Category: gender

I’m glad I’m a woman, yes I am, yes I am I don’t live off of Budweiser, beer nuts and Spam I don’t brag to my buddies about my erections I won’t drive to Hell before I ask for directions I don’t get wasted at parties and act like a clown and I know how to put the damned toilet seat down!

I won’t grab your hooters, I won’t pinch your butt my belt buckle’s not hidden beneath my beer gut and I don’t go around “readjusting” my crotch or yell like Tarzan when my head-board gets a notch I don’t belch in public, I don’t scratch my behind

I’m a woman you see — I’m just not that kind! I’m glad I’m a woman, I’m so glad I could sing I don’t have body hair like shag carpeting It doesn’t grow from my ears or cover my back When I lean over you can’t see 3 inches of crack

And what’s on my head doesn’t leave with my comb I’ll never buy a toupee to cover my dome Or have a few hairs pulled from over the side

I’m a woman, you know — I’ve got far too much pride! And I honestly think its a privilege for me to have these two boobs and squat when I pee I don’t live to play golf and shoot basketball I don’t swagger and spit like a Neanderthal I won’t tell you my wife just does not understand stick my hand in my pocket to hide that gold band or tell you a story to make you sigh and weep then screw you, roll over and fall sound asleep!

Yes, I’m glad I’m a woman, a woman you see you can forget all about that old penis envy I don’t long for male bonding, I don’t cruise for chicks join the Hair Club For Men, or think with my dick I’m a woman by chance and I’m thankful it’s true I’m so glad I’m a woman and not a man like you!

Answering Machine Recording: “You have reached the breast self-examination hot line.

Please press 1 now…

….Now press the other one.”

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Clark Kent

What do you tell a woman with two black eyes?

Nothing, somebody already told her twice!!!!

Two women were chatting and one asked the other,

“Mable, do you talk to your husband while you’re having passionate intercourse?”

Mable answered, “Heavens no! Why would you want to make a phone call at a time like that?”

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Yisman

What happens when a man tries to hide his baldness by combing his
hair across his head?

The truth comes shining through.

Two men are out fishing and they are having great luck. They are catching so fast, they have to go back early.

“This is so great,” says the first guy. “We should mark the spot so we can come here again.”

“You’re right,” says the other guy who then dives over the side and paints a big X on the bottom of the boat.

They head back to shore and just as they’re about to dock, the first guy looks at the second guy and says, “But what if we don’t get the same boat next time?”

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis

16> “Not to Stevie Wonder.”

15> “Big time! That’s why I’m sleeping with your best friend.”

14> “Does this tie make me look stupid?”

13> “No way! You look *least* fat in that outfit!”

12> “I guess there’s not much point in asking if you mean fat with an ‘f’ or phat with a ‘ph.'”

11> “No hablo ingles.”

10> “Yes, but it also makes you look like a pricey hooker, so things balance out.”

9> “No, but taking it *off* sure does.”

8> “If I answer that question, then the terrorists have won.”

7> “Okay, listen: What’s important is that you not focus in a negative way on the comparison I am about to make.”

6> “Not if you were travelling at the speed of light.”

5> “Yes, but in my country obesity suggests prosperity.”

4> “Let me jog around to your front and take a look.”

3> “No, honey. But just to be safe, steer clear of one-legged sea captains.”

2> “Whoa! A talking couch!!”

1> “May I consult the Iraqi Minister of Information before answering that?”

[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]

[ Copyright 2003 by Chris White ]

Aaaack (aak) interj. An utterance upon running directly into a spider web first thing in the morning – and you don’t know where the spider is.
Airhead (er*hed) n. What a woman intentionally becomes when pulled over by a policeman.

Argument (ar*gyou*ment) n. A discussion that occurs when you’re right, but he just hasn’t realized it yet.

Balance the checkbook (bal*ens da chek*buk) v. To go to the cash machine and hit “inquire.”

Bar-be-que (bar*bi*q) n. You bought the groceries, washed the lettuce, chopped the tomatoes, diced the onions, marinated the meat and cleaned everything up, but *he* “made the dinner.”

Blonde jokes (blond joks) n. Jokes that are short so men can understand them.

Cantaloupe (kant*e*lope) n. Gotta get married in a church.

Clothes dryer (kloze dri*yer) n. An appliance designed to eat socks.

Diet Soda (dy*it so*da) n. A drink you buy at a convenience store to go with a half pound bag of peanut M&Ms.

Eternity (e*ter*ni*tee) n. The last two minutes of a basketball game.

Exercise (ex*er*siz) v. To walk up and down a mall, occasionally resting to make a purchase.

Grocery List (grow*ser*ee list) n. What you spend half an hour writing, then forget to take with you to the store.

Hair Dresser (hare dres*er) n. Someone who is able to create a style you will never be able to duplicate again. See “Magician.”

Hardware Store (hard*war stor) n. Similar to a black hole in space – if he goes in, he isn’t coming out anytime soon.

Childbirth (child*brth) n. You get to go through 36 hours of contractions; he gets to hold your hand and say “focus, breath push…”

Lipstick (lip*stik) n. On your lips, coloring to enhance the beauty of your mouth. On his collar, coloring only trashy women would wear…!

Park (park) v./n. Before children, a verb meaning, “to go somewhere and neck.” After children, a noun meaning a place with a swing set and slide.

Patience (pa*shens) n. The most important ingredient for dating, marriage and children. See also “tranquilizers”.

Valentine’s Day (val*en*tinez dae) n. A day when you have dreams of a candlelight dinner, diamonds, and romance, but consider yourself lucky to get a card.

Waterproof Mascara (wah*tr*pruf mas*kar*ah) n. Comes off if you cry, shower, or swim, but will not come off if you try to remove it.

Zillion (zil*yen) n. The number of times you ask someone to take out the trash, then end up doing it yourself …anyway.

DICTIONARY
FOR WOMEN’S PERSONAL ADS:
 

40-ish
49

Adventurous
Slept with everyone

Athletic
No tits

Average  looking
Ugly

Beautiful
Pathological liar

Contagious 
Smile
Does a lot of pills

Emotionally Secure
On medication

Feminist
Fat

Free  spirit
Junkie

Friendship 
first
Former slut

Fun
Annoying

New-Age
Body  hair in
the wrong places

Old-fashioned
No BJs

Open-minded
Desperate

Outgoing
Loud and Embarrassing

Passionate
Sloppy drunk

Professional
Bitch

Voluptuous
Very Fat

Large  frame
Hugely Fat

Wants Soul  mate
Stalker

WOMEN’S
ENGLISH:
1. Yes = No
2. No = Yes
3. Maybe =  No
4. We  need = I want..
5. I am sorry = you’ll be sorry
6. We need to talk = You’re in trouble
7. Sure, go ahead =  You better not
8. Do what you want = You will pay for this later
9. I am not upset =  Of course I am upset, you moron!
10. You’re  certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever
think about?

MEN’S
ENGLISH:
1. I am hungry = I am  hungry
2. I  am sleepy = I am sleepy
3. I am tired = I am tired
4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
5. I love you =  Let’s have sex now
6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?
7. May I have this dance? = I’d like to have sex with  you!
8. Can I  call you sometime? = I’d like to have sex with you!
9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I’d  like to have sex with
you!
10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I’d like to have sex with you!
11. I don’t think those shoes  go with that outfit = I’m gay! 

Advanced Parking: Reversing Into A Space. Overcoming Anal Retentive Behavior: Leaving the Towels on the Floor. Water retention: Fact or Fat.

Ten things that dads probably don’t say too often!

10. ‘Well, how ’bout that?… I’m lost. Looks like we’ll have to stop and ask for directions.’

9. ‘You know Pumpkin, now that you’re 13, you’ll be ready for unchaperoned car dates. Won’t that be fun?’

8. ‘I notice that all your friends have a certain “up yours” attitude… I like that.’

7. ‘Here’s a credit card and the keys to my new car… go crazy.’

6. ‘What do you mean you wanna play rugby? Figure skating not good enough for you, son?’

5. ‘Your mother and I are going away for the weekend… you might want to consider throwing a party.’

4. ‘Well, I don’t know what’s wrong with your car. Probably one of those watchamacallits – you know – that makes it run or something. Just have it towed to a mechanic and pay whatever he asks.’

3. ‘No son of mine is going to live under this roof without an earring, now quit your belly-aching and let’s go to the mall.’

2. ‘Whaddya wanna go and get a job for? I make plenty of money for you to spend.’

1. ‘Father’s Day? Don’t worry about that – it’s no big deal.’

A man bought a new BMW and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down and the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair, and he decided to open her up.

As the needle jumped to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him.

“There’s no way they can catch a BMW,” he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100 . . . then the reality of the situation hit him. “What the heck am I doing?” he thought, and

pulled over.

The officer came up to him, took his license without a word, and examined it and the car. “It’s been a long day, this is the end of my shift and it’s Friday the 13th. I don’t feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven’t heard before, you can go.”

The guy thinks for a second and says, “Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back.”

“Have a nice weekend,” said the officer.