Category: gender

60 Things Not to Say to a Naked Guy

1. I’ve smoked fatter joints than that.

2. Ahh, it’s cute.

3. Who circumcised you?

4. Why don’t we just cuddle?

5. You know they have surgery to fix that.

6. It’s more fun to look at.

7. Make it dance.

8. You know, there’s a tower in Italy like that.

9. Can I paint a smiley face on that?

10. It looks like a night crawler.

11. Wow, and your feet are so big.

12. My last boyfriend was 4” bigger.

13. It’s ok, we’ll work around it.

14. Is this a mild or a spicy Slim Jim?

15. Eww, there’s an inch worm on your thigh.

16. Will it squeak if I squeeze it?

17. Oh no, a flash headache.

18. (giggle and point)

19. Can I be honest with you?

20. My 8-year-old brother has one like that.

21. Let me go get my tweezers.

22. How sweet, you brought incense.

23. This explains your car.

24. You must be a growing boy.

25. Maybe if we water it, it’ll grow.

26. Thanks, I needed a toothpick.

27. Are you one of those pygmies?

28. Have you ever thought of working in a sideshow?

29. Every heard of clearasil?

30. All right, a treasure hunt!

31. I didn’t know they came that small.

32. Why is God punishing you?

33. At least this won’t take long.

34. I never saw one like that before.

35. What do you call this?

36. But it still works, right?

37. Damn, I hate baby-sitting.

38. It looks so unused.

39. Do you take steroids?

40. I hear excessive masturbation shrinks it.

41. Maybe it looks better in natural light.

42. Why don’t we skip right to the cigarettes?

43. Oh, I didn’t know you were in an accident.

44. Did you date Lorena Bobbitt?

45. Aww, it’s hiding.

46. Are you cold?

47. If you get me real drunk first.

48. Is that an optical illusion?

49. What is that?

50. I’ll go get the ketchup for your french fry.

51. Were you neutered?

52. It’s a good thing you have so many other talents.

53. Does it come with an air pump?

54. So this is why you’re supposed to judge people on personality.

55. Where are the puppet strings?

56. Your big gun is more like a BB gun.

57. Look, it fits my Barbie clothes.

58. Never mind, why bother.

59. Is that a second belly button?

60. Where’s the rest of it?

A travelling salesman was about to check in at a hotel when he noticed a very charming bit of femininity giving him the eye.

In a casual manner he walked over and spoke to her as though he had known her all his life. Both walked back to the desk and registered as Mr. and Mrs.

After a three-day stay he walked up to the desk and informed the clerk that he was checking out. The clerk presented him with his bill for $1600.

“There is a mistake here,” he protested. “I have been here only three days.”

“Yes,” replied the clerk, “But your wife has been here a month.”

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Yisman

Seems God was just about done creating the universe, had a couple of left-over things left in his bag of creations, so he stopped by to visit Adam and Eve in the Garden.
He told the couple that one of the things he had to give away was the ability to stand up and pee. “It’s a very handy thing,” God told the couple who he found hanging around under an apple tree. “I was wondering if either one of you wanted that ability.”

Adam popped a cork. Jumped up and begged, “Oh, give that to me! I’d love to be able to do that! It seems the sort of thing a Man should do. Oh please, oh please, oh please, let me have that ability. I’d be so great! When I’m working in the garden or naming the animals, I could just let it rip, I’d be so cool. Oh please God let it be me who you give that gift to, let me stand and pee, oh please….” On and on he went like an excited little boy (who had to pee).

Eve just smiled and shook her head at the display. She told God if Adam really wanted it so badly, and it sure seemed to be the sort of thing that would make him happy, she really wouldn’t mind if Adam were the one given the ability to stand up and pee. And so it was. And it was… well, good.

“Fine,” God said, looking back into his bag of left-over gifts. “What’s left here? Oh yes, multiple orgasms…”

Whats the difference between a snowman and a snowoman?
snowballs!

Etiquette and Behavior:
EB101: PMS (Preposterous Mood Swings) -Learning To Sleep Over At Mother’s
EB102: We Do Not Want Ties For Christmas
(Just Wear The Sexy Lingerie I Gave You)
EB103: How Not To Sob Like A Sponge When Your Husband Is Right
EB104: Why It Is Unacceptable To Talk About Feminine Hygiene In Mixed Company
EB105: If You Want To Know How That Looks On You, Ask Your Mother
EB106: How To Act Younger Than Your Mother
EB107: Apologizing For Farting When You’re On The Toilet Is Not Necessary

General Electives:
GE101: You, The Whining Sex
GE102: Why You Don’t Need To Invite Your Mother Over Every Weekend
GE103: Payday And Shopping Are Not Synonymous
GE104: Female Friendship – Why Your Best Friends Are Not The Women Who Complain About You The Most
GE105: Learning To Appreciate Beer Belly And Lard Butt Morphologies Of Men

Home Economics:
HE101: You Can Change The Oil Too
HE102: How To Properly Fill A Beer Mug
HE103: How To Do All Your Laundry In One Load And Have More Time To Watch Football
HE104: How To Encourage Your Husband To Cook More And Be Able To Stomach His Slop
HE105: Get A Life – Learn To Kill Spiders Yourself
HE106: How To Close The Garage Door
HE107: How To Close The Top On The Toothpaste
HE108: How to Drive a Nail Without Breaking One
HE109: Why Going To The Bathroom Is Not A Group Activity
HE110: Overcoming “The Imelda Syndrome” (formerly called “How Many Feet Do You Have, Anyway?”)

Interpersonal Relationships:
IR101: Understanding The Female Causes Of Male Drunkenness
IR102: If You Don’t Want An Excuse, Don’t Demand An Explanation
IR103: Romanticism – The Whole Point Of Caviar, Candles, And Conversation
IR104: Why Men Enjoy Grocery Shopping About As Much As Women Enjoy Watching “The Three Stooges”
IR105: Marriage – The Number One Cause Of Divorce

Life Skills:
LS101: Combatting The Impulse To Nag
LS102: Parenting – Your Husband Gave You Children So You Could Have Someone Other Than Him To Boss Around
LS103: Balancing A Checkbook – Even You Can Get It Right
LS104: Comprehending Credit Card Spending Limits And Financial Responsibility
LS105: Shopping – Doing It In Less Than 16 Hours
LS106: How To Go Fishing With Your Mate And Not Catch Pneumonia
LS107: Living Without Power Windows – How To Turn A Crank
LS108: How To Retain Your Composure While Your Husband Is Relaxing By Himself
LS109: You Too Can Carry A Backpack
LS110: Dress Like A Slut And Put On Something Sexy – Why It Won’t Ruin Your Brain
LS111: Attainable Goal – Catching A Ball Before It Stops Moving
LS112: How To Remain Femininely Enticing And Attractive After Menopause
LS113: How To Parallel Park

Sex Education:
SE101: Reasons To Give Head To Your Man
SE102: How To Stay Awake During Sex And Imagine That It Lasted For Over 10 Minutes
SE103: Fall Semester: You Can Use A Bed For More Than Just Sleep Spring Semester: It’s Okay To Do It Outside Of The Bedroom
SE104: How To Say “Yes” More Often
SE105: How To Say “No” But Really Mean “Yes”
SE106: Lingerie – The Gift That Keeps On Giving
SE107: Sexual Alternatives For “That Time Of The Month” (formerly called “Any Old Port In A Storm”)
SE108: Foreplay (not a required course, for extra credit only)

There were three pretty stupid women stranded on an island. One day they found a lamp so they rubbed it and a genie popped out. So he gave them all one wish. The first woman said I want to be clever so can get off this island so the genie made her a clever woman and she swam off the island. The second woman said I want to be cleverer than the last woman so I can get off this island. So the genie made her clever than the last woman so she built a boat and rowed off the island. The third woman said i want to be cleverer than both of the other women so i can get off this island. So the genie made her into a man and he walked over the bridge.

A guy was driving his car at the speed of 80 mph when he saw the flashing red and blue lights.

Thinking that the cop might not be able to catch him, he accelerated to 110 mph. He finally came to some sense and pulled over to the side.

The cop stepped out, took his license and examined it without a word. He looked at the driver and said, “I’ve had a tough shift and this is my last pullover. I don’t feel like doing anymore paperwork so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven’t heard before, you can go!”

The driver blinked only once while his brain scramble for a reply. “Last week my wife ran off with a cop, ” he said, ” and I was afraid you were trying to give her back!”

“Off you go,” said the officer.

The patient’s family gathered to hear what the specialist had to say.
‘Things don’t look good. The only chance is a brain transplant. This is an experimental procedure. It might work, but the bad news is that brains are very expensive, and you will have to pay the costs yourselves.’

‘Well, how much does a brain cost?’ asked the relatives.
‘For a male brain, $500,000. For a female brain, $200,000.’

Some of the younger male relatives tried to look shocked, but all the men nodded because they thought they understood. A few actually smirked. But the patient’s daughter was unsatisfied and asked,
‘Why the difference in price between male brains and female brains?’

‘A standard pricing practice,’ said the head of the team. ‘Women’s brains have to be marked down because they have actually been used.’

The Ages of Woman:
1. Between the ages of 16 and 18, she is like Africa, virgin and unexplored.

2. Between the ages of 19 and 35, she is like Asia, hot and exotic.

3. Between the ages of 36 and 45, she is like America, fully explored, breathtakingly beautiful, and free with her resources.

4. Between the ages of 46 and 56 she is like Europe, exhausted but still has points of interest.

5. After 56 she is like Australia; everybody knows it’s down there but who gives a damn?

——————————————————————————–
The Ages of Man: (read these ones carefully)
1. Between 16 and 26: Tri-weekly.

2. Between 27 and 46: Try weekly.

3. Over 47: Try weakly.

On their first night to be together, the newlywed couple go to change.

The new bride comes out of the bathroom, all showered and wearing her
beautiful robe.

The proud husband says, “My dear, we are married now, you can open your robe.”

The beautiful young woman opens her robe, and he is astonished. “Oh, oh,
aaaahhh,” he exclaims, “my word, you are so beautiful, let me take your
picture.

Puzzled, she asks, “My picture?”

He answers, “Yes my dear, so I can carry your beauty next to my heart
forever.”

She smiles and he takes her picture, and then he heads into the bathroom to
shower.

He comes out wearing his robe and the new wife asks, “Why do you wear a robe?
We are married now.”

At that the man opens his robe and she exclaims, “Oh, oh, oh my, let me get a
picture.”

He beams and asks, “Why?”

She answers, “So I can get it enlarged.”

Three cowboys are sitting around a campfire, out on the lonesome prairie, each with the bravado for which cowboys are famous. A night of tall tales begins.The first says, “I must be the meanest, toughest cowboy there is. Why, just the other day, a bull got loose in the corral and gored six men before I wrestled it to the ground, by the horns, with my bare hands.”The second can’t stand to be bested. “Why that’s nothing.” “I was walking down the trail yesterday and a fifteen foot rattler slid out from under a rock and made a move for me.” “I grabbed that snake with my bare hands, bit its head off and sucked the poison down in one gulp. And I’m still here today.”The third cowboy, silent for a moment, then slowly rises, whips out his pecker and stirs the coals.

Answer these questions to the best of your ability:

1. How many eyes does a rooster have?
2. How many legs does a rooster have?
3. How many beaks does a rooster have?
4. And finally how many wiskers does a cat have?

OK now that you’ve answered all these questions to the best of
your ability ask yourself this…Why is it you know so much
about cock and nothing about pussy?