Who’s Cheating?…

Who’s Cheating?

“That wife of mine is a liar,” said the angry husband to a
sympathetic pal seated next to him in the bar.

“How do you know?” the friend asked.

“She didn’t come home last night and when I asked her where
she’d been, she said she had spent the night with her
sister, Shirley.”

“So?”

“So she’s a liar. I spent the night with her sister, Shirley.”

Surprise Package

At an out of town bar, a young man was watching a very pretty brunette in a corner booth. After a couple of drinks he got up the nerve to walk over and ask to buy her a drink. To his surprise she invited him to join her.
They have a great time and she invites him to her place after a few more drinks.

When they arrive at her place she says she wants to get comfortable and she leaves the room to change. The young man pulls out a cigerette but can’t find a lighter so he asks the lady if she has one.

She tells him to look in the drawer by the bed. He does and he finds the matches and a picture of a man stuffed into the drawer.

The woman comes out of the bathroom in a slinky teddy and they start to go at it pretty heavy, but the young man starts to get nervous about the picture. So he decides to ask. “Is that a picture of your husband in the drawer?”

” No silly.” she answered, and they started up again.

She rolled over for him to enter her for anal sex, but he is still worried. ” Is it your boyfriend” he asks.

” No silly,” she answered again.

Soon the young man explodes in the woman, rolls over exhausted but still worried.

“Well who the heck is the guy in the picture?” he finally asks in annoyance.

She sits up next to him, takes a match out of the box strikes it across her face and lights a cigerette for him. ” Oh, that was me before the operation.”

Stupid Tyler

One day a girl came home with 50 dollars and her mother asked where she got it. The girl said, Two men where at school and they told me that they would pay me 50 dollars if I climb the flag pole. So the mother said Honey dont do that they Are just trying to look at your underwear. The next day she came back with 100 dollars. So she said where and it was the same thing. So the mothet said not to. The next day she came home with 500 dollars. And she asked where she got it and it was the same. She said Honey I told not to the times. But the girl said “Mommy I was smart I didn’t wear any underwear.”

Women’s Advice to Men

-The reason why our bras don’t always match our underwear is because WE actually change our underwear.

-The next time you and your buddies joke about armed women in combat, take a poll to see which of you successfully aim at the toilet rim.

-If we’re watching football with you–it’s not bonding–it’s the butts.

-If the truth hurts, ask us those ego-sensitive questions on your payday.

-Whenever possible, please try to say whatever you have to say after the movie.

-Don’t fret if you find out that the milkman delivers more than once a day.

-Please don’t drive when you’re not driving.

-Lay off the beans several hours before bedtime.

-Our bedtime headaches are inversely proportional to the number of baths you take.

-If you were really looking for an honest answer, you wouldn’t ask in bed.

-The next time you joke about female drivers, research the number of accidents caused by rubber-necking mini-skirts.

-If only women gossip, how do you and your friends keep track of “who’s easy”?

-Stop telling us most male strippers are gay: we don’t care.

-When you’re not around, I belch loudly, too.

-Start parting and combing your hair to one side early in life–you’ll never see the ‘island’ coming.

-Have a strong need for male bonding? Visit your proctologist.

-Your contributions to your child should go above and beyond that y chromosome you unselfishly sacrificed.

-Eye contact is best established above our shoulder-level.

-Your balding is a good thing–it subsidizes our hair care expenses.

41 Things Men Know

41 Rules Men Wish Women Knew

1. If you think you’re fat, you probably are. Don’t ask us.

2. Learn to work the toilet seat: if it’s up put it down.

3 . Don’t cut your hair. Ever.

4. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if he can find the perfect present, again!

5. If you ask a question you don’t want an answer to, expect an answer you don’t want to hear.

6. Sometimes, he’s not thinking about you. Live with it.

7. Don’t ask him what he’s thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lent, the shotgun formation and monster trucks.

8. Get rid of your cat. And no, it’s not different, it’s just like every other cat.

9. Dogs are better than ANY cats. Period.

10. Sunday = Sports. It’s like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

11. Shopping is not sport.

12. Anything you wear is fine. Really.

13. You have enough clothes.

14. You have too many shoes.

15. Crying is blackmail. Use it if you must, but don’t expect us to like it.

16. Your brother is an idiot, your ex-boyfriend is an idiot and your Dad probably is too.

17. Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don’t work.

18. No, he doesn’t know what day it is. He never will. Mark anniversaries on a calendar.

19. Yes, pissing standing up is more difficult than peeing from point blank range. We’re bound to miss sometimes.

20. Most guys own two to three pairs of shoes-what makes you think we’d be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?

21. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers.

22. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

23. Your Mom doesn’t have to be our best friend.

24. Foreign films are best left to foreigners.

25. Check your oil.

26. Don’t give us 50 rules when 25 will do.

27. Don’t fake it. We’d rather be ineffective than deceived.

28. It is neither in your best interest nor ours to take the quiz together.

29. Anything we said 6 or 8 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after 7 days.

30. If you don’t dress like the Victoria’s Secret girls, don’t expect us to act like soap opera guys.

31. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad and angry, we meant the other one.

32. Let us ogle. If we don’t look at other women, how can we know how
pretty you are?

33. Don’t rub the lamp if you don’t want the genie to come out.

34. You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done not both.

35. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

36. Christopher Columbus didn’t need directions, and neither do we.

37. Women wearing Wonderbras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at.

38. Consider Golf a mini-vacation from you. We need it, just like you do.

39. Telling us that the models in the men’s magazines are airbrushed makes you look jealous and petty and it’s certainly not going to deter us from reading the magazines.

40. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out.

41. Anyone can buy condoms.

Car Trouble

My wife telephoned me because she couldn�t get the car started.

“I think there’s water in the carburettor, she say�s”

“Dear, I say� if you know there�s water in the carburettor, why do you need my help?”

“Well it�s like this.” She said� �I put my foot on the wrong peddle and ended up driving into the swimming pool.�

What time?

Two housewives were drinking coffee together.

“On my way over here,” said Louise, “I developed an awful headache. Do you have any good remedies?”

Her friend Martha responed, “When I get a headache, my husband is the best remedy. He rubs my shoulders, then the back of my neck, caresses my breasts while kissing my tummy, and… Well, you can guess the rest. In no time at all he’s soothed the pain away. You should try it!”

“I’d love to,” her friend replied. “What time does your husband get home?”

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Glaci

FAQs — Men — 1

Why are men such jerks?
It’s a testosterone thing. Much similar to your PMS thing, we men suffer from testosterone poisoning. Why do you think the average lifespan of a male is typically 10 years shorter (and it’s not just from all the bitching and nagging we have to endure)? Hormone modifies behavior. We’re just misunderstood.

——————————————————————————–
Why do men always have to ogle at other women?
Again, this is a testosterone thing. Do you honestly think that all the testosterone just fell out of our bodies the moment we met you? Besides, women do it as well. Women are just much better at not getting caught. I’m fairly certain it’s some sort of photographic memory deal. Women take one quick look and memorize it for later reference. Since men lack this ability, we try to burn it into our memory by staring as much as we can.

——————————————————————————–
Why do men always touch themselves, especially in public?
We occasionally need to adjust our little friend and make him happy. It’s much like adjusting your bra. Being in public is just an added bonus.

——————————————————————————–
Why do men always say such stupid things?
We like to. It’s actually a whole lot of fun to see our partner frustrated by a few simple (and well chosen) words.

——————————————————————————–
Why are men so uncommunicative?
You’d learn to keep your big mouth shut too if every time you open it you get into trouble with your partner.

——————————————————————————–
Why do men have to act like such retards?
Well, we don’t actually have to; we do it because we enjoy it. It’s the old fashioned pride in a job well done that’s missing in so much of the world nowadays.

——————————————————————————–
Why can’t men just share their feelings?
Do we look like women to you? Why is it so hard to understand that men and women are different? How are we supposed to share how we feel when we have no idea how we feel? Unless we’re experiencing some extreme emotion like rage, hatred, disgust, or a brick on our foot, we have no idea how we feel. Personally, I get a headache whenever I try to figure out how I feel.

——————————————————————————–
Why can’t men cuddle more (i.e. lie down and hug)?
Please… How many hours do you think there is in a day? We oblige you as much as we can, but who the heck (besides women) can stand lying around for hours on end? We men… Men hunters… Need go roam… Starve in cave… Must go find wildebeest… Now sitting on our asses for hours on end on the other hand is a whole other story.

——————————————————————————–
How can men sit on their asses all day without moving?
Men have very powerful sets of sitting muscles developed by evolution that enable us to sit for extended periods of time without getting tired. In prehistoric times, it was often necessary to sit in one spot for extended periods of time while hunting for prey. The more successful hunters were able to sit very still for very extended periods of time thereby passing on this ability to their progeny. The figgidy types were all gobbled up by saber toothed tigers etcetera. The end result is that almost all modern men are born with this innate ability.

——————————————————————————–
Why can’t men just say “I love you?”
Men are taught from a tender young age to be self- sufficient. To say that we love you is equivalent to saying that we need you. Most men consider that a character fault. It’s not easy to admit to one’s own character faults.

——————————————————————————–
Why do men say “I love you” when they hardly know me?
Ho, Ho, Ho… Aren’t you special? Well, some men think it’s a sure fire way to get into your pants. Surprisingly, it actually still works quite well.

——————————————————————————–
What does it mean when men say “I Love You?”
1 Pleas 2 I’m sorry for whatever i 3 I forgot to get you a gift; this 4 Huh? I’m sorry; I w 5 What did I forget? This should buy m 6 7 What do I have to do to get a beer around here?

——————————————————————————–
Why doesn’t my partner ever answer me?
We just simply don’t have the energy to answer every single one of your questions. If we think we do not have the answer, or that you will not like the answer, we simply remain quiet and save the energy for other things.