Men’s rules

They are all numbered 1. on purpose

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You’re a big girl. If it’s up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down.

You don’t hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports. It’s like the full moon or the changing of the tides,let it be.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport and no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one:

Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work!

Obvious hints do not work!

Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That’s what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

1. If you think you’re fat, you probably are don’t ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done, not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched, we do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say “nothing,” we will act like nothing’s wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don’t want an answer to, expect an answer you don’t want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine…Really.

1. Don’t ask us what we’re thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape, round is a shape!

1. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know men really don’t mind that? It’s like camping.

Submitted by BreeBrown
Edited by Curtis

Well endowed

They had been having a few beers at the bar together recounting old times when the call of nature caused them to line up at the same time, still deep in conversation.

But Fred could hardly ignore the fact that Chas was very well endowed.

“I say, that’s a remarkable donger you have there old boy,” Fred was prompted to remark.

“Wasn’t always that way,” replied Chas, “Medical science can do wonders with transplants these days,” he said. “I got this done over in Harley Street, England, cost a thousand bucks, but as you can see, well worth every cent.”

Fred was very envious. In fact, he packed his bag that night and flew off to the Old Dart first thing.

It was a good six months later before he ran into his old cobber once again and Fred could hardly wait to tell him that he had taken his advice and was well pleased with the result.

“But Chas, I will tell you something else,” said Fred. “You were diddled, I got mine for $500, not a thousand.”

Chas could hardly believe it. Same address on Harley Street, same doctor. Complaining that he had been ripped off, he asked Fred if he could take a look.

Once more they lined up at the porcelain, when Chas took a peek over the partition, the worried frown which had creased his face disappeared. “No wonder,” he laughed. “That’s my old one!”

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Glaci

Benefits of Being Female

We got off the Titanic first.

We can scare male bosses with mysterious gynecological disorder excuses.

We never ejaculate prematurely.

We get to flirt with systems support men who always return our calls, and are nice to us when we blow up our computers.

We absently hum tunes from musicals without anyone being suspect of our sexuality.

When we buy a vibrator it is glamorous.

When men buy a blow up doll it’s pathetic.

We don’t have to get our strength up between sessions… and it’s much easier for us to get “some” in the first place.

We can get off with teenagers without being called dirty old perverts.

Our boyfriend’s clothes make us look elfin and gorgeous – guys look like complete idiots in ours.

We can be groupies. Male groupies are stalkers.

We can cry and get off speeding fines.

We live longer, so we can be cantankerous old biddies wearing inappropriate clothes and shouting at strangers……

Men die earlier so we get to cash in on the life insurance.

Taxis stop for us.

We’ve never fancied a cartoon character or the central figure in a computer game.

We don’t look like a frog in a blender when dancing.

What an idiot!

There were three men. Joe, Rich, and Scott.

They were all camping in the woods, and they knew they had to stop for
the
night. Joe suggested they stop where they were right there, a nice
clear,
wooded area. Rich agreed, but Scott disagreed, because there was nothing
interesting around, only trees.

They kept hiking for a little longer, and came across a small clear area,
right next to the highway. Both Joe and Rich wanted to saty there because
there was no stumps, or moss around, and the sounds of the cars could
help
to put them asleep. Scott said no, because he found a small ant farm 500
meters away, and was scared the ants might come, and get them.

SO they kept hiking, and finally, they came to the end of the woods, and
stepped onto the highway. Scott was mystified, and wanted to sleep right
smack dab in the middle of the highway. It was interesting, and he wanted
to look at all the different liscence plates, as they drove by. Joe and
Rich were so upset, because, obviously, that was the LAST place that they
wanted to sleep in! But, they were too tired to argue, so they set up
their tent in the middle of the highway and went to sleep.

They slept soundly through the night, but were awaked a couple of times
by
the sound of cars beeping, and crashing. The next morning, they awoke
early, and noticed a huge pileup of cars right off the highway, in the
spot they had earlier chosen. Feeling proud, Scott said:

“See, guys? Imagine what would of happened if we slept there last night!”

She’s not a babe, she’s…

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

She is not a BABE or a CHICK – She is a BREASTED AMERICAN.
She is not a SCREAMER or MOANER She is VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE.
She is not EASY – She is HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.
She does not TEASE or FLIRT – She engages in ARTIFICIAL STIMULATION.
She is not DUMB – She is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.
She has not BEEN AROUND – She is a PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION.
She does not GET YOU EXCITED – She causes TEMPORARY BLOOD DISPLACEMENT.
She is not KINKY – She is a CREATIVE CARETAKER.
She does not have a KILLER BODY – She is TERMINALLY ATTRACTIVE.
She is not an AIRHEAD – She is REALITY IMPAIRED.
She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY – She gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED.
She is not HORNY – She is SEXUALLY FOCUSED.
She does not have BREAST IMPLANTS – She is MEDICALLY ENHANCED.
She does not NAG YOU – She becomes VERBALLY REPETITIVE.
She is not a SLUT – She is SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED.
She does not have MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS – She is PECTORALLY SUPERIOR.
She is not a TWO-BIT WHORE – She is a LOW-COST PROVIDER.

Men are from Mars, and Women are from Venus

Men are from Mars, Women from Venus RECEIVED FROM AN ENGLISH
PROFESSOR:

You know the book Men are from Mars, Women from Venus? Well,
here’s a prime example of that. This assignment was actually
turned in by two of my English students: Rebecca (last name
deleted) and Gary (last name deleted).

English 44A

SMU

Creative Writing

Prof. Miller

In class Assignment for Wednesday:

Today we will experiment with a new form called the tandem
story. The process is simple. Each person will pair off with the
person sitting to his or her immediate right. One of you will
write the first paragraph of a short story. The partner will
read the first paragraph and then add another paragraph to the
story. The first person will then add a third paragraph, and so
on back and forth. Remember to re-read what has been written
each time in order to keep the story coherent. The story is over
when both agree a conclusion has been reached. And now, the
Assignment as submitted by

Rebecca & Gary:

At first, Laurie couldn’t decide which kind of tea she wanted.
The chamomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings
at home, now reminded her too much of Carl, who once said in
happier times, that he liked chamomile. But she felt she must
now, at all costs, keep her mind off Carl. His possessiveness
was suffocating, and if she thought about him too much her
asthma started acting up again. So chamomile was out of the
question.

Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack
squadron now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things
to think about than the neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic
bimbo named Laurie with whom he had spent one sweaty night over
a year ago. “A.S. Harris to Geostation 17,” he said into his
transgalactic communicator. “Polar orbit established. No sign of
resistance so far…”. But before he could sign off a bluish
particle beam flashed out of nowhere and blasted a hole through
his ship’s cargo bay. The jolt from the direct hit sent him
flying out of his seat and across the cockpit.

He bumped his head and died almost immediately, but not before
he felt one last pang of regret for physically brutalizing the
one woman who had ever had feelings for him. Soon afterwards,
Earth stopped its pointless hostilities towards the peaceful
farmers of Skylon 4. “Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing
War and Space Travel”, Laurie read in her newspaper one morning.
The news simultaneously excited her and bored her. She stared
out the window, dreaming of her youth when the days had passed
unhurriedly and carefree, with no newspapers to read, no
television to distract her from her sense of innocent wonder at
all the beautiful things around her. “Why must one lose one’s
innocence to become a woman?”, she pondered wistfully.

Little did she know, but she has less than 10 seconds to live.
Thousands of miles above the city, the Anu-udrian mothership
launched the first of its lithium fusion missiles. The
dim-witted wimpy peaceniks who pushed the Unilateral Aerospace
Disarmament Treaty through Congress had left Earth a defenseless
target for the hostile alien empires who were determined to
destroy the human race. Within two hours after the passage of
the treaty the Anu-udrian ships were on course for Earth,
carrying enough firepower to pulverize the entire planet. With
no one to stop them, they swiftly initiated their diabolical
plan. The lithium fusion missile entered the atmosphere
unimpeded. The President, in his top-secret mobile submarine
headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam, felt the
inconceivably massive explosion which vaporized Laurie and 85
million other Americans. The President slammed his fist on the
conference table. “We can’t allow this! I’m going to veto that
treaty! Let’s blow ’em out of the sky!”

This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature.
My writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic, semi-literate
adolescent.

Yeah? Well, you’re a self-centered tedious neurotic whose
attempts at writing are the literary equivalent of Valium.

Asshole.

Bitch.

Love contract

I, THE UNDERSIGNED, AGREE THAT…
1. In the unlikely event of my not having an orgasm after you’ve drunkenly rolled on top of me and pumped away for five minutes, wheezing like an old man with emphysema, I shall politely fake one. And it’ll be a really good act too, with me saying stuff like “So THIS is screwing!” and howling like a cat that’s being repeatedly jabbed with a needle.

2. I fully understand that a woman’s main role in any relationship is to take the blame. So when you stub your toe in the bathroom or your football teams lose, I agree that – by some complex scientific equation incomprehensible to woman – it will be my fault. Even if I wasn’t there.

3. Whenever my friends and I get together for a girlie chat, I will tell them that you are better hung than a large-balled Himalayan yak.

4. And I will also mention this to YOUR friends. A lot.

5. After sex (which I will NEVER refer to as “making love”), I will not expect you to cuddle me for hours till your arm goes dead. Nor will I let my hair annoyingly get in your face.

6. I will never, ever give your penis a “cute” nickname.

7. In bed, I will be happy as can be to try any novel sexual position you fancy. Especially ones where I do all the work and you just lie there, grinning.

8. I will ruthlessly interrogate my attractive female friends and inform you if any of them have the slightest bisexual tendencies. Then I’ll invite them around for dinner. And hide their car keys so they have to stay.

9. After we split up, I will never sleep with any of your friends or colleagues. Or anyone else you have ever met. Or may one day meet. And if men attempt to chat me up, I will solemnly inform them that you have “ruined me for other men.”

10. I understand that mechanical objects like cars, computers, and remote control devices are beyond the comprehension of women. I will only make a fool of myself if I attempt to operate them, so you’re in charge of the lot. Except for the oven, iron and the washing machine, of course.

Signed:_____________________________
Date:________________

Men Can’t Win

If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat race,
you are a male chauvinist.
If you stay home and do the housework, you are a pansy.

If you work too hard, there is never any time for her..
If you don’t work enough, you are a good for nothing bum.

If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, it is exploitation.
If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your
rear and find something better.

If you get a promotion ahead of her, it’s favoritism.
If she gets job ahead of you, it’s equal opportunity.

If you mention how nice she looks, it’s sexual harassment.
If you keep quiet, it’s male indifference.

If you cry, you are a wimp.
If you don’t, you are an insensitive bastard.

If you make a decision without consulting her, you are a chauvinist.
If she makes a decision without consulting you, she’s liberated woman.

If you ask her to do something she doesn’t enjoy, that’s domination.
If she asks you, it’s a favor.

If you appreciate the female form and frilly underwear, you are a pervert.
If you don’t, you are gay.

If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape, you are a sexist.
If you don’t, you are unromantic.

If you try to keep yourself in shape, you are vain.
If you don’t, you are a slob.

If you buy her flowers, you are after something.
If you don’t, you are not thoughtful.

If you are proud of your achievements, you are full of yourself.
If you don’t, you are not ambitious.

If she has a headache, she is tired.
If you have a headache, you don’t love her anymore.

If you want it too often, you are over-sexed.
If you don’t, there must be someone else.

I’m Glad I’m A Woman

I’m glad I’m a woman, yes I am, yes I am

I don’t live off of Budweiser, beer nuts and Spam

I don’t brag to my buddies about my erections

I won’t drive to Hell before I ask for directions

I don’t get wasted at parties and act like a clown

and I know how to put the damned toilet seat down!

I won’t grab your hooters, I won’t pinch your butt

my belt buckle’s not hidden beneath my beer gut

and I don’t go around “readjusting” my crotch

or yell like Tarzan when my head-board gets a notch

I don’t belch in public, I don’t scratch my behind

I’m a woman you see — I’m just not that kind!

I’m glad I’m a woman, I’m so glad I could sing

I don’t have body hair like shag carpeting

It doesn’t grow from my ears or cover my back

When I lean over you can’t see 3 inches of crack

And what’s on my head doesn’t leave with my comb

I’ll never buy a toupee to cover my dome

Or have a few hairs pulled from over the side

I’m a woman, you know — I’ve got far too much pride!

And I honestly think its a privilege for me

to have these two boobs and squat when I pee

I don’t live to play golf and shoot basketball

I don’t swagger and spit like a Neanderthal

I won’t tell you my wife just does not understand

stick my hand in my pocket to hide that gold band

or tell you a story to make you sigh and weep

then screw you, roll over and fall sound asleep!

Yes, I’m glad I’m a woman, a woman you see

you can forget all about that old penis envy

I don’t long for male bonding, I don’t cruise for chicks

join the Hair Club For Men, or think with my dick

I’m a woman by chance and I’m thankful it’s true

I’m so glad I’m a woman and not a man like you!