Pay by the inch

Three friends decided to visit a prostitute.

It was a slow night, so she gave the guys a deal. “You can pay by the inch,” she said.

The first man leaves with the hooker, and comes back out.

“How much did she charge you?” asked the other two.

“$75 dollars,” said the first.

The second guy goes in, and returns after paying a fee of $85.

The first two were proud of their prowess.

The third man goes in and returns.

“How much did she charge you?” the first two asked.

“$20 dollars,” replies the third.

The first two start laughing hysterically.

“Hey guys,” replied the third, “I’m not so stupid, I paid on the way out instead of on the way in!”

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Yisman

How to survive with women

Avoid models that stall during use.

Check the odo(ur)meter regularly.

Avoid completely blocking the air intake.

Take care not to allow too much steam or moisture to build up when away from home.

Keep locked in the garage when not in use.

Ensure any problems are clearly expressed on the facia.

Check for pulling attachments.

Security: ensure no Joy riders can get their hands on it.

If necessary, fit an alarm.

See if the coil needs replacing.

Take it for a good thrash around

Are you allowed to take passengers with this model?

Watch out for nasty emissions.

Keep all leather accessories in order.

If necessary, fit a silencer.

Or use the choke and throttle properly.

For your own safety, never attempt to handle when drunk.

Check the hooters. If necessary, give it the horn.

Verify that airbags come out when required. Fit extra padding if necessary.

NEVER let your friends have a go.

Never make the mistake of thinking that if you traded in your current model you could get one like they have in specialist magazines.

Avoid taking it to the pub if you’re drinking.

Long rides may be tiring, do not feel ashamed to stop, in the middle of it and fall asleep.

It is preferable to get an automatic as this means less time with your stick it your hand.

With a manual: to avoid unpleasant noises coming from it, avoid putting your stick into it’s reverse position whilst in motion.

It is useful to have more than one for different purposes.

German models tend to be solid, steady runners, not ideal for frequent, brief usage.

Italian models are very responsive but change hands often (high mileage) and often make worrying noises.

American models tend to consume excessive amounts of fuel.

Attractive British models are hard to find and expensive to maintain.

Swedish models are usually very versatile.

Japanese models are mass produced and reliable, but very common and often unattractive.

French models are easy to come by but frequently disappointing.

Avoid models that are a tight fit for you; equally, stay away from those with very much more room space than needed.

Stay well clear of people carriers.

Executive models are hard to get going but once speed builds they don’t take kindly to stopping stop.

Be wary of fast models as they will probably have high mileage and excessive amounts of wear in places.

The interior of ones which have been previously owned by old people will have a smell you will never get rid of.

It is unwise to take your father’s/big brother’s/mate’s out without permission.

Do not get too attached to ones you have to rent.

It is NEVER advisable to own a ‘wide load’ model.

Replace every year with a newer model.

Mommy told me not to I dont I want to

One day, there was a new mentaly handycap boy but no one knew
that he was handycap. all the girls thought he was really hot!
One day, the boy’s mother wanted him to go bring a pie to a
little girls house wich was right next door. He knocks on the
door and the little girl awnsors it. she tells the boy to come
in and sais ” take of your shoes il show you my room” “mommy
told me not to i dont think i want to” replies the boy “ill give
you a cookie” sais the girl “ok” so now they are in the girls
room. ” take off my clothes” sais the girl “mommy told me not to
i dont think i want to” Il give you 2 cookies. ok . the girls
clothes are now off. take off your clothes. sais the girl. Mommy
told me not to i dont think i want to. ill give you 5 cookies.
ok. now the girl is lying on her bed, jump on me! mommy told me
not to i dont think i want to. ill give you 7 cookies. ok. while
they are f*king the dad walks in, you get the f*ck off my
doghter right now! the boy replies

mommy told me not to i dont think i want to

The 50’s Woman

The following is from an actual 1950’s Home Economics textbook intended for High School girls, teaching them how to prepare for married life:
1. Have dinner ready: Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a delicious meal – on time. This is a way of letting him know that you have been thinking about him, and are concerned about his needs. Most men are hungry when they come home and the prospects of a good meal are part of the warm welcome needed.

2. Prepare yourself: Take 15 minutes to rest so you will be refreshed when he arrives. Touch up your make-up, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh looking. He has just been with a lot of work-weary people. Be a little gay and a little more interesting. His boring day may need a lift.

3. Clear away clutter. Make one last trip through the main part of the house just before your husband arrives, gathering up school books, toys, paper, etc. Then run a dust cloth over the tables. Your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order, and it will give you a lift too.

4. Prepare the children. Take a few minutes to wash the children’s hands and faces if they are small, comb their hair, and if necessary, change their clothes. They are little treasures and he would like to see them playing the part.

5. Minimize the noise: At the time of his arrival, eliminate all noise of washer, dryer, or vacuum. Try to encourage the children to be quiet. Greet him with a warm smile and be glad to see him.

6. Some DON’TS: Don’t greet him with problems or complaints. Don’t complain if he’s late for dinner. Count this as minor compared with what he might have gone through that day.

7. Make him comfortable. Have him lean back in a comfortable chair or suggest he lay down in the bedroom. Have a cool or warm drink ready for him. Arrange his pillow and offer to take off his shoes. Speak in a low, soft, soothing and pleasant voice. Allow him to relax and unwind.

8. Listen to him: You may have a dozen things to tell him, but the moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first.

9. Make the evening his: Never complain if he does not take you out to dinner or to other places of entertainment; instead try to understand his world of strain and pressure and his need to be home and relax.

10. The Goal: try to make your home a place of peace and order where your husband can relax.

Capt. Hook

A pirate and a sailor are in a bar regaling each other with tall tales.

The sailor finally asks the pirate to tell him how he came to have a wooden leg, a hook for a hand and a patch over his eye.

“Well,” says the pirate, “I lost the leg in a shark attack, lost the hand in a sword fight, and the eye was due to bird crap.”

“Bird crap?” asks the puzzled sailor.

“Yes,” replies the pirate. “It was my first day with the hook.”

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Tantilazing

How did you know?

A guy goes into a supermarket and buys:
* one tin of beans
* one bag of chips
* one pack of burgers
* one tub of ice cream
* one cake
* one case of beer
* one pint of milk

He takes them over to the checkout, and the girl looks at what he has bought and asks if he is single.

The guy replies sarcastically, “Yes. However did you guess?”

The girl replies: “Simple…You are one ugly bastard!”

Women Talk Too Much

Sam was trying to show his wife that women talk much more than men. To prove his point he showed her a scholarly study that showed men, on average, use about l500 words per day as opposed to women, who use at least 3,000.
Jane, his wife, pondered this for a little while and then thought of an answer. “Women”, she said, “must use twice as many words as men, because they have to repeat every thing they say.”

Pickup Lines

THE WORLD’S BEST PICKUP LINES (AND MUCH, MUCH, MORE!)

1. I want to melt in your mouth, not in your hands.

2. You’re so hot you melt the plastic in my underwear.

3. Would you be my love buffet? So I can lay you out on the table and take what I want?

4. Let’s go to my place and do the things I’ll tell everyone we did anyway.

5. The word of the day is “legs.” Let’s go back to my place and spread the word.

6. That outfit would look great in a crumpled heap on my bedroom floor tomorrow morning.

7. My name’s [your name]. That’s so you know what to scream.

8. My name’s [your name], but you can call me “lover.”

9. Nice shoes. Wanna sleep together?

10. Your daddy must have been a baker, ’cause you’ve got a nice set of buns.

11. All those curves, and me with no brakes.

12. If I told you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?

13. Screw me if I’m wrong, but don’t you want to kiss me?

14. I like every muscle in your body, especially mine.

15. [Grab his/her tush.] Pardon me, is this seat taken?

16. How about you sit on my lap and we’ll see what pops up?

17. I miss my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?

18. So… How am I doin’?

19. [Tap your thigh] You just think this is my leg.

20. My face is leaving in fifteen minutes. Be on it.

60 Things

60 Things Not to Say to a Naked Guy

1. I’ve smoked fatter joints than that.

2. Ahh, it’s cute.

3. Who circumcised you?

4. Why don’t we just cuddle?

5. You know they have surgery to fix that.

6. It’s more fun to look at.

7. Make it dance.

8. You know, there’s a tower in Italy like that.

9. Can I paint a smiley face on that?

10. It looks like a night crawler.

11. Wow, and your feet are so big.

12. My last boyfriend was 4” bigger.

13. It’s ok, we’ll work around it.

14. Is this a mild or a spicy Slim Jim?

15. Eww, there’s an inch worm on your thigh.

16. Will it squeak if I squeeze it?

17. Oh no, a flash headache.

18. (giggle and point)

19. Can I be honest with you?

20. My 8-year-old brother has one like that.

21. Let me go get my tweezers.

22. How sweet, you brought incense.

23. This explains your car.

24. You must be a growing boy.

25. Maybe if we water it, it’ll grow.

26. Thanks, I needed a toothpick.

27. Are you one of those pygmies?

28. Have you ever thought of working in a sideshow?

29. Every heard of clearasil?

30. All right, a treasure hunt!

31. I didn’t know they came that small.

32. Why is God punishing you?

33. At least this won’t take long.

34. I never saw one like that before.

35. What do you call this?

36. But it still works, right?

37. Damn, I hate baby-sitting.

38. It looks so unused.

39. Do you take steroids?

40. I hear excessive masturbation shrinks it.

41. Maybe it looks better in natural light.

42. Why don’t we skip right to the cigarettes?

43. Oh, I didn’t know you were in an accident.

44. Did you date Lorena Bobbitt?

45. Aww, it’s hiding.

46. Are you cold?

47. If you get me real drunk first.

48. Is that an optical illusion?

49. What is that?

50. I’ll go get the ketchup for your french fry.

51. Were you neutered?

52. It’s a good thing you have so many other talents.

53. Does it come with an air pump?

54. So this is why you’re supposed to judge people on personality.

55. Where are the puppet strings?

56. Your big gun is more like a BB gun.

57. Look, it fits my Barbie clothes.

58. Never mind, why bother.

59. Is that a second belly button?

60. Where’s the rest of it?