Category: gender

A woman goes to her doctor who verifies that she is pregnant. This is her first pregnancy.

The doctor asks her if she has any questions.

She replies, “Well, I’m a little worried about the pain. How much will childbirth hurt?”

The doctor answered, “Well, that varies from woman to woman and pregnancy to pregnancy and besides, it’s difficult to describe pain.”

“I know, but can’t you give me some idea?,” she asks.

“Grab your upper lip and pull it out a little…”

“Like this?”

“A little more…”

“Like this?”

“No. A little more…”

“Like this?”

“Yes. Does that hurt?”

“A little bit.”

“Now stretch it over your head!”

WOMEN’S COMPACT INSTRUCTION BOOK Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means you laugh at his. If he asks you if you if you’re faking it tell him no, you’re just practicing. When he asks you if he’s your first tell him, “You may be, you look familiar.”

16> You catch yourself thinking, “You know, what this bed needs is a few more pillows.”

15> “What do you think: a Zima or a white zinfandel?”

14> You rhapsodize about taking that chick with the great rack home from the bar for a long night of sweet cuddling and General Foods International Coffee.

13> You not only know the difference between a puff pastry and a cream puff, but your choux paste swan took first place at the county fair.

12> “Ewww, gross! Two women kissing!”

11> “You know, take away the steroids and over-the-top sideshow atmosphere from pro wrestling and it’s just like ballet!”

10> Your new Martha Burke signature putter.

9> Not only can you identify Sarah Hughes and Tara Lipinski, you can articulate the logic behind the “artistic impression” scores in figure skating.

8> You turn down playoff tickets so you can watch Cher’s farewell concert on TV.

7> You complain that the “Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood” movie was not true to the book.

6> Sure, it’s the fourth quarter of the Super Bowl and you’ve had a lot to drink, but you can’t resist commenting on how those uniforms would look a lot neater if only they’d been finished with an overedge chain rather than a two-thread lock stitch.

5> Your “Bridges of Madison County” lunch box.

4> You not only sing show tunes at karaoke, you employ full choreography.

3> You ask your barber to give you a “Richard Simmons.”

2> When the guys put you in charge of “entertainment” for the bachelor party in Vegas, you buy tickets to see Celine Dion.

1> “No oral sex for me tonight, honey — I don’t feel very fresh down there.”

[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]

[ Copyright 2003 by Chris White ]

For all you guys out there who just can’t figure it out, here it is. In
the world of romance, one single rule applies: Make the woman happy. Do
something she likes & you get points. Do something she dislikes & points
are subtracted. You don’t get any points for doing something she expects…

Sorry, that’s the way the game is played. Here is a guide to the point
system.

Simple Duties
You make the bed…………………………………………..+1
You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows………0
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets…………………..-1
You leave the toilet seat up………………………………..-5

You replace the toilet-paper roll when it’s empty………………0
When the toilet-paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex…….-1
When the Kleenex runs out you shuffle slowly to the next bathroom..-2
You check out a suspicious noise at night …………………0
You check out a suspicious noise and it’s nothing……………0
You check out a suspicious noise and it’s something………..+5
You pummel it with a six iron…………………………..+10
It’s her father……………………………………….-10

Social Engagements
You stay by her side the entire party…..0
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college
drinking buddy…….-2
Named Tiffany……………….-4
Tiffany is a dancer………….-6
Tiffany has implants…………-8

Her Birthday
You take her out to dinner…………………………….0
You take her out to dinner and it’s not a sports bar ……+1
Okay, it is a sports bar……………………………..-2
And it’s all-you-can-eat night………………………..-3
It’s a sports bar, it’s all-you-can-eat night, and your face is
painted the colors of your favorite team………………-10

Thoughtfulness
You forget her birthday completely……………………-20
You forget your anniversary………………………….-30
You forget to pick her up at the bus station…………..-45
Which is in Newark, New Jersey……………………….-50
And the pouring rain dissolves her leg cast……………-60

A Night Out With The Boys
Go out with a pal …………………………………..-5
And the pal is happily married ……………………….-4
Or frighteningly single ……………………………..-7
And he drives a Mustang……………………………..-10
With a personalized license plate (GR8 N BED) …………-15
You have a few beers…………………………………-9
And miss curfew by an hour…………………………..-12
You miss curfew by an hour and you didn’t call…………-20
You get home at 3 am………………………………..-30
You get home at 3 am smelling of booze and cheap cigars ..-40

Her Night Out
You stay home while she goes out with her annoying friend from
work……………..+5
She goes out with her annoying work friends, and she comes home real
late……….+10
You wait up………………………………………………+15
She goes out, comes home late and drunk, and you put her to bed…+20

A Night Out
You take her to a movie…………………………………..+2
You take her to a movie she likes………………………….+4
You take her to a movie you hate ………………………….+6
You take her to a movie you like…………………………..-2
It’s called DeathCop 3……………………………………-3
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans ………-15

Flowers
You buy her flowers only when it’s expected………………… 0
You buy her flowers as a surprise, just for the hell of it ….+20
You give her wildflowers you’ve actually picked yourself ……+30
And she contracts Lyme disease…………………………….-25

Your Physique
You develop a noticeable potbelly………………………….-15
You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of
it….+10
You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to loose jeans and
baggy Hawaiian shirts…….-30
You say “I don’t give a damn because you have one too”………-800

Finances
You spend a lot of money on something impractical…………….-5
Something she can’t use…………………………………..-10
Such as a motorized model airplane………………………….-20
And she got a small appliance for her birthday………………-40

Driving
You lost the directions on a trip………………………….-4
You lost the directions and end up getting lost…………….-10
You end up getting lost in a bad part of town ……………..-15
You get lost in a bad part of town and meet the locals up close and
personal………-25
You know them…………………………………………..-60

The Big Question
She asks, “Do I look fat?” ……………………………….-5
(Sensitive questions always start with a deficit)
You hesitate in responding……………………………….-10
You reply, “Where?”………………………………………-35

Communication
When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying
what looks like a concerned expression…………..0
When she wants to talk, you listen, for over 30 minutes……….+5
You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV…+10
She realizes this is because you’ve fallen asleep……………-20

Men are like department stores…. their clothes should always be half off.
Men are like vacations…. they never seem to be long enough.

Men are like computers… hard to figure out and never have enough memory.

Men are like coolers… load them with beer and you can take them anywhere

Men are like chocolate bars…. sweet, smooth, and they usually head right for your hips.

Men are like coffee…. the best ones are rich, warm, and can keep you up all night long.

Men are like horoscopes…. they always tell you what to do and are usually wrong.

Men are like plungers… they spend most of their lives in a hardware store or the bathroom.

Q: Why are men like laxatives?

A: They irritate the shit out of you

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Q: Why did God create man?
A: Because vibrators don’t mow lawns

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Q: What are two reasons men don’t mind their own business?
A: No mind-No business

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Q: Why is it hard for a women to find men who are sensitive,caring and good looking?
A: Because those men already have boyfriends

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Q: How is a man like a snowstorm?
A: You never know when he’s coming, how many inches you’ll get or how long it will last.

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Q: Why are men given larger brains than dogs?
A: So they don’t hump women’s legs at cocktail parties

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Q: Why can’t men get mad cow disease?
A: Because they’re all pigs

Why dont women need a license?

There is no road from the kitchen to the bedroom!

How do you tickle a rich girl?

Say, “Gucci, Gucci, Gucci!”

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by BreeBrown

What do most men think Mutual Orgasm is?

An insurance company.

Q: What is the REAL reason men love blowjobs so much?

A: Women can’t talk and suck at the same time!

Two men working in a facory were talking. “I know how to get some time off,” said one.

“How are you going to do that?”

“Watch,” he said, and climbed up on a rafter.

The foreman asked what he was doing up there, and the man replied.”I’m a lightbulb.”

“I think you need some time off,” the foreman said said, and the first man walked out of the factory. After a moment, the second man followed him.

“Where do you think you’re going?” the foreman shouted.

“I can’t work in the dark,” he said.

Good thing for women I’m not God, because I would probably have taken that rib from Adam and had me a nice little Garden of Eden barbecue instead.

A man leaned toward an attractive woman at a bar and told her, “Haven’t I seen you somewhere before?”

“Yes,” she replied in a loud voice, “I’m the receptionist at the V.D. clinic.”