What’s the difference between government bonds and men?
Bonds mature.
Category: gender
Changing Men and Women
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn’t. A man marries a woman expecting that she won’t change, and she does.
Q….
Q.
What do you call a man who expects to have sex on the second date?
A. Slow.
Women Only Joke
At the card shop:
A woman was spending a long time looking at the cards, finally shaking her head, “No.” A clerk came over and asked, “May I help you?”
“I don’t know,” said the woman. “Do you have any ‘Sorry I laughed at your dick’ cards?”
Water
A woman had some problems, so she went to her doctor of twenty years. They had the following conversation:
Dr.: Take the red pill after breakfast with one glass of water.
Woman: Ok.
Dr: Take the blue pill after lunch with two glasses of water.
Woman: Ok.
Dr.: Take the yellow pill after dinner with three glasses of water.
After giving these instructions to the woman, she asks, “Can you tell me what’s wrong with me Dr.?”
Dr.: Yeah. You do not drink enough water.
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo
Stranded
One day this guy, who’s been stranded all alone on a deserted island for 10 years, is sitting out on the beach when a beautiful woman wearing a wet suit and scuba gear suddenly emerges from the surf.
She approaches the stunned guy and asks, “How long has it been since you’ve had a cigarette?”
“Ten years!” he says.
She unzips a waterproof pocket and pulls out a fresh pack of cigarettes.
He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag and says, “Oh, that’s good!”
Then the woman asks, “How long has it been since you’ve had a drink?”
Trembling, the man says, “Ten long years!”
The woman unzips her waterproof pocket on her left sleeve, pulls out a flask and gives it to him.
The man takes a long swig and says, “Man, that’s sweet!”
The woman then starts slowly unzipping the front of her wet suit, looks at him seductively and asks, “And how long has it been since you’ve played around?”
The man, with tears in his eyes, replies, “Oh sweet mother of God! Don’t tell me you’ve got golf clubs in there!”
Submitted by Glaci
Edited by BreeBrown
A couple few one-liners to enjoy!
Q:What is the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
A: 45 lbs.
Q:What is the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
A: 45 minutes.
Q: What is it when a man talks nasty to a woman?
A: Sexual harassment.
Q:What is it when a woman talks nasty to a man?
A: $ 3.99 a minute.
Diff Between Bar and Clitoris
What’s the difference between a bar and a clitoris?
Most men have no trouble finding a bar.
Back seat driver
An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car has been broken into.
She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher: “They’ve stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!” she cried.
The dispatcher said, “Stay calm. An officer is on the way.”
A few minutes later, the officer radios in.
“Disregard.” He says. “She got in the back seat by mistake.”
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo
Men Vs Women II
HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN:
Compliment her,
cuddle her,
kiss her,
caress her,
love her,
stroke her,
tease her,
comfort her,
protect her,
hug her,
hold her,
spend money on her,
buy things for her,
listen to her,
care for her,
stand by her,
support her,
go to the ends of the earth for her….
HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN:
Show up naked.
Bring beer.
Q….
Q.
What do an anniversary and a toilet have in common?
A. Men always miss them.
Women’s 45 Rules for Men
1. Call
2. Don’t lie.
3. Never tape any of her body parts together.
4. If guys’ night out is going to be fun, invite the girls.
5. The correct answer to “Do I look fat?” is never, ever “Yes.”
6. Ditto for “Is she prettier than me?”
7. Victoria’s secret is good. Frederick’s of Hollywood is bad.
8. Ordering for her is good. Telling her what she wants is bad.
9. Being attentive is good. Stalking is bad.
10. “Honey,” “Darling,” and “Sweetheart,” are good. “Nag,” “Lardass,” and “Bitch,” are bad.
11. Talking is good. Shouting is bad. Slapping is a felony.
12. A grunt is seldom an acceptable answer to any question.
13. None of your ex-girlfriends was ever nicer, prettier, or better in bed.
14. Her cooking is excellent.
15. That isn’t an excuse for you to avoid coocking.
16. Dish soap is your friend.
17. Hat does not equal shower, after-shave does not equal soap, and warm does not equal clean.
18. Buying her dinner does not equal foreplay.
19. Answering “Who was on the phone?” with “Nobody” is never going to end that conversation.
20. Ditto for “Whose lipstick is this?”
21. Two words: clean socks.
22. Believe it or not, you’re probably not more attractive when you’re all sweaty.
23. Burping is not sexy.
24. You’re wrong.
25. You’re sorry.
26. She is probably less impressed by your discourse on your cool car than you think.
27. Ditto for you discourse on football.
28. Ditto for your ability to jump up and hit any awning in a single bound.
29. “Will you marry me?” is good. “Let’s shack up together” is bad.
30. Don’t assume PMS is the cause for every bad mood.
31. Don’t assume PMS doesn’t exist.
32. No means No. Yes means Yes. Silence could mean anything she feels like at that particular moment in time, and it could change without notice.
33. Never let her walk anywhere alone after 11 pm.
34. Chivalry and feminism are NOT mutually exclusive.
35. Pick her up at the airport. Don’t whine about it, just do it.
36. If you want to break up with her, break up with her. Don’t act like a complete jerk until she does it for you.
37. Don’t tell her you love her if you don’t.
38. Tell her you love her if you do. Often.
39. Always, always suck up to her brother.
40. Think boxers. Silk boxers.
41. Remember Valentine’s Day, and any cheesy “anniversary” she so names.
42. Don’t try to change the way she dresses.
43. Her haircut is never bad.
44. Don’t let your friends pick on her.
45. The rules are never fair. Accept this without question. The fact that she has to go through labor while you sit on your butt in the waiting room, smoking cigars, isn’t fair either, and it balances everything.