Category: gender

And God Created Woman.
And She was Good.
She had 2 arms, 2 legs and 3 breasts.

And God asked the woman what she would like to have changed about herself.
She asked for her middle breast to be removed.
And it was good.

She stood with her third breast in her hand and asked God what should be done with the useless boob?
And God created Man!

What are the only two kinds of men?

Studs and duds.

Things guys should know about girls:

1. Don’t ever lie to us; we always find out.
2. We don’t enjoy talking dirty to you as much as you enjoy
listening.
3. Don’t say you understand when you don’t.
4. Girls are pretty, but yours is the Prettiest!
5. You don’t have PMS; don’t act like you know what it’s like.
6. Saying something sweet might get you off the hook; doing
something sweet will always get you off the hook.
7. If you talk about having a big Dick; we know you don’t.
8. Size does matter, but only to hoes; not girls that want
relationships.
9. We don’t like it when you act like Mr. Big.
10. A system in your car only impresses your homeboys not us.
11. No matter what you say, your ex-girlfriend is a hoe.
12. It’s good to be sensitive, sometimes.
13. If you did something wrong or even if you didn’t, apologize.
14. Be spontaneous; dinner and a movie won’t always cut it.
15. We are self-conscious by nature; we can’t help it.
16. We are DrAmA queens.
17. Fashion police do exist.
18. Don’t ask us to give head; if you are nice you just might
get it.
19. We absolutely DO NOT care about monster trucks, car systems,
paintball, or anything else you and your friends talk about.
20. Hugs and kisses must be given at all times.
21. We don’t shave our legs everyday so get over it.
22. Don’t make bets about us; we always find out.
23. Shave; no matter how cool you think your goatee or beard or
mustache looks, we hate it.
24. Even if you think it is cool to burp, fart, or emitt other
strange gases from your body, it is not.
25. Don’t compare our breasts with Pamela Anderson’s; hers are
fake, just remember that. (You have a better shot at ours
than you ever will with hers)
26. It is not cool to shoot snot rockets.
27. We are beautiful at all times.
28. We will always think we are fat, so humor us and tell us we
aren’t.
29. You can shoot hoops, score a goal, knock down big fat guys,
and hit a little baseball with a stick, so why the hell can’t
you piss in the toilet and not on it.
30. Most importantly: we are always right; so don’t forget it.

General Randolf was in charge of the Air Force, and he was visiting his colleague General Marshall, who was in charge of the Army.

Randolf arrives at the military camp and is greeted by Marshall.

They both walk around the place, and Randolf asks, “So how are your men?”

Marshall replies, “Very well-trained, General Randolf.”

“I hope so,” responds Randolf. “You see, my men over at the Navy are so well trained, you could see they’re the bravest men all over the country.”

“Well, my men are very brave, too,” said General Marshall.

“I’d like to see that,” replied General Randolf.

So Marshall calls private Cooper and says, “Private Cooper! I want you to stop that tank coming here with your body!”

The private replied, “Are you fucking crazy? It’d kill me, you asshole! I’m out of here!”

As private Cooper ran away, General Marshall turned to a bewildered General Randolf and said, “You see? You have to be pretty damn brave to talk like that to a general.”

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis

Because I’m a guy, I must hold the television remote control in
my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I’ll
miss a whole show looking for it, though one time I was able to
survive by holding a calculator.

Because I’m a guy, when I lock my keys in the car I will fiddle
with a wire clothes hanger and ignore your suggestions that we
call a road service until long after hypothermia has set in. Oh,
and when the car isn’t running very well, I will pop the hood
and stare at the engine as if I know what I’m looking at. If
another guy shows up, one of us will say to the other, “I used
to be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers
and everything, I wouldn’t know where to start.” We will then
drink beer.

Because I’m a guy, when I catch a cold I need someone to bring
me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You
never get as sick as I do, so for you this isn’t an issue.

Because I’m a guy, I can be relied upon to purchase basic
groceries at the store, like milk, or bread. I cannot be
expected to find exotic items like “Cumin” or “Tofu.” For all I
know these are the same thing. And never, under any
circumstances, expect me to pick up anything for which “feminine
hygiene product” is a euphemism.

Because I’m a guy, when one of our appliances stops working I
will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will
just cost me twice as much once the repair person gets here and
has to put it back together.

Because I’m a guy, I don’t think we’re all that lost, and no, I
don’t think we should stop and ask someone. Why would you listen
to a complete stranger–how the heck could HE know where we’re
going?

Because I’m a guy, there is no need to ask me what I’m thinking
about. The answer is always either sex or football, though I
have to make up something else when you ask, so don’t.

Because I’m a guy, I do not want to visit your mother, or have
your mother come visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or
think about her any more than I have to. Whatever you got her
for mother’s day is ok, I don’t need to see it. Did you remember
to pick up something for my mom, too?

Because I’m a guy, I am capable of announcing, “one more beer
and I really have to go,” and mean it every single time I say
it, even when it gets to the point that the one bar closes and
my buddies and I have to go hunt down another. I will find it
increasingly hilarious to have my pals call you to tell you I’ll
be home soon, and no, I don’t understand why you threw all my
clothes into the front yard. What’s the connection?

Because I’m a guy, you don’t have to ask me if I liked the
movie. Chances are, if you’re crying at the end of it, I didn’t.

Because I’m a guy, yes, I have to turn up the radio when Bruce
Springsteen or The Doors comes on, and then, yes, I have to tell
you every single time about how Bruce had his picture on the
cover of Time and Newsweek the same day, or how Jim Morrison is
buried in Paris and everyone visits his grave. Please do not
behave as if you do not find this fascinating.

Because I’m a guy, I think what you’re wearing is fine. I
thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too.
Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it looks
fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now?

Because I’m a guy and this is, after all, the 90’s, I will share
equally in the housework. You do the laundry, the cooking, the
cleaning, and the dishes, and I’ll do the rest.

What’s six inches long that women love?

Folding money.

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis

What do you call a 90-year-old man who can still masturbate?

Miracle whip!