Category: gender

Why do they call PMS PMS…..Mad Cow disease was already taken

Finnegans wife had been killed in an accident and the police were questioning him.

“Did she say anything before she died?” asked the sergeant.

“She spoke without interruption for about forty years,” said Finnegan.

How is a man like the weather?

Nothing can be done to change either one of them.

I don’t think the leading feminist realized what she was saying when she told a reporter, “As long as women are split like we are, men will remain on top.”

Four older ladies are sitting around playing bridge.

The first lady says, “You know girls, I have known you all a long time and there is something I must get off my chest. I am a Kleptomaniac. But, don’t worry, I have never stolen from you and I never will; we have been friends for too long.”

The second lady says, “Well, since we are having true confessions here, I must get something off my chest too. I am a Nymphomaniac. But don’t worry, I have never made a play for your husbands. They don’t interest me and never will; we have been friends for too long.”

“Well,” says the third lady, “I, too, must confess something. I am a Lesbian. But do not worry, I will not bother you. You are not my type. We have been friends too long for me to ruin our friendship.”

The fourth lady stands up, says, “I have a confession to make also. I am an uncontrollable gossip, and I have some phone calls to make!”

How do men define a “50/50” relationship?

Women cook, men eat;
women clean, men get dirty;
women iron, men wrinkle.

A must-read for all men.
Keywords and their meanings:

FINE:
This is the word we use at the end of any argument that we feel
we are right about but need to shut you up. NEVER use fine to
describe how a woman looks. This will cause you to have one of
those arguments.

FIVE MINUTES:
This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that
your football game is going to last before you take out the
trash, so it’s an even trade.

NOTHING:
This means something and you should be on your toes. “Nothing”
is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting
to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. “Nothing”
usually signifies an argument that will last “Five Minutes” and
end with a huffy “Fine.”

GO AHEAD (with raised eyebrows):
This is a dare, one that will result in my getting upset over
“Nothing” and will end with the word “Fine.”

GO AHEAD (normal eyebrows):
This means “I give up” or “do what you want because I don’t
care.” You will get a raised eyebrow “Go ahead” in just a few
minutes, followed by “Nothing” and “Fine” and she will talk to
you in about “Five Minutes” when she cools off.

(LOUD SIGH):
This is not actually a word, but is still often a verbal
statement very misunderstood by men.
A “Loud Sigh” means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment
and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and
arguing with you over “Nothing.”

(SOFT SIGH):
Again, not a word, but a verbal statement. “Soft Sighs” are one
of the few things that some men actually understand. She is
content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe, and she will
stay content.

OH!:
This exclamation, followed by any statement, is trouble.
Example:
“Oh, let me get that.” Or, “Oh, I talked to him about what you
were doing last night.”
If she says “Oh” before a statement, RUN, do not walk, to the
nearest exit. She will tell you that she is “Fine” when she is
done tossing your clothes out the window, but do not expect her
to talk to you for at least 2 days. “Oh” as the lead to a
sentence usually signifies that you are
caught in a lie. Do not try to lie more to get out of it, or you
will get raised eyebrows and “Go ahead” followed by acts so
unspeakable that we can’t bring ourselves to write about them.

THAT’S OK:
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can
say to a man. “That’s OK” means that she wants to think long and
hard before paying you retributions for what ever it is that you
have done.
“That’s OK” is often used with the word “Fine” and used in
conjunction with a raised eyebrow “Go ahead.” At some point in
the near future when she has plotted and planned, you are going
to be in some mighty big trouble.

PLEASE DO:
This is not a statement; it is an offer. A woman is giving you
the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have
for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair
chance to tell the truth, so be careful and you shouldn’t get a
“That’s OK.”

THANKS:
A woman is thanking you. Do not faint; just say, “You’re
welcome.”

THANKS A LOT:
This is much different from “Thanks.” A woman will say, “Thanks
A LOT,” when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that
you have hurt her in some callous way, and will be followed by
the “Loud Sigh.” Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the
“Loud Sigh,” as she will only
say “Nothing.”

I hope this clears up any misunderstandings…

Q: Why were men given larger brains than dogs?
A: so they wouldn’t hump women’s legs at cocktail parties…

Q: Why do men snore when they lay on their backs?
A: Because their balls fall over their asshole and they vapor lock.

Q: Why do men like masturbation?
A: Because it’s sex with someone they love…

Q: Why are men like laxitives?
A: Because they irritate the shit out of you…

1. You know, I’ve been complaining a lot lately. I don’t blame you for ignoring me.

2. I know I’m sore and my parents are in the other room, I still want you right now!

3. This porno scene is boring, fast forward to the gang bang.

4. Don’t get up, I kinda like sleeping in the wetspot

5. Don’t dirty up your T-shirt wiping that up, use my blouse

6. That was fun, when will all of your friends be over to watch porno’s again?

7. I bet it would be kinky to watch you with our baby sitter Tracy.

8. You’re my daddy, you’re my daddy!

9. The new girl in my office is a stripper, I invited her over for dinner on Friday.

10. Honey, did you leave that skid in the toilet bowl? Good one!

11. While you were in the bathroom, they went for it on fourth down and missed. If they can hold them to a field goal they’ll still cover.

12. Bar food again!? Kick ass.

13. I liked that wedding even more than ours. Your Ex girlfriend has class.

14. That girl is wearing the same outfit as I am, Cool, I’m gonna go over and talk to her.

15. I love hearing stories about your old girlfriends, tell me more.

16. I like using this new lawn mower so much more than the old one, what a wonderful Valentines day!

17. Let’s just leave the toilet seat “up” at all times, then you don’t have to mess with it anymore.

18. I’ve decided to buy myself a boob job. How big do you want ’em?

19. It’s only the third quarter, you should order a couple more pitchers.

20. Honey come here! Watch me do a Tequila Shot off of Stephanie’s bare ass!

21. My mother is going to take care of the tab, so order another round for you and your friends.

22. I’m so happy with my new hairstyle, I don’t think I’ll ever change it again.

23. Damn! I love when my pillow smells like your cigars and scotch. You passed out before brushing your teeth again, ya’ big silly!

24. You are so much smarter than my father.

25. If we’re not going to have sex, then you have to let me watch Sportscenter.

Q. How many women does it take to change a light bulb?
A. None, they just sit there in the dark and bitch.

Women’s Lifestyles Through the Ages

AGE… DRINK
17… Winecoolers
25… White wine
35… Red wine
48… Dom Perignon
66… Shot of Jack with an Ensure chaser

EXCUSES FOR REFUSING DATES
17… Need to wash my hair
25… Need to wash and condition my hair
35… Need to color my hair
48… Need to have Francois color my hair
66… Need to have Francois color my wig

FAVORITE SPORT
17… shopping
25… shopping
35… shopping
48… shopping
66… shopping

FAVORITE DRUG
17… shopping
25… shopping
35… shopping
48… shopping
66… shopping

DEFINITION OF A SUCCESSFUL DATE
17… “Burger King”
25… “Free meal”
35… “A diamond”
48… “A bigger diamond”
66… “Home Alone”

FAVORITE FANTASY
17… tall, dark and handsome
25… tall, dark and handsome with money
35… tall, dark and handsome with money and a brain
48… a man with hair
66… a man

HOUSE PET
17… Muffy the cat
25… Unemployed boyfriend and Muffy the Cat
35… Irish setter and Muffy the Cat
48… Children from his first marriage and Muffy theCat
66… Retired husband who dabbles in taxidermy and stuffs Muffy the Cat

WHAT’S THE IDEAL AGE TO GET MARRIED?
17… 17
25… 25
35… 35
48… 48
66… 66

IDEAL DATE
17… He offers to pay
25… He pays
35… He cooks breakfast the next morning
48… He cooks breakfast the next morning for the kids
66… He can chew breakfast

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Men’s Lifestyles Through the Ages

DRINK at age…
17… Beer
25… Beer
35… Scotch
48… Double scotch
66… Maalox

SEDUCTION LINE at age…
17… My parents are away for the weekend.
25… My girlfriend is away for the weekend.
35… My fiancee is away for the weekend.
48… My wife is away for the weekend.
66… My second wife is dead.

FAVORITE SPORT at age…
17… Sex
25… Sex
35… Sex
48… Sex
66… Napping

FAVORITE DRUG at age…
17… Pot
25… Cocaine
35… Really good cocaine
48… Power
66… Advil

DEFINITION OF A SUCCESSFUL DATE at age…
17… Cop a feel
25… Breakfast
35… She didn’t set back my therapy
48… I didn’t bump into her kids.
66… An actual erection

FAVORITE FANTASY at age…
17… Thirdbase
25… Airplane sex
35… Menage a trois
48… Taking her company public
66… Swiss maid and/or Nazi love slave

HOUSE PET at age…
17… Roaches (to be burned later)
25… Old college roommate
35… Irish setter
48… Children from her first marriage
66… Barbi

THE IDEAL AGE TO GET MARRIED at age…
17… 25
25… 35
35… 48
48… 66
66… 17

IDEAL DATE at age…
17… Triple Stephen King feature at a drive-in
25… Split the check before we go back to my place
35… Just come over
48… Just come over and cook
66… Sex in the company jet on the way to Vegas to see Frank

Recently a “Husband Store” opened where women could go to choose a husband from among many men. It was laid out in five floors.

The only rule was, once you opened the door to any floor, you HAD to choose a man from that floor; if you went up a floor, you couldn’t go back down except to leave the place, never to return. A couple of girlfriends went to the shopping center to find some husbands…

First floor
The door had a sign saying, “These men have jobs and love kids.” The women read the sign and said, “Well, that’s better than not having a job or not loving kids, but I wonder what’s further up?” So up they went.

Second floor
The sign read, “These men have high paying jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking.” “Hmmm,” said the ladies, “But, I wonder what’s further up?”

Third floor
This sign read, “These men have high paying jobs, are extremely good looking, love kids and help with the housework.”
“Wow,” said the women, “Very tempting.” But there was another floor, so further up they went.

Fourth floor
This door had a sign saying “These men have high paying jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak.”
“Oh, mercy me,” they cried, “Just think what must be awaiting us further on! So up to the fifth floor they went.

Fifth floor
The sign on that door said, “This floor is empty and exists only to prove that women are impossible to please. The exit is to your left.”