Category: gender

Adam and Eve must of had no bellie button beacuse they are the
Chilren of GOD.

Woman: I have a problem.

Doctor: Well, are you regular?

Woman: Yes I am. Every day I do a number one at 7:30 in the morning and a number two at 8:30.

Doctor: So, what’s the problem?

Woman: I don’t get up until 9:30!

A lovely afternoon finds one fellow and his wife golfing. They have had a wonderful time and the man has had a near perfect game. The final hole, by far the most difficult, wraps around an old barn.

With a terrible slice the man puts the barn between his ball and the green. Knowing that the strokes that it will take to get around the barn will destroy his score, he begins to rant and rave. His wife hating to see him ruin such a great afternoon makes a suggestion.

“What if I were to hold open the barn doors? That way you could send it right through the barn onto the green.”

He thinks this over and decides that it will work. With his wife holding open the barn door he lines up with the hole and gives the ball a terrific “whack”! The ball shoots through the air and right into the head of his wife, killing her instantly.

Months go by, the man mourning all the while. His friends, hating to see him in such a state, convince him to go golfing with them. They end up at the same course and on the final hole, oddly enough, another terrible slice puts the old barn between his ball and the green.

Again he begins to rant and rave at what this dilemma will do to his score. He friend, wanting to please him, makes a suggestion.

“What if I were to hold open the barn doors? That way you could send it right through the barn onto the green.”

“No,” the man replies, “last time I did that I got two over par.”

Because I’m a Man, when I lock my keys in the car, I will fiddle with a wire clothes hanger and ignore your suggestions that we call a road service until long after hypothermia has set in.

Because I’m a Man, when the car isn’t running very well, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I’m looking at. If another man shows up, one of us will say to the other, “I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn’t know where to start.”

We will then drink beer.

Because I’m a Man, when I catch a cold, I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You never get as sick as I do, so for you this isn’t a problem.

Because I’m a Man, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the store, like milk or bread. But never, under any circumstances, expect me to pick up anything for which “feminine hygiene product” is a euphemism.

Because I’m a Man, I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I may miss a whole show looking for it (though one time I was able to survive by holding a calculator).

Because I’m a Man, I don’t think we’re all that lost, and no, I don’t think we should stop and ask someone. Why would you listen to a complete stranger? I mean, how the hell could he know where we’re going?

Because I’m a Man, there is no need to ask me what I’m thinking about. The answer is always either sex or sports. I have to make up something else when you ask, so don’t.

Because I’m a Man, I do not want to visit your mother, or have your mother come visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or think about her any more than I have to.
Whatever you got her for Mother’s Day is okay, I don’t need to see it. And don’t forget to pick up something for my mother, too.

Because I’m a Man, you don’t have to ask me if I liked the movie. Chances are, if you’re crying at the end of it, I didn’t.

Because I’m a Man, I think what you’re wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it, looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now?

Because I’m a Man, and this is, after all, the year 2004, I will share equally in the housework. You just do the laundry, the cooking, the gardening, the cleaning, the vacuuming, and the dishes, and I’ll do the rest.

This has been a public service message for women, to better understand men.

Submitted by calamjo
Edited by curtis

Childbirth (child*brth) n. You get to go through 36 hours of contractions; he gets to hold your hand and say “focus,…breath…push…” Lipstick (lip*stik) n. On your lips, coloring to enhance the beauty of your mouth. On his collar, coloring only a tramp would wear…! Park (park) v./n. Before children, a verb meaning, “to go somewhere and neck.” After children, a noun meaning a place with a swing set and slide.

Dear Sister,

This letter was started by a woman in the hope of bringing relief to other tired and discontented females. Unlike other chain letters,this one does not cost anything. Just send a copy to 5 of your friends who are equally tired and discontented,then bundle up your husband/boyfriend.

Send him to the woman whose name appears at the top of the list and add your name to the bottom of the list. When your name comes to the top of the list you will receive 16,877 men and one of them is bound to be a hell of a lot better than the one you already have.

Do not break the chain.
One woman broke the chain and got her own bastard back.
At this writing a friend of mine has already received 184 men.
They buried her yesterday,but it took 3 undertakers 36 hours to wipe the smile off her face and 3 days to get her legs together to close the coffin.

Have faith!
Liberated woman…

This woman of forty, being a rather vain person, decided she needed a face lift. With her pocketbook as large as her ego, she went to several plastic surgeons before choosing the best money could buy. The doctor assured her that he could make her look young for many years because of a new technique he used.

After the operation the doc told her that he had put a screw behind each ear that she could tighten as needed to keep her fresh young look.

The woman was pleased for several years until one morning when she noticed bags under her eyes. Furiously she stormed into the doctor’s office demanding to know why there where bags under her eyes.

The doctor replied, “Lady those aren’t bags, they’re your tits and if you don’t stop turning those screws you’re going to have a beard!”

The following is a comprehensive federal study, approved by the Attorney General:
Everything Men Know About Women

Yes, parenthood changes everything. But parenthood also changes with each baby. Here, some of the ways having a second and third child differs from having your first:

Your Clothes
-1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your OB/GYN confirms your pregnancy.
-2nd baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible.
-3rd baby: Your maternity clothes ARE your regular clothes.

The Baby’s Name
-1st baby: You pore over baby-name books and practice pronouncing and writing combinations of all your favorites.
-2nd baby: Someone has to name his or her kid after your great-aunt Mavis, right? It might as well be you.
-3rd baby: You open a name book, close your eyes, and see where your finger points.

Preparing for the Birth
-1st baby: You practice your breathing religiously.
-2nd baby: You don’t bother practicing because you remember that last time, breathing didn’t do a thing.
-3rd baby: You ask for an epidural in your 8th month.

The Layette
-1st baby: You pre-wash your newborn’s clothes, color-coordinate them, and fold them neatly in the baby’s little bureau.
-2nd baby: You check to make sure that the clothes are clean and discard only the ones with the darkest stains.
-3rd baby: Boys can wear pink, can’t they?

Worries
-1st baby: At the first sign of distress–a whimper, a frown–you pick up the baby.
-2nd baby: You pick the baby up when her wails threaten to wake your firstborn.
-3rd baby: You teach your 3-year-old how to rewind the mechanical swing.

Activities
-1st baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics, Baby Swing, and Baby Story Hour.
-2nd baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics.
-3rd baby: You take your infant to the supermarket and the dry cleaner.

Going Out
-1st baby: The first time you leave your baby with a sitter, you call home 5 times.
-2nd baby: Just before you walk out the door, you remember to leave a number where you can be reached.
-3rd baby: You leave instructions for the sitter to call only if she sees blood.

At Home
-1st baby: You spend a good bit of every day just gazing at the baby.
-2nd baby: You spend a bit of every day watching to be sure your older child isn’t squeezing, poking, or hitting the baby.
-3rd baby: You spend a little bit of every day hiding from the children.

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Yisman

This is a long one so I apologise now!

3 men die and go to heaven. At the gates, they meet St Peter who tells them

‘Before you come in here, you have to answer one question. According to how you answer the question you will get a mode of transport. The mode of transport you have determines your status in heaven, do you understand?’

‘yes’ answer the men

‘ok’ says Peter and he turns to the first man. ‘Tell me truthfully, how many times have you had an affair???’

‘Well’ said the first man ‘I must admit I’ve had an affair 5 times’

‘You get a bicycle then’ said Peter and off the man goes into heaven

The second man answers, ‘I’ve had an affair 2 times’ and so he gets a mini and goes off into heaven

Finally the last man answers ‘I can honestly say I have never had an affair in my life, I love my wife’ and so he gets a brand new bmw and goes off into heaven.

A time later, the first man sees the last man sat next to his brand new bmw crying.

‘What could possibly be wrong, you have this wonderfull car?’ asks the first man.

‘It’s not that, I think that’s great’ says the man crying, ‘it’s just that I’ve just seen my wife go by on a skateboard!’

One day, Sally and her mother were washing dishes. Susie noticed that her mother was starting to get a few white hairs.

“Mommy, Why do you have so many white hairs?” Sally asked?

“Well, when you do something bad or hurt my feelings, I get another white hair.” her mom replied.

“Oh!” Sally said.

She thought for a few minutes, got a puzzled look on her face and then asked her mother, “Why is Grandma’s hair all white?”

WOMEN’S COMPACT INSTRUCTION BOOK What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door. So many men – so many reasons not to sleep with any of them. If they can put a man on the moon – they should be able to put them all there.