Yours Fun Portal !
A guy is driving out in the middle of nowhere, very lost.
Finally he spots 2 houses so he goes up to the first house and looks in the door way. He sees an old lady yanking on her boobs and an old man jerking off.
He is so freaked out that he goes to the next house and says “What’s up with your neighbors?” and the owner of the house says “Oh that’s the Robinson’s, they’re both deaf.
She’s telling him to go milk the cow and he’s telling her to go fuck herself!”
You have a problem, your a syameese twin and your twin is gay, only problem is your joint by the arse.
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Four. Actually, only one to screw it in. The other 3 are there to listen to him brag about the screwing part!
A man was walking along a California beach and stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie.
The genie said,
‘OK. You released me from the lamp, blah, blah, blah. This is the fourth time this month and I’m getting a little sick of these wishes, so you can forget about three. You only get one wish.’
The man sat and thought about it for a while and said,
‘I’ve always wanted to go to Hawaii but I’m scared to fly and I get very seasick. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to visit?’
The genie laughed and said, ‘That’s impossible. Think of the logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete… how much steel! No, think of another wish.’
The man said OK and tried to think of a really good wish. Finally, he said,
‘I’ve been married and divorced four times. My wives always said that I don’t care and that I’m insensitive. So, I wish that I could understand women… know how they feel inside and what they’re thinking when they give me the silent treatment… know why they’re crying, know what they really want when they say “nothing”… know how to make them truly happy. .’
The genie said,
‘You want that bridge two lanes or four?’
If men ruled the world would be different
– Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed an acceptable response to ‘I love you.’
– Hallmark would make ‘Sorry, what was your name again?’ cards.
– When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she would appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during half-time.
– Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack on the bum would pretty much do it.
– Birth control could come in ale or lager.
– The funniest guy in the office would get to be the big boss.
– ‘Sorry I’m late, I got hammered last night,’ would be an acceptable excuse for tardiness.
– It’d be considered harmless fun to gather 30 friends, put on horned helmets, and go pillage a nearby town.
– Lifeguards could remove citizens from beaches for violating the ‘public ugliness’ ordinance.
– Tanks would be far easier to rent.
– Instead of beer belly, you’d get ‘beer biceps’.
– Instead of an expensive engagement ring, you could present your wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that said, ‘You’re No. 1.’
– Valentine’s Day would be moved to February 29.
– Cops would be broadcast live and you could phone in advice to the pursuing cops. Or to the crooks.
– The victors in any athletic competition would get to kill and eat the losers.
– The only show opposite Friday Night Football would be Friday Night Football from a Different Camera Angle.
– It would be perfectly legal to steal a sports car, as long as you returned it the following day with a full tank of petrol.
– Every man would get four real ‘Get Out of Jail Free’ cards per year.
– When a cop gave you a ticket, every smart-alec answer you responded with would actually reduce your fine, as in:
Cop: `You know how fast you were going?’
You: ‘All I know is that I was spilling my beer all over the place.’
Cop: ‘Nice one. That’s $10 off.’
Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been
decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails.
Incredibly drunk and walking home they need to pee. They were very
near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business
behind a headstone or something.
The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties,
and used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an
expensive underwear set and didn’t want to ruin hers, but was lucky
enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and
proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made there
way home.
The next day the first woman’s husband phones the other husband and
said, “These damn girls night out have got to stop. My wife came home
last night without her panties.”
“That’s nothing,” said the other. “Mine came back with a card stuck
between the cheeks of her butt that said, `From all of us at the Fire
Station. We’ll never forget you.'”
Submitted by Yisman
Edited by Curtis
A husband and a wife were out enjoying a round of golf about to tee off on the third hole which was lined with beautiful homes.
The wife hit her shot and the ball began to slice. Her shot was headed directly at a very large plate glass window. The ball smashed through the window and shattered it into a million pieces. They felt compelled to see what damage was done and drove off to see what happened.
When they peeked inside the house they found no one there. The husband called out and no one answered. Upon further investigation, they saw a gentleman sitting on the couch with a turban on his head.
The wife said, “do you live here?”
“No, someone just hit a ball through the window, knocked over the vase you see there and freed me from that little bottle. I am so grateful,” he answered.
The wife said, “are you a genie?”
“Oh, why yes i am. In fact, I am so grateful I will grant you two wishes, the third I will keep for myself,” the man replied.
The husband and wife agreed on two wishes… one was for a scratch handicap for the husband, to which the wife readily agreed. The other was for an income of $1,000,000 per year forever. The genie nodded and said, “done!”
The genie now said, “for my wish, I would like to have my way with your wife. I have not been with a woman for many years, and after all, I have made you a scratch golfer and a millionaire.”
The husband and wife agreed.
After the genie and wife were finished, the genie asked the wife, “How long have you been married?” to which she responded, “Three years.” The genie then asked, “How old is your husband?” to which she responded, “31 years old.”
The genie then asked, “How long has he believed in this genie stuff?”
How do you open a can of beer?
That’s not the point – it should be open when she gives it to you!
Q. What do you do with a man who thinks he’s God’s gift to women?
A. Exchange him.
Why don’t men get hemorrhoids?
Because they are all perfect assholes!
Adam was walking around the Garden of Eden feeling very lonely, so God asked Adam, “What is wrong with you?”
Adam said he didn’t have anyone to talk to. God said, ” I was going to give you a companion and it would be a woman.”
God continues:
“This person will cook for you and wash your clothes. She will always agree with every decision you make. She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will not nag you, and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you’ve had a disagreement. She will never have a headache, and will freely give you love and compassion whenever needed.
Adam asked God, ” What would a woman like this cost me??”
God said, “An arm and a leg.”
Adam asked, “What can I get for just a rib???”
And now you know…the rest of the story. 🙂
Q. How can a woman tell she is flat-chested?
A. She looks down her dress and the only bumps she sees are knees.