Category: gender

Why are men endowed with a half an ounce more brains than dogs?

So they know not to embarrass themselves by humping women’s knees at parties.

Submitted by Glaci
Edited by Tantilazing

1. You’re right. I’m wrong.”

2. How was your date son? Did you nail her?

3. Whoa — Get a load of the rack on that babe.

4. Look, if you can’t clean out the stems and seeds properly,
stay out of my stash!

5. Oh no! Not ANOTHER friggin’ grandchild!

6. …and that’s when I bitch-slapped the police officer,
grabbed his gun, and busted a cap in his sorry ass.

7. It’s okay to say “I love you” if you just want sex. Trust me
— girls understand that.

8. I am through judging everybody and everything.

9. Not only can you go swimming after dinner, you can eat
dessert in the pool also.

10. Have you ever noticed what an incredible ripoff the flower
delivery industry is?

If she cries, she’s upset. If I cry, I’m a wuss

If she talks dirty to me, she likes me. If I do it, I’m
harassing her.

If she gets a job first, it’s being fair. If I get it it’s
favoritism.

If she’s broke and homeless, she’s been abused. If I am, I’m a
bum.

If she goes somewhere with another woman, she has a friend. If I
go somewhere with another man, I’m gay.

If she kicks/punches me in the balls, it’s payback. If I
kick/punch her in the breasts, I’m a sexual harasser, and it’s
in newspapers everywhere.

Three men were arrested for stealing cars.
Their sentance was to be shot.

The first man was about to be shot, so he pointed behind the people who were going to shoot him and yelled “Flash flood!”

The people who were about to shoot him looked towards the direction he was pointing and he ran away, escaping his punishment.

It was the next man’s turn. Like the first man, he pointed behind the people who were about to shoot him, but he yelled “Tornado!”

The people who were about to shoot him looked towards the direction he was pointing and he ran away, escaping his punishment.

The last man was about to be shot. Like the first to men, he pointed behind the people who were about to shoot him, but he yelled “Fire!” and everyone shot him.

HERS:

Pulls off at wrong exit.

opens window

asks directions of a knowledgeable police officer

Arrives at destination presently.

HIS:

Pulls off at wrong exit absolutely positive it’s the correct one.

Drives five miles into wilderness, still thinks he’s right.

Drives an extra 5 miles just in case.

Finally rolls down window just to get fresh air

Pulls up to a 7 -11

Gets three hot-dogs, a large slurpee, and beef jerky

Asks person behind counter how to get back onto the highway.

Gets back into car.

Laughs at the idea of looking at a map as he pulls away from the 7-11.

Drives down a dirt road with no street lights insisting this is the way back because guy from 7-11 said it was.

Almost hits a deer

Curses the night

Curses you

Curses the large slurpee

Drives and fiddles with radio.

Yells at you for suggesting the map again

Admits he didn’t want to go to Thanksgiving at your sister’s anyway.

He hates your sister.

Ever since she called him a pernicious weasel

He had to look up pernicious.

Couldn’t find a dictionary.

Finally found a dictionary

Couldn’t spell pernicious.

Seethes at the memory of it all

But she is laughing inside…

And of course you’re still lost.

A teenager comes home from school with a writing assignment. He asks his father for help. “Dad, can you tell me the difference between potential and reality?”

His father looks up, thoughtfully, and then says, “I’ll display it to you. Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Then go ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then come back and tell me what you’ve learned. “

The kid is puzzled, but he decides to see if he can figure out what his father means. He asks his mother, “Mom, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Robert Redford?” His mother looks around slyly, and then with a little smile on her face says, “Don’t tell your father, but, yes, I would.”

Then he goes to his sisters room and asks her, “Sis, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Brad Pitt?” His sister looks up and says, “Omigod! Definitely!”

The kid goes back to his father and says, “Dad, I think I’ve figured it out. Potentially, we are sitting on two million bucks, but in reality, we are living with a couple of whores.”

I walked into the living room the other day and caught my dad screwing my mum’s purse.

So I said to him, “What are you doing, dad?”

He replies, “Well son, I’ve always wanted to come into money.”

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Yisman

Cooking I: Bringing Back Bacon, Eggs and Butter. Cooking II: Bran and Tofu are Not For Human Consumption. Cooking III: How Not to Inflict Your Diets on Other People.

Why did all the young girls flock to the courtroom?

They’d heard about the hung jury.

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by BreeBrown

A lady’s picking through the frozen turkeys and says to a stock boy, “Do these turkeys get any bigger?”

He says, “No, ma’am, they’re dead.”

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis

BECAUSE I’M A GUY Because I’m a guy, I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I’ll miss a whole show looking for it, though one time I was able to survive by holding a calculator.
Because I’m a guy, when I lock my keys in the car I will fiddle with a wire clothes hanger and ignore your suggestions that we call a road service until long after hypothermia has set in. Oh, and when the car isn’t running very well, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I’m looking at. If another guy shows up, one of us will say to the other, “I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn’t know where to start.” We will then drink beer.

Because I’m a guy, when I catch a cold I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You never get as sick as I do, so for you this isn’t an issue.

Because I’m a guy, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the store, like milk or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items like “cumin” or “tofu.” For all I know these are the same thing. And never, under any circumstances, expect me to pick up anything for which “feminine hygiene product” is a euphemism.

Because I’m a guy, when one of our appliances stops working I will insist on taking it apart — despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as much once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together.

Because I’m a guy, I don’t think we’re all that lost, and no, I don’t think we should stop and ask someone. Why would you listen to a complete stranger — how the heck could HE know where we’re going?

Because I’m a guy, there is no need to ask me what I’m thinking about. The answer is always either sex or football, though I have to make up something else when you ask, so don’t.

Because I’m a guy, I do not want to visit your mother, or have your mother come visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or think about her any more than I have to. Whatever you got her for Mother’s Day is okay, I don’t need to see it. Did you remember to pick up something for my mom, too?

Because I’m a guy, I am capable of announcing, “one more beer and I really have to go,” and mean it every single time I say it, even when it gets to the point that the one bar closes and my buddies and I have to go hunt down another. I will find it increasingly hilarious to have my pals call you to tell you I’ll be home soon, and no, I don’t understand why you threw all my clothes into the front yard. What’s the connection?

Because I’m a guy, you don’t have to ask me if I liked the movie. Chances are, if you’re crying at the end of it, I didn’t.

Because I’m a guy, yes, I have to turn up the radio when Bruce Springsteen or The Doors comes on, and then, yes, I have to tell you every single time about how Bruce had his picture on the cover of Time and Newsweek the same day, or how Jim Morrison is buried in Paris and everyone visits his grave. Please do not behave as if you do not find this fascinating.

Because I’m a guy, I think what you’re wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now?

Because I’m a guy and this is, after all, the ’90s, I will share equally in the housework. You do the laundry, the cooking, the cleaning and the dishes. I’ll do the rest.

Q.
Why don’t women blink during foreplay?
A. They don’t have time.