Corkscrew

Gary and Martin were standing at the urinals in a public lavatory, when Gary glanced over and noticed that Martin’s penis was twisted like a corkscrew.

“Wow,” Gary said. “I’ve never seen one like that before.”

“Like what?” Martin said.

“All twisted like a pig’s tail,” Gary said.

“Well, what’s yours like?” Martin said.

“Straight, like normal,” Gary said.

“I thought mine was normal until I saw yours,” Martin said.

Gary finished what he was doing and started to give his old boy a shakedown prior to putting it back in his pants.

“What did you do that for?” Martin said.

“Shaking off the excess drops,” Gary said. “Like normal.”

“Cripes,” Martin said. “And all these years I’ve been wringing it.”

Sex Change

This guy decides to get a sex change. So he goes to the doctors and has the thing done. A couple of weeks later he was talking to one of his old buddies about it.

“Gee, it must have really hurt when they shot all that silicon into your chest to make your breasts.”

“Not really, I hardly felt it.”

“Well, it must have really hurt when they chopped off your manhood!”

“Nope, I didn’t really feel it either. The only thing that really hurt was when they drilled a hole in my skull and sucked out half my brain!”

The Top 15 Marketing Slogans for a Maternity Thong

15> Lose yourself in a thong. Or vice versa.

14> Being pregnant doesn’t mean you have to stop looking like a slut.

13> The ribbon for your baby’s finish line.

12> Don’t block the light — give your baby a womb with a view!

11> In the third trimester, every pair of underwear you own becomes a thong anyway!

10> Absolutely NOT zesty!

9> The choice of knocked-up tramps everywhere!

8> Appearing in Sisqo’s nightmares since 1998!

7> An ass *that* big should be flaunted.

6> Because it’s never to early to teach your baby to floss.

5> Hey, you already look like a sumo wrestler.

4> So snug, so tight, so razor thin. When he comes out, he’ll have a twin!

3> Sleek and sexy… like the string on a baked ham.

2> Hey, it MIGHT get you laid, Goodyear!

1> The *safe* way to do crack while you’re pregnant.

[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 2001 by Chris White ]

Little Race Car

Once there was a little boy named Jimmy. One day jimmy asked his Dad if he could take a shower with him. His Dad said OK but don`t look down. So they got in and Jimmy looked down and said “Daddy what`s that?” His Dad said that is my limo. That same day Jimmy asked his mother if he could take a shower with her. She said OK but only if you don`t look up and you don`t look down. So they got in and Jimmy looked up and asked “What are those?” and his mom said those are my head lights. Then Jimmy looked down and he asked his mom “What is that?” She said that is my garage. Jimmy said Oh! Later that evening Jimmy decided that he wanted to sleep with his parents in their bed. They said OK but don`t look under the covers. The next morning at the breakfast table Jimmy exclamed
“Mommy! Last night I squeesed your head lights to make them turn on but it didn`t work! Jimmy!” his mother yelled. “Why did you do that? Well,” Jimmy began, ” Daddy was trying to park his limo in your garage but my little sports car beat him in!”

Cogito, ergo sum.

Rene Descartes walks into a bar, really thirsty and hankering for a cool beer. The bartender, seeing a person of such celebrated status walk in, thinks “I’ve got to set this guy up with something really nice!” So he says to Descartes, “Mr. Descartes, would you like a nice snifter of cognac or perhaps some whisky from Scotland? On the house?”

Descartes replies, “Oh, I think not”…and promptly disappears!

Tattooed penis

This fellow was so deeply in love that just before he was married, he had his bride’s name tattooed on his love muscle.

Normally, only the first and last letters were visible, although when he was aroused, the tattoo spelled out W-E-N-D-Y.

Now they’re on their honeymoon at a resort in Montego Bay.

One night, in the men’s room, this fellow finds himself standing next to a tall Jamaican at the urinal.

To his amazement, he notices that this man, too, has the letters W-Y tattooed on his penis.

“Excuse me,” he says, “but I couldn’t help noticing your tattoo. Do you have a girlfriend named Wendy?”

“No way, mon, I work for the tourist board. Mine reads, ‘Welcome to Jamaica, mon, have a nice day.'”

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by BreeBrown

Men vs. Woman

** 8 things you’ll never hear a man say:

8. Here honey, you use the remote.

7. You know, I’d like to see her again, but her breasts are just too big.

6. Ooh, Antonio Banderas AND Brad Pitt? That’s one movie I gotta see!

5. While I’m up, can I get you anything?

4. Sex isn’t that important, sometimes I just want to be held.

3. Aww, forget Monday night football, let’s watch Melrose Place.

2. Hey, let me hold your purse while you try that on.

1. We never talk anymore.

** 8 things you’ll never hear a woman say:

8. What do you mean today’s our anniversary?

7. Can we not talk to each other tonight? I’d rather just watch TV.

6. Ohhhhhh, this diamond is wayyyyyyyyy tooooooo big!

5. Can our relationship get a little more physical? I’m tired of being
‘just friends’

4. Honey, does this outfit make my butt look too small?

3. Aww, don’t stop for directions, I’m sure you’ll be able to figure out
how to get there.

2. I don’t care if it’s on sale, $300 is way to much for a designer dress.

1. Hey, pull my finger!

Am I The First

The moon shown silver on the waters of the lake, and the waves that were beating on the shore were hardly equal in intensity to the waves of passion nearby. One ardent couple paused long enough for the young man to whisper, “Darling am I the first man to make love to you ?”

Her tone upon answering was slightly more than irritable. “Of course you are!” she said. “And also the best too. I don’t know why you men always ask the same old ridiculous questions.”

Gone fishing

Two men were sitting at a bar recounting their dreams.

“I dreamt I was on vacation,” one man said fondly. “It was just me and my fishing rod and this big beautiful lake.”

“I had a great dream too,” said the other. “I dreamt I was in bed with two beautiful women and having the time of my life!”

His companion looked over and exhorted, “You dreamt you had two women, and you didn’t call me?”

“Oh, I did, but when I called, your wife said you’d gone fishing!”

Submitted by curtis
Edited By calamjo

AGE DRINK…

AGE DRINK
17 beer
25 beer
35 vodka
48 double vodka
66 Maalox

SEDUCTION LINE
17 My parents are away for the weekend.
25 My girlfriend is away for the weekend.
35 My fiancee is away for the weekend.
48 My wife is away for the weekend.
66 My second wife is dead.

FAVORITE SPORT
17 sex
25 sex
35 sex
48 sex
66 napping

DEFINITION OF A SUCCESSFUL DATE
17 “tongue”
25 “breakfast”
35 “She didn’t set back my therapy.”
48 “I didn’t have to meet her kids.”
66 “Got home alive.”

FAVORITE FANTASY
17 getting to third
25 airplane sex
35 menage a trois
48 taking the company public
66 Swiss maid/Nazi love slave

HOUSE PET
17 roaches
25 stoned-out college roommate
35 Irish setter
48 children from his first marriage
66 Barbi

WHAT’S THE IDEAL AGE TO GET MARRIED?
17 25
25 35
35 48
48 66
66 17

IDEAL DATE
17 Triple Stephen King feature at a drive-in
25 “Split the check before we go back to my place”
35 “Just come over.”
48 “Just come over and cook.”
66 sex in the company jet on the way to Vegas.

There are more jokes like this at http://www.jokedepot.com