Category: gender

Two avid fishermen go on a fishing trip.

They rent all the equipment: the reels, the rods, the wading suits, the rowboat, the car, and even a cabin in the woods.

They spend a fortune.

The first day they go fishing, but they don’t catch anything.

The same thing happens on the second day, and on the third day.

It goes on like this until finally, on the last day of their vacation, one of the men catches a fish.

As they’re driving home they’re really depressed.

One guy turns to the other and says, “Do you realize that this one lousy fish we caught cost us fifteen hundred dollars?”

The other guy says, “Wow! It’s a good thing we didn’t catch any more!”

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Glaci

A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it because the thief was spending less than his wife did.

Below are excerpts about how guys can score points (or lose them) from their gals from “The Game of Romance: How to Keep Score” from Men’s Health Magazine, November, 1996, p 110-115, along with some things that are just expected of guys, therefore having a score of zero:
Simple Duties
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You go out to buy her spring-fresh extra-light panty liners But retur You check out a suspicious n You check out a suspicious noise and You check out a suspicious noise and it You pummel it with It’s her father: -10

So — You stay by her side the You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college dri Na Tiffany Tiffany has implants: -8

Sat — You visit You visit her parents and actually make You visit her parents and stare vacantly at th And the televi You spend the afternoon watching college football in yo And you didn’t even go And it’s not really your underwear: -15

Her Birthday
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You take her You take her out to dinner and it’s not Okay, it is a And it’s all-you-ca It’s a sports bar, it’s all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colors of your fa You giv You give her a gift, and it’s a smal You give her a gift, and it’s not a sma You give her a gift, and it isn You give her a gift that you’ll be paying off You wait until the last minute and buy her a gi With her And whatever you bought is two sizes too big: -40

Thoughtfulness
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You forget to pick her up at the Which is in Newark, And the pouring rain dissolves her leg cast: -50

A Night Ou ———- You have For every beer after And miss curfew b You get home You get home at 3 a.m. smelling of booze and c And not wearing Is that a tattoo? -200

A Night Out, Jus —————- You go He’s crude You laugh: -5
You laug She’s n You laugh harder: -25

Driving
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You lose the direction You lose the directions and end up g You end up getting lost in a bad p You get lost in a bad part of town & meet the locals up clos She finds out you lied about having a black belt: -60

Communication
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When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying what looks like a concern When she wants to talk, you listen, for ove You listen for more than 30 minutes, without looking at the television or picking up She realizes this is because you’ve fallen asleep: -10

The Last Thing you would ever hear a woman say…..

1. Could our relationship be more physical? I’m tired of just
being friends.

2. Go ahead and leave the seat up, it’s easier for me to douche
that way.

3. I think hairy butts are really sexy.

4. Hey, get a whiff of that one.

5. Please don’t throw that old t-shirt away, the holes in the
armpit are just too cute.

6. This diamond is way too big.

7. I won’t even put my lips on that thing unless I get to
swallow.

8. Wow, it really is 14 inches!

9. Does this make my butt look too small?

10. I’m wrong, you must be right again.

11. I think belching is really sexy.

12. Sure, I’d love for us to have three-way sex with my best
friend.

13. Why don’t you go out with your friends to see the strippers
tonight?

14. I could never be with any other man, but I don’t mind at all
if you see other women.

15. I insist that you always put your mother before me.

16. I love a good cigar after sex.

17. I think we should spend our life savings and buy a big, old
bass boat.

18. Move over, I’m driving. I love city traffic.

19. The smell of oil and gas makes me horny. Let’s do it on the
workbench.

20. That porn star Dixie Dynamite sounds like one heads-up
chick. I wish I could meet her one day.

21. It’s so romantic when you pull out and cum on my back.

22. Let’s skip that stage show with Mel Gibson and go watch the
Tyson fight at a bar.

23. Hey, we didn’t have sex last night!

24. That shirt doesn’t smell bad enough to need washing. Wear it
again today.

25. Your buddies tell the best stories. I could listen to them
all day.

26. I understand.

27. You don’t swear enough.

28. I love it when you finger me while you drive.

29. Let’s stay at that dirty, old motel on the highway. It’s
cheaper and we can spend the money we save on beer.

30. Don’t fix the toilet, I’ll just keep going in the bushes
outside.

31. Sure, you can wear your old cowboy boots at our wedding.
They go with anything.

32. I think I’ll call him up and ask him out.

33. Sleeping with all the guys on the softball team doesn’t make
that girl a slut! She’s just really friendly.

34. I farted again. Lift the covers so we can smell it.

35. Don’t dirty a knife or fork, eat with your hands like me.

36. Oh yeah, any hole you want.

The Last Thing you would ever hear a man say……

1. I think Barry Manilow is one cool motherfucker.

2. While I’m up, can I get you a beer?

3. I think hairy butts are really sexy.

4. Her tits are just too big.

5. Sometimes I just want to be held.

6. That chick on “Murder, She Wrote” gives me a woody.

7. Sure I’d love to wear a condom.

8. We haven’t been to the mall for ages, let’s go shopping and I
can hold your purse.

9. Fuck Monday Night Football, let’s watch Murphy Brown.

10. I think we are lost, we better pull over and ask for
directions.

11. Hey look, there’s a wool and fabric shop! Let’s go buy
something.

12. Honey, I’m going to the store, do you need more tampons?

13. What happened to my old Nancy Drew books?

14. Do these jeans come in lavender?

15. I love jogging dear, but I can’t keep up with you. You go on
ahead.

16. This shower curtain doesn’t have enough frills on it.

17. Damn, too bad this car isn’t a four cylinder.

18. My butt’s too big, don’t lie, it’s true. My butt’s too big.

19. It’s OK, I’ll sleep in the wet spot.

20. I know you just blew me but I need a kiss.

21. I’m sick of beer, give me a fruit juice with a lemon twist.

22. Great, your mother’s coming to stay with us again.

23. I wonder if my gorgeous neighbor knows that her drapes are
open when she’s getting ready for bed? Maybe I should tell her.

24. No way, you weeded the garden last week. It’s my turn.

25. Better get rid of these old Penthouse magazines. I don’t
look at them any more.

26. I understand.

27. This movie has too much nudity.

28. Damn, we’re late for church!

29. No, I don’t want to see your sister’s tits.

30. Damn these onions, pass me a tissue.

31. Over-sized t-shirts are so sexy, especially on really fat
chicks.

32. Slow down, you move too fast. You’ve got to make the morning
last.

33. Put some panties on for Christ’s sake!

34. It’s late. Put your clothes back on and I’ll take you home.

35. No I don’t want another beer. I have to work tomorrow.

36. Hey, watermelon bathroom air-freshener pot-pourri. Let’s get
some!

Q: Why do men pass gas more than women?
A: Because women won’t shut up long enough to build up pressure.

After careful consideration and endless debate The Perfect Man has finally been named!

He’s tan!
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He’s cute!
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He knows the importance of accessorizing!
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And if he looks at another girl, you can rearrange his face!
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INTRODUCING…
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MR. POTATO HEAD!

( Good with sour cream and butter too! 🙂

Women have more imagination than men do.
They need it to tell us how wonderful we are.

Women have their faults. Men have only two.
Everything we say. Everything we do.

When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping.
Men invade another country. It’s a whole different way of thinking.

Men always want to be a woman’s first love.
Women have a more subtle instinct: What they like is to be a man’s last
romance.

A man loses his sense of direction after four drinks.
A woman loses hers after four kisses.

A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round trip ticket-If he could just get to the airport he could get himself home. So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting.

He got in and explained his situation to the cabbie. He promised to send the driver money from home, he offered him his credit card numbers, his drivers license number, his address, etc. but to no avail. The cabbie said (adopt appropriate dialect), “If you don’t have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!”

So the businessman was forced to hitch-hike to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight.

One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain his financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big. Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport. Well who should he see out there, at the end of a long line of cabs, but his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck.

The businessman thought for a moment about how he could make the guy payfor his lack of charity, and he hit on a plan. He got into the first cab in the line, “How much for a ride to the airport,” he asked?

“Fifteen bucks,” came the reply. “And how much for you to give me a blowjob on the way?”

“What??? Get the hell out of my cab!!”

The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the same questions,… with the same result. When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked “How much for a ride to the airport?” The cabbie replied “fifteen bucks.”

The businessman said “ok” and off they went.

As they drove past the cabs in the long line, the businessman gave a big smile and thumbs-up sign to each driver.

The Perfect Day According To:

HER
8:45 Wake up to hugs and kisses
9:00 5 pounds lighter on the scale
9:30 Light breakfast
11:00 Sunbathe
12:30 Lunch with best friend at outdoor cafe
1:45 Shopping
2:30 Run into boyfriend’s/husband’s ex – notice she’s gained 30 lbs
3:00 Facial, massage, nap
7:30 Candlelight dinner for two and dancing
10:00 Make love
11:30 Pillow talk in his big strong arms

HIM
10:00 Wake up
10:02 Oral sex
10:10 Big Breakfast
11:30 Drive up coast in Ferrari with gorgeous babe with big hooters
2:15 Enormous lunch
3:15 Oral sex
3:25 Play sports with the guys
4:30 Drink beer with the guys
6:30 Meet Claudia Schiffer
6:40 Oral sex
6:50 Huge dinner, more beer
11:00 Full on, get down, gorilla sex
11:10 Sleep

Terminology:

Shotgun – The rightmost front passenger seat in a vehicle, a prime choice for any passenger, since it is the most comfortable seat, and also because of the psychological advantage of not being forced to subserviently look at the back of another person’s head during a trip.

Enthronement – The physical presence of a person in the Shotgun position.

By Laws:

Vehicle Ownership
—————–

The owner of a vehicle, if he/she isn’t driving, always gets Shotgun in that vehicle. It is their car, it is their seat and they get it. This is a real bonus for an owner who is falling down drunk. They can rest assured Shotgun is rightfully theirs. They won’t have to worry about concentrating through an alcohol-induced haze simply to remember to call Shotgun in their own hard-earned car. Once proper Shotgun “enthronement” rights have been established, they may also be surrendered. If the owner of the vehicle is eligible for Shotgun, but wants to sleep it off in the back seat, then they may give up Shotgun to a person of their choice. The vehicle owner is also the ultimate judge in any Shotgun disputes. Their word is law, and all passengers must defer to the owner’s interpretation of Shotgun law. Arbitration should be swift and final, so that everyone can be on their way. If the owner is going to stray from the Shotgun Constitution, they must have a good reason for doing so. If the owner is not eligible for Shotgun, any passenger can call Shotgun, but only under the proper conditions.

Legal Conditions for Calling Shotgun
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Shotgun can only be called when the driver is enroute to the vehicle for the purpose of driving immediately, and the Shotgun position is vacant. Shotgun cannot be called upon arrival, only upon departure. For example, a group of travelers may arrive at a restaurant and get out of the car for a meal. Some bone-head might try calling Shotgun immediately for the subsequent ride home, but that is not appropriate. If this kind of precedent were allowed, it would let anyone call Shotgun “futures” for potential rides into eternity. Only after finishing the meal, when the driver picks up the car keys, is a Shotgun call allowed. Jingling keys is a very strong sign of an Enroute condition. If the driver says “lets go” that also can be reasonably construed as Enroute. Most Enroute conditions mean that driving will take place within a few minutes, but not always. If the driver of a car turns around on a three hour trail ride, and says “lets go home,” then an enroute condition exists and Shotgun may be called immediately.

Forcible Dethronement (a.k.a. Physical Challenge)
————————————————-

There are some people in this world that always remember to call Shotgun. Although this is an admirable trait at first, it quickly grows old. These people tend to be real weenies, and if they knew better, would sometimes let someone else call shotgun just to be a little more diplomatic. The purpose of the Shotgun Constitution is to provide for a peaceful, fair method of getting to ride Shotgun. Unfortunately, if an introverted nerd consistently calls Shotgun ad nauseum, there must be accommodations for that person to be forcibly removed from the seat. Thus the Forcible Dethronement policy. This allows one other passenger (usually larger in stature) to declare “Physical Challenge!” and pull, push or otherwise eject the previous Shotgun participant from the seat. Although frowned upon if used regularly, this physical challenge is a legitimate means of wresting Shotgun control away from the legal party. Any physical tactics short of grievous bodily injury are employable.

The Dick Clause
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Though not a formal by-law of the Constitution, the Dick Clause is a necessary refinement in semantics. Just because the driver’s girlfriend, boyfriend, wife, whoever happens to be in the car, that Significant Other does not get Shotgun by default. Anyone else can legally call Shotgun and force the Significant Other to ride in the back. But then of course that would mean that person is a Dick.

Post-amble
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I first drafted the Shotgun Constitution in 1990 while attending Embry-Riddle University in Florida. The Constitution was widely distributed via fax, and steered many young passengers towards a more democratic form of ridership. It is time to resurrect this living document, and to let a new generation of passengers rightfully call SHOTGUN.

If there is any new case law I should be aware of for the Shotgun Constitution, please e-mail me at: [email protected]. I will conduct a judicial review of your case and see whether it merits an amendment to the Constitution.

My wife telephoned me because she couldn�t get the car started.”I think there’s water in the carburettor, she say�s””Dear, I say� if you know there�s water in the carburettor, why do you need my help?” “Well it�s like this.” She said� �I put my foot on the wrong peddle and ended up driving into the swimming pool.�

Q: Why is a man’s pee yellow and his sperm white?
A: So he can tell if he’s coming or going.