Category: gender

Q: Why did God give women legs?
A: So that they wouldn’t leave tracks like snails!

During a drive, there was a quarrel between a couple. Both kept mum for sometime until they drove through a green field and they happened to pass through a herd of goats,dogs and sheep. The male immediately told that “see ur relatives are very busy grazing and barking” she immediately replied “yes, unluckily i am married in their family”.

If Men Were to Rewrite “The Rules”
Rule # 1
Anything we said six or eight months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after seven days.

Rule # 2
If you don’t want to dress like Victoria’s Secret girls, don’t expect us to act like soap opera guys.

Rule # 3
If we say something that can be interpreted in two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other way.

Rule # 4
It is in neither your best interest or ours to make us take those stupid Cosmo quizzes together.

Rule # 5
Let us ogle. If we don’t look at other women how can we know how pretty you are?

Rule # 6
Don’t rub the lamp if you don’t want the genie to come out.

Rule # 7
You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done – not both.

Rule # 8
Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials or time-outs.

Rule # 9
Christopher Columbus didn’t need directions and neither do we.

Rule # 10
When we’re turning the wheel and the car is nosing onto the off ramp, you saying “This is our exit” is not necessary.

Naomi Campbell, Claudia Schiffer, and Cindy Crawford are flying to a super models conference in Paris.

When the captain of the plane announces, “We have just lost power to the engines and are going to make an emergency crash landing, assume the brace position immediately!”

Immediately the three models start preparing for the worst.

Claudia pulls out lipstick and make-up and starts fixing her face.

Bewildered, Naomi and Cindy asks, “What in the hell are you doing fixing your make-up when we are about to friggin’ crash!”

Claudia responds, “I know for a fact the rescue workers will search for, and save first, the ones who have the best looking faces. Which is why I am putting on my make-up.”

Cindy Crawford rips open her blouse to expose two beautiful mounds of flesh which inexplicably defy the law of gravity.

Totally confused, Naomi and Claudia shout, “Cindy, have you lost your senses? Why are you baring your breasts for everyone to see when we are about to die!”

Cindy responds, “I have it on good authority in plane crashes, the rescue workers look to save first the women with big beautiful breasts. Which is why I am exposing my tits!”

Not hesitating, Naomi Campbell pulls down her skirt and panties to expose her love triangle.

Freaking out, Claudia and Cindy yell, “Naomi, are you crazy?? Why are you exposing your crotch for everyone to see?”

Calmly, Naomi responds, “Bitches please! I know for a fact the first thing the rescue workers look for in plane crashes is a black box!”

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis

My wife and I went to a “Dude Ranch” while in Texas.

The cowboy preparing the horses asked if she wanted a Western or English saddle, and she asked what the difference was.

When he told her one had a horn and one didn’t, she replied, “The one without the horn is fine. I don’t expect we’ll run into too much traffic.”

Women’s version:

—————————

Woman2: Oh! You got a haircut! That’s so cute!

Woman1: Do you think so? I wasn’t sure when she was gave me the mirror. I mean, you don’t think it’s too fluffy looking?

Woman2: Oh God no! No, it’s perfect. I’d love to get my hair cut like that, but I think my face is too wide. I’m pretty much stuck with this stuff I think.

Woman1: Are you serious? I think your face is adorable. And you could easily get one of those layer cuts – that would look so cute I think. I was actually going to do that except that I was afraid it would accent my long neck.

Woman2: Oh – that’s funny! I would love to have your neck! Anything to take attention away from this two-by-four I have for a shoulder line.

Woman1: Are you kidding? I know girls that would love to have your shoulders. Everything drapes so well on you. I mean, look at my arms – see how short they are? If I had your shoulders I could get clothes to fit me so much easier.

Men’s version:

———————-

Man2: Haircut?

Man1: Yeah.

A Texan, a Russian and a New Yorker go into a restaurant in London.

The waiter says, “Excuse me, but you should be advised that if you want the steak, there is a shortage.”

The Texan says, “What’s a shortage?”

The Russian says, “What’s a steak?”

The New Yorker says, “What’s ‘Excuse me’?”

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo

How do you change a dishwasher into a snow blower?
Give her a shovel!

A man came home from work sporting two black eyes.

“What happened to you?” asked his wife.

“I’ll never understand women,” he replied. “I was riding up in an escalator behind this pretty young girl, and I noticed that her skirt was stuck in the crack of her ass. So I pulled it out, and she turned around and punched me in the eye!”

“I can certainly appreciate that,” said the wife, “but how did you get the second black eye?”

“Well, I figured she liked it that way,” said the husband, “so I pushed it back in.”

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Yisman

What do most men think Mutual Orgasm is?An insurance company.

What is six inches long, two inches wide, has a head on it, and
women are crazy for it?

Money!!!

1. How many honest intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes?
Both of them.

2. Why don’t women blink during foreplay?
They don’t have time.

3. Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
Not one will stop to ask directions.

4. What do men and sperm have in common?
They both have a one-in-a-million chance of becoming a human being.

5. How does a man show he is planning for the future?
He buys two cases of beer.

6. What is the difference between men and government bonds?
The bonds eventually mature.

7. Why are blonde jokes so short?
So men can remember them.

8. How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
We don’t know; it has never happened.

9. Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good-looking?
They already have boyfriends.

10. What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
A widow.

11. Why are married women heavier than single women?
Single women come home, see what’s in the fridge and go to bed.
Married women come home, see what’s in bed and go to the fridge.

12. Why did the man cross the road?
He heard the chicken was a slut.