Category: gender

Earl was enjoying his normal Saturday afternoon activities, watching bass fishing, eating pork rinds, and drinking Pabst Blue Ribbon.

Then his wife came storming in the trailer. “I want you to get up and kick this guy’s ass!” she exclaimed.

Earl, being a man of pride, jumped up and said, “What did that bastard do to you?”

She said, “Well, I was at the market, and I dropped a melon. When I went down to pick it up, he looked under my dress.”

Earl was fuming now! Then he looked me in the eyes and said, “I would like to fill you up with ice cream and eat it all up!”

Hearing this, Earl immediately sat back down.

She replied, “Well, aren’t you gonna do something?”

Earl looked at her and said, “I’m not gonna fuck with anyone who can eat that much ice cream!!”

Submitted by Glaci
Edited by Curtis

How Dogs Are Better Than Men

1. Dogs don’t have problems expressing affection in public.

2. Dogs miss you when you’re gone.

3. Dogs feel guilty when they’ve done something wrong.

4. Dogs admit when they’re jealous.

5. Dogs are very direct about wanting to go out.

6. Dogs do not play games with you, except fetch (and they never laugh at how you throw).

7. You can train a dog.

8. Dogs are easy to buy for.

9. Dogs understand the word “no”.

10. Dogs mean it when they kiss you.

How are men like UFOs?

You don’t know where they come from, what their mission is, or what time they’re going to take off.

Why did God give men penises?
So we’d have at least one way to shut a woman up.

What’s it called when a woman is paralyzed from the waist down?
Marriage.

Why are hangovers better than women?
Hangovers will go away.

What are the small bumps around a woman’s’ nipples for?
Its Braille for “suck here”.

Why do most women pay more attention to their appearance than to
improving their minds?
Because most men are stupid, but few are blind.

What does a 75 year old woman have between her breasts that a 25
year old doesn’t?
Her navel.

Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.

Did you hear about the guy who finally figured out women?
He died laughing before he could tell anybody.

What’s the difference between a woman with PMS and a pitbull?
Lipstick.

What’s a wife?
An attachment you screw on the bed to get the housework done.

Why do women have tits?
So men will talk to them.

Why do women close their eyes during sex?
They can’t stand seeing a man have a good time.

What’s six inches long and two inches wide and drives women wild?
Money.

Why do women have periods?
They deserve them.

Why did God make man first?
He didn’t want a woman looking over his shoulder.

If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag you, what
have you done wrong?
Made her chain too long.

How many women does it take to change a light bulb?
None, they just sit there in the dark and bitch.

What’s the difference between your wife and your job?
After 5 years your job will still suck.

Q. Why are hangovers better than women?
A. Hangovers will go away.

What does a woman have in common with a tornado?

They scream when they come and they take the house when they leave.

Three elderly men are at the doctor’s office for a memory test.

The doctor asks the first man, “What is three times three?”

“274,” is his reply.

The doctor rolls his eyes and looks up at the ceiling, and says to the second man, “It’s your turn, what is three times three?”

“Tuesday,” replies the second man.

The doctor shakes his head sadly, then asks the third man, “Okay, your turn, what’s three times three?”

“Nine,” says the third man.

“That’s great!” says the doctor. “How did you get that?”

“Simple,” he says, “just subtract 274 from Tuesday.”

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by BreeBrown

How Dogs and Men Are Alike

1. Both take up too much space on the bed.
2. Both have irrational fears about the vacuum cleaner.
3. Both are threatened by their own kind.
4. Neither understands what you see in cats.
5. Both want dominance.
6. Both do dishes by licking them clean.
7. Both chase cars.
8. The larger ones tend to drool.
9. The smaller ones tend to be more nervous.

How Dogs are Better Than Men

1. Dogs don’t have problems expressing affection in public.
2. Dogs miss you when you are gone.
3. You can train a Dog.
4. Dogs are very direct about wanting to go out.
5. Dogs understand what “NO” means.
6. Dogs mean it when they kiss you.
7. When dogs play “fetch,” they don’t laugh at how you throw.
8. Dogs are color blind.
9. Dogs understand if some of their friends aren’t allowed to
come inside.

How Dogs are Better Than Women

1. Dogs like beer
2. Dogs don’t hate their bodies.
3. Dogs don’t criticize.
4. Dogs never expect gifts.
5. Dogs don’t want to know about every other dog you’ve ever
had.
6. Dogs don’t let a magazine article guide their lives.
7. You never have to wait for a dog–they are ready to go 24
hours a day.
8. Dogs don’t cry.
9. Dogs love it when your friends come over.
10. A dog’s time in the bathroom is confined to a quick drink.
11. Dogs don’t expect you to call when you are running late —
the later you are, the more excited they are to see you.
12. Dogs enjoy heavy petting in public.
13. Gods find you amusing when you are drunk.
14. Dogs don’t mind if you give their offspring away.
15. Dogs don’t notice if you call them by another dogs name.
16. If a dog is gorgeous, other dogs don’t hate it.
17. A dog’s parents never visit.

Do you know why woman don’t fart?

Because they can’t keep their mouths closed long enough to build up any pressure.

A young lad approaches his father with the question, “What’s the difference between fact and theory?” Dad tells the boy that it’s difficult to explain but he can demonstrate it to him. He then tells the lad to ask his mother and sister if they would go to bed with a strange man for $500,000. The boy does as instructed and reports back to dad that both mom and sis said they would in fact sleep with a strange man for that amount of money. “Well, there you have it, son,” Dad said. “In theory, we’re millionaires. Fact is we’re living with a couple of sluts.”

Three old men are at the doctor for a memory test.

The doctor asks the first old man, “What is three times three?”

“It’s 274”, the first man replies.

The doctor worriedly says to the second man, “Your turn. What is three times three?”

“Tuesday”, replies the second man.

The doctor sadly says to the third man, “OK, your turn. What’s three times three?”

“Nine”, says the third man.

“Yes!” says the doctor. “How did you get that?”

“Jeez, Doc, it’s pretty simple”, says the third man. “I just subtracted 274 from Tuesday.”

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Yisman

What is the difference between a dog and a fox?

About 5 drinks.