Category: gender

20 Things Guys Think Girls Should Know 1. We’re not a bunch of barbarians as you think we all are. 2. No matter what YOU say, your ex-boyfriend IS a jerk. 3. We like you to give us hugs and kisses sometimes too. 4. Don’t argue with us when we call you beautiful. 5. Don’t treat us like garbage – what goes around comes around. 6. We know you’re pretty, that’s one of the reason’s we’re going out with you. 7. If you really liked us for who we are, you would let us believe that our mustache, beard, or sideburns look cool. 8. We never shave our legs. So Get over it. 9. NEVER ask us if you can put make up on us. It’s just wrong. 10. When we tell you that you’re not fat, believe us. 11. We absolutely do not care about The Backstreet Boys, ‘NSYNC, Justin Timberlake, or what any other guy looks like for that matter. 12. Just cause you think you’re always right, doesn’t mean that you don’t have to apologize when you do something wrong. 13. You expect us to say and do sweet things for you, but it would be nice if you did the same every once in a while. We like to know that you love us. 14. We can’t always be spontaneous, so try to help us make the plans sometimes. 15. Don’t ask us to beat up another guy for you, cause you might get what you wish for. 16. Never pretend like you are going to break up with us and laugh when we believe you. 17. If you want us to put the seat down when we’re done, you should put it up when you’re done. 18. Don’t tell us how cute your ex-boyfriend was. That doesn’t turn us on. 19. Always remember: The way to a guys heart is through his stomach. 20. We know you’re not always right, but we’ll pretend like you are anyway. IF YOU SEND THIS TO:0-5 people: you will have bad luck6-10 people: your crush will notice you 10-15 people: your crush will kiss you 15+ people: your crush will fall in love with you!

The difference between men and women: A man is driving up a steep, narrow mountain road. A woman is driving down the same road. As they pass each other, the woman leans out the window and yells: “PIG”!!
The man immediately leans out his window and replies with “B—–!”

They each continue on their way, and as the man rounds the next corner he slams into a pig in the middle of the road.

Why do men fall asleep immediately after sex?
So women can masturbate and finish the job off properly!

That is the difference between a man and a catfish?
One is a bottom-feeding scum-sucker and the other is a fish.

What did God say after creating man?
I can do better.

Husband: Want a quickie?
Wife: As opposed to what?

Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can’t stand criticism.

What do you have when you have two little balls in your hand?
A man’s undivided attention.

Did you hear about the banker who’s a great lover?
He knows firsthand the penalty for early withdrawal.

Why do men name their penises?
Because they want to be on a first-name basis with the person who makes all their decisions.

Why do men like masturbation?
It’s sex with someone they love.

What is gross stupidity?
144 men in one room.

Husband: I don’t know why you wear a bra, you’ve got nothing to put in it?
Wife: You wear briefs, don’t you?

How many men does it take to pop popcorn?
Three.
One to hold the pan and two others to show off and shake the stove.

What is a man’s view of safe sex?
A padded headboard.

Why were men given larger brains than dogs?
So they wouldn’t hump women’s legs at cocktail parties.

Two guys were strolling down the street when one guy exclaimed, “How sad, a dead bird.”
The other man looked up and said, “where?” {regular readers will remember this as a blond joke… equal time, right?

Why do men love computers?
No matter what mood they’re in, they can still get a floppy in.

What’s the difference between a clitoris and a pub?
9 out of 10 men can find a pub.

How many men does it take to change a light bulb?
Four. One to actually change it, and 3 friends to brag to about how he screwed.

10:00 Wake up
10:02 Oral sex
10:10 Big breakfast
11:30 Drive up coast in Ferrari with gorgeous babe with big hooters
2:15 Enormous lunch
3:15 Oral sex
3:25 Play sports with the guys
4:30 Drink beer with the guys
6:30 Meet Claudia Schiffer
6:40 Oral sex
6:50 Huge dinner, more beer
11:00 Full on, get down, gorilla sex
11:10 Sleep

Top 10 Reasons God Created Eve

10. God worried that Adam would frequently become lost in the garden because he would not ask for directions.

9. God knew that Adam would one day require someone to locate and hand him the TV remote.

8. God knew that Adam would never go out and get himself a new fig leaf when his seat wore out and would, therefore, need Eve to go get one for him.

7. God knew that Adam would never be able to make a doctor’s, dentist, or haircut appointment for himself.

6. God knew that Adam would never be able to remember which night to put the garbage on the curb.

5. God knew that if the world was to be populated, men would never be able to handle the pain and discomfort of childbearing.

4. As “Keeper of the Garden,” Adam would never remember where he left his tools.

3. Apparently, Adam needed someone to blame his troubles on when God caught him hiding in the garden.

2. As the Bible says, “It is not good for man to be alone!”

And finally, the number ONE reason that God created Eve…

1. When God finished the creation of Adam, He stepped back, scratched His head, and said, “I can do better than THAT!”

I really feel that I’ve grown in the past few years. Used to be I wouldn’t have given someone like you a second look. It’s been tough, but I’ve come to accept that most people I date just won’t be as smart as I am.

MATERIAL SAFETY DATA SHEET Workplace Hazardous Materials Information
System
———————————————————————-
Substance: Woman Manufacturer: God Typical Size: Average weight 115
lbs.; specimens can vary from 90 to over 200 lbs. Occurrence: Large
quantities found in urban areas and shopping malls.

PHYSICAL PROPERTIES: ——————–

1. Surface Tension–soft and warm.
2. Exposed surfaces usually cosmetically enhanced.
3. Boils at nothing.
4. Freezes without reason.
5. Melts with special reason.
6. Flavor initially sweet, becomes bitter if used incorrectly.
7. Found in various states of purity from virgin metal to common
ore.
8. Yields to pressure applied to specific points.
9. Sometimes enlarges alarmingly with age.
10. Even brief linking with male substance can cause substance to
reproduce with marked physical and mental changes.

CHEMICAL PROPERTIES: ——————–

1. Has affinity for gold, silver, and precious stones.
2. Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances.
3. Highly volatile for reasons not clearly understood.
4. Verbal activity greatly increased by alcohol saturation.
5. Most powerful money-reducing agent known (See HAZARDS, #3)

COMMON USES: ————

1. Highly ornamental.
2. Relatively brief exposure can be a great aid to relaxation.
3. Pleasurable companion until legally owned.

SUBSTANCE VERIFICATION: ———————–

1. Pure specimen turns bright pink when observed in natural state.
2. Turns green when compared to better specimen.

HAZZARDS: ———

1. May explode spontaneously without cause.
2. Illegal to possess more than one specimen at a time.
3. Avoid specimen contact with plastic credit cards: Normal

What do bungee jumping and sex with a prostitute have in common?

1) They both cost about $100.

2) They both last about 30 seconds.

3) And in both cases, if the rubber breaks, you’re a dead man.

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Yisman

A beautiful, Voluptuous woman goes to a gynecologist. The doctor takes one look at this women and all his professonalism goes out the windon. Right away he tells her to unfress.

After she has disrobed he beings to stroke her thigh. As he does this he say to the woman, “Do you know what I’m doing?”

“Yes,” she says, “your’re checking for any abrasions or dermatological abnormalities.”

“That is correct, “says the doctor. He then begins to fondle her breasts.

“Do you know what I’m doing now? “yYou’re checking for any lumps or breast cancer.”

“That’s right,” replies the doctor. He then begins to have sexual intercourse with the woman. He says to her, “Do you know what I’m doing now?”

“Yes, “she say. “You’re getting herpes.”

Why do so many women fake orgasm?

Because so many men fake foreplay.

The minister was presenting his Sunday morning service to the congregation. He stated that everything that mankind had experienced or would ever experience was discussed or mentioned in the Bible.

After the sermon, he was shaking hands with the congregation as they filed out of the church. A woman came up to the minister and said, “Preacher, I heard your message today and I really believe that what you said is true. However in my readings of the Scripture, I have never seen any mention of PMS.”

The minister scratched his head….thought for a moment and said, “Well sister just off the top of my head I cannot think of a passage but I’m sure that it exists. See me after next week’s service and I will give you an answer.”

The next Sunday as the preacher was again shaking the hands of the leaving congregation the woman again came up to him and asked if he had in fact gotten her an answer.

The preacher said, “Yes my dear, that passage does in fact exist.” She said,”Well please tell me where PMS is mentioned in the Bible. I’ve read it many, many times and I have never seen it mentioned at all.”

Preacher says, “Its right in the book of Matthew.”
She said, “No way, I’ve read that several times and its not mentioned at all!”

He said ,”It certaintly is, if you remember in the Christmas story, it states very specifically…that Mary rode Joseph’s ass all the way to Bethlehem!

A posh hotel holds three weddings on the same day and at the end of the night the 3 grooms meet up at the bar to discuss the days events over a couple of shandy’s.

One questions the other two, “listen, it’s our wedding night and I was wondering – how many times are we expected to…um…you know…. do it” The other two look blankly at him, wondering if the usual 2 pumps and a squirt is enough, or if should they go for it twice, seeing as it is a special occasion. Eventually, they all decide to retire to their respective wives and see how the night goes, with the idea to meet up the following morning over breakfast to discuss what went on.

Suddenly one of the grooms pipes up, “Hold on lads, we can’t discuss our first night marital goings on over the breakfast table with our new wives sat with us.”

“No you’re right. What we’ll do then, is for every piece of toast we order with our breakfast, that’ll be the amount times we did it” offers another groom. They all decide it’s an excellent idea and depart.

The next day in the hotel dining room, the grooms are all looking a bit dishevelled, but that’s nothing compared to the brides, who can barely stagger across the room to their tables. The waitress comes up to the first groom to take his order, “Hello, I’ll have the full English breakfast with THREE pieces of toast please”. The other two grooms smile at him and raise a glass of fresh orange in a toast to his fantastic prowess.

The waitress moves to the second couple, and the groom orders, “I too shall have the full English breakfast but could I have FOUR pieces of toast” The other two grooms turn to make pistols from their fingers to shoot a salute to the master swordsman.

The waitress gets to the last groom “I shall also have the full English breakfast please, yet I shall have…” he takes a deep breath “SEVEN, yes SEVEN PIECES OF TOAST” he calls for everyone’s benefit whilst giving a big cheesy grin to his two wedding mates, who stare at him in disbelief at the thought how raw his poor corey must be.

“Seven pieces of toast sir?” queries the waitress. “Why, that’s an awful lot”

“Yes indeed young lady, seven pieces of toast it is.” She writes down his order and turns away, but before she can leave, the groom calls after her again

“And by the way love, can you make two of those brown?”