.
Redhead… shops in the Clairol section.
Rubenesque… grossly fat.
Romantic. . . looks better by candlelight.
Voluptuous… very fat.
Weight proportional to height… hugely fat.
Wants soul mate… one step away from stalking.
Widow… nagged first husband to death.
Young at heart… toothless crone.
Frank: “How old are you?”
Harold: “Twenty-six. But I don’t look it, do I?”
Frank: “No, but you used to!”
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
A woman comes out of the shower one morning. Her husband sneaks up behind her, grabs a hold of her breasts, and says ‘honey, if you firm these up a little bit you wouldn’t have to wear a bra quite as much.’ She was furious and didn’t speak to him for the rest of the week. The next week, as she comes out of the shower, he sneaks up behind her again, grabs a hold of her buttocks, and says ‘honey, if you firm these up a little bit, you wouldn’t have to wear a girdle quite as much. Well she was furious. Next morning, he comes out of the shower, and she sneaks up behind him, grasp a hold of his penis, and says ‘you know honey, if you firm this up a little bit, I wouldn’t have to see your brother quite as much!!!”
An airplane is about to crash into the sea, sure to leave no
survivors.
One of the stewardesses enters the cockpit asking the pilot,
“Make me feel like a woman for the last time.”
The pilot doesn’t hasitate for a second. He takes off his shirt
and says to the stewardess, “Go iron my shirt!”
A man makes a call to the police-
Man:
“Help!I’ve been robbed and my whife has been kidnapped!”
Operator:
“When did this happen?”
Man:
“About the middle of the night.”
Operator:
“Where did the burgalar enter?”
Man:
“I don’t know,could have been the door or the window.”
Operator:
“Did you lock everything?”
Man:
“Yes!Yes!But I don’t know how he got in and why he would take my
butiful,darling whife!”
Operator:
“What was the last thing she said to you?”
Man:
“Unnnnnn…..Oh! I remember! It was “Honey open the damn window
I’m burning up in here!”
Q. What do you do when the dishwasher won’t work?
A. Kick her in the ass.
Q. Why do women pay more attention to their appearance than improving
their minds?
A. Because most men are stupid, but few are blind.
Women with Big Tits…
..can get a taxi on the worst days
..have a neat place to carry spare change
..have always been the center of the arts (art)
..make jogging a spectator sport
..can keep a magazine dry while laying in the tub
..have more negotiating power (with men shorter than them)
..usually can find leftover popcorn after a movie
..can always carry a little extra
..always float better
..know where to look first for lost earrings
..rarely lack for a slow dance partner
..have a place to set their glasses when sitting in an armless recliner
Women with Little Tits…
..don’t cause a traffic accident every time they bend over in public
..always look younger
..find that dribbled food makes it to the napkin on their lap
..can always see their toes and shoes
..can sleep on their stomachs
..have no trouble sliding behind the wheel of small cars
..know that people can read the entire message on their t-shirts
..know that everything more than a handful is wasted
..can come late to a theater and not disrupt an entire aisle
..can take aerobic class without running the risk of knocking themselves out
There were 2 blondes and a brunette.
The first blonde said “I want to be smart.” POOF! She was a brunette.
The other one said the same thing.POOF! She was a Brunette too!
The Brunette said “I want to be dumb!” POOF! She was a man!
A guy walks into a bar and sits down. He starts dialing numbers… like a telephone… on his hand, then talking into his hand. The bartender walks over and tells him that this is a very tough neighborhood and he doesn’t need any trouble here.
The guy says, “You don’t understand. I’m very hi-tech. I had a phone installed in my hand because I was tired of carrying the cellular.”
The bartender says “Prove it.” The guy dials up a number and hands his hand to the bartender. The bartender talks into the hand and carries on a conversation.
“That’s incredible”, says the bartender…”I would never have believed it!”
“Yeah”, said the guy, “I can keep in touch with my broker, my wife, you name it. By the way, where is the men’s room?” The bartender directs him to the men’s room. The guy goes in and 5, 10, 20 minutes go by and he doesn’t return. Fearing the worst, given the neighborhood, the bartender goes into the men’s room.
There is the guy spread- eagle on the wall. His pants are pulled down and he has a roll of toilet paper up his butt. “Oh my god!” said the bartender. “Did they rob you? Are you hurt?”
The guy turns to him and says: “No, I’m ok… I’m just waiting for a fax.”
What do you get if you put your hand down a pyschic’s pants?
Your palm red once a month.
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Yisman