Category: gender

How to impress a woman: compliment her, respect her, honor her, cuddle her,kiss her, caress her, love her, stroke her, tease her, comfort her, protect her, hug her, hold her,spend money on her, wine and dine her, buy things for her, listen to her, care for her, stand by her,support her,go to the ends of the earth for her.How to impress a man: Show up naked. Bring beer.

Why do they give female names to natural disasters?

When they come on to you, they are all wet and wild. When they leave, your
house is gone, your car is gone, your dog is gone….

A man and woman were lying in bed on night and the woman said to the man, “I sure wish I had bigger tits.”

The man responded by saying she should rub toilet paper all over them.

The woman looked at him and asked, “Toilet paper, what will that do?”

The man said, “I don’t know, but look what it’s done for your ass!”

Great Comebacks

Attention female readers! Are you sick and tired of those stupid old pick-up
lines that men continue to use? Here are some great comebacks!

Man: “Haven’t we met before?”
Woman: “Perhaps. I’m the receptionist at the VD Clinic.”

Man: “Haven’t I seen you someplace before?
Woman: “Yeah, that’s why I don’t go there anymore.”

Man: “Is this seat empty?”
Woman: “Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down.”

Man: “So, wanna go back to my place ?”
Woman: “Well, I don’t know. Will two people fit under a rock?”

Man: “Your place or mine?”
Woman: “Both. You go to yours and I’ll go to mine.”

Man: “I’d like to call you. What’s your number?”
Woman: “It’s in the phone book.”

Man: “But I don’t know your name.”
Woman: “That’s in the phone book too.”

Man: “So what do you do for a living?”
Woman: “I’m a female impersonator.”

Man: “Hey, baby, what’s your sign?”
Woman: “Do not Enter”

Man: “How do you like your eggs in the morning?”
Woman: “Unfertilized !”

Man: “Hey, come on, we’re both here at this bar for the same reason”
Woman: “Yeah! Let’s pick up some chicks!”

Man: “I know how to please a woman.”
Woman: “Then please leave me alone.”

Man: “I want to give myself to you.”
Woman: “Sorry, I don’t accept cheap gifts.”

Man: “If I could see you naked, I’d die happy:
Woman: “Yeah, but if I saw you naked, I’d probably die laughing”.

Man: “Your body is like a temple.”
Woman: “Sorry, there are no services today.”

Man: “I’d go through anything for you.”
Woman: “Good! Let’s start with your bank account.”

Man: “I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: “Yes, but would you stay there?

Seems God was just about done creating the universe, had a couple of left-over things left in his bag of creations, so he stopped by to visit Adam and Eve in the Garden. He told the couple that one of the things he had to give away was the ability to stand up and pee. “It’s a very handy thing,” God told the couple who he found hanging around under an apple tree. “I was wondering if either one of you wanted that ability.” Adam popped a cork. Jumped up and begged, “Oh, give that to me! I’d love to be able to do that! It seems the sort of thing a Man should do. Oh please, oh please, oh please, let me have that ability. It’d be so great! When I’m working in the garden or naming the animals, I could just let it rip, I’d be so cool. Oh please God let it be me who you give that gift to, let me stand and pee, oh please………” On and on he went like an excited little boy (who had to pee). Eve just smiled and shook her head at the display. She told God that if Adam really wanted it so badly, and it sure seemed to be the sort of thing that would make him happy, she really wouldn’t mind if Adam were the one given the ability to stand up and pee. And so it was. And it was…well, good. “Fine,” God said, looking back into his bag of left-over gifts. “What’s left here? Oh yes, multiple orgasms…”

How can you tell if a man’s playing around?

He sends you love notes that are photocopied and begin with the line, “To whom it may concern…”

What is the difference between your girlfriend and your wife?
About 45 pounds

What is the difference between your boyfriend and your husband?
About 45 minutes

Definition of a Wife:

(B)eautiful (I)ntelligent (T)alented (C)harming (H)omemaker

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are attractive to the
opposite sex.

One private asked another: “How did you manage to get arrested by MPs, Mac?”

“Well, I was out very late on a binge with a friend and he advised me to take off my uniform and shoes when I got to the barracks, and sneak up the stairs quietly so that if the sergeant sees me he may think I was just visiting the head.”

“So what happened?”

“Well, when I got upstairs I found I was on top of a bus without any clothes on.”

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Glaci

The other day my wife said to me:
“Honey, give me 12 inches and make it hurt,”
so I fucked her twice and hit her in the back of the head with a brick.

Due to the complexity and level of difficulty, each course will accept a maximum of eight participants.

1. How to fill ice-cube trays. Step by step with slide presentation.

2. Lavatory paper rolls: Do they grow on the holders? Roundtable discussion.

3. Differences between the laundry basket and the floor. Pictures and graphics.

4. The after-dinner dishes and silverware: Can they levitate and fly into kitchen sink? Examples on video.

5. Loss of identity: Losing the remote to your significant other. Help line and support groups.

6. Learning how to find things, starting with looking in the right place instead of turning the house upside down while screaming. Open forum.

7. Health watch: Bringing her flowers is not harmful to your health. Graphics and audio tape.

8. Real men ask for directions when lost. Real-life testimonials.

9. Is it genetically impossible to sit quietly as she parallel parks? Driving simulation.

10. Learning to live: Basic differences between mother and wife. Online class and role playing.

11. How to be the ideal shopping companion. Relaxation exercises, meditation and breathing techniques.

12. How to fight cerebral atrophy: Remembering birthdays, anniversaries, other important dates and calling when you’re going to be late. Cerebral shock therapy sessions and full lobotomies offered.