Category: gender

13> “And now, Miss West Virginia will sing ‘Wind Beneath My Wings,’ accompanied by her penis.”

12> “I completely fail to see what people find interesting about Oprah.”

11> When asked how she would help the world, she says “I’d get the Knicks a decent freakin’ point guard, fer chrissakes.”

10> “Here she is, Miss East Ger-man-yyy, …”

9> Asks everyone, “Does this bikini make my package look big?”

8> Meticulously coiffed hair? Check.

Swimsuit? Check.

Black socks and sandals? Uh oh.

7> “And now for my talent segment, I’m going to write my name in the snow.”

6> Gets lost backstage, then refuses to ask for directions.

5> There’s only one contestant who can carry a spare towel into the shower and still scrub Miss Norway’s back with both hands.

4> “If I could change one thing about the world, I’d like to have an all Three Stooges channel on cable.”

3> Measurements: 36, 26, 7, 36

2> Wake up call — 7:00am

Dressed and ready to go on stage — 7:12am

1> “Now there’s a nice touch: Miss Florida has pinned a tiny replica of her state on the front of her bikini bott– Oh, my dear lord in heaven….”

[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 2001 by Chris White ]

TWO TAMPONS WERE CROSSING THE STREET. THEY SEE A FRIEND. WHICH ONE WAVES?

NEITHER, THEY ARE BOTH STUCK UP CUNTS.

Here are a few problems and solutions you may encounter with
your wife.

Problem: Your wife wants more foreplay during sex, and you
arent really the man for the job.

Solution: Show up with 2 other girls in the bedroom and tell
her you didnt understand her, you thought she meant “four-play.”

********************
Problem: Shes always buying too many damn pairs of shoes.

Solution: On her birthday, paint a few of her existing shoes a
different color and wrap them up, that might keep your bank
account at more that 2 digits.

********************
Problem: Shes always drooling over some good-looking
celebrity like Brad Pitt, and she indirectly tells you that you
should be more like him.

Solution: Casually mention to her that Pamela Anderson Lee
looks so great with her breast implants, your wife probably will
never have tits as suculant as that, and it should shut her up
for a while.

********************
Problem: Shes into torture sex (whips, phone cord, handcuffs)
but its not what you think, she wants to torture YOU.

Solution: Check out as many Harry Houdini books at the library
as possible.

********************
Problem: During the night, without noticing it, your wife
takes more than her share of the blanket, and you’re always
feeling like a damn eskimo in the middle of the night, freezing
your ass off.

Solution: Slowly and carefully place the bathroom rug on top
of her while shes asleep. Then with your greatest stealth, pull
all of the blanket on your side for a good nights sleep.

I’ve been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog.

Two buddies are bull-shiting over a few beers when one of them says something that would be considered a Freudian slip. He also recalls his the last slip he had where he asked the gorgeous big breasted travel agent for two “Pickets to Titsburgh”.

His buddy says, yeah I know what you mean, last week while at breakfast with my wife, I meant to say, “honey please pass the milk”.

But what came out of my mouth was, “You Fucking Bitch, you ruined my Life”.

A fellow decides to take off early from work and go drinking.

He stays until the bar closes at 2am, at which time he is extremely drunk. When he enters his house, he doesn’t want to wake anyone, so he takes off his shoes and starts tip-toeing up the stairs. Half-way up the stairs, he falls over backwards and lands flat on his rear end.

That wouldn’t have been so bad, except that he had couple of empty pint bottles in his back pockets, and they broke, and the broken glass carved up his buttocks terribly.

But,he was so drunk that he didn’t know he was hurt. A few minutes later, as he was undressing, he noticed blood,so he checked himself out in the mirror, and, sure enough, his behind was cut up something terrible.

Well, he repaired the damage as best he could under the circumstances, and he went to bed.

The next morning, his head was hurting, and his rear was hurting, and he was hunkering under the covers trying to think up some good story, when his wife came into the bedroom.

“Well, you really tied one on last night,” she said. “Where’d you go?” “I worked late,” he said, “and I stopped off for a couple of beers.”

“A couple of beers? That’s a laugh,” she replied, “You got plastered last night. Where the heck did you go?”

“What makes you so sure I got drunk last night, anyway?”

“Well,” she replied, “my first big clue was when I got up this morning and found a bunch of band-aids stuck to the mirror.”

The blind date hadn’t been all that great and she was happy the nite was finally over. At her apartment door, he suddenly said “Hey ! You wantta see my underwear ?”

Before she could respond, he had dropped his pants, right there in the hall, revealing that he wasn’t wearing any.

She glanced down and said, “Nice pattern. But does it also come in men’s sizes ?”

THE MAN’S POINTS SYSTEM

For all you guys out there who just can’t figure it out, here it
is:

In the world of romance, one single rule applies: Make the woman
happy. Do something she likes & you get points. Do something she
dislikes & points are subtracted. You don’t get any points for doing
something she expects…Sorry, that’s the way the game is played.
Here is a guide to the point system:

SIMPLE DUTIES

You make the bed…+1 You make the bed, but forget to add the
decorative pillows…0 You throw the bedspread over rumpled
sheets…-1 You go out to buy her spring-fresh extra-light panty
liners with wings…+5 But return with beer …-5 You check out a
suspicious noise at night …0 You check out a suspicious noise and
it’s nothing…0 You check out a suspicious noise and it’s
something….+5 You pummel it with a six iron….+10 It’s her
father…-10 You leave the toilet seat up…-5 You replace the
toilet-paper roll when it’s empty…0 When the toilet-paper roll is
barren, you resort to Kleenex…-1 When the Kleenex runs out you
shuffle slowly to the next bathroom…-2

SOCIAL ENGAGEMENTS You stay by her side the entire party…0 You
stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college
drinking buddy…-2 Named Tiffany…-4 Tiffany is a dancer…-6
Tiffany has implants…-8

HER BIRTHDAY You take her out to dinner…0 You take her out to
dinner and it’s not a sports bar…+1 Okay, it is a sports bar…-2
And it’s all-you-can-eat night…-3 It’s a sports bar, it’s
all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colors of your
favorite team…-10

THOUGHTFULNESS You forget her birthday completely…-20 You forget
your anniversary…-30 You forget to pick her up at the bus
station…-45 Which is in Newark, New Jersey…-50 And the pouring
rain dissolves her leg cast…-60

A NIGHT OUT WITH THE BOYS Go out with a pal …-5 And the pal is
happily married …-4 Or frighteningly single …-7 And he drives a
Mustang…-10 With a personalized license plate (GR8 N BED) …-15
You have a few beers…-9 And miss curfew by an hour…-12 You miss
curfew by an hour and you didn’t call…-20 You get home at 3
am…-30 You get home at 3 am smelling of booze and cheap cigars
…-40 And not wearing any pants…-50 Is that a tattoo??…-200

HER NIGHT OUT You stay home while she goes out with her annoying
friend from work…+5 She goes out with her annoying work friends,
and she comes home real late…+10 You wait up…+15 She goes out,
comes home late and drunk, and you put her to bed…+20

A NIGHT OUT You take her to a movie…+2 You take her to a movie she
likes…+4 You take her to a movie you hate…+6 You take her to a
movie you like…-2 It’s called DeathCop
3…-3 Which features cyborgs having sex…-9 You lied and said it
was a foreign film about orphans…-15

FLOWERS You buy her flowers only when it’s expected…0 You buy her
flowers as a surprise, just for the hell of it…+20 You give her
wildflowers you’ve actually picked yourself…+30 And she contracts
Lyme disease…-25

YOUR PHYSIQUE You develop a noticeable potbelly…-15 You develop a
noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it…+10 You develop
a noticeable potbelly and resort to loose jeans and baggy Hawaiian
shirts…-30 You say “I don’t give a damn because you have one
too”….-800

FINANCES You spend a lot of money on something impractical…+5
Something she can’t use…+10 Such as a motorized model
airplane…-20 And you buy her a clock radio for her birthday…-40

DRIVING You let her tell you how to drive…+20 You let her mother
tell you how to drive…+40 You lost the directions on a trip…-4
You lost the directions and end up getting lost…-10 You end up
getting lost because you followed her directions …+10 You end up
getting lost in a bad part of town …-15 You get lost in a bad part
of town and meet the locals up close and personal…-25 You know
them…-60

THE BIG QUESTION She asks, “Do I look fat?”…-5 (Sensitive
questions always start with a deficit) You hesitate in
responding…-10 You reply, “Where?”…-35

COMMUNICATION When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen,
displaying what looks like a concerned expression…0 When she wants
to talk, you listen, for over 30 minutes….+5 You listen for more
than 30 minutes without looking at the TV…+10 She realizes this is
because you’ve fallen asleep…-20

Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?

Breasts don’t have eyes.

There are two old ladies sitting on a park bench. A man jumps out of the bushes and flashes at them.

One of the ladies has a stroke , sadly the other one couldn’t reach!

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis

1. Nothing says ‘I love you’ like a blowjob in the morning.

2. Learn to work the toilet seat: if it’s up put it down.

3. Don’t cut your hair. Ever.

4. He’s never thinking about “The Relationship.”

5. Sunday = Sports. It’s like the full moon or the changing of
the tides. Let it be.

6. Anything you wear is fine. Really.

7. You have enough clothes.

8. You have too many shoes.

9. Crying is blackmail. Use it if you must, but don’t expect us
to like it.

10. Your brother is an idiot, your ex-boyfriend is an idiot and
your Dad probably is too.

11. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers.

12. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a
doctor.

13. Nothing says ‘I love you’ like a blowjob in the morning.

14. Don’t give us 50 rules when 25 will do.

15. Don’t fake it. We’d rather be ineffective than deceived.

16. It is neither your interest nor ours to take the quiz
together.

17. Anything we said 6 or 8 months ago is inadmissible in an
argument. All comments become null and void after 7 days.

18. If you don’t dress like the Victoria’s Secret girls, don’t
expect us to act like soap opera guys.

19. Let us ogle. If we don’t look at other women, how can we
know how pretty you are?

20. Don’t rub the lamp if you don’t want the genie to come out.

21. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say
during commercials.

22. Christopher Columbus didn’t need directions, and neither do
we.

23. Women wearing Wonderbras and low-cut blouses lose their
right to complain about having their boobs stared at.

24. When we’re turning the wheel and the car is nosing onto the
off-ramp, you saying, “This is our exit,” is not strictly
necessary.

25. Nothing says ‘I love you’ quite like a blowjob in the
morning.

This man goes along to the Patent Office with some of his new designs.
He says to the clerk, “I’d like to register my new invention. It’s a folding bottle.”

“OK,” says the clerk. “What do you call it?”
“A fottle, replies the inventor.”
“A fottle? That’s a stupid! Can’t you think of something else?”

“I can think about it. I’ve got something else though. It’s a folding carton.”
“And what do you call that?” asks the clerk.

“A farton”, replies the inventor.
“That’s rude. You can’t possibly call it that!”

“In that case,” says the inventor…
“You’re really going to hate the name of my folding bucket.”

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis