Category: gender

What’s the difference between your wife and your job?

After 5 years your job will still suck.

She stops reading Glamour and starts reading Guns and Ammo.

She considers chocolate a major FDA food group.

She puts on one of those pads with “wings,” then flies off the roof laughing hysterically while riding a broom.

She’s developed a new talent for spinning her head around in 360 degree circles.

She retains more water than Lake Superior.

She denies she’s in a bad mood as she pops a clip into her semiautomatic and “chambers one.”

She buys you a new T-shirt—–with a bulls-eye on the front.

You ask her to please pass the salt at the dinner table and she says,”All I ever do is give, give, give! AM I SUPPOSED TO DO EVERYTHING?”

She enrolls in the Lizzie Borden School of Charm.

She orders 3 Big Macs, 4 large fries, a bucket of Chicken McNuggets, and then mauls the manager because they’re out of Diet Coke.

One day, Pete complained to his friend, “My elbow really hurts. I guess I should see a doctor.”

His friend said, “Don’t do that. There’s a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor.

Simply put in a sample of your urine, and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about and it will only costs you $10.00.”

Pete figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00.

The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause, out popped a small slip of paper which read:

1. You have tennis elbow.
2. Soak your arm in warm water, avoid heavy labor.
3. It will be better in two weeks…….

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this computer could be fooled.

He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction.

He went back to the drug store, located the computer, poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00. The machine again made the usual noises, flashed its alights, and printed out the following analysis:

1. Your tap water is too hard.
2. Get a water softener.
3. Your dog has ringworm.
4. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
5. Your daughter is using cocaine.
6. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic.
7. Your wife is pregnant ……. twin girls. They aren’t yours. Get a lawyer.
8. And if you don’t stop masturbating, your elbow will never get better….

“WOMEN SEEKING MEN” Classifieds translationsRedhead means: Shops on the Clairol aisleReliable means: FrumpyReubenesque means: You can figure this one outRomantic means: Looks better by candle light

Why coeldn’t Helen Keller drive???

Because she was a woman!!

Joe, a successful man by most standards, began to be bothered by some incredible headaches.

When both his professional life and love life started to suffer, he sought medical help. After being referred from one specialist to another, he finally came across a doctor who claimed he could solve the problem.

“The good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine. The pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles,” said the doctor.

Joe was shocked and depressed, but decided he had no choice but to accept the operation.

He left the hospital wearing a diaper under his clothing, but his mind was clear and no headache.

As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He decided then and there that he could make a new beginning and live a more fulfilling life.

As he walked past a men’s clothing store, he thought, “That’s what I need, a new suit.” Joe entered the shop and told the salesman: “I’d like to see some of your suits.”

The salesman eyed him briefly and said, “Let’s see . . . size 44 long.”

Joe laughed, “That’s right, how did you know?”

“It’s my job,” replied the salesman. Joe tried on the suit and it fit perfectly.

As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, “How about a new shirt?”

Joe thought for a moment and said, “Sure . . ”

The salesman eyed Joe and said, “Let’s see . . . .34 sleeve and 17 neck.”

Joe was surprised, “That’s right, how did you know?”

It’s my job,” said the salesman. Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly.

As Joe looked in the mirror and adjusted the collar, the salesman asked, “How about new shoes?”

Joe was on a roll, so he said, “Sure . . . ”

The salesman eyed Joe’s feet and said, “Let’s see. . 9 Wide.”

Joe was astonished, “That’s right, how did you know?”

“It’s my job,” said the salesman. Joe was feeling great, when the salesman asked, “How about some new underwear?”

Joe thought for a second, and said, “Sure . . . ”

The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe’s waist and said, “Let’s see … size 36.” Joe laughed and said, “No, I’ve worn size 34 since I was 18 years old.”

The salesman shook his head and said, “You shouldn’t wear a size 34. Eventually it will press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.”

Submitted by Glaci
Edited by Yisman and calamjo

Women:

Car Parking:

The smallest kerbside space successfully reversed into by a woman, was one of 19.36m equivalent to three standard parking spaces, by Mrs. Caroline Wizz (GB) driving an unmodified Vauxhall Nova Swing on 12th October 1993. She started the manoeuvre at 11:15am in Ropergate, Pontefract and successfully parked within three feet of the pavement, 8 hours 14mins later. There was slight damage to the bumpers and wings of her own and the two adjoining cars, as well as shop frontage and two lampposts.

Incorrect Driving:

The longest journey completed with the handbrake on, was one of 313 miles from Stranraer to Hollyhead, by Dr. Julie Thorn, at the wheel of a Saab 900 on 2nd April 1987. Dr. Thorn smelled burning two miles into her journey at Aird, but pressed on to Hollyhead with smoke billowing from the rear wheels. This journey also holds the records for the longest completed with the choke fully out and the right indicator flashing.

Video Lesbianism:

The longest period of time that two women in a pornographic film have sat together on a settee without starting to fondle each other is 8.3 secs, in the 1994 low budget production ‘Strap on Sally vol.3’. The longest a woman has sat alone on the settee without starting to fondle herself is 5.2 secs. in the same film.

Traffic Light Cosmetics:

The longest spell spent oblivious to traffic lights whilst applying make up was one of 1hr 51mins 38secs. by Miss J. Dobson at a road junction in the centre of Preston on the 1st August 1975. Miss Dobson, a piano teacher, beautified herself through 212 cycles of the light, creating a tailback of irate motorists stretching 28 miles towards Leeds.

Group Toilet Visit:

The record for the largest group of women to visit a toilet similtaniously is held by 147 workers at the dept. of Social Security, Long Benton. At their annual celebration at a nightclub in Newcastle upon Tyne on 12th Oct 1994. Mrs. Beryl Crabtree got up to go to the toilet and was immediately followed by 146 other members of the party. Moving amass the group entered the toilet at 9:52pm and after waiting for everyone to finish, emerged 2hrs 37mins later.

Men:

Expletives:

On 9th june 1996, Mr. Harold Brayson (GB) struck his thumb with a stone masons mallet whilst breaking concrete in his back yard in Tewksbury, Gloucestershire. He went on to swear for 14mins 7secs. without stopping once or repeating a swear word. He later attemped to better this feat on BBC TV’s Record Breakers programme by dropping a car battery on his foot. It ended in failure when he repeated the word bastard after 12mins 58secs.

Beer Drinking:

The greatest amount of beer drunk before going to the lavatory was 25.5 litres (45 pints) of assorted weak lagers, by Mr. George Wingfield downed in various pubs in Knutsford high street, Cheshire between 12:15pm and 2:38pm on 22nd December 1986.

Urinating:

The longest piss delivered at one continuous scoot was one of 36 mins 24secs by Mr George Wingfield (GB) in the doorway of a newsagents shop in Knutsford high street on 22nd December 1986. Mr Wingfield was arrested and charged with a public order offence 17 mins into his record attempt, but arresting officers had to wait a further 19mins 24sec before taking him back to the station for a kicking.

Hottest Curry Eaten:

Many claims are made about the ferocity of curries eaten, but in the main they are difficult to substanciate. The hottest verifiable curry eaten was a XXXHot Chicken Murg Thaal with extra chillies consumed by George Wingfield (GB) at the Bengal Tiger Restaurant, Knutsford on 23rd December 1986. The curry was reportedly so hot that between kitchen and table it burst into flames, singeing the waiters eyebrows.

Biggest Fart:

The largest and most catastrophic fart was one dropped by Mr. George Wingfield (GB) in the car park of the Dog and Duck, Knutsford, on the morning of the 24th December 1986. Suffering from terrible guts Mr. Wingfield gingerly attempted to squeeze one out whilst bending to pick up his car keys, but the resulting flatulant explosion blew his entire digestive tract out of his arse. Attending firemen hosed down his smoking guts for two hours before paramedics with breathing aparatus could begin the process of pushing them back up.

Holiday Gymnastics:

The greatest number of press-ups done in front of some girls on a beach is 6 by Wayne Fletcher (GB) whilst on holiday in San Antonio, Ibiza on 19th August 1988. The girls went off with a waiter.

Loudest Car Stereo:

The Saisho stereo fitted in the Mk.II Escort belonging to Wayne Fletcher (GB) reached a momentary peak noise level of 312dB whilst waiting at some traffic lights next to some girls in Stockport, Cheshire on 8th July 1988. This noise level is equivalent to 8 Concordes taking off inside the car. The girls walked off.

Car Customisation:

Judged as a proportion of the overall value of the car, the accessories fitted to the Mark II Escort of Wayne Fletcher (GB) add up to the world’s most expensive car customisation project at 105761%. Between 8th March 1986 and 22nd September 1996, Fletcher has spent a grand total of $63,456.99 at the Stockport branch of Halfords in attempt to attract girls to his vehicle. His fruitless purchases include a Paddy Hopkirk Full Body Styling Kit ($3500), ‘Nightrider’ style Disco Stop Lights ($199), Split 45 Weber Carburettors x4 ($200), Scorpion Talking Alarm, ($500) and a Cromium plated Mock Twin Exhaust Extension ($285). The car is currently valued at $50 to $60.

Longest Wheel Spin:

The greatest length of time a car has screeched its wheels to impress some girls was achieved on 9th July 1988 by Wayne Fletcher (GB) in his Mark II Escort. When traffic lights in Stockport, Cheshire turned green Fletcher attempted to pull off at such speed that his front wheels spun for an amazing 42 secs before the car began to move. Both tyres fell to pieces and the clutch dropped out twenty yards down the road. The girls walked off.

Some of the girls might say:

– God created men before women because you always make a rough
draft before a masterpiece.

– Do you believe in love at first sight or do you need me to
walk by you again?

– Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful, hate me because your
boyfriend thinks so.

– Sex is like pringles, once you pop you can’t stop!

– God loves stupid people. That’s why he made so many.

– Only good girls go to heaven & I wasn’t invited (heh).

– Children in the dark cause accidents, accidents in the dark
cause children!

– It’s not the size of the boat, it’s the motion in the ocean.

– I might not be Fred Flintstone, but I sure can make your
bedrock.

– I have PMS and a gun, now what were you saying?

Some of the guys might say:

– MY dick is bigger than your bonner.

– Luvs a sensation caused by temptation. A guy stix his location
in a girls destination 2 increase the population 4 the next
generation-do you understand my explanation or do you need a
demonstration?

– I wish I could live like Donald Duck, pants suck.

– A peach is a peach, a plum is a plum, a kiss isn’t a kiss
without some tongue, so open your mouth & close your eyes & give
your mouth some exercise!

– Don’t drink & drive. You might hit a bump & spill your beer.

– God gave me a brain & a penis and only enough blood to run one
at a time.

– If guys had their period, we’d probably brag about the size of
our tampons.

The Differences:

HIM:
1. Pull up to ATM
2. Insert card
3. Enter PIN number and account
4. Take cash, card and receipt
HER:
1. Pull up to ATM
2. Check makeup in rearview mirror
3. Shut off engine
4. Put keys in purse
5. Get out of car b/c you’re too far from machine
6. Hunt for card in purse
7. Insert card
8. Hunt in purse for tampon wrapper with PIN number written on it
9. Enter PIN number
10. Study instructions for at least 2 minutes.
11. Hit “cancel”
12. Re-enter correct PIN number
12A Hit “cancel”
12B Call husband to get correct PIN number
13. Check balance
14. Look for envelope
15. Look in purse for pen
16. Make out deposit slip
17. Endorse checks
18. Make deposit
19. Study instructions
20. Make cash withdrawal
21. Get in car
22. Check makeup
23. Look for keys
24. Start car
25. Check makeup
26. Start pulling away
27. STOP
28. Back up to machine
29. Get out of car
30. Take card and receipt
31. Get back in car
32. Put card in wallet
33. Put receipt in checkbook
34. Enter deposits and withdrawals in checkbook
35. Clear area in purse for wallet and checkbook
36. Check makeup
37. Put car in gear, reverse
38. Put car in drive
39. Drive away from machine
40. Travel 3 miles
41. Release parking brake

Q: Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good
looking?

A: They already have boyfriends.

Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his fellow partygoers.

Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

It is ok for a man to cry under the following circumstances:
a. When a heroic dog dies to save it’s master
b. The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse
c. After wrecking your boss’ Ferrari
d. One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into The Crying Game

Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.

Acceptable excuse for not helping a friend move: Your legs have been severed in a freak threshing accident.

If you’ve known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever, unless you actually marry her.

The minimum amount of time you have to wait for a guy who’s running late is 5 minutes. Maximum.

Complaining about the brand of free beer in a buddy’s fridge is forbidden. Gripe at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. (in fact, even remembering your buddy’s birthday is strictly optional).

When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may always ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who’s playing.

It is permissible to quaff a fruity chick drink only when you’re sunning on a tropical beach….and it’s delivered by a topless supermodel…and it’s free.

Unless you’re in prison, never fight naked.
Friends don’t let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.
If a man’s zipper is down, that’s his problem—you didn’t see nothin’.

Women who claim they “love to watch sports” must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to pick a buffalo wing clean.

You must offer heartfelt and public condolences over the death of a girlfriend’s cat, even if it was you who secretly set it on fire and threw it into a ceiling fan.

Never join your girlfriend or wife in dissing a buddy of yours, except if she’s withholding sex pending your response.

Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing: both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.

You cannot rat out a coworker who shows up at work with a massive hangover. You may however, hide the aspirin, smear his chair with limburger cheese, turn the brightness dial all the way down so he thinks his monitor is broken, and have him paged over the loudspeaker every seven minutes.

Finally…Always split aces and eights. No arguments!

AGE DRINK

17 Wine Coolers

25 White wine

35 Red wine

48 Dom Perignon

66 Shot of Jack Daniel’s with a Napkin chaser

AGE EXCUSES FOR REFUSING DATES

17 Need to wash my hair

25 Need to wash and condition my hair

35 Need to color my hair

48 Need to have Stefan color my hair

66 Need to have Stefan color my wig

AGE FAVORITE SPORT

17 shopping

25 shopping

35 shopping

48 shopping

66 shopping

AGE DEFINITION OF A SUCCESSFUL DATE

17 “McDonalds”

25 “Free meal”

35 “A diamond”

48 “A bigger diamond”

66 “Home Alone”

AGE FAVORITE FANTASY

17 tall, dark and handsome

25 tall, dark and handsome with money

35 tall, dark and handsome with money and a brain

48 a man with hair

66 a man

AGE WHAT’S THE IDEAL AGE TO GET MARRIED

17 17

25 25

35 35

48 48

66 66

AGE IDEAL DATE

17 He offers to pay

25 He pays

35 He cooks breakfast the next morning

48 He cooks breakfast the next morning for the kids

66 He can chew breakfast