Category: gender

To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot & love him a little. To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot & not try to understand her at all. Married men live longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die. Any married man should forget his mistakes-there’s no use in two people remembering the same thing.

Q. How can you tell a woman is wearing pantyhose?
A. Her ankles swell up when she farts.

Two deaf people get married. During the first week of marriage,
they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom
when they turn off the lights because they can’t see each other
using sign language.

After several nights of fumbling around and misunderstandings,
the wife decides to find a solution.

‘Honey,’ she signs, ‘Why don’t we agree on some simple signals?
For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach
over and squeeze my left breast one time. If you don’t want to
have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast one time.’

The husband thinks this is a great idea and signs back to his
wife, ‘Great idea, Now if you want to have sex with ME, reach
over and pull on my penis one time.’

‘If you don’t want to have sex, reach over and pull on my
penis……….fifty times’

Two guys of limited intelligence were on a ship that sank in the middle of the ocean. They managed to inflate a rubber life raft and grab a box of provisions before their ship slipped below the surface. After floating under blazing heat for 6 days they ran out of food and water. On the 10th day, bleary eyed and half dead from heat, thirst and starvation, they spotted a small object floating toward them in the water.

As it drew near, they were ecstatic to find that it was an oil lamp(the kind the genies come in). They grabbed the lamp and rubbed it.”POOF” out popped a tired old genie who said…

“OK, so you freed me from this stupid lamp, yadda, yadda, yadda. Buthey, I’ve been doing this 3 wishes stuff for a long time now and quitefrankly, I’m burned out. You guys get only ONE wish and then I’m OUTTA here. Make it a good one”.

The first guy, without hesitation or thought blurted out, “Give us all the beer we can drink for the rest of our lives!!!”

“Fine,” said the genie, and he instantly turned the entire ocean into beer.

“Great move Einstein!” said the second guy, slapping the first guy in the head. “NOW we’re gonna have to pee in the BOAT!”

Guy down the pub talking to his mate

Guy: I want to buy my wife a watch for her birthday.

Mate: Why? Hasn’t the oven got a clock?

If a man talking dirty to a woman is sexual harassment, what do you call a woman talking dirty to a man?
$3.99 a minute!

Due to the complexity and level of difficulty, each course will accept a maximum of eight participants. 1. How to fill ice-cube trays. Step by step with slide presentation. 2. Lavatory paper rolls: Do they grow on the holders? Roundtable discussion. 3. Differences between the laundry basket and the floor. Pictures and graphics. 4. The after-dinner dishes and silverware: Can they levitate and fly into kitchen sink? Examples on video. 5. Loss of identity: Losing the remote to your significant other. Help line and support groups. 6. Learning how to find things, starting with looking in the right place instead of turning the house upside down while screaming. Open forum. 7. Health watch: Bringing her flowers is not harmful to your health. Graphics and audio tape. 8. Real men ask for directions when lost. Real-life testimonials. 9. Is it genetically impossible to sit quietly as she parallel parks? Driving simulation. 10. Learning to live: Basic differences between mother and wife. Online class and role playing. 11. How to be the ideal shopping companion. Relaxation exercises, meditation and breathing techniques. 12. How to fight cerebral atrophy: Remembering birthdays, anniversaries, other important dates and calling when you’re going to be late. Cerebral shock therapy sessions and full lobotomies offered.

Girl Lingo:

The Franklin Factor: Early to bed and early to rise means it’s time to meet more guys.

The Rat Race: If there’s one rat in a room full of nice men, he’ll hit on you first.

The Eyeglass Prescription: Don’t wear your glasses on a blind date. You’ll look better, and he will too.

The Ring Rule: A watched telephone never rings.

The Creep Call: Never pick up the phone on Saturday night. It’s a call from a creep you told you were busy.

The Fishing Forecast: They say there are lots of good fish in the sea. But who wants to go out with a fish?

The Psychological Prognosis: Love is a form of temporary insanity curable by marriage.

The Rope Trick: Give a man enough rope and he’ll lasso another woman.

Mind Over Matter: No one ever falls in love with another person’s mind at a cocktail party.

The Fault Finder: The faster way to discover all your bad habits is to move in with your lover.

The Unintended Result: 1) Men’s desire for sex sometimes results in intimacy; 1a) Men often go looking for sex and end up finding love; 2) Women’s desire for intimacy often results in sex; 2a) Women often go looking for love and end up finding only sex.

The Rabbit Rule: Only newlyweds and liars make love every day.

The Dangle Doctrine: You can’t keep a good man down.

Twain’s Truth: Familarity breeds children.

The Fertility Factor: Women are only fertile a few days each month, unless they’re single.

The Preparation Predicament: The longer you spend in the bathroom preparing for sex, the more likely he’s fallen asleep by the time you’re ready.

you are so ugly that your momma has to tie a t-bone steak around your neck just to get the dog to play with you!

1. Men are like department stores…
they should always have their clothes half off.

2. Men are like vacations…
they never seem to last long enough.

3. Men are like chocolate bars…
sweet, smooth, and they usually head right for your hips.

4. Men are like coolers…
load them with beer and you can take them anywhere.

5. Men are like coffee…
the best ones are rich, warm, and can keep you up all night.

6. Men are like horoscopes…
they always tell you what to do and they are usually wrong.

7. Men are like plungers…
they spend most of their lives in a hardware store and the rest they
spend in the bathroom.

8. Men are like cement…
after getting laid, it takes them a long time to get hard.

Q: How do you scare a man?A: Sneak up behind him and start throwing rice.

What does a woman and a hurricane have in common?

When they cum they’re wet and wild. And when they leave, they take your
house and your car.